He picks her up every Saturday and has the whole day with her. She's only 2.5. I know he loves her completely - but in the only way he knows how - which doesn't include any contact the other days, or questions about her, or concern when she's sick. Just picks her up for his day and drops her back.

He told me once again the other night that he's lived with a slightly sick feeling in his stomach for the 8 years we've been together, and that he doens't love me as a husband should. It's been 12 months and he's never asked me to go for a coffee or a chat or anything. He's never asked me how I am...he doens't even seem to understand how deeply this has affected me. It's like there's no light upstairs.

He's still not admitting OW is arriving next week, but won't deny it (I found out another way). I told him to give me an answer by the end of the year, so my decision now is...do I make him make the final decision, or do I just start divorce proceedings. I know in my heart he's not coming back, but I guess there's always the old age question...what if? What if I keep hanging on? What if he eventually wants to come back? What if he doesn't...and I'm wasting precious years of my life? What if...

Your focus is in the wrong area. The question s/b how much more are you willing to take of his crap and WS babble?

What are you doing so your mind and heart can sync up....allowing you to move forward and away from the A?

L.

Hi Orchid

I'm not sure...how can I get my heart and mind to be in sync? I don't think I can take any more. I'm just finding it so hard to make the cut. I've done so well for 12 months - I've hardly love-busted, I've babbled back, I've showed him I'm moving on with my life, I've been pleasant and friendly and made sure I've looked great every time I've seen him, I've been co-operative in every way, I've told him I still love him, I've found myself a new church, new friends, kept very close with old friends, I've just started my own business.....I've made a tremendous life for my daughter and I...although I'm still living with my parents!! But I'm proud of how I've handled all this...everyone tells me they can't believe my strength and dignity...sure I've slipped up a few times.

Can you help me out in where you think I should be going and doing next?

Orchid: You have already looked and seen how far you have come. Now hold on tight because the road ahead will be bumpy, rocky and ride like a wild rollercoaster. Be prepared to lose your balance, your food and some of your gutz whilest on this ride but in the end, you will survive.

Now to the matter of getting your mind and heart in sync, pay attention:

1. Read SAA, take the EN questionnaire
2. Get with a good MC familar with MB principals or better yet....call Steve H @ MB for some direct phone counseling. Worth every penny but it is a pretty penny.

3. Make your plan A changes....for you. NOT for the WS but for you. When u r done....

4. Identify and implement plan B. Best protection for the BS. Consider the WS and OP your mortal enemy. Don't give your heart, your children nor your $$ to these beasts. They will suck the life of all that is around and you still demand your soul.

5. Identify and implement your personal boundaries. Yours and then the one's for your M.

6. Secure your finances. Get professional help if need be.

7. If you have children, reassure them of your love and loyalty. Get them counseling as needed. Notify their school, day care, teachers, relatives, neighbors and friends to be there to help them and give your children a safe place and person to share their feelings with. Bond with them. Be a part of their support group and make them a part of yours. Do NOT lie to your children. Many times, the children know more than the BS may realize. These little ones can cut major holds in the fog and the A.

8. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

9. Reverse babble as needed.


Orchid: See the above. Looks like you've got a lot to keep you busy.

take care,
L.

Orchid, thank you for your response. I really appreciate the time you took.

When I read what you wrote about the road ahead being bumpy and rocky and that I'd probably loose my balance (and food!!!) it made me realise that I'm at the very end of this road. I've done the bumps, I've done the rollercoaster, I've read every book on an affair possible, I've prayed for God's direction, I've spent 12 months separated from my husband and not once have I been given even the slightest hint that he loves me. He's had 7 months living on the other side of the world from his girlfriend while me and our daughter have been right here and he has not ever made one move in our direction. He wrote the following things to me the other night:

- i think that i made a bad decision a long time ago by marrying you without either more time together or talking about the fears that i hid deep down

- (my name) i dont know how to say this in a way that doesnt hurt you but i dont love you as a husband should
and i fear what sort of a husband i would be to you. if i were to say what I do and dont want, then as i have said to you before, i wouldnt choose to be with you


- 8 years i have lived with a slightly sick feeling in my stomach, an unhappiness deep down knowing that i have made a mistake. how do i go back to that? that is the decision that keeps me awake at night - going back to something that was never fully right and hope that it could be different

- i built you up where you tore me down even when i knew my feelings werent always there. i still made stupid bad decisions based on not hurting you. later when we were married i know i did hurt you and didnt build you up etc
but you were able by that point to be a different person
to how you were when we met


In all honesty, I'm not totally convinced that all my husband has said to me over the last 12 months is just 'fog' talk. And if it's not...how do you fight for a marriage where your husband has said he's lived with a slightly 'sick feeling in his stomach' for the whole time he's been with you? How can I sleep in the same bed with a man that has said those things. Fog talk, maybe. I'm just not totally convinced it really is.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Orchid, I've realised today that maybe my rollercoaster is really just beginning. I've been pretty convinced we're coming to the end, but I don't think we are.

I either made a mistake, or just got the timing wrong, but I went to the family court yesterday and got my daughter put on the airport watch list. I didn't realise that at the end of january me, the OW and WH have to face each other in court. I'm sick to my stomach, but I know I will need to find an inner strength.

It's funny how things turn out sometimes, but i was telling one of my closest friends what I did in a text, but instead of sending it to her I accidently sent it to WH!! I was scared of telling him...but now he knows. He of course is furious. I told him my reasons for doing it:
- That I never imagined he would have an affair - i thought I'd married a loyal man
- That I am shocked by the choices he's continued to make over the last 12 months and how he has chosen to care for and protect another woman over his own family
- that I am shocked by his hatred and rage expressed towards my family
- that I was shocked that you sent our msn conversation along with my most open feelings and vulnerabilities to his mother
- and that I am shocked that he is bringing the woman over here to my country who has been the cause of incredible pain to his family into our lives.

I told him in 12 months he has given me no reason to trust him and that i can no longer just 'trust' that he will not do more to hurt me. I told him I no longer trust him.

I've had no response. But I prayed that if I made a mistake in doing this, or if I just got the timing wrong that God would use it for good...somehow.

So...maybe I'm not allowed to 'give up' yet. Maybe I am in for a much bumpier ride.

Is there anybody who thinks I've done the right thing in putting my child on the Airport Watch List now that WH has brought OW out here to my country secretly? I have a dear friend who thinks the timing was wrong.

I really need imput desperately. Today is one of the darkest days I've ever encounted in my life.

I'm all in favor of protecting your child at any cost.

The MB recommendation: good, short Plan A, followed by stern Plan B.

Very seldom will you see an A come to an end before Plan B is implemented.

Chances are excellent all that sick to his stomach garbage was fog.

What does the 'watch list' do?

L.

It just means if ANYONE tries to remove her from the country either by boat or plane, a security alert will come up if her passport is presented at any port. I would be contacted immediately.

Is there a chance he or the OW would do this? Btw, why did he sneak the OW into the country? Can't you bust that?

L.

I hope that it's not something WH or OW would do - but I don't know who this man is anymore!

The reason I did it was because my Daughter was born in WH's country - not mine. She is a citizen here, and this as far as any court is concerned this is her home now, but WH has no family in this country and I think he is beginning to feel backed into a corner. The hatred and death threats he has given my Dad and feels towards my family scare me. I can no longer say that I have no doubt he wouldn't take our daughter, get on a plane and take her back to his country. I still want to believe he wouldn't, but I wouldn't have dreamed in a million years he'd have done what he's done over the past 12 months.

OW arrives here on Tuesday I think. Think she is probably coming in on a 'working holiday visa', but don't know how I could check that out for sure. Either way, it means she's legal.

I have no idea why he is sneaking her in here. In the last 3 weeks or so I told him that HE was the one in 2 relationships - HE needed to decide which one he was ending - not me. (He's been pushing me to end the marriage). I told him if he ended it with her I would commit 100% to marriage counselling. If he ended it with me I would find peace with that. So he's been 'thinking' about it ever since. I threw a spanner in the works when, after 2 weeks, I told him I wanted an answer by the end of the year. All along he's known she's arriving out here and I think he really didn't think I'd find out and that he could enjoy shacking up with her and still try to force me into ending the marriage. I told him i wouldn't do his dirty work for him. If he wanted the end of our marriage - HE was going to have to!

Things have been awful between us this last week after he sent our 32 page msn conversation onto his MOTHER who sent me a blasting email saying my writing was a 'wonderful literary piece of fiction'. What a pleasant woman huh.

But even so, and even finding out that I've been to court, he still hasn't ended our marriage. I'm not sure what to do from here. I guess I just need to wait for his decision?

Contact authorities and question the OWs status. Let them know she is already forming alliances with a resident and her intentions are highly questionable. Makes one wonder if that is what her 'countrymen promote'. Yea, raise a lot of questions and let others put on the pressure. Who is sponsering the OW? Can you ID her country?

As for the WS feeling backed into a corner, that is very likely so you are wise to take protective action. As for his threats to your family, you should report it.

His mother is his mother. She may not realize her son is a WS or c/b in denial of it. Return a civil reply and let her know she is enabling an WS. That's all you need to say. She will have to carry that guilt.

L.

Authorities over here are so protective of people's privacy (I'm in Australia). My feelings are that the authorities would say 'that's great...what do you expect us to do about it?' when I told them a woman is coming here to further destroy my family. I know her brother is here but in another state which concerns me greatly because it sounds like he's got some sort of permanent visa. She's from the UK.

We reported the threats to the police at least - so there is a record of that.

His Mother is a former pastor's wife. So hard to believe what she's doing, but not suprising at all given her history of total support to her family no matter what the situation. She suggested God is graciously and mercifully working to bring 3 people into my daughter's life to love her. OH MY GOODNESS! Unblieveable.

My problem is I'm a doormat. My WH knows this. I'm fighting every urge to apologise to him just so I can make him 'like' me again. I need help!

My family, my friends, my pastors are now saying 'LucyLoo, you need to forget this man and move on with your life'. But I just can't seem to let go. I'd be one of those woman who kept returning to a wife basher - I have no doubt.

LL,

1st of all, you need to get your mind and heart in sync. There are several MBers out that way. The one's that come to mind are KiwiJ and Big Kahuna. Not sure exactly where they are but I think they are in Aussieland. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Also got a few MBers in the UK. So if you want to holler out to them, who knows.....they maybe able to offer some helpful info.

Go read Surviving an Affair along with His needs/Her needs and Love must be tough. You need to have a plan.

As for MIL - leave her alone. It's her son and she is obviously in denial.

As for your friends and family, tell them this: Thank you for your suggestions and concern. I am giving deep thought to what you are telling me. You are part of my support group and I appreciate you. As part of my support group, I will continue to hear what you have to say but in order for you to continue to be part of my support group, please respect my decision. The reason is that all of you don't have all the info. But your insight even as it is, is important to me. Thank-you.

That is what I said to my family and friends. As a result, I did get the support I needed.

Hope this helps.
L.

Over a month ago I told my WH I would commit 100% to marriage counselling if he ended his relationship with OW. I told him I wanted an answer by the end of the year.

The end of the year came and went and when I asked him (on Dec 31st!) if he had an answer for me he said 'not yet'. I told him I would ask him in one more week and I wanted a final answer then. I therefore asked him today and he said he can't give me an answer yet and he didn't know when he would be able to at this stage.

The background to the last few weeks is that OW arrived out here from UK and is now living with him. So, considering she's given alot up for him, I can understand why he won't give me an answer...after all, he's done nothing but protect her over the last 12 months.

So now what should I do? My 'I want a final answer' has come and gone and I still haven't got one.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I think your H has already given you his answer, in his own way.

I think so too. I think he's given me an answer, and very consistantly, over the last 12 months.

But what do I do now?


Take the huge step of accepting that this marriage is dead (12 months of separation and not ONE single move toward me or our marriage) and 'get on with my life'? File for divorce? Or should I just keep waiting?

When do you know when to give up?