I watched the Rams game with my family today (that didn't help me feel any better), I talked with family and friends, I implemented part of my plans, and I bought a copy of Surviving An Affair. I still feel like complete garbage. Please, if there are any WWs out there that actually filed for divorce and came back to your husbands, please tell me your story for inspiration. My WW WILL file for divorce, that is a given. She is so far gone now, I don't know if she will ever return from the fog. I feel like I lost her for good this weekend.

- Jim

I left her a letter this morning telling her she was the strongest woman that I know. She is strong enough to do the right thing. She was strong enough to end the affair. She is strong enough to work on our marriage. She is strong enough to work on the issues that have been troubling her. I told her to accept God back in her life. God loves her and the proof is the wonderful husband that He blessed her with.

My hope is waning. Her HR director informed me that they do not have a company policy against such affairs. My next best hope lies with OM's parents. They should get my proof packet tomorrow. I just hope that they have enough influence over him to get him to cut off all contact. I'm meeting with a divorce lawyer today to plan my strategy. I'll update you how it goes.

- Jim

Jim, still waiting on an answer to my previous questions related to faith.

Hopefully you will feel up to responding sometime.

God bless.

I grew up in a strict Catholic family. I have always believed, but I got a little lax in college and have been on again off again at church. I have rediscovered my faith through this hard time. My wife on the other hand grew up in the Lutheran Church, and does not have as strong of faith as I do. She believes in God, but she does not practice. I have invited her to church with me, but she has declined. I will continue to offer the invitation and plan on asking her if she would like to attend the Lutheran church.

I met with a lawyer. He basically told me there was nothing I could do to prevent her from leaving. He said I could drag out a divorce for about 8-12 months at a cost of around $5000. She is going to have to change her mind. Hopefully, when she is confronted with the divorce she is too scared to go through with it. I know I'm scared as ******. Hopefully, some friends can talk her out of it, or OM's parents can get him to end the affair. I'm scared to death right now. If it were just dealing with the affair that would be one thing, but she has already resolved herself to filing for divorce.

- Jim

Hi Jim,

There have been cases where D was filed and the couple was still able to recover their marriage. And there have been cases where even after a D the couple got back together again. That happened in my parent's situation. They remarried each other after having D.

I know you're scared. I wish there was something I could tell you that would comfort you...but I do know that if you go to the God of all comfort, He will comfort you, Jim. He will remind you of His great love for you. He knows all that you feel right now. He promises He has a plan for you that is greater than you can imagine. Lean on Him. Pour out your heart to Him. Ask Him to help you let go of things you can't control.

You are doing all that you can to save your marriage.

Many are praying for you, Jim.

((((JIM))))

~ Marsh

I just got off the phone with Dr. Harley (on his radio show), and he informed me that my situation didn't look good. There wasn't a lot of "logic" tying her to me. He said keep being the best husband you can be in the meantime, depositing the maximum love units and avoiding love busters. Please pray for me.

- Jim

This is BS. They may not have anything specific to people having affairs but office place affairs are bad business, particularly if they work in the same department or if he or she is the superior or at a level of influence in the company.

I would write a letter reminding them of the pit falls of allowing a open affair to progress within the company walls such as potential for sexual harassment by one or the other, other charges that could be brought by others in the company feeling slight due to possible preferential treatment or a hostile working environment, (if your state permits remind them that they could get drug into an alienation of affection law suit or some other tort action for mental distress caused to you by OM's actions). Request in writing by certified letter a copy of their handbook and policies and procedures.

When doing this be sure to ask if this OM has any documented previous company affairs or sexual harassment claims in his personnel file or that they are aware of.

I am in the process of suing my EXWW's employer in an Alienation of Affection suit due to their enabling, covering for, negliginely investigating my claim, finding out the truth and still taking no action, and so on.

As I am finding out ofter times they want nothing to do with this because the CEO, the HR mgr.,, General Mgr., the Plant Supt, and so on are all having interoffice affairs themselves. (this is true in my case at a hospital).

Don't let them off the hook so easily. Let them know that you will be checking them out and that they could find themselves in court (without telling them this). They may very well cause enought riff between your WW and OM that the affair has to find another way to fulfill its fantasy, somewhere other than work. Either way this works to your advantage and you will feel better knowing you held this company accountable.

OM no longer works at the company. According to WW, things didn't get physical until after he left (not sure I believe her, she spent the night at his place once). The HR manager, art director, production manager, and president all have had interoffice affairs. Not sure what I can do or what it would help since OM is already gone.

- Jim

mmmm, I wonder if their spouses know about such inter-office affairs????

It may seem extreme but perhaps a letter, carefully drafted to their spouses informing them of all you know about their spouses affairs is in order. If the bosses don't care, just maybe exposing them will get their attention. I'm betting and hoping their spouses care.



Dear Mrs. President;

My name is Jim. My wife, Mrs. Jim, works with your husband at xyz, Inc. I don't know if you heard but she is having an extra-marital affair with a former employee Mr. Sac O'crud. I am vigorously attempting to extricate my loving wife from such insiduous relationship and save my marriage. In furtherance of such goal I recently exposed her affair to your husband and others at work in hopes that they would say or do something to facilitate my wife ending her affair. Your husband responded that their is nothing they can do.

I occurred to me that perhaps they are relunctant to assist me because he and others (including Mr. xyz and Mr. Abc) may have themselves engaged in adulterous interoffice relationships. Unfortunately, I can not offer any concrete proof of such but express to you that over the last severally years such conduct has been verbally shared with me by my current adulterous wife. Specifically, I was told by my wife that your husband slept with Jackie in accounting and Mr. XYZ slept with Susan in Human Resources last year at the annual Christmas party. I have no reason to believe such information was fabricated but I'm certain your spouse will deny such to his grave, call me a vindictive jealous husband and perhaps threaten to sue me. Again, I am not claiming that your spouse WAS a wayward spouse only that I heard he was and trust the source of my information. I am writing mostly becuase I, now, am certain YOU would want to know the truth about your life. It's up to you to get that truth, whatever it may be.

If YOU want to discover the real truth I suggest you consider planting a hidden voice activated recorder in your husband's office and call him to "discuss" the contents of this letter. Maybe consider hiding another recorder in his car (these recorders can be purchased at Radio Shack). Then, after you call him, you will surely "catch" the exposed trapped bear in the midst of covering his own behind.

I am sorry that I never exposed such knowledge to you previously. I, too, never thought that my spouse would betray me. I am sorry for the pain knowledge of your husband's possible infidelity may cause to you. I know that pain and it is not pretty. I can tell you that honesty is the first step to recovery but getting the truth about your life is not easy. Please think carefully to how you react to this letter. I have learned the hard way after months of thinking I was crazy that getting the truth yourself first is the easiest way to overcome the wall of denial you will likely be facing.

Finally, I do hope that I am mistaken and apologize profusly if I have wrongly accused anyone.

Good luck and, again, I am sorry.

Mr Jim



Good luck

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- Mrs. W did threaten divorce. After OM ended the relationship and told her to reconcile with me she was eager/desparate to do just about anything to prolong and resecure her addiction. It is a common response when the waywards addiction is threatened. It's often the last ditch effort to prolong and resecure the affair relationship that is in crisis mode. The wayward thinks they can "save" it by proceeding to divorce. I can't predict what will happen in your sitch. Until the affair ends (which could be soon or up to 2 years...they almost ALL end within 2 years of exposure), you just can't know whether you wife will have the ability and/or inclination to work on the reconciling the marriage. What will happen, will happpen. Exposure just sped up the inevitable....WHICH IS A GOOD THING. You are doing well.

Accept uncertainty and YOU WILL MAKE IT...one way or another, you will be OK.

WARNING TO MR. W

I may be stealing this letter(idea) for use in my soon to be filed case. I may even include an invite to come down and do a 48 hours expose to that bird-dog reporter of theirs. This would make for great TV. Heck it may even be a nationwide awakening about carrying on and all at work.

Seriously, I like your advice "W".

[edited]

Thanks...Hope

Yea, sorry about that. I got you two confused with one another.

Apologies are in order......

Thanks Mr. W

LOL...If you call me "J", H&P I'm kickin' your heiney!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

Mrs. W,

I know a lot of women (not like that!!!) but I don't know any Julie's so no need to worry!!!!!

H&P...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

WW contacted a divorce lawyer and looked up apartments in different east coast cities. She seemed pissed off at how much things would cost - lawyer, unloading the house (we just bought it in April with 100% financing so we would likely lose money), apartments, etc. We laid on the couch together and watched Heroes together. I told her how much I loved her and I was scared that she was looking up all that stuff and she said that she was just investigating her options. Made it seem like it wasn't 100% certainty that we would get divorced. I'm still scared as ******. She's made plans all weekend with her girlfriends so I won't even get to hang out with her this weekend. She called my parents earlier in the day and all parents did in the evening was telling me that I should give up, it was a done deal. I'm really scared. I'm really teetering on the brink of divorce right now.

- Jim

Jim - Don't.

Don't surround yourself with negativity or negative people.

Taking realistic steps is not the same thing as being negative. They are rational responses (consequences of) to your wife's statements and actions that are simple "common sense" and not "doey optimism" that denies you both have free will and both need to be involved in a marriage to HAVE a marriage.

HOPE is what you have, and hope is what you maintain and use to guide your actions....not certainty of outcome.

We, or at least I can speak for myself, KNOW the seeming "hopelessness" that fogbound Wayward Spouses exude in action and word. But they are founded in SIN and lies, so while they DO hurt, do not give them residence in your mind so as to dwell on them. Recognize them for what they are....lies and self-delusion of someone stuck in "self gratification" as the "excuse" or "justification" for doing what THEY KNOW is wrong and totally unacceptable.

As for your parents, with all due respect, you are not married to them. You are married to your wife and that is YOUR choice. I would surmise that they didn't choose her for you, nor did they force you to marry her. You ARE their child, and they see "surrender" as the "easiest" course to "protect you." But they cannot live your life for you or make your decisions for you.

YOU are a husband.

YOU believe, or don't believe, in YOUR vows.

YOU didn't go looking for trouble, but when trouble impacts your life, you don't "run away," even if the "battle" seems huge. YOU stand on your beliefs and your commitments, "even if" the outcome becomes what you don't want. "To thine own self be true" is a good thing to meditate upon. So is Philipians 4:13 when the "seemingly impossible" is beating upon the shores of your life.

God bless.

JM,

Be careful to not get manipulated here. She is investigating her options alright, how do you say "I want my cake and to eat it too". You need to get an attorney right away and explore your options and only let her know that you have retained one nothing more about your discussions with him. If she wants to talk reconciliation and marriage restoration talk to you and if she wants to talk divorce and separation then have her attorney call your pit bull attorney. I know you are scared but don't be intimidated and remember she is going to make the decision "she" is going to make and there is nothing short of plan A, plan B and threat and action with plan D that you can do about it.

You need to make plans of your own this weekend and let her know that you will be unavailable but will call a pre-appointed times to check on her. Don't tell her what you are doing or who you will be with (even if you alone go out of town and do some shopping or catch a game or whatever, get out and don't look as if you don't have a life without her no matter how much it may feel that way right now, look confident and like a survivor no matter what comes) just go.

Take charge here and be the man she may hate, despise, be angry with, mad at, etc but by God one that she will respect. Do everything you do in a controlled, semi unemotional, and calm manner. If anyone loses control let it be her. You be the pillar the rock in this relationship.

Jim, just another quick word of encouragement. My wife already HAD an apartment and the divorce papers all drawn up and ready to serve when I finally found out about the affair.

All is not lost. It hurts, but you are stronger than you think because you have RIGHT on your side.

Reality has a way of causing real problems for Wayward Spouses once it becomes known what they have been "up to" in secret.

Destablizing the affair is the BEGINNING of the long process, so stay strong, committed, and PATIENT.

God bless.

Thanks for the encouragement. Every time I start to lose it, I start alternating Our Fathers, Glory Be's, and Hail Marys until I calm myself down. I'm starting to calm down again after the trauma of this weekend. I think she is as well. Hopefully she'll move back into bed with me in the next week. She said she was thinking about it last night. Sometimes when I get upset she tries to comfort me. She actually picked up my favorite dessert from the grocery store last night. She's just so hot and cold. When she got home she was in a good mood. An hour later she didn't want to talk to me. An hour after that we were laying on the couch together. I just don't know how to approach her.

- Jim