My wife is filing for divorce. Do I continue in plan A or do I got straight to plan B?

- Jim

Good. How do you know they told their son this?

Tell your SIL to tell her what she thinks of her sister's behavior.

~ Marsh

WW told me she met with the lawyer to start the paperwork. I feel like I lost.

Exposure was particularly effective in ending my wife's affair. In less than a week.

Jim, I wish I could be there with you, I am seven months into my separation and I know where your standing right now. You need to stop reacting to the situation - you need to act. You need to man up for her and yourself... You ask timeline questions which I did the same, its different for all. You must stop looking for signs, signs of recovery, sign of remorse you MUST start living your life. You have problems as well as she, start working on yourself, she might think you are a worry wart, so change that. I wonder could you take care of yourself if you had too. If you were alone in life as you feel you are, could you cope, could you function?

If you don't think you could, then you have a problem. I say that with compassion, no marriage should be a prop for another person's insecurities. Show your wayward how much of a man you are.... You need to quickly act, get your financial in order, get her off all your accounts, do it now immediately.

Stop trying to reach her, you can plan A and still not talk about your love for her. You need to start positioning consequences. You chose these things so you have to bare teh consequences. Those are the words that strike fear into a waywards heart.

Post deleted by jmwc95

Jim,

Hang tight, my friend.

What your WW is telling you is babble. PLEASE don't take it to heart. You're right, she's trying to push you away. Don't let her discourage you from what YOU want. It would be nicer for her if you weren't in the picture b/c then she could have her A w/o interuptions. DON'T make it EASY on her. Of course she says you are putting stress on her. THAT'S a good thing. She NEEDS to be stressed out.

You need to lovingly, emotionally detatch from her. You need to do things for YOU. You can't control her, but you can control YOU. What are you doing for YOU, Jim?

~ Marsh

JM

I noticed you do not have children. I was concerned with you moving out before I saw this fact. Have you read the 180 list. I think you may be a prime candidate for this approach. The WW may have to feel what its like getting her needs (all of them) met by the loser OM or herself before she sees the value that she had in you. Sad, but true.

Hang in there.

What is the 180 list?

- Jim

Jim,

I have been following your post and I am truely sorry for what you are going through.

But the one thing I have been wondering is if, after reading how you described your marriage in your initial post, you really think this marraige is the best thing for YOU?

Argueing, sex only on Sunday night, her wanting to get it over quick, eating disorders, alchoholism, etc. Is this really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? I am not trying to be harsh, and I do undestand what you are going through. But you sound like a pretty decent guy with a good head on his shoulders. Why do you think you don't deserve anything but the best for yourself?

I guess what I am getting at is that Plan A\B, MB, etc is great and all, but don't give up who you are for this person. It doesn't sound like it was all the great before the affair, and she doesn't really seem like a very stable person. You deserve better, much better. It hurts now, but I think you may be in a fog too, thinking about all the good times and none of the bad. Read WaltW's posts. He saw the light through his pain and made the decision that moving on was a better path for him to follow. His post really is inspiring. I don't believe every marriage can be saved, and not all should be saved, but look towards YOUR future and really think about if the baggage your WW brings to the table is worth dealing with for the rest of your life.

Best of luck to you friend.

I know WW is filing for DV and planning on sponging off me until she can find a job in Boston to leave me and be with OM, so I must protect myself financially. I am going to meet with a divorce lawyer on Monday to initiate the process and protect my finances as much as possible. I will also be alleging marital misconduct. She will only know what she is losing once she has lost it. I tried, but she is stupid. My WW is dead to me. I can't leave myself vulnerable to any more pain.

- Jim

Ok Jim...It is completely understandable for you not to want to stay in this marriage...I wish you well my friend and hope you will stay around here...Success stories here do not only refer to the saved marriages, many MB successes are about personal recovery from infidelity...I'm so sorry that you are going through this and hurting...

Godspeed,

Mrs. W

remember this is not an attack on you - your WW is lost and lost souls tend to hurt those around them. Protect your heart and finances, but remember to be compassionate, I wish I was more compassionate to my WW just for my own sake.

My WW is crazy. After I told her I was going to file for a quickie divorce and that I would never be speaking to her again, she called Phil and cut off contact with him and asked for some time to think things over and discuss calmly whether or not we think we could work things out together and be happy with each other. I am extremely leery of this suggestion. Part of me thinks that she realized that she couldn't make it financially or that Phil and her weren't going to be together in Boston. I don't know what to do. Can anyone here offer some perspective?

- Jim

You need to be strong right now. Ask your wife to talk with you. Ask her to visit and talk with other FWW's here that can identify with where she is, to get IC (joint MC later). You need to give the appearance of "I love you and I want a newer, better, stronger marriage with you, we can do this together. It will not be easy and there are principles, tools and committments to make in order to get there (including NC w/ loser affair partner, forever!!) BUT at the same time I am perfectly willing to move on in life. I am a fine man and will make someone a good husband and father. It may not be you. I am now ready to have the papers drawn up if we can't come to an agreement to build a better and stronger marriage together. We have a choice. Choices don't necessarily involve feelings or emotions that are fleeting or temporary, instead its a matter of will, thought

Jim,

Sounds like you just turned the tables my friend. You basically slapped her upside the head with the reality stick. BUT, take things slow, make sure you are making the right decisions for yourself. And always keep your cool. Even if you feel like you are going to fall apart, stay calm, cool, and collected around your wife. No relationship talk or anything like that. If she talks about moving out and getting her own place, just tell her that it is her decision to make, not yours. Be calm.

To be honest, I was in Plan A for about 3 months and then I thought, 'What the ****** am I doing?, Where did I lose who I am?" I was really ready to move on and had accepted the fate of my marriage being over. My wife asked me one morning what I thought of her moving out. I told her it doesn't matter what I think, it is not my decision to make. Then I told her we should both talk to lawyers and that she needed to call a real estate agent to get the house on the market. She said maybe we should talk things over the next few days. I said okay, no problem. I was very calm and very nice during the conversation. I went to see a lawyer that night (I had made an appt a week prior) When I got home I told her I spoke with an attorney and told her about everything I learned. I was calm, actually kind of upbeat. I just spoke very matter of fact like. Well, since that day, contact with OM came to a screeching halt. No more cell calls, text messages, emails. We never discussed it after that but things have gotten much better in our marriage.

But that is it. I think the reality of the situation really hit her when we had these conversations. She saw that I was ready to move forward without her, she would lose her home, only see her child half of each week, etc..

Now, I have definately made some positive changes in my life and M. I needed to do that. So what I am saying is use this opportunity to make positive changes in your marriage if you want to stay together. Don't try to get the upper hand in your marriage or be a jerk to her. Don't go back to your old marriage habits. Take things one day at a time.

BUT, as I said in my above post, make sure you make the right decision for YOURSELF. Give yourself time to digest what happened and really focus on if your marriage is something you think will really make you both happy long term. You are going to need to forgive your wife for the affair. This is really not for her benefit. This is for your benefit. And you really need to forgive. If not, it will eat you up inside and you will take it out on your wife.

Good luck friend.

I sat down with WW and discussed what she wants. Basically she said that she is afraid that she is making a mistake and wants to see one last time if our marriage can work. She agreed to NC with other man, and that she wouldn't file for DV or look for other jobs (it is easy to verify NC because OM lives 1000 mi away). She just wants some space and realizes that I can't give it to her while she is with OM. I told her that I had a meeting scheduled with a DV lawyer on Mon., but that I would cancel as long as there was NC with other man. Any contact and I would file for DV. She is hanging out with friends tonight, and going to a wedding on Sat, but we agreed to go out to breakfast on Sun and work on cleaning up the house together. Also agreed to have Thanksgiving together with her sister. Hopefully we have a good weekend together, and she will go to KC with me for a concert we have tickets for next weekend. We both REALLY enjoy concerts (especially Alice in Chains even though one of their original vocalists is dead), and that would be a very good opportunity to deposit maximum love units. I'll wait until a good time to ask her this weekend. As for last night, we had a good time watching TV together and talking about stupid stuff. I actually think this might work as long as she can maintain NC with other man. I am trying to deposit maximum love units and really avoiding love busters, so hopefully after the initial withdrawal period (around Thanksgiving) things will really start to improve. I am hoping that we can spend some quality time together around Christmas and get her to commit to working at the marriage then. I'll be patient, but that is how I think things will work out. I can't believe the difference 24 hours makes. My marriage might not be done after all.

- Jim

Jim ...congrats I guess.

Keep posting and work the MB marital recovery program without deviation. Dr. Harley is an expert.

Do not bury this. An alcoholic can quit drinking but if he doesn't address the issues behind his drinking his recovery will fail. Address your marriage. Build a NEW and better marriage together.

I seem to recall affording more counseling was an issue for you. My wife and I both post and much of our recovery involved just being here on MB reading, posting and discussing. There is much to be learned by both of you reading and posting herein. It also became our sorta recretional companionship. Discussing marital issues in the third person is a wonderful way to indirectly and sometimes directly discover, confront and overcome your own issues.


Mr. Wondering

p.s. - a word of warning. It is VERY common for the WS to have closure contact. It's complete bullcrap and unnecessary but common. In my opinion, one final contact is not necessarily a deal killer. The affair addict thinks they are just ending things appropriately. They are deluded and I suggest trying to discuss it with her openly and honestly and get her to once again write a No Contact letter and stop all contact with OM. Of course, repeated contact is unacceptable.

She's not ready to recommit to the marriage yet. She just agreed to no contact with Phil from here on out. She knows that if I find out that she contacts Phil (which I will if she tries), I am filing for divorce. I fully expect that we'll work things out, but she's not ready to agree to other things yet. She hates marriage builders right now, and would not be willing to participate in the site. She is still very angry at me. I'm sure that if we do start to patch things up that I'll get her to agree to a no contact letter, and maybe work at our marriage using a similar program (but not named marriage builders). I might just white out the marriage builders logo and photocopy the emotional needs questionaire. It will just be a lot easier for me to not pressure her while slowly winning her back without Phil in the picture.

- Jim

Jim - Oh sure, now you get to engage in secrecy and dishonesty. Grounded in fear again. You really need to come to grips with your fear, Jim.

Hear this, please, and consider it seriously.....Your marriage is already over and you have already lost your wife (that's what happens when a spouse CHOOSES to engage in adultery). You don't really want that person back "as is," do you?

If a fundamental principle of MB is Openness and Honesty, AND you want to use MB principles to save your marriage and build a loving, trusting, "affair proof" marriage, why would you want to resort to deceit, dishonesty, and manipulation that will only backfire on your WHEN (not if) she later on becomes aware of what you did? When it comes time to address things like the EN questionnaire, deal with it in a straightforward manner. But NOW is not the time. You would be attempting to "put the cart before the horse" until the withdrawal period ends and she decides to actually try to recover the marriage, not "you live in your space and I'll live in my space." That's not marriage, that's being a roommate, at best.

Ever heard the old expression "in for a penny, in for a pound?" You can't "play" at this Jim and expect a good outcome. Remember, the "definition" of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different out come. The "old Jim" has to go just a surely as the "old Mrs. Jim" has to go. CHANGE, positive change, is what you should be after.

Now, to hopefully ease some of your fears, what you are hearing from you wife is "Withdrawal" type talk. She CANNOT "recommit" to the marriage right now and will not be able to even consider that until after withdrawal ends. It sucks, but that's the way it is. Right now she is reacting and talking like a "trapped animal" who doesn't see how she can escape you. A "caged wife" is not what you want, is it? She is going to have to come to the decision to be your wife willingly, and that can't happen until after the end of withdrawal. Remember, and this is key, IF there is any contact the withdrawal "clock" gets reset to zero and the withdrawal period starts again. So it's important that all you really focus on right now is that there is no contact of ANY kind for at least 30-60 days (to get through the withdrawal period). THEN you have a chance to rebuild the marriage. So take things "one day at a time" right now and commit yourself to taking mega-doses of patience and endurance each day.

God bless.