Scotty,

Can life get any worse then it is today??? If she gets fired or mad or walks away, how does that make it worse??? Living like you are is not a life. I know for sure. You will have to make a move one way or another. Either you fight for your M or you give up. Damn her for putting you in this sitch, but you are here - this is your life. What are you going to do for Scott???

your choice man,
best wishes
M2L

Scotty...

As BobPure often asks here...

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE NOT AFRAID?

Mrs. W

If your marriage is the most important thing to you, EXPOSE TODAY! I exposed WW to her boss (among other people) on Friday, and my WW stopped talking to OM on Wednesday. Isn't that what you want?

- Jim

Scotty,

You will figure out the financial security matter. I can promise you that divorcing her or vice versa will cost more than the other option. Secondly, if it comes to divorce your relationship with her family is caput anyway. Unless they are like my parents and a few other rare ones they will side with their daughter no matter what she's done. She could be marrying a freakin axe murderer and it wouldn't matter as long as little daughter "feels good" , "is happy". Most people don't have what it takes to do the right thing.

Expose at work now. It sat on my letter to wife's "immoral workplace (idiots having affairs in every corner)" after at least two weeeks deliberation and looking back I wished I would have done it sooner and IN PERSON (I know some will disagree with me here) and require that the OM and my WW be present in front of the HR director (this is probably to the extreme but remember I have 20/20 vision now that I didn't have then). In any case a well written letter detailing the situation, speaking of the love for your wife and marriage and reminding the company of potential issues for them as a result of matters like this.

Yes, your WW will be madder than hades but as Steve Harley said marriages can overcome anger but not three people in the relationship. Breaking up the affair is essential to having a chance. You have to get the addicts off the cocaine in order for some reality and sanity to creep back into their minds. Do it!!

My WW had her affair with a real estate agent, and my biggest regret to this day was NOT EXPOSING him to his boss. He would have lost his license. I didn't expose to WW's family either, and the result was an extremely long withdrawal, because no one else was putting pressure on my W to come to her senses, and return to the marriage.

Of all the things I would change in how and what I did, it would have been wider exposure. In my case, the OM got off scott free. Still burns my a$$! He was single and had no SO to expose to, so his employer would have been the way to go. I didn't find MB and these forums until 4 months after D-day, but, boy I wish I had.

I know it's tough to even consider, but YOU will be the biggest recipient of positive results in the long run, even if you can't grasp that now.

Best Wishes,
SD

Just want to let you all know that I am hearing your advice and it is getting through my rather thick skull. Also wanted to let you know where I currently stand.

OM told WW today that he wants her to go to a counsleing session (wherein he will offically call of the affair.) I acknowledge that this may be some elaborate plan that OM and WW have concocted so that the OMW believes that OM has indeed called it off. But I heard from my MIL today and WW told her about it. Don't think she would have done that if it was premeditated. WW also came by the house early this evening to pick up her mail and to get some of the food we bought at Costco on D-Day.

WW was very cold to me (only stayed about 10-15 mins). She had told me this AM that she was planning on stopping by after work to pick up her mail and see the dog. I left work a couple hours early so that I could come home and get the house really clean as that is something that has always been important to WW. She did acknowledge when she came in that I was doing a good job at keeping the house clean.

WW went on to complain about her apartment, specifically stating that it was a [censored] and that it was costing her a lot of money considering that she is still paying for our house. I simply stated that she is welcome to come home at any time, to which she made some snide remark and walked off.

Anyway, getting back on subject, here is my tentative plan. I am going to see an IC tomorrow to run everything by him. I tried calling the HR department at the hospital to see what their policy was for coworkers having an affair. I was told that I would have to speak to the director of the HR department and that she was out until Monday morning. I will call on Monday morning and find out what that policy is. If the hospital will not do anything, then that may well influence my decision.

I also have planned to wait until after her cousneling session with OM that is supposed to take place on Tuesday. If he indeed calls it off she may decide to voluntarily leave. Doubtful, I know, but possible.

I understand that every day that I wait decreases the effectivness of the exposure. I have decided to wait until mid-next week; give myself the chance to find out what the hospital HR policy is and give WW (or possibly the OM) the opportunity to voluntarily leave thier job). I have waited long enough now that I can't fathom another 5 days making or breaking my marriage.

Scotty

Scotty, the purpose of exposure at work is not to force them to take action. That often does not happen. The purpose of workplace exposure is to put pressure on the affair at work. The affair is no longer any fun when the secret is out. So, it matters not a whit if they "take action" or not. They will probably call them in and ask them to cool it at work. That is a sufficient result.

Howver, in this case, the affairees are so terrified of workplace exposure that it tells me there will be some fallout. Of course, as long as the workplace DOES NOT KNOW, they are free to carry on their affair from work. If the workplace knows, they are NOT because they would be under a microscope.

Another reason they need to know about the affair and have it on record is so that they can protect themselves legally. Workplace affairs leave a company very vulnerable to sexual harrassment/discrimination suits. If they know of the affair, they can take steps to protect themselves.

Secondly, if you feel you really need counseling, try and find one who is PRO-MARRIAGE. Most are NOT and will simply steer you towards facilitating an AMICABLE DIVORCE. Most counselors, IMO, are useless and cause more harm than good.

I went and had a counseling session this morning. I was pleased to hear him state early in the session that he is a pro marriage. I explained the history between WW and myself, from the beggining to D-Day and the mistakes that I made and the steps that I have taken since. I told him that I have done a lot of work to educate myself in affairs and that I am getting advice on the marriage builders website from those who have gone through this themselves and have helped countless others through it as well. The counselor had Surving an Affair in his bookcase.

It was reassuring to hear that the counselor confirmed that all the adivce that I have been given here is sound and that I am taking the steps that I need to take in order to save my marriage. We also discussed some of the ramifications of WW's eating disorder and potential alcoholism.

As for the letter to the work, the counselor agreed that shedding the most light on the affair was the best approach. The counselor stated what I already know in that WW's employer will not likely be terminating either one of them (especially WW). There is just too much potential for the hospital exposing itself to liability for a wrongful termination or discrimination lawsuit. But exposing to her work does shed more light on the affair and will make it that much more difficult for them to continue it. WW may be so humilated that she decideds to leave.

Counselor agreed that it would be best to wait until after WW has gone to the counsleing session with OM wherein OM is going to formally and officially break it off. Let her hear that from him and then get the letter to her work right after that and hit her all at once with it.

Counselor advised that I be careful how I word the letter. He advised that I not have it on my legal letterhead and not to use my title in the letter, but send it as a concerned husband who is trying to save his marriage. I agree and had planned on doing that prior to him bringing that up.

He did acknowledge that there is risk in sending the letter as WW will be very angry and may decide to proceed with the divorce. I think that is a strong possibility, but I also know that I can contest the divorce, try to drag it out to buy some time where hopefully she comes out of the fog (which the counselor calls the imperfect storm).

Speaking of fog. Last night, the fog in our city was really thick. I had went out to eat dinner with my parents. On the way home, the fog was so thick that my mom had to drive about 15 miles per hour and really focus on the center line. So we turn onto a street and start going up the hill to their house, and all of the sudden, it just cleared, vision was good, everything could be seen. My Mom looks over and says, "so that is what WW is facing right now." It was pretty amazing really. I believe that it was God telling me not to give up hope yet.

So I press on. I have a plan and will do my best to stay the course. I know that I will make mistakes, and I know that it won't be easy, but I'll keep coming here to get advice. I'll continue to take it one day at a time and really try to work on me. I've been using the treadmill and my weightbench, and I'm going to try to eat healthy (for the most part. Have to indulge now and again).

Thanks for the support.

Scotty

Mel,

Just read your post. I agree with everything (so did the counselor I went to, who IS pro-marriage. There were a few minor things that he said that I hadn't really thought about but mostly just reinforced all of the reading I have done and all of the advice that I have receieved here. And it was reassuring to hear that.

Thanks for sticking with me.

Scott

Scott, I am THRILLED that you found a pro-marriage counselor who understands infidility! Is somebody looking out for you upstairs? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You are doing just great. Just hang in there and keep in contact for support. Good job, friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Scotty,

U R doing good. Glad to hear you have such good support. Your mom, MC and the rest of your support group show you are moving forward with a clear mind and calm heart.

I can't imagine what a counseling session with an OM and WS w/b like? What kind of counselor would see them together? That is bizzare. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

As for the letter, send it raising questions. Ask for info and let them know you are 'wondering' what their policy is because it is an issue you are being FORCED to deal with in your home and the WORKPLACE is the primary cause. Hm.... that will perk up any HR director. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Show the letter to your MC before you send it.

JMHO,
L.

I can't say that I have much of a clear mind, and my heart is not calm. I have my good hours and my bad hours. At times I go into panic type attacks where my heart seems to be beating out of my chest and I find myself short of breath.

Not having WW at home makes doing plan A work hard. (I know that I still have things to do though, and am going to hit the treadmill after I post this.) I haven't heard much at all from her in the last week. Saw her for 10 mins two nights ago, and as stated above she was really cold to me.

Just struggling with not being able to talk to her and not knowing how she is doing. And really struggling with knowing that she doesn't want to have anything to do with me right now.

Scotty

She doesn't want to see you because
1. She already has a boyfriend, the OM.
2. She doesn't want to see you because you remind her of the immoral, selfish, entitled, ****** she has become.

Simple as that.

And...

3. It's YOUR fault that she's in that sh***y apartment!


Something else that you may notice very soon is the rewriting of "Marital History". As an example, take any generic good marital memory that you have. Imagine any way in which it could be twisted to make the WS the "victim" and you the brutish "abuser". This is also a typical method the WS uses to alleviate their guilt.

Don't fall for this line of bull. Steel yourself for it!

Stay Strong!

Well,

I just heard from my MIL that WW refused to go to the counseling session with OM so OM set up a meeting with her last night. Apparently, OM told WW that it was over, that he loved his wife, etc. etc.

WW told MIL that she is disgusted with him and that he made her feel used. WW said she has hit rock bottom (although from what I've read it's going to get worse before it starts getting any better).

OM also apparently told WW that he is going to be looking for another job. I did tell OMW about this site when we talked a week ago and told her about Surviving an Affair. Maybe she has done some reading and research and realizes that absolutely no contact is the only way.

If that is the case, then I'm thinking that it would be better for me to hold off on writing any letter to their work just yet.

I belive it was Melody who initially suggested that I wait to expose to work as the exposure to the OMW might kill the affair on it's own. From what I am hearing, the affair is done. If he is looking for a new job, then it seems to me that any benefit of writing the letter would be greatly outweighed by WW's reaction to it.

OMW told me that she would let me know what happend with the counseling session. I hope that she will give me a call today and reaffirm what I have heard.

Scotty

Scotty,

It seems to be good news about the OM. SEEMS, but you need to find out for yourself. Call OMW and talk to her about her H finding a new job.

WW telling MIL that she fells used is pretty normal for a WW. They "love" the OM and OM just wants action IMO. If your wife hit rock bottom then this is where your become her lighthouse - she just doesn't know it yet and it will take a while for her to see it.

Hold off on the letter/phone call to work for now. Talk to OMW first.

I may be way off on this post - others???
M2L

Scotty, just know that all this talk of him leaving is meaningless. You cannot believe a word that they say. You must rely upon ACTIONS. As long as they work together, you can consider the affair ONGOING.

So, be prepared to expose at work if you have to.

p.s. if your W is hitting bottom, look for opportunities to help her with this and position yourself as an attractive safe landing.

I agree that I can't believe what they are saying. I agree that actions will speak for themselves. That said, wouldn't it be wise to hold of on exposing for now and see if his actions (finding a new job) corroborate what he is saying.

How do I go about positiong myself to be her lighthouse, her attractive safe landing? She isn't communicating with me. I worry that calling her will make me look desperate. I don't want to give her that impression.

Scotty, I would give it a week and see if he leaves. If he says he is "looking" first, then that should be your signal that he is buying time to prolong the affair. Saying he is going to leave is meaningless, the only thing that has any meaning is an actual departure.

I agree that you don't want to call her. But when she does call, just be as pleasant and inviting as possible. She will start to come back around.