I don't know how to answer that.

I found out about the EA when OM moved away in August. WW asked for a "trial" separation in September in our MC (which I stupidly agreed to). It lasted until October. I was doing a crappy plan A most of October (crying, begging, etc.) until late October when I found this website. I posted my story on 11/3 and exposed the same day. I felt that I had enough and was going to divorce her on 11/8, but she started crying and agreed to NC. She has contacted him twice since. Things were SLOWLY getting better (increased conversation, cuddling, etc.) but no commitment to the marriage on her part, kissing, or SF. She has been really swamped at work lately, and she is really stressed out.

I have been doing a VERY GOOD plan A since 11/8, but I had done a crappy plan A from September to that point minus the four weeks I had moved out.

Jim, I would stay in Plan A a little longer and focus on attracting her back, showing her how great your marriage can be. At the same time, be firm and tell her there is no room in your marriage for 3 people and continue to snoop on her.

If she won't end contact and recommit to the marriage after a few more weeks, then I would go into Plan B. But before you go into Plan B, you will have to seperate from her. Have her move out and THEN go into Plan B.

I think I have about a month (or one more contact) of plan A left in me. Getting her to move out will be a problem. Not only do I believe she'll refuse to leave, but it will be financially taxing on me to make the mortgage payment along with utilities every month. She is just so d*mn stubborn.

Jim, if she won't move out and you can't afford the bills alone, then you will have to probably get a LSA. Have you thought about how you could do this?

Hi Jim-
I agree with Mel- I am a former wayward wife and I just wanted you to know that this addiction is very difficult to overcome, but I've read your story and it does seem like your wife will choose you. I see a lot of hope for your marriage in this thread. So my advice is to continue plan A if you're up to it. And keep snooping. Obviously you have a very good intuition- you predicted this would happen. Trust yourself and keep up the good work. You really are doing well, in spite of this recent bump. Be firm with her but be the best, most loving husband you can be right now.

Good luck-
~Saturn

Jim,

I agree with Mel and SR. Stay in plan A and keep doing what your doing. We all know by reading here that this kinda thing happens for WS. It is hard on them too.

Jim, you know my story, but let me tell yo something else about it. My wife worked with the OM. She has now moved to another company to get away form him, but my wife has an ex co-worker/ friend from the old company. This friend knew about the EA and would (not knowing that it would hurt things) tell my wife about OM some. SOME!! not too much because she thought it was kinda wrong. When I found out about this I told my wife that this has to stop. She told me that she thinks if the friend didn't tell her about the OM that she would have called him, just to see how he is doing. So, I'm saying to you that they all either do this or have the need to.

Keep doing what your doing, it pays off. My wife told me that the things I've done were the main point of her "seeing the light".

Something else I told my wife that blew her mind. "ww I sometimes think this is harder on you than on me. How? i lost you, my wife. You lost your feelings for me and the OM." Now I didn't believe it, but I said it and it hit her like a ton of caring.

You are doing good and winning the fight, but it is slow.

M2L

Thanks you guys. I know what I should do, but everytime she calls him and lies about it I just break down. I am an emotional person. Have you ever seen the movie Wolf Creek? The killer stabs a woman in the back and severs her spinal chord. The killer calls it "head on a stick" because the head is completely conscious, but the body cannot move. That's how I feel right now. I am fine taking my time and slowly winning her back, but not with the OM involved. That I just cannot handle.

What do I say to her when I get back home tonight? Should I not bring it up, and just act happy? Or should I firmly state my boundaries?

She knows the boundry right? Just try to love her and expect nothing in return for now. That's what I'd do, but who am I? I can't even re-attract my wife yet either!! LOL

Jim: Honey, I know that you want to call him and i know that you do. Let's try something new. When you feel like talking to him call me instead and tell me how you feel.

WW: why would I call you? I can't talk about the same things as I do with him.

Jim: Yes you can. I know you miss talking to him, it's not news to me and i will listen to you. Please try it. I think it will help.

What do you think Jim?

Oh Jim,

try that listen and repeat thing that Marsh and Mimi told NC and me about.

I used it lastnight even and it WORKS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

M2L

WW: If I want to talk to OM, I want to talk to OM, not you. I talk to you plenty.

Her contact with OM is premeditated, not something that just happens when she is having a down day. She knew she was going to be away that weekend, so she bought a calling card to talk to him figuring that I would not find out.

I have done the listen and repeat thing and it does work. Our situation had been improving. It just the contact with OM is the problem. I really felt that I had been reconnecting with WW before that.

Jim,

Man I hear you word for word!!! You have been all over these posts and have learned so much already so i don't know what else to tell you.

You and your wife are on dif time cycles. You thought things were going well and she thinks things are going ok. My guess only

Quote Bob pure "ww i will not have my bounaries crossed repeatedly"

Quote My Wondering "ww I will not live in a loveless marriage forever"

They both told their wives these things. You probably know this already.

I waiting for someone with more ideas to come along also here Jim.

M2L

Jim,

It was about this stage for me that WAT kicked my a55 on one of my posts. I started reading deeper, old stuff from way back. I learned i was not alot dif than many others here and they made it.

Jim, it is worth it when this crap is over. My wife told me yesterday how happy she is now with us. Yours will too, she needs you know, she just doesn't know it.

m2L

Jim, this is a very slow transition period when you need to be the consistant knight in shining, and she needs to allow her feelings to "switch" over back to you.

It cannot, and will not happen like the flipping of a switch. It is tediously slow, as you are finding out. Plan A is your best weapon.

During the time my FWW was in the same stage of between D-day and establish NC, I started leaving Post-it notes around the house for her. Some were just statements of how deeply I cared for her (without saying "I Love YOU") and others were "coupons" entitling her to foot massages, back rubs (no sexual overtones, and don't try for SF if you try this) dinner for two, cooked by me, dinner for two with wine at a favorite restaurant. During the same time period I would "just" show up at her work with Chinese food for lunch (just for her, not including me), or bring a single stem rose home and just put it on the table without a word.

I'd buy cards just telling her how much I cared for her, and that I would be there for her. I tried to keep relationship talk to a bare minimum. Much of this she has to work out in her own head, and you pressing for a squeeze, a cuddle a kiss or SF has NO place in the process. You have to keep your Taker on a shelf and be a complete giver for the time being.

Set backs are only that, setbacks, they are not the end to your efforts, or your dreams for success. Try to assume a position of "emotional detachment" for a while, and look at your "Wife" as though she's a sick person that you've been put in charge of caring for, and let you emotions rest a bit. It worked for me. I got to the point her secrecy and efforts to "resist" me were almost comical, because from these forums, I KNEW exactly how she would act or react to everything I did.

Best wishes,
SD

I knew exactly how she would react, and I know that my efforts are working, but that doesn't make it any easier. It is Christmas for god's sake. I am trying to keep going, and it is difficult, but I know I am doing the right thing. I am just looking for some clarity from these boards whenever my emotions get the best of me, and they have only gotten the best of me when she calls OM. Other than that I have complete control. When she calls OM, I am a sobbering mess. I just can't control it.

M2L and NC will tell you, I am the poster child of calmness and belief in myself, and I convey that same message to everyone on the board. WW calling OM is my kryptonite, however.

THAT's why these boards exist! Keep up the GREAT work! Never give up. Trust yourself and your actions. Believe!

SD

Glad you caught Mortarman's post! There's always hope, so long as YOU continue working the miracle <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SD

Hi Jim,

I've seen some of your posts here and it looks like you're doing a great job of applying the MB principles.

For me, I thought I was doing a great job in rebuilding our M. Mrs. RIF and I were in MC and working with a pastor in our church. I was learning all sorts of ways to deal with my anger and pain and like most BS, I wanted things to "get better" quickly.

The lesson that took me the longest to learn was that I needed to provide a safe place for Mrs. RIF before she could learn to start trusting me again. I know this sounds wrong since you are the BS, and at first, I thought so too...

Mrs. RIF said in counseling that I was controling and that I never listened to her. Of course I thought she was dead wrong... The point that I had to learn was that it didn't really matter what I thought, what mattered was how Mrs. RIF received my actions. For her, my actions, no matter how great I thought they were, were still clouded by my past behavior.

It took us several months of consistent action by me for Mrs. RIF to start trusting me again... Once she was sure that I wasn't just trying to manipulate her, she started opening up a bit. The more consistent I was with my words and actions, the more she opened up.

I don't want to scare you, but for us, it took about 2 years of consistent, loving actions from me for us to get to a point where we really felt that we'd moved through all of our past issues.

You're doing great. Keep posting here and vent when you feel overwhelmed... Rebuilding your M IS possible, but it will take some time. All the best to you and your W as you continue on your journey.

Semper Fi,
RIF