EDIT::

Incident 1: post dated Nov. 5th, 2006
Incident 2: post dated Dec. 2nd, 2006

Using my birthday as a pretext, received following note from WS (translated, of course...some might remember...WS and I communicate in French!), followed by my interpretation.

I consider it a 'typical' note from a WS who attempts to have BS break PLAN B, as this past summer, at about the one year anniversary of my PLAN B, after WS suggested we meet and discuss 'matters'....particularly for the benefit of the boys, I again reminded him that I would only consider it should he give me a clear sign that OW would be out of our lives.....

NOTE:

Dear Lunamare,

To let you know that inspite of everything, I am thinking of you, particularly today, your birthday, the day of your XX birthday, I would like to know that you are 'well'!

Know also, that even from afar, even if our paths should continue being in parallel the rest of our lives, for me you still remain a unique individual, you, my complice of so many days, of so many happy moments.

When the pain and anger will have subsided, I hope to be able one day 'reconnect' with you, for the sake of our two beautiful boys.

Until then, I wish a very happy birthday, Hugs..WS

LUNAMARE's interpretation:


I will ignore your request and use the pretext of your birthday to 'test' the waters again. I would appreciate it if you somehow figure out how to be OK with everything that has happened so I will feel less guilty so I can enjoy more my life in 'fantasyland' with OW.



(WS trying to butter me up).....even though life was not so bad with you....and I actually may still care a little about you....I intend to stay in 'fantasyland' with OW as long as I can....



I want you to feel guilty about the suffering your choice to be PLAN B is causing our boys...this way I can take the focus away from my decision to destroy our M and family, stop feeling guilty, and better enjoy fantasyland with OW....and it's about time for you to get over your pain and anger over what I did....so we can have a 'friendly co-parenting' R to have you answer SOME needs...squarely centered in REALITY.....while at the same time enjoying the 'excitement and passion' of being in fantasyland with OW....

...a typical pursuit of cake-eating by a WS... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

It goes without saying that WS will receive NO REPLY...

I would be curious to know if anyone of you can read anything else 'between the lines'....and, am I that far off?

Well your interpretation is a little more harsh than mine. The way I read it is:

"You know? I can't really remember what all the fuss was/is about. Can you? Anyway, why are we letting something so petty affect our children?".

Selective memory and denial - you can't beat it.

You're right, Pio...

'minimizing' and/or 'denying' the breakup of a family would pretty well summarize the note!

edited: bottom line, though, is that WS us wanting to be in a 'friendly co-parenting' relationship with me and is trying to convince me (read: manipulate) that there is really no reason why we shouldn't...

...while I don't WANT a WS and/or OW in my life.....if I care enough about me.....and want to protect myself from some major suffering in dealing with two very selfish individuals....

Luna,

Here's my type of response (remember I hate WS' babble <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> ).

WS,

I received your note. Hm.... I am trying to find something good in your note but it seems that you are still a WS having an A with an OW. Can't see how our paths would ever cross while you are in that state.

You are the father to our children and I hope one day you can act like the one we all deserve to have in our lives. Until then even b-days will be hard but should be treated no different than any other day when you are a WS. Why? Because at the end of that special day, the next day will bring more disappointment as you slip back into your full WS mode. That is hard on the children and I. So keep your feelings and well wishes to yourself even on special occasions.

I hope one day you get to receive the same treatment you have given our family. Maybe then you will truly understand why we have to protect ourselves from your feelings.

So long,
L.

You're in plan B. It's clearly working, Ignore him.

Alright Luna, here is my interpretation of the thinking between the lines:

"Luna, if we could only be friends again I would feel so much better about myself and what I did to you. Is there some way I can make you forgive me by using our children as a sort of object of guilt for you?"

Luna,

If I may go off subject for a bit, I'm in Plan B for only ~1 month now, and I already feel better about myself, my life, my actions. My question is this, how do you feel now, a little over a year after entering Plan B, as opposed to when you started? Just interested in hearing about your changes in thought process.

Thanks for the replies.

Orchid, I do like your proposition....but...as you might well understand....being in PLAN B....I will NOT reply to WS...... let him think WHATEVER he wants.... this fish is not biting! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



Hi Bob.....I do agree....for a WS...an uncooperative BS is a big thorn on the side....particularly since I know for a fact that, inspite of everything, WS does respect my opinion... and 'does this mean he did something wrong?'....and PLAN B might create some self-doubt for WS...which is why WS would really appreciate my 'seal of approval' to fully enjoy fantasyland.....see...this way...if fantasyland isn't working out as well... it's MY fault...LOL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hi Hiker....yes, agree...again...could I not help him 'minimize' the impact of his actions on our boys....so HE would feel less guilty!

I feel sorry that my boys are having to face at their young age the challenge of separated parents...and wish they wouldn't have to... but I certainly did not make life choices to cause the break up of their F....WS did...and at times....I do believe even in fogland....it's a 'heavy load' to have to face! .....thank gawd 'denial' comes to the rescue...or else...fantasyland would be 'unliveable'!



Hi SL,

Well...let's see...it goes from, one year ago, 'exchanging' with friends and 'breaking down' on a regular basis and WS monopolizing the conversation...to now, where, with some conscious effort, the subject of WS does not even come up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

....meaning....since I am in PLAN B....and don't know anything about WS....can't really discuss him!....and it's a choice!....be careful.....as a BS, one could very easily 'cheat' and question everyone who is in contact about WS, thereby defeating the purpose of PLAN B....it takes a great amount of discipline and self-love! ...PLAN B is a time where the focus of BS is YOU....you are on your own....how do you want to 'steer' your ship?

The feeling you are feeling after one month...will continue, and will be amplified over time....as you realize that you can 'survive' well on your own <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />....and I do enjoy the 'control' gained over MY life!...once you have clearly made the decision that you care enough about yourself and that you will no longer tolerate having a WS, and the abuse, in your life, and that you SINCERELY prefer facing the challenge of life alone INSTEAD...

...the hardest is taking the DECISION, that for your own well-being and consequently that of your children, the only option left is to CUT WS out of your life!....after that....the execution of it gets much easier!

...it goes without saying that it does NOT mean that you will not miss H, you will, but not WS!....you will be feeling pain over that loss...but hang on, the 'moments' will pass....and you will be faced with many 'triggers'.... (BTW...enough will cross your path so do your best to not intentionally solicit any!)

Being in PLAN B, it is very important for one's self-recovery to make 'decisions' not based on the fact that H may one day be back....but rather....that he won't!

...Should H come back....you will 'evaluate' where you are at, at that time.... depending on the 'deal' on the table....

...the worst thing you can do in PLAN B is live your life 'holding your breath' waiting for H to come home..... if you are in PLAN B....it means H is definitely LOST and you can no longer help him....and he is on his OWN to find his way back...if he WANTS to, that is!

....don't be surprised to find that you have more strength and courage than you ever imagined...basically, I find that in PLAN B....it's the BS that truly meets 'soulmate'.....if such an animal exists...as in the journey of self-discovery...one discovers....ONESELF...one's own potential.... becoming one's own best friend... and making life decisions as such! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

uhmm...and you can see.....do EXPECT WS to test, once in awhile, how 'serious' you are about not having WS be part of your life! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

You gotta be strong...because remember....WS was H....and knows what buttons to push! ...like an enemy knowing all your weak spots...and so...BS needs to 'protect' those weak spots! ....PLAN B is great for that! ...no contact means....there is no room for persuasion...no room for manipulation....no room for control....

Thanks Luna,

I think that I have been feeling stronger because I am deciding, slowly, that I'm not thinking of WH as being a part of my life anymore, and I do NOT expect his return. It's clicking in my head that I really do quite enjoy this new freedom. I'm free from much of the pain and daily misery. My DS and I are chugging along. My son does ask many more questions about his daddy now than before Plan B, and I think it's beginning to sink in that daddy REALLY doesn't live here anymore. That can be tough, but, otherwise, I would have things no other way right now.

WH has made no attempts to contact me, except for LSA and childcare things (through intermediary), and I'm happy for it. I am completely dark. I do not speak to his friends or acquaintences, he doesn't really have any family. I have ABSOLUTELY NO idea what he is doing, and it does feel better to NOT know. He seems to be dragging his feet on the LSA and changing his address, but that's really not anything I control. I moved his clothing and personal stuff to the garage so I don't see it at all, and that has helped too.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts

That kind of ca-ca makes the very BEST mulch.

I'm glad you see it for the fertilizer it is.

((((LM))))

Sounds good SL...I will try to read your thread and see where you are at on other things...

...based on my experience...you may find the first 'holiday season' coming up and being in PLAN B a bit tough...just like in any other instances where a grieving process is set in motion.... because there will be a lot of 'triggers' you won't be able to control...so try and surround yourself with friends and family as much as you can...people that care about you...the kind with whom you are comfortable, and with whom you don't have to put up a 'front'...and who will be understanding... as the rollercoaster ride of emotions does continue <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />... but it does get better <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

...the other thing...which makes sense now that I think about it!...(and which I chronicled somewhere in the TKO thread).... but at the time it happened, I thought it had crept up on me quite suddenly.....is the awareness that OTHER men exist...which consequently makes you realize that in the limboland of PLAN B....there is no SF (unless you want to consider BigK's helpful suggestion! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />...LOL...if so, check him out, he's on TKO..and tell him that LUNA sent you! LOL) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

...the lack of SF....if not 'controlled'....could actually lead a BS to consider justifying getting into a new R when in PLAN B....and be tempted to use well-known womanly seductive powers on a willing 'victim' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.....this too does pass..just have to 'wait it out'..LOL....(mine happened over a weekend with a lot of 'talking in the wind' on TKO, but no action...... this made me realize though how thin a line separates a BS from a WS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

....if BS wants to take the 'high road'....no new R allowed in PLAN B until BS takes the time to 'properly' close door on 'H's potential future return' ......by going through D process, when READY!...and after THAT allow another door to open....

...having TWO doors open at the same time...BS is pretty well on WS territory! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

If ever you want to 'compare' notes....you can catch me on the TKO thread..... PLAN B limboland can get quite 'boring'....other than WS attempts at breaking PLAN B...soon you will find very little to report....other than some 'rollercoaster' experiences..... can't even imagine on what page my PLAN B thread is on...LOL!

I believe my WS is in a Romantic Affair <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />...I find they're the worst type..can be very resistant...practically unstoppable....nothing to do but 'stand still'.....and let reality do its magic.... unfortunately by then....may have 'moved on'......we'll see....personally, I intend to only review my 'position' in summer of 2007... in the meantime....'healing' process is at the top of my agenda..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The only reply I would send:

"Unless you are writing me to tell me that you have given up OW and are willing to meet my conditions for getting back together, please do not contact me again."

Thanks Luna,

I'll check out the TKO thread.

In terms of 'boring' Plan B, I've noticed that happening already. I don't really have much to report, and don't expect anything until WH files for a D (who knows when that will be). Heck, I may just tire of the situation and Plan D myself. I have to be legally separated until next July, so I have a lot of ME time, and that is good.

As far as other Men are concerned, I work with men that I've known for many years, who are married and Highly devoted (which I appreciate now more than ever); everyone here has been very supportive. I don't really go out much, and when I do, it's mostly with very established girl friends, so I don't expect much of a challenge in the fending off men department. I'm really not interested right now, as my heart is still in need of repair, and I still have triggers and pine a little (not much anymore).

I really now just come here and respond to others questions and thoughts. I'm starting to feel more able to impart some of my learned wisdom from MB's and my own experience, and that can be therapeutic.

Hi SL...yes...but that may change after a year! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

...as at the time of SF crisis...a discussion insued on how priority of needs change....SF for me was not a TOP priority need..... well....after a year of it not being satisfied....temporarily....it went to the top..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I did feel better when, I think it was Cinderella, set the record straight....I believe in her case.....went without SF for 5 years!.... and proved that...it can be done.....one can survive without it....LOL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi Wanna. Thanks for your reply.



Yes...if anything that is what I would reply...however... when he was asking to 'meet and discuss' at about a one year mark this summmer...I DID reply in writing to WS which was more or less a PBL reminder, that I had chosen to 'remove' myself from triangle, and to not contact me unless M and family became priority in his life (with OW out of the picture!)...

That is the reason I choose a 'NO REPLY' this time.... because I believe WS by now knows 'exactly' what my conditions are for contact....but WS by playing 'dummy' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />... may just want to see if a backup is still available ...does BS remain an option if things don't work out with OW...and get a Lunamare 'fix' at the same time........

I would rather let WS THINK that the clock is ticking....because it is...and as the saying goes 'keep him guessing'.... why is his charm no longer working on BS?!!? uhmmmmm.....<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Luna,

I could definitely see SF as something that could become more important over time. I don't really have a time window for Plan B right now, but I will not be engaging in ANY type of intimate relationship with any new man until after a D. I've already told myself this.

As for my friends, they are all of the frame of mind(including WH, of course) that SF with others is fine once you are legally separated <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />. I have told them that may be fine for others who are desperate to fill themselves up with nothing, but I want to really take this time to unbury myself, find myself again, reconnect. I can find someone else when I'm ready. I think too many people go 'in search of' their happiness, when truly it lies within you the whole time. This world seems to be so focused on the flesh, that they forget the soul, I think. Don't get me wrong, I'm gonna miss the flesh <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />, but it's really not that important in the grand scheme of things.

Since you are talking about this GFs.... hoping that no one is listening very closely and thankful that no one knows who I am....You do know that there are ways to take care of the PHYSICAL aspect of this without a partner, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

OOOO, Mimi, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Naughty girl! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Kidding, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> yup, I'm prepared for the long haul. I haven't had SF for 4 months now, so I have an inkling of how it's gonna be.

Oh, and stop whispering and sideways glancing to make sure we're alone... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

.....what's on your mind MIMI?....is it like what one doctor on Oprah said once....about keeping muscles in 'working condition'...if you can't get help with it....help yourself?

OR

...would it be in line with BigK's suggestion.....of buying some sort of a Rabbit!.....have not yet even dared to google it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

OR
...Todd's method....chewing away at other body parts...last count....he had 'chewed' away his knuckles... uhmm....elbows.... and knees.... and have not yet dared to ask for an update!

Would not recommend Todd's method...too much to lose! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

...FYI....BigK and Todd are TKO thread confreres! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I know..I know...

We're definitely GROWN- UP WOMEN, aren't we!