I had never heard of this man until a week ago and I am angry!! All contanct with this man is done at work. So there are no phone or e-mail records. I have recently purchased a voice activated recorder. I haven't found anything with that so far. I am not just sitting around waiting for her to stop. I am trying to verify!!

OK, so let me get this straight.

Does your wife want to reconcile your marriage, or not?

Bluntly, if she wants to pursue the marriage, then she needs to issue that NC letter whether or not she agrees with it. She can think it's stupid and childish...but YOU know better. FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!

Tell her that it doesn't matter whether or not SHE thinks that it's OK for her to go over to another man's house by herself for no reason...it's equally unimportant if she thinks that sending an NC letter to ENSURE that OM is out of her life permanently is a childish waste of time. It's YOUR REQUIRMENT TO RECONCILE YOUR MARRIAGE. YOU weren't the one who went outside the bounds here...SHE was. And SHE needs to take the actions that YOU need to fix it.

CD,

It sounds to me as though she is being "Fairly" honest with you. She did tell you about what has been going on.

This is basicaly a wake up call to you to tell you to make some changes in your self or I may leave. Sit down with her and go through the EN questioner. Determine her top five emotional needs. Figure out what you are not doing right. Is she willing to do that?

If she is truly remorseful she will agree to a NC letter. It could be that she will not do it because she wants to string this guy along just in case you wont make any changes.

Ask her if she is willing to share the emails that they sent back and forth.

Keep your eyes open! Watch your LB's.

Hang in there

Since our talk on the weekend my wife has never been nicer. She is has been more loving and affectionate than she has been our entire relationship. We have been talking about our future together and all our hopes and dreams. We have actually been communicating. I also brought up the NC letter again. I told her I wouldn’t feel safe and our marriage would not recover until it is written. She again refused to write a NC letter or tell me who he is, but she did say that she would tell me if he contacted her again.

Something just occurred to me that makes me some what suspicious. About a year ago my wife got a new job responsibility. Along with her current job she became an efficiency expert for her location. She now had double the work. We typically ride to work together, but now with the extra workload she would drive herself and go in early sometimes. Since she had new responsibilities this didn’t seen unusual. At first the days varied depending on her workload, but after a while it seemed to be every Wednesday. She would always be home on time after work except when she stopped to get groceries. But why every Wednesday?

So here are my thoughts. I think she does want to work on the marriage, but I also think she was way more involved with this man than she is telling me. I think she is not telling me who it is because she thinks I might contact him and hear a different story. She probably wants to keep him around just in case things don’t work out with me.

I am already in plan A. From what I gather here, NC will be very difficult for her if she was in an on going affair with him. So I am going to snoop. I have already placed a digital recorder in her car. I am also considering a GPS unit. I think these are my two best options, because all communication has been from her place of work so far and there is no other way for me to verify no contact. I have also purchased “Not Just Friends”, I have asked her to read it and she has started to look through it a little bit. I have started to read it.

Sorry I’m just kind of throwing out random thoughts here. I really have no one else to discuss this with. My wife and I are communicating pretty well right now and she seems sincere, but I just don’t trust everything she is telling me. I feel kind of alone. Is that normal for this situation?

You are very smart to not trust everything she is telling you right now. Of course you feel alone. You are alone. She will not tell you information you need to know. How can you not feel alone? You may want to change the title of your thread to "My wife is having an emotional affair, maybe more--Help me snoop".

That way you will get help from some of the expert snoopers on this forum.

I know how you feel. I had to deal with an EA. It was ended as soon as I found out about it (well pretty soon after I found out), but it is still difficult managing the feelings of betrayal when we had a darned good marriage.

Getting info and ending the affair is your first step. Recovery is you second step. Good to hear you are in plan A. My thoughts are with you.
Lake

CD, I think you are exactly on the right track. I suspect this affair is much more entrenched than you know and I believe she won't send the letter or tell you WHO because she may opt to resume the affair. As long as you don't know WHO, that option is always open to her.

AND, until she cuts of contact with him, she will NEVER EVER withdraw and the affair will be on again, off again FOR YEARS. Did you know that? She will be in a state of perpetual withdrawal for YEARS or as long as she continues to communicate with him.

So, the only thing left to you is to get the goods and confront her wtih them. Find out who this guy is and make so trouble for him that he will never want to see her again. He might be MARRIED, so a call to his W would likely kill the affair. But you have a RIGHT to know who he is and she is cruel to withhold this information from you. He gets to know who you are, but you are deprived from knowing who he is. Sorry, but that is trust inspiring, that is trust eroding.


That is perfectly NORMAL to not trust an untrustworthy person. Your wife is untrustworthy and only an INSANE person would trust someone who is untrustworthy. Trust must be EARNED, and it cannot ever be earned until she tells you the FULL TRUTH. And I dont believe you have the truth yet. As long as she has secrets with the OM to which you are not privy, trust will never be restored.

ps. Dr. Harley is a very successful psychologist who specializes in adultery and he recommends sending a no contact letter. He is not what I would consider "childish," but very practical and EXPERIENCED in repairing marriages after affairs. Show your wife this article written by the very "immature" Dr. Willard Harley:

How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

A sample letter from Surviving an Affair:


(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

You are on the right track here. I would definitely get the GPS unit. Another idea would be to hire a PI and have him tail her on Wednesdays. That shouldn't be so expensive if you strictly limit him to a specific day and time.

You should also check her cell phone bill. If this is a personal cell phone you might be able to access her bill online. I am assuming you have already checked your home phone bill? If he is local, she might be calling him from your home phone when you aren't there so I would suggest a phone tap if you think she calls him from home. If she communicates on a home computer you could put a keylogger on it and have the reports mailed to you.

Here is a link to a GPS unit: http://www.landairsea.com/

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...p;vc=1&nt=2

ML,

I have checked the cell phone records. She just uses it for family and friends. There were no numbers I didn’t recognize there and I was able to check the last 6 months. Also, I have had a keylogger on the computer for years. I installed it when the kids were starting their teenage years and some things they were telling me just didn’t add up. My wife knows it’s on there and I have never seen anything inappropriate.

The OM is local, she has told me that much. I think the GPS is the best route to go. It will tell me where her car is. I can’t think of any other way to catch her. As far as I can tell all her communication with him is done at work. She told me past communication has been done through e-mail. I have the password for a hotmail account that I know of and there have been no inappropriate e-mails. Also when I e-mail her at work she has asked me to use her hotmail account because they aren’t supposed to use their work e-mail for personal business. I would think this would hold true for the OM as well. This leads me to believe she has another e-mail account. Is there any way to find out if she has another account? If she uses it strictly at work I don’t see how I can find out.

Just one more thing. I have always considered myself a fairly intelligent man and as I stated above when the kids tried to feed me a line of bull I could almost always tell. The keylogger just confirmed it. I’m almost a little embarrassed that my wife has been able to fool me for what quite possibly could be years. Maybe it hasn’t been years, but I guess the point is until I find out for sure and she starts being truthful with me I’ll never know. I won’t be blind anymore!!