I'm working on a parenting plan now. Think I'll ask him to get together with me to discuss this, but I will be putting that we've both agreed OW is not to have contact with our daughter. I'll do everything I can do to get this to happen, because a parenting plan is legally binding in this country. I feel though that I need to be smart and savvy. I'm trying to protect my daughter, not hurt WH. I feel no need for revenge or anything like that.

I've decided I'm definately done.

Someone said I would know when I'd had enough (that may even have been you!) and I know now that I'm there. I can't do this anymore. When you have to work that hard to get someone to love you, you've got to ask - is it really worth it? Can I live with this for the rest of my life? I truly believe this affair was an exit affair for us. And those kind of affairs are really the final death of the marriage. JMO.

I feel calm, very calm about my decision. I'm not looking for another man...in fact I don't think I ever want one again. Maybe that desire will change in time, but I'm happy on my own now.

When someone tells you you were a mistake from the beginning, that they married you more because it was what you wanted than what they wanted, that they cared more about not hurting you at the time than being honest with themselves, when they tell you they've lived with a slightly sick feeling in their stomach for the 8 years you were together, and you can look back on the entire marriage, and even part of the courtship and see without a doubt that there is definately some truth to what is being said...then there's no going back.

Now I just want to do everything I can to protect my daughter and get on with my life.

You are almost at a turning point but you still need more clarity. Almost there....be patient.

Hugz,
L.

More clarity about his feelings for me? Their relationship? What should I be looking for?

Orchid: WS' has no good feelings for the BS and family. Just a lot of false history and hate.


Orchid: The A is toxic and will suck the life of all who allow themselves to be sucked into it.


Orchid: You should be looking for a safe place away from the WS for you and your family. You should be looking for the time when you know your mind and heart are in sync. You should be looking to identify your boundaries and implementing them regardless of how it affects the WS. So long as it helps you and your family.

L.

Thanks Orchid,

I guess what I'm saying is I feel I'm at that turning point. You said: 'You are almost at a turning point but you still need more clarity'.

I guess I'm not quite sure what you're saying.

I've not lived in the same house as WH for 16 months. We don't talk unless it's to organise drop off and pick up of daughter. As far as boundaries go, he still says hurtful things, they just don't penetrate me anymore. Boundaries with my daughter are a different thing, and I definately implement them. (Actually, that's not entirely true, but I don't know how to 'make' him stop OW from being in contact with daughter except to hope he'll keep to his word). That's where the parenting plan comes in I guess.

I feel my head and heart are finally in sink. I really KNOW that now.

But you're saying to be patient. Should I just sit and be still for a while longer?

Orchid: When you get to a turning point, your objective become more clear. You will find what the WS does, affects you less. You are allowed to focus and plan with clarity. Not as clouded worrying what the WS will think or say about your decisions.

Those turning points are vital in the BS' recovery. For me it gave me back the control. Yea.....the very control the WS accused me was now my strength..... the next time the WS tried to babble the control line and make me feel guilty he was met with acceptance and then I turned it around and slapped him back with his own words. It went something like this:

WS: See you are always trying to control me.

BS: No, I am not. Wish I could but you are too stupid to control. The OW is controlling you and making you look stupid, but you seem to like it.

WS: Yea she controls me too.

BS: Well I will give you credit for one thing.

Ws: What's that.

BS: I realize you were right about my need to control. I have to....u r out of control and I can't live with someone that wacko.

WS: Uhh...uhmmm..... what do you mean?

BS: No worries....you've got your rented room and stinky Ow. That doesn't sound or look like a happy person to me. So I am glad NOT to be under your control. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> You had better go before I throw you out.

WS: Ok.

The convo happened in 2001. I still remember most of it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Orchid: Ok, so that's all the better. You can heal much easier if the WS isn't interacting as often. You think you are in a bad spot when in reality you are better off than those who have the WS in their home. Imagine having to live day in and out with a nut case who loves inflicting pain on you and your family? That w/b scary and highly stressful.

So use your time wisely when interacting with the WS. Require he check his WS attitude at the curb. Demand it or don't let him in.



Orchid: Be patient so that you can have a clear view of what is transpiring. If you focus too much on the wrong thing.... (aka: tunnel vision) you will miss the opportunities to punch a hole in the fog and help your H escape.

Refocus. Clear your mind of the WS fog. Clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.....my mantra. What's yours? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.