I know this sounds callous, but if you think in your gut you cannot continue in this M, let the PI do the work. A judge can order an investigation to determine custody if there is some reason to not appoint joint custody or if one of the parties does not agree to joint custody.

Would your W be embarrassed to have infor about this act at the hotel to be discussed in court or to know that your lawyer might bring it up?

http://www.leg.state.nv.us/NRS/NRS-125.html#NRS125Sec480

I don't know anything about Nevada law. I have known of investigations that judges request and I think it is possible that a judge would frown on this hotel behavior.

Also, you have not hired the PI. You are blameless in this. You are the victim.

When I scanned this site that I pasted in above, I noticed lots of discussion about "domestic violence" toward the children. Still, be very careful. I do not think you should do anything with your wife's possessions.

I live in NYS so I do not know about Nevada.

Take Care,
Lake

My H has done custody investigations in NYS. It's unlikely that this one act would sway in and of itself.

However, your measured behavior throughout this whole process of EAs, etc. is demonstrable of responsible parenting behaviors.

The fact of catching them in the act adds more bargaining power about the divorce from a legal standpoint (attorneys bargaining with each other on their clients' behalfs.)ie your attorney may be able to say--give up joint custody and we will not use the hotel evidence.

Also, the evidence from a PI will make it so that it is not a "he said she said" situation in this particular set of interactions (her interest in OM neighbor) for a court appointed custody investigator. The custody investigator is concerned about "best interest of the child". This evidence would be meaningful in its indication that your WW has other things on her mind than your children's welfare. The custody investigator would look at the whole picture of which this act is one small part.

My H does say that he was never involved as a court appointed investigator when one lawyer was in the cat bird's seat. He was only asked to do an investigation when the judge was in a quandry because neither party had a strong case (ie, he was never asked to investigate when one party had committed adultry and PI evidence was available.)

In other words, this really could help you, especially if it is something that she would be embarrassed about having dragged out in court.
Lake

Normalguy,

I just wanted to let you know that I'm so sorry. You and your family are in my prayers.

My .02 is to coordinate it with the OM's wife; if she wants to go, let her go with a PI as witness. Then, while she stands outside the door of the room with the PI, you call the room, and whichever one answers, tell them to look outside the door.

Even if they meet again, they will NEVER feel safe.

Above all, stay calm.

Neak, that is a great idea. I was leaning towards putting a note that says GOTCHA on the door !!!!

NTL - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If you don't know the room #, you can call their cells, or if they don't answer, text them.

Picture them, if they meet again, having to check in the closet, under the bed, behind the bathroom door, and then flipping a coin to see who has to be the first one to open the door when they leave, for fear that maybe it is a whole camera crew this time.

It really takes it across the "fun sneaky" line to horrifying and ultra-sleazy.

Well guys I'm in plan A+ to the end. Last night went out on a date with her and had a great time. Today I just took the whole family to the movies (including W). Had a great time at the park with the kids today. Offered W a backrub when we got home (refused). Asked her if everything was ok and she said yes. Now playing games with the kids downstairs and she's watching soaps. Told her if she needed anything to just let me know.

Tomorrow morning since she says this day is to "think" about whether she wants to be married to me, I'll tell her that this marriage can work if we both try and that I'm willing to do whatever it takes but I don't plan to tell her I know.

If she still leaves, I plan to let her and then the disaster will happen. I don't want to let them actually "do the deed" though. I'll figure out what to do after she leaves the house tomorrow.

Plan A+++ for now.

Oh, the movie we saw: "Flushed Away"....

Wait, I don't get it. You know she has plans with the OM on Sunday. You went and had a 'nice time' with her today. R U really ok with this? You think that is what plan A is about? Helping the WS have a good time? Hm......

If it were me, I'd be doing a plan A....FOR ME NOT the WS. I'd make sure the WS was miserable but my spouse knew that a great time w/b had IF the WS was NOT around.

She is still going away to THINK?!?!?!? With or without her clothes on? U buying that line of babble? If it were me I'd make sure a lot of deliveries were made to her hotel. One every hour just to make sure their 'day' was kept busy with interruptions i.e. pizza delivery, singing telegrams, chinese take out delivery, room service - one dish at a time, find any supporters willing to pop down to the hotel and walk the hallways. etc.). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Instead of plan A+++ you ought t/b planning a mega plan B. Think about it. Anything less would tell all involved that what?!?!??! She can be nice one day and a WS drama queen the next and it is alright with you because you will 'cherish' that one day?!?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

Orchid, plan A is supposed to end with the WS feeling like you're a "really nice guy" right? Since I have to wait this out one more day anyway, I'm showing her today what she's going to lose tomorrow. If this all goes down how I think it will, it is going to be the mother of all plan B shocks.

This is NOT a day I will cherish. This is the hardest day of my LIFE. This probably the "grand finale" to my plan A. Does it make sense now?

Maybe she'll change her mind about going through with it after today; we were all just playing games and having a ball and her attitude has changed drastically. Don't know what is going on in her mind right now. However, I consider the betrayal as having already happened. I really don't know what is going to happen to our M but there has been exposure already, I've already been betrayed for the 3rd time and don't know if I'll ever trust her again.

Does it make sense now Orchid? I'm doing my best here. Did you read all the posts today?

Tomorrow morning when/as she leaves I'll have to decide whether to tell her that I know what she's doing. Dunno... This is very very tough. OMW wants proof. I might want my M back some day but how could I ever trust her again?

Please keep the thoughts coming. Orchid, what do you think now that I've explained the situation further?

This morning I was thinking D all the way but one thing I realize now is that a future reconciliation would be easier if I bust this before it happens. (Of course they probably have already anyway...)

Can't you just let them get to the hotel room, then call them or knock on the door? I mean, nothing can be done in "no time flat" Just an idea. What kind of proof does OMW want?

NG,

As strong as my post was, I really feel for what you are going through and that is why I wrote it the way I did. Yes, I did read your posts. What I don't want to see is you suffering needlessly.

Here's where I think you may have faltered a bit. Plan A..... it's about u making improvement on you and for you. Whether your W or WS sees it is immaterial. Why? Because you can't control a WS. That's a fact. Does that mean plan is useless around a WS? No, not if plan A is for you and your family. See the difference?

If the WS makes some comments about your improvements, it c/b quickly followed up by doubts you mean to make them permanent. That is hurtful to a sincere BS and family. Still it is what babbles out of the mouth of the WS.

So my point is more in line with Plan A your spouse but plan B the Ws.

I understand you wanted your W to enjoy her family. Unfortunately that is NOT how most WS' learn. Still I understand you need to try.

What a WS does react to is when the family starts moving away from their control. That's the key. Control. The very thing the WS often accuses the BS of doing (aka: control), is the very thing the WS attempts t/d.

This is a vital piece of info. Use it wisely.

I know you love your W but sharing that love to a WS is hurtful to you. As much as you liked your feelings today, when she reverts to the Ws, you will fee betrayed and wasted. Then that roller coaster will ride again and the steps forward will not feel the same.

I was trying to prevent you from being hurt further. Instead of being happy at what appears to be progress, pray for a clear mind, calm heart. Know your boundaries and stand firm by them. These boundaries are few in number but pack a powerful punch. Keep the dignity of the family foremost. Secure your finances.

What you can let her know that while you want your wife back, you and your family do NOT welcome the WS in your home.

I did that with mine. In fact, after I changed the locks (yea, he wanted to move out and I couldn't stop him) I was able to spin it so that he had to become our H and father and check his WS attitude out on the curb before I would let him step foot in OUR house. Legally he had a right to be in our home but morally he lost that right and that was one of my personal boundaries. Both my son and I realized we deserved to be treated good and a WS can't do that, so the WS was NOT welcomed in our home.

My lesson came at a high price but I would do it all over again. In fact, to this day I carry plan B in my back pocket. I have had opportunity to use it on occasion and my H knows it can be implemented at any time. Of course I do not abuse that right, just use it as needed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hope you and OM's W can work out a plan. I still think sending someone to call or deliver stuff all day or all night long w/b a great diversion. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Ok, thanks for the checkup. Everything I did today I was going to do with or without her; she just chose to come along. Point is I'm not moping today; I'm living. She has her freedom to chose and she's going to regret it tomorrow if she does (looks like she will).

I don't know exactly how its going to happen tomorrow but I do not want to let it actually happen. I don't know where they're going though; the OMWs PI better not lose them

Ok, but throwing a monkey wrench into the A is ok. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JMHO,
L.

I thought all night about this. There will be no plea to her in the morning. If the PI loses her I'll call her on the cell and blow it open. Otherwise I'll see if I can let OMW get her evidence before anything happens.

I don't think I can continue in this M. I feel for my kids but I will just have to devote my life to them from here on and try to make their lives as good as I can.

Its just too much.

Don't make any decisions about the marriage right now. Plan A usually doesn't bring them back - it often takes Plan B. Have you ever called the Harleys?

Be prepared for lots of lies and excuses. She may say that she was doing this because she found out you were still spying on her, and it was all just a set up. We've heard that one before.

Previously, was your wife a good wife? It looks like she got married and had children very young, and maybe she is trying to relive those early years.

Surely any PI worth his/her salt will not lose them - I wouldn't worry about it. They have NO CLUE that anyone is onto them, so they won't be on guard enough to notice, much less dodge the PI.

Yup we've been in counselling with the Harelys. Have another appointment tomorrow in fact. She's just playing me. Even today she said "just as I was getting comfortable with you again you start getting upset". The slightest slip is used to fuel this affair in her mind.

That's just so typical. They try to pick fights so they can justify their sleazy behavior in their own minds.