Oh, she'll probably get really pissed when the OM's parents get the "proof" packet I sent them. It is scheduled to arrive today. Oh well.

- Jim

That's okay Jim...Your marriage CAN survive your wife's anger, it can't survive an ongoing affair...You've done the right thing with exposure!

Also, it seems to me even your wife is starting to understand that financially this might not be as doable as she thought...Um, have you checked out the cost of living in Boston??? That is one EXPENSIVE city...She will not likely be able to afford it...See, that kind of REALITY is where the affair FANTASY begins to FALL APART! Also, you certainly don't have to agree to put your house on the market right away...DRAG YOUR FEET on as much as you can...all the while Plan Aing like a master...You CAN do this Jim and you WILL be just FINE!!!

Mrs. W

I know it is expensive, and I know that she'll have trouble finding a job up there with her 1 year of experience in the publishing industry. I'm just afraid that she'll go push ahead the divorce half cocked and then get stuck here. She will have a really difficult time getting a job at her level that far away. Most companies will probably look at more local candidates for entry level positions like that, and the pay will be barely more than she makes here (with twice the cost of living). Plus she has too much work at her current job to even have time for all the job searching.

- Jim

Remember, YOU DRAG YOUR FEET on divorce too... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Make her do all the heavy lifting, so to speak...Make NOTHING about leaving your marriage easy on her!

Mrs. W

Post deleted by jmwc95

Why would you be spying on her now? She's pretty open about her A. What more do you hope to learn?


~ Marsh

I don't know how much longer I can do this. It is wearing on me so much. Two of her friends just emailed her, "If you need to get out of the house I've got a punching bag at my place," and "How goes the reign of shame." I am at my wits end. How do I go through this for months?

- Jim

Jim...

Please try and remember that whatever you hear will be FAKE as all get out...Try and picture a rat in a cage pushing a button to get a fix of cocaine...THAT IS WHAT YOUR WW IS DOING...She will say ANYTHING to get her fix aka ego stroking...You will likely hear many really ridiculous LIES about yourself and your marriage as well...Let that serve to show you just how fake it all is...It is necessary for them to lie about you to ellicit the response they want from the affair partner and also to allow themselves to do something that they KNOW is wrong...Believe it or not, knowing this stuff will help you later in recovery as you will know none of it was real...

Having the info on tape will also help you stay one step ahead in this...Some of it may reveal plans that you need to know about in order to protect yourself and/or allow you to cause trouble in "paradise"...

Good Work Jim!

Mrs. W

Jim,

I don't see how reading her e-mails are going to help you, right now.

Push away from the computer and go to the gym. Or go for a walk, or go chop some wood. Do something physical...

Seriously.

~ Marsh

Mrs. W - How long after exposure did it take for your affair to end, and how long after that did you reconcile? I think my situation is similar to yours because the OM is 1000 mi away. Did you have any children because we don't? I'm just flipping out now. I can't believe that I have AceSpy on the computer, planted a digital voice recorder, talked to her bosses, and mailed some guys parents copies of my wife's journal. How the ****** did I get here? It is all so surreal.

- Jim

Jim,

Here are my thoughts. You are trying Plan A and it seems to be somewhat working, but not totally. Start getting ready to implement Plan B. It's drastic and hard as ******, but you can do it...that's why I say "get ready" - PREPARE. You can do nothing to build the relationship until the OM is out of the picture.

On contacting the OM...my thoughts are this. Do you want him in your life more than he already is? If so, then contact him. If not, then leave him alone. Don't draw his energy into your world...it's really hard to get it out. WS needs to move him out of your lives. If you "scare" him away, how will WS feel about you? How will this prevent her from another A? How will you trust her not to A again? WS must do this FOR BOTH OF YOU.

Most of all...what have you done for yourself lately? You have a long road ahead and you'll need to be in your best shape (mentally, physically) to travel this road. Best wishes to you!

Well Jim...Though the affairs themselves are all eerily similar, please remember the details of many situations are different, I say this because my story is not an exact mirror of your own...It does NOT mean that yours will not be a success story...Your marriage is VERY savable at this point...You are handling this very well...

My affair was not exposed...Mr. W had not found MB at the time...I did later expose myself to my family...My FOM dumped me...THANK GOD...I do believe that much of the reason for that was some of the things that Mr. W did do...REALITY does a NASTY number on affairs as they thrive in secrecy...It all began to go downhill when Mr. W found out and confronted me, of course I ran to OM with this information...Please understand that as soon as an affair is discovered, it is no longer the complete fantasy world that it once was...Mr. W then was constantly with me, this limited GREATLY the amount of phone time I had with OM...Mr. W also began spoonfeeding me information that he knew that I would run and tell OM...Information that played on OM's insecurities, much of that was financial...Things like how much money I had spent the year before-Mr. W added to that greatly and since I am not the bill payer in the family I didn't know that it was fudged...It scared the CRAP outta OM as he was struggling in the financial department and that information reinforced his fear that he "couldn't afford me"-WOW, that sounds bad-LOL-But it was EFFECTIVE...Mr. W really played this stuff up to the hilt...Offered to let me have a plastic surgery that I had always wanted-this was two fold-#1 It attacked OM's financial insecurities and #2 Mr. W knew that he would be able to take care of me for 6 weeks and keep me out of contact with OM-as it turns out the affair was over by that time, but I can tell you that I will NEVER forget the love bank deposits that Mr. W made in taking care me after surgery...He was AMAZING!!!

Something else that I will always KNOW was instrumental in OM's dumping me...One night, I walked into our bedroom and found Mr. W on his knees praying...I, being the HORRIBLE WW that I was at the time, tried to use that to make fun of him to OM...I will never forget how silent that OM became when I told him the story...it stopped him dead in his tracks and he simply, quietly said, "Mrs. W, Mr. W REALLY loves you."...Shortly thereafter it was OVER...I believe that God played a big role there...

Oh and yes, we have a daughter who will be 7 on Nov. 16th...but Jim, I had even twisted that in the affair...OM also had a daughter, with the exact same birthday...same year and everything...he was my highschool/college BF...you see, EVERYTHING in an affair is twisted into that sick soulmate, meant-to-be bullcrap, but rest assured that is EXACTLY what it is, BULLCRAP...

You will make it...You are doing a great job...Pray Jim...I know you are, but continue that...I truly believe that affairs are spirtual warfare...

Mrs. W

Jim, I'm going to recommend something based solely upon what you've written so far.

Do NOT put the recorder in the car. If you needed information that would be one thing, but you don't.

So only 2 really bad things can happen, perhaps both.

1. If your wife discovers it or learns (probably from you) that you put a recorder in the car she will PO'd beyond belief and it will be a MAJOR Love Buster when you are trying to show her you are a "good man" to be married to.

2. You are emotionally "unstable" and hearing things such as what you fear will not be conducive to your being able to "handle" things, much less think clearly in the way that you MUST in order to survive until she begins to see the parting of the "fog."

Trust me on this one, Jim. Once again I know what I'm talking about. Try this one on for size, in some things, "ignorance is bliss." Others may disagree with me, and in a different set of circumstances I might agree with what you are attempting. But that is not YOUR situation.

God bless.

It matters not HOW it ends, only that it ENDS, so the WS can come out of the fog and go through withdrawal and become normal again...You will KNOW based on the ACTIONS of your spouse if they are truly a FORMER WS...

Further..."How will your WS feel about you?"...Um WHO CARES how a WAYWARD SPOUSE feels about you?They are in the FOG...A FWS will NOT care one IOTA how the affair ended, only that it ended...Also, I stand in AWE of Mr. W because of MUCH of what he did during his Plan A...He is my HERO...

Mrs. W

It's posts like this one that reinforces what a great person I think you are! I LOVE your openness and willingness to bear all to help someone else!

And holy crow, is Mr. W. a smart guy!!!

~ Marsh

Well SHUCKS Marsh...Thank you EVER so MUCHLY...I think YOU ROCK your very ownself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Any yes, Mr. W IS a SMARTY PANTS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

I checked FedEx and my proof of the affair packaged arrived at OM's parent's house. We'll see what this does. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

- Jim

Jim...

Just wanted to add that I VERY MUCH agree with exposure...I KNOW that my own affair would have ended even sooner with it...You did the right thing...I would NOT hold it against Mr. W one bit had he have exposed...NO WAY...He DID use voice activated digital recorders and check my email...I am glad that he did-I sure would have if the situation were to have been reversed...I am a firm believer that you must INSPECT what you EXPECT...For us, it has been a good thing, as it did allow Mr. W to see just how FALSE the whole affair was...I actually called him TOXIC at one point...Now EVEN then Mr. W saw this as ridiculous, because it WAS...Mr. W is one of the most easy going people in the world...He has NEVER even yelled in his ENTIRE life...NEVER...So the word toxic applied to him is just beyond comical...It was very OBVIOUSLY me that was the toxic one at the time...

Another benefit to spying at this point is that later you don't have to rely on the memory of a WS if you need details...Now, myself, I did give all the details, but many people here have to try and drag them out of their FWS...I am not trying to make myself sound good because I gave the details, because to be honest at the time that I did that, I did it to lash out at Mr. W and try and hurt him more...I am not proud of that at all, but it is the truth...

Whether or not to spy will rely on what you need...Personally I could NOT just sit back wondering...(Even though that would seem to fit my name-lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)

Mrs. W

Excellent insight Mrs W....

Jmw,

There is excellent information being provided here. Continue to read and listen to those that have and or are surviving the tragedy of infidelity. You have a good people offering great advice and insight and you sir are doing a great job or absorbing and acting upon it. Keep your nose to the grindstone as they say and keep plugging away.

OM's parents got proof of affair package and told their son to stay out of the situation. Don't know if OM will listen. WW contacted another lawyer today. I saw her looking up apartments in Boston yesterday. She most certainly will speak with OM today about his parents. How should I respond?

Her sister is really pissed at WW and I don't know if she should be nice or really disown her and tell her how she really feels. What do you think? I'm freaking out right now!

- Jim