[color:"blue"]" ...in thinking about, Pep....if I didn't necessarily LOOK a million bucks.... I had a million-bucks attitude...and I think that came through loud and clear! "
[/color]

[color:"purple"] confidence and enthusiasm [/color] are very very attractive!

Pep

Well the A started crumbling right after d/d but the walls in their heads were thick and it took years. Several false recoveries and some of them included his calls to break up with her on the phone and in person....I got to watch them walk into a restaurant, then walk out to her car in the supposed breakup....then within 40 minutes (after a 30 minute ride home with my cousin), OW calls! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> So much for that torturous experience. I will never forget how furious I was. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Still patience was a lesson to be learned and with tools like reverse babble, I learned to recover myself and move forward. Plans A & B helped a lot. My moving forward helped pull me OUT of that grotesque A game. I refused to be part of the triangle A. Once that happened, the OW and WS tried all kinds of stunts. In my case, WS was weak and couldn't keep his stance with 2 strong willed women. I got called all kinds of name and accused of all sorts of sick things. I learned to accept ONLY what was the truth and learned to be subtle in how I sent back my blow through the fog. All were legal and above board but I did not expose my techiniques to the WS and OW.

I didn't even have to work hard at improving my image. Since I was ok with myself, either H loved us enough to return or he would leave and be forever known as the man who sold his family for a stinky OW. Fortunately, even the WS realized the OW wasn't a good catch. My constant wall forced the OW to concede. Even though false charges were brought in court, the OW couldn't touch me and that drove her crazy. The very fact that I had undermined her scheme, drove her nuts. She had no real way of knowing what I had a handle in and what I did not. I learned to start to doubt of her ways by making it known to the proper authorities and other places....in time it caught up. LOL!!! I don't know the details but know enough evidence was given to begin investigations as needed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I have no regrets.

While I abhor the A, I learned to take it and make it a learning experience. In our case what came out is H needs us more than we need him and he knows it. At that point, his family decided to take him back so he can prove to us he is worthy of having in our family. Plan B and the door are always near by.

What was lost was his sense of security. He did manage to get himself back with his family. The scars of the A is part of the healing system.

I periodically have my bad days even now, 3 years after the end of the A and the false RO charges where I had to see the OW in court. I don't really want to forget, lest I let my guard down.

A WS who is new and posting on MB recently told me I was 'controlling'. LOL!!! Ain't that the truth. I see no reason to defend that title. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I also refuse to let undefined words or phrases lead myself or others to the wrong conclusions. So I now realize it is ok, t/b controlling. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Just what kind of controlling and how is the key. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thanks, Pep.

...Orchid....thank you for your posting...and yes...it's important 'not to forget'.....and turning the whole A-thing into a learning experience.....

Ah..ha! Gotcha! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Nothing to report... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

...just bumping up thread a little bit..... for when I WILL need it for updating! ...not very good with the 'search' engine... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

....unless some of you can tell me how to do it differently.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ...I am definitely a willing spirit to be more 'techie' about it!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You little stinker!

I'm not sure about how to go back and find an old thread. Sometimes I go to the search engine to find mine. Lately, I've been posting a lot, so i don't much have to worry about losing it. You may be able to save the link in your favorites at the top of your web program. Also, you may be able to save in on your MB profile as one of your favorites.

Hope you are doing well, otherwise.

Hi Luna,

I was just doing a drive-by and catching up on your thread! I have been away from the board with a VERY eventful four months--reaching "blurry living levels" I hadnt experienced since my last year of law school with baby twins!

And to think, I missed out on that cruel twist of New Year's events you had and couldnt pitch in with some support! Here is a delayed hug ((((Luna))). Sounds like you had lots of support though, and made it through as you always do! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I must say that is just awful about your "friends".

To comment on that, I really dont think that people get this whole A thing and the pain it can bring until they go through it. I dont think your friends really understood how you must have felt. Did you tell them?

By the way, why were you so "uncomfortable" with being angry about the situation?

WS basically brings OP on YOUR intimate territory--this time not just M territory but FAMILY territory--and your friends validate it!!! And you cant understand why you are so hurt and angry? The INJUSTICE, the invasion, the disrespect, the arrogance, the rejection! Girl--if you were not WHITE HOT MAD there was a problem! Family members are not tires on the family car!

Besides, you have had your share of territory stampedes IMHO--wasnt it enough that SHE taught at your son's school?!!!

Anger is a good thing. Anger protects us in times of danger. Dont you agree? What is so wrong with getting PISSED (not the English version of the term BTW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) now and again and breakin' some cyber-chairs!

Okay, so I have to admit how sick I am. I was pleased to read that he called your Mom crying after having brought OP to old family tradition! HA! Serves him right the idiot!

He knew he couldnt get a Lunacake--so what did he do? He settled for a Lunamomcake! Well, I hope it was as satisfying as those diabetic cookies are when you are craving chocolate fudge brownies! No Ludafudge 'till ya get healthy WS!

Hang in there Luna!

luna

i haven't really kept up with your thread but silent mentioned on mine that you have been in plan B for a long time also

are you finding support here?

i'm finding that few people, even those here, believe that it's possible my H will return after all of this time and they don't support my believing it

Jennifer Harley DOES

but i find it sad that so many people HERE don't.....no matter what all of the statistics say and what the harley's say about the A ending and then there may be a possibility of reconciliation

SL: Thanks for the compliment! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



Hi Ahuman... what have you been up to?



...I guess because maybe 'anger' is a bit out of my comfort zone...but I was hurt...mad...angry....and in no uncertain terms both 'friends' and WS 'heard' about it....in fact...the 'reality' check ....seems to have 'spoiled' WS's NY's celebration with OW! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

...and am choosing to spend time with 'friends' that seem to be more considerate towards ME! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />



...or a good PLAN B... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I have paid my dues.... tolerated enough 'crap' from WS (as you know, Ahuman...) that it's now making staying away from WS and staying in PLAN B sooooo easy!



....for sure! ...got nowhere to go but up!

Hi EAV....



It will be 2 yrs this summer....



...never would have believed that our WS would leave...so why couldn't the opposite be true?

....however....in PLAN B....that possibility needs to go to the 'backburner'..... with PBL.....the ball in WS's court....if WS gives a clear 'sign' of interest.....then and ONLY then.....a BS needs to 'consider' options..... in the meantime.... I live my life AS IF WS will never be back....which is also a possibility!!!

Nice summary. How do you find that acceptance in relation to your willingness to take WS back? A few of us have been musing about this--I'm afraid that if I let divorce become an okay option, my willingness to take WW back will dwindle to nothing.

I really admire your strength.

A couple of major logistic changes...(international move and career change) compounded by a major emergency ... (little son in hospital!!)....at a very inoppotune time ( when spouse was already at new location, so I was alone working, moving and caring for my son in foreign land without friends, family etc)

Whew! The good news is we all made it!! And we have safely landed in our new spot and can all be together again...and my son is fine and healthy!

And although I was very busy, I have no reason to complain. There are many many mothers in parts of this world who do not have access to medical care for their sick children--and would have lost their son! (Or access to work! Or the comforts that made it possible for me to make it through that little rough spot!)


How are YOU doing? And how are your boys? What did they say about the holidays? I recall a while back that your son did not want to go as regularly to WS place.

It sounds like circumstances have changed a bit for WS with his change in work. What if anything will make him re-evaluate himself and pull himself out of the hole he has dug--who knows! What really matters is that you are safe and still growing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />!

Have you taken up any new activities / hobbies / interests since he moved out?

Isn't there a Chinese proverb that says something like --from chaos springs opportunity!

Keep us posted.
Ciao!

Hi SD,



...sorry...not familiar with your situation.... but it depends.....

...would the D option be coming from WS? .....then you don't really have a choice nor control over it....so you go with the flow....not your choice!.....

....are you, as a BS, considering initiating plan D? ....if not done for protection reasons....then you are ready to 'close the book on WS'.....and fear of 'willingness to take WW back will dwindle to nothing' would no longer be an issue! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

In my case...I am just not playing the IF game NOW..... I will....IF and WHEN.......I have a reason to.....and evaluate the circumstances....THEN! ....no need to waste time on it NOW!

...what I am assuming is that you are prepared to live your life definitely....WITHOUT WS..... but open to reconsider should S show up!

...because a BS's life is worth so much more than to have it be wasted on a WS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the update, Ahuman...WOW!....you sure have been busy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />



I am doing pretty good, and thank you for asking!... there is some adjusting to be made at the 'operational', 'emotional' and 'decisional' level....after 20-yr M and functioning as a family to going solo....but overall..... enjoying the ride.... particularly since I did not CHOOSE it!

...and DS16?...well...let's just say that during his 'officially' week with dad.... he more or less... eats and sleeps there...and whenever he can....he's either over at friends' house...or..you guessed it!.....at the house... afterschool and weekends...LOL! ...and seems to be 'handling' the situation in the best possible way....getting what he wants and needs....without upsetting the boat...as WS seems to have done enough of that!...he's a great kid!



Well....as far as WS goes....it might take him awhile to get over his 'illusion'...and even longer to admit to it! I know for a fact that my PLAN B is his biggest thorn! ...I should have gotten 'over it' by now!

...as we know...a WS usually does NOT want to choose or lose anything...my WS only wanted to ADD OW to his life...not remove me necessarily! ....fogland calculations!

For me...OTOH if WS does not commit to sharing life WITH me...he is CHOOSING to live life WITHOUT me!

As far as his work is concerned...he is a freelancer...so I believe he is still working part-time at DS11's school with OW....but it might make OW nervous to see him go work...elsewhere! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />



Not anything...NEW, per say...just have more time for what I do like...going to movies....meeting my friends....home improvement projects (they get done quicker with solo decision-making!)...enjoying my boys....



...that proverb is just up my alley....and the other one is... the best revenge is to live a great life! ...working really hard on that one! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

..uhmmm...I will have to start thinking about this.... when I will put my thinking cap on....I will come here to get some of your 'insights'! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sorry....nothing new going on....bumping thread so as not to lose track of it! ....I have gotten attached to it....it's like my own little 'space' around here.....the threadline to my past....proof that I am actually surviving an A...and doing quite well...thank you very much!

WS..is still a WS...so...no news on that end....but I am doing better and BETTER....every day....it is just AMAZING!

Luna rawks

Hi Pep!

what's shakin'?

bacon?

Well....I can't believe I have been off the board for so long!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

I had a vew trips back to back in April and May.....VERY NICE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> ...but got very BEHIND on my board reading! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Then.....my boys, friends, work, the yard and home projects..... kept me very busy..... but LIFE IS GOOD and I am thankful for each and every day!

Quick summary for the new:

It's been 2 yrs since WS left...when he chose OW over me and family, although they are not 'officially' living together.....

...so I went into PLAN B and have NEVER sat down with him since...and any of WS's attempts to 'meet' with me have gotten one of two answer: (a) no answer (b) more or less, to get back to me once A has ended

...and this Killer BEE.....is proud of herself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I will try and slowly get caught up on some of your stories....I am so eager to find where some of you are at.... although...alas....I see a lot of new 'posters'!!!! URGHHH!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Dealing with the aftermath of an A is a tough gig for a BS... but things get EASIER once BS realizes that there is nothing else to do but break the 'unhealthy' contact with WS....until and IF S wakes up!

....just gotta hang in there, though! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Great to hear about you, Luna...

You went through my mind several times while reading the last Harry Potter novel...because of the "Luna Lovegood" character...and only because of the name...no relation to the characterization!

Glad you're well. You were missed.

LA