Hey Jim,
A real inspiration - I am glad you got to see W instead of WW for a night.
You truly are wise - And your fortitude is amazing I really wished I could have had your resolve early on but Thankful you keep checking in on me

[censored]!!!

My WW called OM last Friday night and talked for 18 minutes.

Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Time to update the d*mn sig again. I talked to her while she was at work and she gave me some BS about having borrowed a book from him, and she wanted to know how to send it back. What a load of horsesh!t!!!

I'm getting tired of this crap!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why did that take 18 minutes?

It's so hard to keep at this and it must be frustrating. Do you want to keep fighting this?

I'd rather keep something by letting it go. If you keep someone caged and controlled, they will resent you. If you just set it free and it comes back....then that is meant to be. If not, then that's the breaks.

If what you are doing is getting you nowhere, try something different.

Good luck Jim....I know this has got to be a big bummer. I feel for you!

Why 18 minutes is right. I'm sure she has his address. Did her pencil repeatedly break during the call?

She had to talk to him about what was going on at his old place of employment these days. I think I might just go to plan B. She seems unapologetic. All she could say was it is BS that I'm watching over her, and she doesn't have time to worry about my feelings because she doesn't even have the time or energy to take care of hers.

blah, blah, blah...now she's back in the fog, maybe not to square one, but certainly a setback. How you handle this is critical.

Let her know your feelings, but be absolutely in control. You lose it and Love Bust to any degree, you might as well drive her over to his place. Speak with her about it, using "I" statements, "I am really hurt by your calling him". No you statements, or disrespectful judgements. And say nothing derogitory about the OM.

If there is to be property to be returned, make sure all of it is gathered up, and delivered to OM's by a third party. I know you know not to let her exchange anything in person.

I can't remember, have you and her had any sessions with the Harley's? Please consider it strongly, and they may help pull her through the fog, and give WW a better "look" at your pain.

Sorry, man, this is tough. Keep it in perspective...this is a setback, not a life threatening catastrophie.

Stay cool, use what you've learned, and what you are teaching.

SD

Hey Jim,

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Don't give up. Stick with the program and work your plan. You are strong - just look at all the advice you have been giving others. I tell you what, I would give anything for my WW to at least be in the house with me.

You can do it. My prayers are with you.

Jim:

How did you find out about the phone call? Checking the online cell report? Or did you ask?

IF you asked, did she volunteer? Or was she busted?

Just a thought. She's moving in your direction.

Did you ever here the Russian saying?

The drunk man says what the sober man thinks?

Your WW was drunk and started telling you about where her head was at.

If that is what she is thinking when she is sober, you still have work to do, but she is coming toward you.

Make plans to go to the MB Weekend.

It may be just what she needs.

First of all, OM lives 1000 mi away. She claims she wanted her copy of "The Belljar" back, and then proceded to talk to him about work and shoot the ******. She hates MB, won't go to counseling, won't work on the M, period. I had a discussion with her where I got a little firm, but I said that I was done, so I picked up some flowers and a card from the grocery store. The card was one of those "For relaionships in trouble" cards where the message was, "we'll get through this" and "our happiest times are ahead of us," and I just added a personal note about how much I cared for her and reinforced my boundaries. She's working late tonight, so I'll probably just go to bed early. She'll probably come home all b!tchy complaining about work, the flowers, the card, and me "controlling her," so I'll just spare myself the drama.

I'm so sick of this. I know she's at home, Eph, but part of me is like, "I'm 26, have no kids, what the he11 am I wasting my time for?"

Argh!!!! Recommend a scripture passage for me to read.

I busted her on the online phone log, and she said, "I thought you said you were going to stop spying on me." I said, "Yeah, I was going to stop spying, but I'm still going to check the phone log. Duh!"

I think she was a little bit drunk when she called OM on Friday night as well. She won't go with me to MB weekend, that's a given.

I know she is moving in my direction, but I will have no love left for her if she continues calling this jerk. Exactly how long is a successful, good-looking, 26 year-old guy with no kids supposed to wait?

I'm calling up SH's radio show tomorrow. I'm getting sick of this.

Jim:

Exactly how long is a successful, good-looking, 26 year-old guy with no kids supposed to wait?

Only you can answer that.

Do you want to win? Or,

do you want your W back?


Because if you are not committed, then that will come thru to her.

couple of things for you:

Philippians 4:13 has resonated with me more with me since I started replacing "all things" with specific things, for example:

I can continue to love my wife through Christ who strengthens me.
I can change myself where needed through Christ who strengthens me.
I can save my marriage through Christ who strengthens me.
Our marriage can be better than ever through Christ who strengthens us.
And so on...

When I make it specific to the task at hand then it makes me feel stronger.

I read this last night, I think it is a good one for you.

Psalm 119:1-8 (The Message):
You're blessed when you stay on course, walking steadily on the road revealed by God.
You're blessed when you follow his directions,
doing your best to find him.
That's right—you don't go off on your own;
you walk straight along the road he set.
You, God, prescribed the right way to live;
now you expect us to live it.
Oh, that my steps might be steady,
keeping to the course you set;
Then I'd never have any regrets
in comparing my life with your counsel.
I thank you for speaking straight from your heart;
I learn the pattern of your righteous ways.
I'm going to do what you tell me to do;
don't ever walk off and leave me.

Also check my battlefield of the mind blog here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=2#Post3168996

I'm just venting. And I don't have the number that she texted yet, but there was back and forth texting right before the call. I know who it was.

Hi Jim,

Sorry this is happening to you again. If she feels controlled you may not get much progress at all with her. My WS felt controlled and in turn she subconsciously rebelled by doing what I didn't want her to do in the first place -talking to the OW. Perhaps that is what your WS is doing?

After doing such a great plan A, perhaps its time for plan B, before you both LB each other into really falling out of love for each other?

Praying for you both

Dude, I feel awful for you.

I'll say it again...you're young, no kids, and not married all that long. Is she worth the trouble?

(((((JIM))))))

~ Marsh

Jim, I'm sorry this is happening to you. It seems clear that your WW not only hasn't earned the "F" in FWW. It's also apparent that she seems uninterested in doing anything to earn it and is quite to do what she feels like doing without considering the impact of her actions on you.

A (re-phrased) comment from Dr. Phil's show yesterday that struck home with me: "you will never get over this until you know in your heart of hearts that your WS gets what she did to you." Apparently she does not get it.

Just out of interest, if your WW is not interested in working towards recovery as it apparently seems, what's keeping you in this M?

Another (re-phrased) comment from Dr. Phil's show: "Do you trust yourself enough to be enough of a survivor, enough of a strong person, enough of a person that if she fails you, you will be OK? And if you can answer yes to that question, then you can afford to work on this. And if you can’t, then you need to get out now."