Scotty, your chances are good as long as you think they are and stick to the program. Eliminate love busters, fulfill her emotional needs, try to end the affair, and work on making yourself the most confident and attractive person possible. Remember, she is still married to you and you have the best chance of spending the rest of your life with her than anybody. Just stay confident and upbeat. Treat this situation like a complex problem that you are determined to solve. Your chances are much better than you think. It isn't over. She would have left you already if it were over. You just need to outlast her. Trust me, if you follow the advice of everyone here and commit yourself to making the changes necessary to save your marriage, you will make it through. If you need any proof follow the story of dazednconfusedks. He went through much worse, and I think he made it through it. You can do it if it is what you really want.

- Jim

I hit a snag. Went over to my house and OM does not work today. I have worked myself up to get this exposed today and I want to expose before moving my stuff back in. I know that there is a good chance he will be leaving town tonight for the weekend to go to a college football game (he has done this for some time). I just don't want to take the chance of him being able to influence her before I can talk to her as I do only have my WW's admissions.

The best plan of action that I have came up with is to disguise my number, call and see if he is there (which he most likely is). If not, maybe I can sneak over there quick like and tell her. I don't really want to do this over the phone as I will be able to convey much more convincingly through nonverbal communication my real intentions for exposing and my empathy for what she is about to go through if I am there face to face.

Mel,

“where do you get your information that exposure "needs to be modified by professional experts in addiction situations?"’

Experience. MB counseling center.

Yes, expose is good. Especially to OP spouse. But the MB trained marriage coach I used had me do it differently, and somewhat after the fact, from what you guys are recommending he jump into right out of the starting gate.

ED is always an active addiction. For the rest of her life. No one can meet the ENs of a person suffering from ED. A garden variety Plan A, including knee-jerk exposure, is doomed. Scotty is being set up for a false recovery by what I read here.

ED is different from alcoholism, Mel. Much more pervasive. The acting out is different, too.

EDs live in a nightmare fantasy all the time. The A is a minor symptom compared to the other symptoms. Even the excessive drinking is a secondary symptom.

There is another occasional poster on MB I will try to ping on this. She is an ED expert. But I don’t want to call her out until I get her permission.

Do what you feel you need to do, Scotty. Moving back to your own home and your own bed right away is good.

And exposure is the right thing to do in the bigger picture. But I would also have you talk to an MB professional who also understands a bit about ED.

And good luck.


With prayers,

Aphelion,

With giving this more thought, I am very concerned. I did do my research into Bulimia but have to admit that it was years ago and most has been forgotten. As I stated in my original post, my wife did go through 30 day in-patient treatment at Sierra Tucson. She made it for several months (possibly a year or so) after that treatment before she relapsed. At the time of the relapse, we would discuss it and I would see how she was doing. She did go to a few counseling sessions but terminated those pretty quickly. She hated to be on her anti-depressants so one day she just quit taking them. She would experience a short lived high feeling empowered by facing life on her own, but then she crashed very very hard. My attempts to discuss the ED with her created conflict and hostility that she hated, so over time I just quit asking.

I failed my wife in this respect.

After the crash, she would get back on the anti-depressants. I know that she went through that cycle at least twice (quitting the drugs and crashing hard). She admitted that she wanted to hurt herself the last time it happened, which was somewhat close to the time the PA started.

So, not long after the most recent crash came the start of the physical affair. I was (am) under the impression that she had finally got a grip on her ED as she appeared to be obsessing about food less (albiet still always wanting to eat a very low fat diet). Now she has even started eating some fatty food like french fries now and again (which she would never do before). I can only assume that the euphoria of the affiar has displaced her desire to continue with the ED.

I should also mention that my wife was prescribed some sort of thyroid medication a couple of years ago, and that the dose has increased at least once. When she started taking the thyroid meds, she did lose some weight (not that she was ever needed to lose weight to begin with). So, possibly the weight issue led to improvment with the ED, but I know that she is going to be extremely susceptible to relapse when this all goes down and need to make sure proper precautions are taken.

It may have been the grace of God that OM wasn't working today. I know that exposure is necessary, and I will do it, but I also don't want to take the chance that my wife will do something that could be potentially very detrimental to her physical health.

My wife exposed to her parents the night she exposed to me. They love her very much, but do not support what she has done. I have had many conversations with her mother-in-law and have spoken with her two sisters. I think that I should make sure that my wife's mother knows exactly when I am going to expose so that we can possibly have a counselor set up for her to get into right away. Convincing my wife to do it would be extremely difficult, but if her sisters and parents pushed her then maybe she would agree.

I think Amp is right in that I am not just dealing with a WW who is VERY DEEP in the fog. I am also dealing with an extremely insecure, self loathing, and very vunerable person who has some very serious issues.

This is not a cop out. I have no choice but to expose but I want to make sure that she is going to have the support set up to do it. I have just told myself for so long now that the ED has run its course that I haven't really put the necessary thought into this.

Amp, I would appreciate any further thoughts, and if the other expert on ED's is available, could you please PM me and I will get you my email address and whatnot.

It probably would be easiest to just jump ship and run from this whole situation. She has certainly given me an out. But I can't do that. I made a vow to my wife that I would be there for her through good times and bad. I knew that my wife had problems when I made that vow. I can't abandon her now. I love my wife. I will make the commitment to see this through.

Scotty

Scotty,

Don't delay the move back home! Do it Today! Today will be the start of Plan A! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Don't take no for an answer. It is also your home! As MM (a poster that I have a great deal of respect for) stated earlier make her do all the hard work!

You may think that this will be a LB to her. It will not be. She may not like it but she WILL respect you for it (even if she will not admit to it).

A WS will NOT respect a BS she can walk all over. A needy / week / pleading BS is very UNATTRACTIVE to a WS. A part of Plan A is to attempt to attract her back to the M.

Standing up for yourself (even if it makes the WS angry for a time) is far more attractive to the WS.

BTW: I don't blame you for not wanting to expose in the possible presence of the OM. It would be, at best, an unpredictable sitch.

Remember to look after your own safty in this!

Hopefully you'll reply to this post from your House later today!

Stay Strong!

Scotty,

""Tomorrow I plan on skipping work, exposing the affair to the OM's wife and their coworkers, and also plan on moving back into my house after just having moved out this last weekend.""

VERRRY AWESOME!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Stay strong!! You have a huge amount of support behind you from all of us here in the halls of MB.

""and buy myself some toenail polish."" AND FUNNY TOO! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

EDITED TO READ: Scotty I just realized I missed all of page three of the thread. Oops. So at least move in!!

I did read a post from a Betrayed H that told the OMW in person while the OM was there!! It was a fantastic read! The OM just stood there, red faced and speechless, like the low down coward he was. All the readers cheered the guy!

ROTFLMAO!!!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Scotty,

“My attempts to discuss the ED with her created conflict and hostility that she hated, so over time I just quit asking.

I failed my wife in this respect.”

No you did not! BTDT. Total Unequivocal Denial (punctuated with an occasional, but short lived, crash into reality) is one of the strongest symptoms of ED.

Did you know that another actually catalogued symptom of ED is sexual promiscuity and extramarital affairs? It is especially true of bulimia, less so of anorexia. (I wonder why the difference, myself.)

ENs for an ED affected person are difficult targets.

Rather than post this stuff through my filters, can you afford to call the MB counseling center? (If you can’t let me know.)

You need both MB methods to deal with the adultery and highly specialized addiction counseling. This is not going to get better with just MB.


"It probably would be easiest to just jump ship and run from this whole situation. She has certainly given me an out. But I can't do that. I made a vow to my wife that I would be there for her through good times and bad. I knew that my wife had problems when I made that vow. I can't abandon her now. I love my wife. I will make the commitment to see this through."

Yes, it would be easiest. I agree with you though. This is the ethical path. My FWW is a beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, valuable person with a serious problem. But we are working on it together. I love her beyond mere feelings.


Oh, and one last thing: ED never, ever “runs its course.”


With prayers,

Don't tell MIL....she'll worry so much about her daughters health she is bound to warn her

Also, I don't know about renting a UHAUL and moving everything back in... just grab a few suitcases and move yourself back in. It is possible she'll escalate her anger over exposure into a physical (albeit one sided) altercation and THEN call the cops to have YOU restrained and removed from the home. It's a typical desparate move but you don't need to have ALL your stuff there now...just YOU and your clothes are enough. It's YOUR call. Think about it.

I'd think her affair (and the necessary withdrawal) is going to trigger her ED and it's symptons. If she stays in the affair she'll likely get worse. She may never overcome her ED, however, recovering her marriage is the best chance she has to recover or avoid ED symptoms in my unprofessional estimation.

Mr. Wondering

I feel that if I am going to move in, then I need to move everything back and show her that it is not a weak, desparation move on my part. She already thinks that I am desparate and not confident. I'm sure I gave her that impression. I know now that I prefer and desire my marriage to work, but I do not need it to.

I agree that whether I expose or just jumped ship right now my wife is going to have to face her eating disorder. She will always have to deal with the ED as Alp says. If by the grace of God we can save our marriage it is something we will have to deal with as husband and wife.

My biggest concern right now is that she has stated that she had some suicidal thoughts. When the OM had his baby on her birthday a little over a month ago, she was completely wrecked. I was still ignorant of the affair, but I was there and I could tell how wrecked she was. She lied to me and told me that it was the fertility drugs that were doing a number on her hormones and that she was scared that her ED could have made her infertile (which could be true).

After I discovered the affair, she admitted that she had strong feelings for the OM as evidenced by her reaction to his having his baby on her Bday. She also metioned that she did have suicidal thoughts on that day, and that scares me.

I have called a local treatment center to try to find an expert on ED addictions so that I can at least discuss. The problem is I don't know how wife is going to get hooked up with any such counselor as she sure as heck isn't going to listen to me. I can only hope that she would turn to her family and listen to them, but she is pretty much turning away from everybody that has her best interests in mind; as far away as possible.

I don't think that my initial exposing is going to make her crash. She will be infuriated that I inform her superiors and coworkers, but I think that with respect to the OMW she may be secretly glad. Now it is exposed so OM will have to **** or get off the pot. It's that decision (which will not likely involve leaving his wife) that she is going to be most suceptible. If she doesn't have anybody to turn to, I'm afraid of what she may do. I don't know that she ever would do something like that, but I can't ignore the possibility.

I don't know what I should do. I know that exposure is necessary. She will have to deal with this sooner or later regardless.

Scotty

Are you posting from back in your home?

Scotty, suicidal thoughts are pretty common in affairs, it comes with the territory when you are violating your conscience. If I were you, I would try exposing to the OMW first and see if that ends the affair. THEN make a decision whether or not to expose at work.

I think you have another concern to consider here and that is her increased drinking and addictive personality. It is very common for a WS to drink heavily during their affair and very easy to cross that line into alcoholism. The purpose is to drown their conscience, which is usually screaming about their unjust behavior.

It would not surprise me if she crossed the line into alcoholism because of her affair. Blowing the lid off her affair will certainly aggravate and infuriate her, but it will be the first step in killing the thing that is causing her drinking and may pull her back from the brink.

So, while you want to be as careful as possible, don't waste too much time in getting this show on the road. I know from experience that that line can be crossed very quickly and very subtly. And then you will have a whole new set of problems to deal with if she is addicted to alcohol.

She may be already addicted to alcohol. She may be doing fine with her bulimia but she has cross addicted over to the euphoria of the affair (and is abusing alcohol). When the affair crashed down or eventually dies on its own, she will likely go back to food or booze. We will need to be prepared and get her into counseling (use an intervention specialist if necessary)

I moved back in to my house. I had to call her at work and let her know as I was getting ready to take things over becasue her friend (other WS) was sleeping at my house and she wouldn't answer the phone.

WW was shocked to hear I was moving back in, thought for a second, and asked why (in a not so nice voice.) I calmly told her that I made a commitment to my marriage and that I couldn't give up on that yet. She then went on to tell me that I pressured her too far now, that she is done, and that she wants a divorce.

I then saw her at the house when she came over with her leech friend to get some clothes. She was fuming. Although she was laughing with friend, when she saw me as I went upstairs she told me that it was over and that she was going to a divorce lawyer on Monday.

I expected her to be furious. I didn't expect her to say that she wanted a divorce already, but I can't say that I'm all that surprised. WS FOG.

I know that I must stay the course. I have talked to a couple of counselors and I think that exposing to OM's wife is what has to be done. And ASAP (especially since WW is so fuming mad right now).

I agree that I will wait to expose at work until give the exposure with the wife a few days. I was thinking tsunami technique, but I already have the number for her manager and will do so if need be down the road.

My brain is telling me that I am making the right decision and that I am doing all that I can. It was hard on my heart to hear my wife tell me that it was over becuase I wanted to be in my house and work on my marriage when she had the affair. I know, I know...have to take what she says with a grain of salt right now and stay the course. stay the course.

Scotty

Scotty...

I just had to jump in to tell you how very refreshing it is to see someone come here and follow advice to the letter...Know what it shows? STRENGTH AND INTELLIGENCE...THAT is ATTRACTIVE...Eventually you can bet your wife will notice...Women do NOT dig WIMPS and you are showing very clearly that you are NOT a wimp! For many women, love is very much contingent upon whether or not they respect you, and they do not respect men they can walk all over...You are doing great! I am REALLY proud of how you are handling this...YOU DA MAN!!! Keep it up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. Wondering

Exactamundo! Great job on getting back in your house! You are interfering in her affair, which makes her furious. They almost ALL threaten divorce when you do that, but rarely do they ever follow through. Your marriage is more likely to end up in divorce over an affair than some temporary anger.


May as well get your money's worth out of her current angry disposition and get something out of it! And do not worry about it if the OM is at the house when you go to tell the OMW. You can tell her with him sitting right there if you think you can do it without punching him out. Just be sure and hand her a card with your name and # on it. She will be probably have lots of follow up questions to ask you later. It will also be a good idea to offer to stay in touch with her to help kill this affair.

Great job!

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Philippians 4:13

I'm fairly certain that WW was just spewing rage. She works from 7-5:30 on monday so I don't see her going to get a lawyer. And just thinking about her saying that makes me feel better as she must realize that I'm not going to just cave into her demands (or else she would just have me draw up the paperwork and sign a join petition.) If she does get a lawyer, I'm taking the advice I've read on this site; I won't make it easy for her. We are in a no fault state, but there are ways I can drag it out and there are issues that I can raise and contest.

I don't want to do that, and hope that I won't have to. That being said, I can't facilitate her affair any longer. I have the makings of a plan and I will do all i can to stick to it.

The plan is to tell OMW tomorrow. I would prefer to do it while he is not there. I did try the *67# and it worked like a charm restricting the number. So I will call tomorrow and will expose one way or the other. I had the same thoughts as you Mel, WW is so mad right now that I have interfered with her affair that I might as well go for the jugular.

I will keep informed.

Scotty

The more emotional turmoil she's in when you expose can be directly related to her "fall", when the exposure takes place.

I would second the advice given by others, and go ahead with the workplace exposure ASAP, and do use the tsunami effect, to allow your WW to see the "dirty affair" through the eyes of others.

Regardless of her venom, stay cool, calm and collected, and tell her these steps are being taken because you love her, you respect your vows, and you want to do everything you can to save the marriage.

With all the support you can receive here, you have a better chance than you might think to accomplish that goal.

Best wishes,
SD

I exposed the affair to OMW today. It was hard to be the messenger of that kind of news, but I know that it had to be done. She was obviously shocked, but stated that she has suspected something for a while, and even had confronted him a while back. I gave her my card with my cell phone number if she wanted to call and I left. Has to be hard as she has a newborn and a 2.5 year old.

WW did call (but does not yet know I exposed to OMW). WW seems to have collected herself from yesterday's rage when I moved back in. Her tone was fairly civil and she didn't say anthing about divorce. She did say that she had went out and found a furnished apartment that rents month to month and that she would be moving into said apt on Wednesday. She is staying with the leech friends until then. I told her thta I preferred that she stay in our home, but if that is what she needs to do then I understand. (I won't help her move though). I do feel better about myself in that she is the one who has to move out of our house and that I am not facilitating her affair. Although she is moving out, at least she is still being fair to me with the monetary obligations for our house.

I know that she will be extremely furious when she finds out that I have exposed her affair. It is going to be hard to sit there and take what she is going to spew at me, but I am preparing myself to do just that.

I have no doubt in my mind that WW will continue the affair if OM wants to continue it. She is very deep in the fog. I am fairly certain that WW won't voluntarily leave her job, so if OMW's doesn't make OM leave the job the no contact will not happen any time soon. That said, there may be a policy against what they have done and one of them may be terminated. And depending on what OMW wants to do with her marriage, I hope to have her as an ally if we need to expose to the employers and coworkers.

Well, I mustered up the courage to move back in to my house and to expose the affiar to OMW. All I can do now is work on Plan A and react to what happens now that OMW is in the know.

Q: Do I tell WW that I exposed the affair to OMW or do I just let her find out from the OM?

Scotty

You are doing all you can do. NOOOO do not tell your WW that you exposed to OMW. Let that ahole tell her if he wants to. The OM just may now decide that this is not at all what he wanted and may try and save his M and if not his little fantasy world has certainly come to an end. He now has to think about alimony, child support, humiliation, possibly losing a job, etc. No more sneaking around and getting a little on the side for this idiot. I hope his wife rips him a new one.

Keep up the good work. By the way your WW will be peeved about this but you knew it already. Stay calm, don't LB, DJ and talk only about doing what's best for your M and family and leave it alone. Don't get sucked into a discussion, argument or fight with her. You only talk M. If she wants to fight, argue, talk D then she can call your attorney or her boyfriend

Scotty, good job! Like hopeandpray said, just wait for her to find out from boy wonder. Your W can't get mad about this, though, because supposedly he already told his wife, right? Its not your fault he hadn't told her!

What about her parents? Have you exposed to them yet? Do you think they would be a source of support in saving your marriage?

It will put great pressure on your W to have to move out of her safe and secure home. This will cause huge conflict in the affair and make her very uncomfortable. Women do not like giving up their nice comfortable homes.

Hang in there, you are doing great!