QUOTE:
In a marriage, you would hope that a partner had at one time met those needs. So for them to revert back to meeting those needs through Plan A, the plan might work.

Looking back, my needs changed through the course of my marriage. It wasn't until we had kids that domestic support, financial support and parenting skills became some of my top needs. He was NEVER good at them. So when he tried to change and demonstrate those abilities, it was insincere. I didn't trust his changes.

GG:
Right on! I think that's one of the reasons why my marriage was doomed. We couldn't move beyond Plan A, where I met all his needs without asking for mine to be met. B's ENs and mine were so different in the way we liked them met that we couldn't even POJA them. Any negotiation involved a feeling of sacrifice on both sides. We each felt we never got anything we wanted. At least, I felt that way, and B said he felt that way.

But also, I think people only do plan A and only give it a chance when they're trying to avoid extreme discomfort, pain, agony and the giant unknown. In a dating situation, even a courting situation where it's clear the couple is trying each other on for size, even then, I don't think there's all that much at stake.

I'm sure G felt differently. I'm sure she felt a year's relationship is big stuff. It's not until you have created on life, invested many years, and possibly have children and pets in common that you realize what having a lot at stake really is.

I guess it's the difference between losing the possibility of a future, like G and AGG did, and losing the present life and starting again.

I do think that G tried a Plan A of sorts, after I broke up with her. She even tried to tell me in one of our chats that she simply didn't know what my needs were, and that now that she found out, she changed overnight. According to her, her "changes" were a good demonstration that she simply didn't know what I wanted, and once she did, it was easy to change.

Well, that is total nonsense. I reminded her that I told her over the entire relationship how I wanted a partner, not someone who was not around until after noon, could not keep their place reasonably tidy, could not boil an egg, did not want to go hiking, camping, to a noon baseball game, to a matinee, or to jump in a pool for a swim. She knew all of this, she simply did not want to act on it until I broke up with her. So it was not a matter of her not knowing.

I think this is what gives Plan A a bad name, that people on the receiving end of it are so frustrated that their spouse decided to wait until they "checked out" to finally decide to meet their needs. I can see where that comes from. But again, that is marriage, and there is (or should be) some sense of commitment and "you owe it to the relationship to try" - this does not apply to a dating relationship.

I suppose there is a chance that some of G's changes are for real, that maybe she did see the light. And if so, that is great, it means I would have made a positive difference in her life. But would I want to date her again? No. For one thing, she can only change some of the obvious things (like change her schedule), but she won't change the countless less-definable things that always annoyed me, like the low energy level, inability to get any tasks accomplished, fear of getting dirty or sweaty, etc. Those are mostly character traits, and they won't change overnight.

I also agree with GG's thoughts that to me, having been married, a 10 month relationship is not as much of an investment as perhaps it seemed to G. For me, having been married and gone through a painful divorce, the idea of jumping into another marriage where the incompatibility is already obvious would be foolish. To G, it probably felt like "well, this is good enough, let's get married and let love overcome any issues". Yeah, right...

AGG