Longhorn,

I was told matter of factly by the HR director that for privacy reasons they will take no formal action based on my exposure. The pharmacy director will be informed, but still cannot take any action on it.

Will they actually do something? I don't know, but I don't think that I can afford to assume that they will.

I won't be telling OM and WW what I am going to do. I would be merely informing them of what I have already done as it is likely they would be none the wiser if I didn't.

Other thoughts?

Scotty

Scotty, that's good enough. Quit trying to find the exact, perfect language to use because you'll never find ALL the right words...and what you think is perfect later tonight won't be tomorrow afternoon.

Now send it. Print it out, sign it, and take it to the Post Office and mail it. I'd send it registered mail. I love having documentation...

Scotty, just do it.

Scotty,

mail the letter, don't tell WW or OM right now. You say the hospital told you that THEY won't do much with it. So, give it a few days and see if the hospital does tell OM or your wife. You will know if they do. This way you will see the way the hospital played their hand a little.

M2L

Pardner, you're the lawyer, but I find the HR's statement to be somewhat odd. I would think a good attorney could make a REAL good case the hospital's policy regarding "privacy" has resulted in the intentional infliction of emotional distress on you. What? The hospital promotes the right to private adulteries? Imagine how that would look in the headlines, huh, Mr. HR?

Like I say, you're the lawyer, not me...but I do note in today's litigious climate, you can probably sue if you don’t like the HR’s mustache. I don’t know your specialty, but you might take that “policy” to one of your colleagues to see what might be accomplished…or just suggested to the HR you might do someday.

Even if they don’t do something formal, that doesn’t mean OM and WW won’t be called in and counseled…and the fact is, the boss knowing about their adultery will place pressure on the adultery by itself. Adultery thrives only in the darkness.

As for other thoughts, how about exposure to the professional associations your WW belongs to? Also, I don’t know if you have a pastor or other church leader you can talk to, but exposure at church can cause heavy strain on an adultery. More pressure = good stuff.

That's a good point M2L. I could certainly wait to give OM and WW a copy of the letter and see what the hospital does. But note that the letter is dated. I suppose I could remove the date of the letter.

Additionally, WW is scheduled to come over to the house this weekend to do some prep work for the house going up for sale. I would rather not have a good couple of hours with her and then have her subsequently explode at me after me giving her the letter.

What does everybody else think?

Scotty

I think you should...

1. Send the letter as-is, via registered mail or courier or whatever. You want that letter signed for and on the record tomorrow before lunch. Maybe copy their legal department?

2. Hint around about potential litigation to spur the hospital to take some kind of action.

3. Don't breathe a word of this to OM, OMW, WW, or anyone else. Don't show them a copy of the letter. Operational security, remember? If HR or WW's boss says anything to her, you'll hear about it.

4. Stop being afraid of WW getting p1$$ed off at you.

Ok, just to clear the record here. For a number of reasons, I will not give any indication to the hospital whatsoever that I am considering any type of legal action. Nor am I going to warn them of any potential liability that they may be exposed to. The hospital has its own, expensive, and very competent lawyers. I will not jeopardize my professional reputation or the reputation of my firm.

I know that some may disagree with that approach, but I am unwilling to do so.

bitbucket, operational security? I don't understand. Can you expand on that. I'm getting mixed advice as to whether OM and WW should be notified that the letter HAS been sent.

If I am going to do that, I want to do it now rather than have WW start getting friendly with me and then lose any ground that I make by having this information being shed to light. Again, WW is set to come to our house on Saturday. She won't if I give her this letter, but giving her the letter seems to be the only way to acheive the purpose of the exposure (assuming that HR isn't going to do my dirty work for me) I am wrong here?

I want to write a short, handwritten letter to WW telling her why I did what I did and attaching it to the copy of the letter that I am leaving for her. That way, my words can be carefully chosen and I will be less inclined to say something I shouldn't if she does indeed call. I plan on using Mrs. Wonderings words, basically saying that I have done this because I love her and cherish her, that she is that important to me, and that I will do whatever it takes to save my marriage and keep the commitment that I made to her when we married.

Scotty

Scotty,

Just me, I would NOT give them a copy of the letter.

IF ASKED, I would tell WW them that I had a meeting with the Head of HR at the Hospital. And that he would be speaking to the head of Pharmacy. DO NOT GIVE DETAILS.

Now, after this exposure, you now have the rare priliage of enjoying WS/OP soup.

The exposure starts the simmering, soon the simmering becomes a roiling boil. The Boil eventlly builds up pressure and the pressure blows the lid of the pot and empties the pot. The soup is now done.

So too is the hope of carrying on the affair in the workplace. It seems that affairs are not as much fun when everyone knows about the adultry (who knew???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ).

Stay Strong!

WTF, so you would advise to sit back and wait to see if the hospital takes any action?

Am I reading your post right in that I should go ahead and wait what could amount to months for the soup to cook, and the possibility that the burner was never actually turned on?

This is obviously a lot easier on me as I in all liklihood am not portrayed as the bad guy (unless the hospital takes action and I am asked by WW whether I had anything to do with it. I would tell her that I did talk to HR and wrote a letter.)

But isn't there too great of chance that nothing is done. According to HR, who seemed to be straight with me, nothing will be done unless there is no tangible difference in their work performance. My wife has been having an affair and has been abusing alcohol for the last two years. Certainly the level of supervison may be greater but if there was going to be a noticable performance issue in her work I would think it would have reared its ugly head by now. But maybe that is not the case when she starts to go through withdrawal (assuming the affair is over, which I do believe it is).

Good luck, Scotty.

Scotty, I would suggest taking that letter, AS IS, to the post office and getting it mailed off. This is being so beat to death I wonder if you know if you are coming or going. Just do it, friend!

I think your best strategy is to NOT give them a copy of the letter, but to call the OMW - LATER - and inform her that you have met with HR and the direct supervisors have been notified of the affair. Be very vague and simply tell her you informed them of the facts and they advised they were looking into it. LEAVE IT AT THAT.

Prepare to hear from your WW shortly afterwards and have talking points prepared.

Just do it, Scotty!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The hospitals actions are honestly not that important for us at this point. The hospitals are in CYA mode. At most they may state that a concern has been raised.

The "heat" for the soup is actally the friction that will be generated by WW / OP as they wait for whatever actions the hospital may take.

It will NOT be a period of months. The friction will start right away after they know that you have spoken to the head of HR.

All you need to do is tell OMW that you spoke to the head of HR at the hospital. OMW will tell her WH. Do not give details. You said that you would inform her if you did this and you are. Again do not give details.

Rest assured that word WILL get to your WW. It may take a bit but word WILL get to her. Have you EVER head of a workplace without a roumer mill?

The affiar may well be over, for now. As long as they work together there is an ever increasing chance they will get back together.

I'm hoping this is the Coup de' grace.

I'm out of time for posing tonight. I'll check back in the morning.

Stay Strong!

Mel, I decided that I was going to send the letter when I told the HR director that I would be sending it. The letter has been sent, certified, return receipt requested. Okay, so it is also your advice to only tell the OMW and let WW find out through OM. It seems valid to me, but I'm struggling with the decsion to give WW a copy of the letter myself. She is going to find out and unleash ****** anyway, why wait. Is the reason to show that they are still having contact. I guess I wouldn't be surprised that OM would tell WW about my contact HR even if he has truly decided to end the affair.

Walkingthefield, I just wondered how OM and or WW would learn that I talked to HR. I see that you also reccomend just telling OMW and letting WW find out through other man.

I'm just trying to sort out the two options. Thanks for all the advice.

Scotty

Melody,

I did tell OMW that I would let her know before I decided to go ahead with the letter. I haven't done that, but planned on doing it tomorrow. I don't have to tell her that I sent a letter; telling her I talked to the head of HR will be sufficient.

I guess I would just like to know what your thinking is with waiting to tell OMW Later.

Thanks
Scotty

Scotty,

I am going to tell you what will happen. Been there done that...The hospital will cover their butt, period. (in my case they were complicit in the affair and environment and I am going to pucker their butt up soon, of course how can you confront someone when half the staff is having affairs at the hospital). But, the HR Director will talk with the Pharmacy Director who will likely be instructed to speak with each of them (or he will assign a subordinate to do it). He will ask them whether or not they are involved with one another. They will either say yes or no. If no, then he will share your letter to them and allow them to read it. They will either come clean (tears, fear, embarassment, etc) or your WW will paint you (this happened in my case) as the jealous, out of control husband who is mad that she's divorcing you. They will likely believe her or they may not, depends on how convincing she is. Either way she will come home madder than you have ever seen her. She will be spewing venom and if looks could kill, you'd be dead. Tell her that you are only concerned about your marriage and that there is no room for the OM or further contact of any sort if you are to reconcile and that you understand that she's mad and her feelings are valid and then walk away. She may threaten divorce. She will tell you that the hospital didn't believe you (in my case she told me "they think you are looney and are worried for my safety", I can't wait to see their faces in about two weeks)
or that you have ruined everything and that she had thought about working things out but not now. ALl fog and crap. Your M stands no chance anyway without breaking up the affair, NONE. The addiction is too strong and her feelings for you will not come back leaving her to believe that she doesn't love you and that she should leave you.

You did the right thing. Get ready for the storm

Scotty, the only reason I would suggest waiting is so that your letter has a chance to get there and have its impact without any interference. I don't want to give them any opportunity to PRE-EMPT you. The OM and your WW have a strong motivation to make you out to be a nutjob but the chances that they will be successful are much less if your letter gets there first.

I think you would be increasing the odds of pre-emption if you tell the OMW, who will in turn tell the OM, who will in turn tell your WW.

So, I think the best strategy will be to let the letter arrive and make its impact and THEN tell the OMW next week sometime that you have informed HR. There is no need for her to know BEFOREHAND, therefore no need for you to take an uneccessary risk.

I see what you are thinking Mel. They should have the letter tomorrow. I told the HR director everything in the letter already, so I have already spoken my piece without any premption.

Truth be told, I would prefer that WW found out before this weekend so she can deal with this anger before we get together for a length of time.

Would I lose any respect with WW by not being the one to tell her that I talked to HR?

For what its worth, if you called my company [current or former] and reported a workplace affair, HR would take your information ONLY and then quietly take action.

But they would tell you NOTHING because they are not allowed to discuss any potential or actual disciplinary action or termination with anyone other than authorized personnel and the employee. Even when an employee is led off the premises, ESCORTED BY SECURITY GUARDS, no one will ever KNOW how or why. EVER.

I presume other companies are the same. They never discuss this stuff for fear of legal action. And in my present and former company, the employee is often fired.

You are correct Mel. This is how things are normally handled. I think reaction varies from company to company and a lot depends on the character, principles, values of the lead managers and staff. If half of them (As was and is the case in my sitch) are having or have had affairs in the workplace of their own then chances are they are going to bury their heads in the sand and try and ignore it for fear they will be called out themselves.

But in other companies (my brother's bank recently had one of these) there is swift action aimed geared towards the poor environment and atmosphere created by a workplace affair and one or the other is usually reassinged or let go for some reason or another at some point shortly thereafter.

Scotty, to put it bluntly, your WW hasn't been respecting you for a while now...Her actions make that quite clear...I honestly think it matters not how your WW finds out, just that she does find out-and she will-Btw, you eventually DO want her to know that you were responsible, as that does NOT make you the "bad guy" as you have stated...On the contrary, it makes you the hero in the end...Seriously, listen to ML on this and wait, her advice is more than sound...

Mrs. W