NC:

I'm encouraging you to do these things because I WANT TO HELP YOU RECOVER YOUR MARRIAGE.

Seriously, I don't think it's possible without the NC LETTER and EXPOSURE.

Her commitment to NC is necessary for you to be able to ever trust her again. You will live with so much ANXIETY otherwise.

Plus, it is absolutely necessary for you to gain your W's RESPECT as a MAN. Of course, she will respond angrily..because she does not want to stop contact with the OM..but as long as that door remains OPEN..your marriage remains VULNERABLE TO ATTACK..your family remains VULNERABLE TO ATTACK..Are you willing to allow your FAMILY to remain IN DANGER??? You are more of a MAN than this, NC...Yes, I am saying to MAN UP...Your wife will find this to be ATTRACTIVE..and if she does not, she is not the woman that you want, NC...You want a wife that RESPECTS YOU....because that is LOVING....that is what a MAN DESERVES...



It is not OK to GIVE UP...I don't care how many times that it takes you. I say that this is something that HAS to be done or what we recommend here is USELESS...

Dr. Harley makes this VERY CLEAR..about how an A needs to END....

EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS TO PROTECT THE MARRIAGE....

I am, I was just saying that I had a bad weekend, and started to think about getting into trouble. I know that I will make it, I'm just going through my resentment phase a little early. I talked with a few women to appease the taker a little bit. Nothing that the wife would have a problem with. I was wearing my wedding ring the entire time. Like I said, I was just having a down day and was desperately seeking some female attention. Just to let me know that I still got it. I DO!

NC,

Tell your wife the truth. You might be surprised at what she has to say.

I have told me wife recently about triggers that i have or thoughts that I have and found out that they were way off base from what she was thinking. Let her feel closer to you by telling her your thoughts and feelings. She probably has a need to help and this will give her a way.

Jim, taking notes???

M2L

I don't need to take notes. I'll just dust off my digital voice recorder instead. Seriously though, I did open up to my wife on her way home. I told her that I was having a bad weekend, and although I know that she is having a hard time with this as well, any help that she could give to the marriage would be much appreciated by me. I started tearing up a bit. I don't know if she would have gone in to work anyway (she was a little hung over), but she made a point to say that she would spend the rest of the day with me on the couch. I also talked to her a bit about my feelings while we were laying in bed before we fell asleep, and she layed her head on my shoulder. Not the "I love you" and SF that I have been hoping for, but better than nothing. Like I said, the taker was just trying to get out this weekend. I know I'm on the right track.

M2L,
will definitely talk to WW about my feelings......tonight.

thanks J, mimi,M2.

I'm encouraging you to do these things because I WANT TO HELP YOU RECOVER YOUR MARRIAGE.

Seriously, I don't think it's possible without the NC LETTER and EXPOSURE.

Her commitment to NC is necessary for you to be able to ever trust her again. You will live with so much ANXIETY otherwise.


mimi this just about sums it up.......

will bring up NC letter again.

thanks mimi.

NC you need a NC letter. I've been waiting for that.

My wife called OM months ago and let me listen in. She told him it was over, move on and leave us alone. Then she gave me her cell phone for the week. She though he might call - he did. I had the drop on him with the caller ID. He thought he would be calling my wife.

When I answered he sounded stunned and then started telliing me that the phone calls have to stop. I said "you are calling me to tell me that these calls have to stop?" DUH. stupid man. After I was done he totally understands not to call again.

In your case a NC letter is a good idea. Let your wife know that this will help you also not just her. Things have been pretty much the same for us and our wives so I say this to you - your wife wants to help you heal and this is a way to do it. Mine feels like that now.

M2L

Yes ...how didyou bring up the NC letter in a non confrontational way? so that she zeroes in on the hurt she is causing and not the fact that she cannot do without talking to this man?

They were "friends" for 16 years now and i want it cut off totally.....how do i do this so she understands? to see the overall picture.

Obviously i have been doing something wrong.

Well NC, my wife thought the NC letter was nuts and she wouldn't do it. When she heard from a friend (she knew everything about the EA) that OM was asking about her she called to yell at him. IT'S OVER - MOVE ON - WE WERE WRONG - IT WAS A FANTASY AND NOT REAL. Things like that. I enjoy the fact that this friend tells me that OM is getting his a55 handed to him almost everynight from his wife. I feel so bad for him - not.

I don't know if there was an exact time or thing that snapped my wife out of the fog, but she tells me almost every day that the changes I made (plan A) to me have made her see just what a mistake it was. All the things I did while in plan A and waiting for her to come around were adding up in her head even if I didn't see it.

M2L

You ask: "How do you bring up the No Contact Letter in a nonconfrontational way?"

My question to you is: "How do you tell your son that he cannot run into the street in front of a car?"

I guess you are not feeling the importance of this.

I am talking about the DESTRUCTION of your MARRIAGE by another man...by this affair....

Are you going to let this happen or are you going to FIGHT for what's yours?

Are you going to allow your wife to DISRESPECT you?

Are you AFRAID of her response?

Listen to me..I'm not saying anything to you that was not said to me RIGHT HERE ON THIS FORUM....

YOU DO NOT HAVE HER ANYWAY..until she COMMITS TO NO CONTACT WITH HIM FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE...

You PLAN A to negotiate this..if this does not occur, then PLAN B.... THIS IS HOW MB WORKS, NC..THIS IS THE MB PLAN TO RECOVER MARRIAGES....

It did not matter to me whether it was CONFRONTATIONAL or not..I knew that I had to insist upon the NC LETTER or our marriage was over....

My H grew to RESPECT me..with his RESPECT, I became MORE ATTRACTIVE TO HIM...

I would think this would be even moreso the case for increasing your WW's love for you...



This is all about YOU. Do you see how RIDICULOUS this is? Marriage is FORSAKING ALL OTHERS..that is the MARITAL VOW. I would say this to her...calmly yet assertively. NC, she either wants to be MARRIED OR NOT. We already know that she and the OM to not understand the sacredness of marriage but that does not mean that you have to buy into that crap.

Don't forget about the need to speak with his wife or the need to at least send her a copy of the NC LETTER as well...

It is not about HER UNDERSTANDING..It is about what YOU BELIEVE IN and what YOU WILL OR WILL NOT TOLERATE...

These are my words from my PLAN B INSPIRATIONAL JOURNAL-7/03

It is not about HER UNDERSTANDING..It is about what YOU BELIEVE IN and what YOU WILL OR WILL NOT TOLERATE...

i am not debating telling her.........i am asking how to go about doing it.The proper way..that the message is paid attention to.........

NC,

you wrote this on 12-15-06:

This IS HER MINDSET, she keeps talking to me about waiting till i hear everything then dump her. Just waiting for the shoe to fall.......i hate HER ATTITUDE for thinking this. Honestly, wouldn’t i have done this by now? Do i ignore her when she says this or do i keep telling her it is for life?

What is it that she hasn't told you yet? You need to call OMW now!!! Then you and your wife need to have an O&H talk about these issues. While talking you bring up the NC letter. She may feel like it would be a good time to write it so she can close this part of her life. She is O&H with you and you two mail the letter. Done over, let's work on NC and Mrs NC now.

Do it today and get it over with before Christmas gets closer. Get the weight off you and your wife today.

M2L

Why don't you write down exactly what you want to say and PRACTICE? That't what I used to do..still do when I am anxious about conflict...I used to be quite an AVOIDER...

The main thing is to be CALM yet ASSERTIVE and MATTER OF FACT...the softer this is said, the better....

"I need for you to write a letter to "OM" telling him that you will never see or talk to him again in your life."..Deep breath...Deep breath....

That's it. Simple, clear and concise.

WW: "Why...he is my friend...SCREAM..YELL..WHINE....

"I need for you to write the letter"...NO EXPLANATION....Walk away..You are saying what YOU WANT AND NEED....

At first, it may seem that she doesn't like this...

But she will grow in her RESPECT of you and will find this to be TOUGH and MANLY...

THINK DENZEL WASHINGTON ....I'm seeing DENZEL WASHINGTON...TRAINING DAY..MAN ON FIRE..OUT OF TIME..Rent one of these movies for motivation.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

NC,

I asked my wife to fill out the EN form early on. EARLY ON

Her #1 was respect/admiration. As you may know the OM in her life is a DR. Came from not much to become what he is today. These were her words, not mine.

After I plan Aed and OM turned out to be a tool, like they all do, my wife respects what I have done and admires me for it. Her #2 was family and I nailed that with plan A. Now I have #1 and #2 down and #3 is time together that is why I'm taking off Tuesday afternoon and spending it with her.

M2L

PERFECT.

~ Marsh

You're a smart guy, M2L.

Smart, smart, smart.

~ Marsh

Thanks Marsh,

I am only doing what I have learned here and what feels right to me.

Someone here said that this is simple, but not easy. This is so true. Each step is simple, but getting past each step is hard.

M2L

NC:
I hope to read something good when I come to work in the morn.