I think we are starting the pattern of where we were before I exposed. We are sitting in the living room together watching TV, and I asked her to see Borat the movie with me tonight if she had no other plans. She agreed. It is just so hot and cold with her. I think if I stop pressing her, I will continue to make love bank deposits. I think I need to focus on getting her work to kill the affair, so I don't have to play that role anymore that leads to the conflict. I'm going to church with her coworker tonight (who is tight with her boss) to see what I can do. I will also pursue legal options. I see some hope.

- Jim

Ok Jim...Take a deep breath and try to calm down-I know, easier said than done...Remember, we already knew she was foggy, now she is just foggy and angry...Her anger will pass...Exposure has interfered with the La La land of her affair, and just like a crack addict would be angry if you took away their crack pipe, she is angry with a capital "A" right now...This is the EXACT reaction that is expected from an infidel when exposure occurs...Don't sweat it, it's what is supposed to happen!

As far as the company "forcing" her to end the affair goes...Hmmm...I don't think that will happen-they no longer work at the same company, right? Hey, it would be GREAT if they did fire her for infidelity, but don't expect it...

Remember also that YOU can't force anyone to do anything, the only person that you can control is you...Right now, you must learn to accept uncertainty regarding her, but live with certainty regarding yourself...YOU will be okay, no matter what happens...REALLY...

As far as legal action is concerned, there really is not much if anything that you can do...I asked Mr. W, who is an attorney...Yes, technically you can sue anyone for anything, but that does NOT mean you will win...Really if you have extra money it would be MUCH better spent calling one of the Harleys for a plan, rather than throwing it away on some trumped up lawsuit...

Have you called back and spoken directly to OM's parents? Let them know the score, INCLUDING what their son said to you when you called him...To me, THAT would be something useful...Again, doing something like that may just prove to OM that your WW really isn't worth all the headache...

Mrs. W

P.S. And YES, start Plan Aing your butt off!!!

You are a smart man, Jim. Sounds like a great idea to go out together and have some fun.

Every moment you are together you have a chance to make deposits in her LB.

~ Marsh

Jim...

Please read this thread for newly betrayed spouses started by Longhorn and contributed to by my husband, Mr. Wondering, and others...It has some GREAT information on it... Here it is!

Mrs. W

How do I proceed with this? Every time I press NC I get the foggy WW, but everytime I don't mention it we spend quality time together. How should I proceed? I know I need to end the affair, but I know that I need to reconnect with her as well. We actually had some fun this weekend and we actually talk a lot when we are home together. I just feel like I can't win.

- Jim

More good news. I talked to her superior (not her official boss, but still someone with some power) at work (who is a devout Catholic) who lives across the street, and she informed me that she will pressure WW to end the affair. I let her know that the affair started while the two of them still worked together. She will really be pissed at me come Monday morning.

I also am reporting that she seems really depressed right now. She isn't calling Phil, she's just sitting on the couch eating, watching TV, and drinking alcohol. We still plan on going to a movie after I go to church with her coworker. It seems like the fog has lifted her right now.

One other thing that I did note. The one argument that I used that REALLY got to her was asking what she thought her mother thought of her right now. Just last Nov, we stayed with her mother for her last month (she died of brain tumor, it was horrible to watch), and the last thing I told her mother before she slipped into unconsciousness was that I would always take care of her daughter. I reminded WW of that. She started crying and saying that I couldn't say that to her. It was wrong and it crossed the line. I have used this argument twice with the same affect. My question is do I bring this up again and when and how?

Jim, this is the first time you have mentioned anything related to faith in Christ. Perhaps you could share a little about how faith in Christ is a part of your life and your wife's life. What I'd like to know is whether or not your wife considers herself a Christian and whether or not you consider yourself a Christian. The reason is simple. God is "Foursquare" against adultery and for Christians, God's "opinion" trumps any personal desire to sin and for married persons God is "black and white" on the issue.

By the way, if it helps at all, know that many of us have been in the situation where the WS made statements and/or plans to divorce while they were deep in the fog of the affair and many of those marriages, including my own, were saved and recovered, or are still recovering.

God bless.

Not likely to happen, Jim. The OM no longer works there and what she does "on her own time" is not a concern of theirs. It will also be seen as her as being manipulative and mean, so just be ready for a lot of anger from her as her "defensive shields" go up and she lashes out at you for being the "bad guy," despite the FACT that she is the adulteress and her actions are resulting in consequences she doesn't like.

Do NOT respond with anger, just let her know that you love her and despite what she is doing you will NOT divorce her and will continue to do what you can to regain her love for you.

God bless.

Jim,

I wouldn't bring the A up to your WW. I would try to enjoy spending time together w/ her for as long as she allows it. BUT if she calls him in front of you, I'd let her know how wrong you think it is and turn up the radio as Mel suggested doing.

I'd also place a follow up conversation to OM's parents as Mrs. W. suggested.

~ Marsh

Update:

I got takeout and we are watching a DVD together. Things are calm between us even though she still had to point out that we were still getting a divorce. I told her about the homily in church about a guy who told his priest that he knew that God loved him because of the wife he blessed him with. Told my wife that I knew God loved me because he blessed me with her and even though our future is up in the air, I have cherished our time together.

I got a hold of OM's father. He seemed to think that his son was incapable of doing something like that. I told him enough detail to possibly convince him otherwise. Said he would talk to OM. I told father the OM needed to cut off contact with my wife to save my marriage. Do I follow up?

Coworker/superior that I went to church with said she would talk to WW. Said that she had alerted her own WH's boss about affair he was having with coworker so I don't look so bad exposing her to her boss.

I am going to see a lawyer on Monday and also separate our finances so it will be difficult for her to move forward with the divorce. I will stall, stall, stall. It will be difficult to find her level job in Boston from here. They usually look for more local candidates. I will just try and wait this one out.

Any more thoughts?

- Jim

Jim,

You ARE doing GREAT!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Give it a few days and see if you don't hear something back from your WW about having called the OM's father. If you don't hear anything maybe another call would be in order..maybe you will get the chance to talk to his mom.

~ Marsh

I'm exhausted and going to bed. She is sleeping in the guest bedroom. I am going to pray. Please help me.

- Jim

I WILL pray for you too tonight. PLease leave this in His hands for the night. You really need to get your rest.

((((JIM))))))


~ Marsh

OM's father seemed kind of skeptical about his son doing what he did. I am going to write the family a letter with my proof and an eloquent argument as to why they must help me end this affair. WW has talked to OM and informed him that she is going to divorce me. She also let her sister and a few other friends who won't judge her behavior know as well. I have taken her journal and am keeping it at my work as proof of the affair. She hasn't written in it since I moved back home, so she may not even realize it is gone. I am starting to line up my defenses on Monday. Separating finances, consulting an attorney, and doing whatever else people recommend. Hopefully, there will be a happy ending to this story. It seems harder and harder to think that way though.

- Jim

Here is the letter that I am sending OM's parents. I also am including her journal entry about the affair, he itinerary in New York, her phone records, and some information about romantic affairs and how to end them. Let me know what you think.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. *****,

I want to thank you for taking the time out to talk to me on Saturday. I know I told you something that you definitely did not want to hear. I know that you are skeptical if it is actually the truth. I am going to include all of my proof in this letter. OM may say that WW is already getting a divorce and the affair has nothing to do with it, but as you can tell by her journal entry the affair is the reason for wanting to end the marriage. Sure we have had some other problems that led to the affair. I travel a lot for my job, but I have transferred to an area where I stay in town now. I have a temper that would cause me to lose control and sometimes shout mean things at WW when I was angry, but I have worked on that in counseling. If the affair would end, we would definitely be able to work out our marriage. I love WW with all my heart. She is my best friend and the thought of losing her just tears me up inside. We have been together for over 6 years and been married over 3 years.

WW and OM first hung out in May and they became friends, chatting often at work. They became too good of friends and started hanging out together by themselves. By July, they were involved in a full blown affair. July 28th, WW spent the night at his apartment. I didn’t let them hang out together by themselves after that, and I thought that it would end shortly when OM left for Boston. It didn’t. WW started calling him for hours on the phone daily. She said she was going on a trip with her friends to New York, but I suspected otherwise. I intercepted an email where she invited him to stay with her in her hotel room. He accepted. I confronted her with the information, and she said she wanted a separation. I foolishly agreed, and the affair got stronger and stronger while I was gone. I moved back in after she got back from New York, but the damage was already done. She said nothing happened, but I confronted OM the other day, and he said that they made out and engaged in heavy petting. He seemed unapologetic saying that he liked her, wasn’t going to cut off contact with her, and hoped that they would end up together. WW finally admitted the depth of their affair, and said that she was planning to file for divorce and look for a job in Boston. I am a good Catholic who does not believe in divorce, and I am going to use all my resources to keep that from happening. She is caught up in the affair, and it is like an addiction. Only if the affair were to end could she think and see clearly. I will include some information about these types of affairs.

I love my wife with all of my heart, and I am going to continue to fight for her. Phil is single handedly ruining my life, my marriage, and my family. I ask you as a Christian to do what you can to get him to end the affair. In romantic affairs, it is often the other man who has to end the affair, and pressure from family is the biggest reason that usually happens. I’m not judging OM as a person, he seems like a nice guy, but he is caught up in this affair as well. Most relationships born of affairs are doomed to fail. There is no way that OM and WW could last once the euphoria of the new relationship wears off. Please help him come to his senses and see the damage that he is doing to himself, WW, and me. I pray that you can help me. The pain I am feeling inside is so intense. Please make OM end the affair. That means NO CONTACT with WW ever again. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

BS

Well I mailed out my letter with proof to OM's parents FedEx priority, so it should be there on Tuesday. Hopefully his parents are like mine - my dad would kill me.

I also got WW's superior/coworker to agree to hand her 31 reasons to stop the affair and tell her that she looked it up and printed it our for her. She actually has some pull at the company so WW might be forced to read it.

I'm really tired but I can't sleep and have no appetite. This is really going to suck if this takes a long time, but I'm in it for the long haul. I'm an engineer, so I like numbers, so based on your opinions, what percentage of marriages in my state are saved and what is the average length that I will be stuck in this state? This really sucks.

- Jim

Jim,

You should consider editing your post and remove real names from it.

I don't know what to tell you about the letter to the OM's father. It's your call. If you do send it, I'd take out the stuff about your temper. I'd probably just tell him that while your marriage was not perfect, it certainly wasn't heading for a D before his son started having an A w/ your wife.

How are things today?

~ Marsh

Ooops, just saw your post saying you sent the letter already.

That 31 Reasons is GREAT! I hope she does read it. It might cut through some of her fog.

Have you thought about going on AD's? Alot of folks around here have found them very helpful.

You have to make an effort to take care of yourself. You REALLY do.

I don't know what the stats are on saved marriages... hopefully someone else can answer that for you.

I hope the OM's father is a good guy and gets all over his son.

~ Marsh

Sorry about the names. I haven't slept much lately (not that I haven't tried, I went to bed at 9:30 yesterday). I can barely spell when I type. I am on ADs, but I don't think there is one powerful enough to keep me from breaking down and crying at least once during the day.

- Jim

((((JIM)))))

Maybe your AD dose needs to be increased?

What did you do for YOU today?

~ Marsh