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((((hugs luna)))) I see you replied to yourself, LOL, been there myself!! What a rock and a hard place you are between. Question: Your 17yo has chosen not to be around his dad at all? Does he see your WS? Or does he only stay with you? I worry about your son, tough age, of course, but perhaps his lack of interest in school could be a bit of a fall out from his dad's leaving the family. You know, kids have a way of making themselves responsible for stuff. Maybe he is angry at his dad and feels like he wasn't important enough for his dad to be at home and be there for him. Do the kids know about the A? I know you have said something about that, I just don't remember, refresh my memory please. Do you feel that part of your son's problems right now are caused by the A? Is your son estranged from his dad? Seems pretty tough. Maybe your WS could go to school on his own and report back to you. Do you ever email WS about what is going on with the boys emotionally? I guess probably not. It is so tough when you are in Plan B and you have these issues, I can't give you much advise right now, just lots of questions, LOL. Hope some others chime in and give you some good advice. I know you don’t want to look bad, and we all understand why you don’t talk with WS, Plan B is after all, about being dark. Hopefully your WS is beginning to feel some of the consequences of his choices. And it is okay that you didn’t want all this, the A or everyone’s attitude about it. It seems such a shame that the school never did anything about it when they knew about your H and ow, and being in education also. Okay, I am rambling now, best to you luna, Love in Christ, Miss M <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
me: FBS
H: FWS
Fully recovered
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Thanks for dropping by Miss M, Question:
Your 17yo has chosen not to be around his dad at all? Does he see your WS? Or does he only stay with you? Since the Fall, DS17 is choosing to stay with me, because he said he could no longer 'take it' at his dad's....does remain in contact with WS, but no longer 'stays over' at his dad like WS would like.... and unfortunately WS 'controlling tactics' are not working with DS17! ...and DS12 now goes...alone...to stay at WS's but has reduced it to 4 nights a week every two weeks....so...that he spends ALL his weekends at home! ...he found staying a whole week at WS's....too long! I worry about your son, tough age, of course, but perhaps his lack of interest in school could be a bit of a fall out from his dad's leaving the family. You know, kids have a way of making themselves responsible for stuff. Maybe he is angry at his dad and feels like he wasn't important enough for his dad to be at home and be there for him. For sure...all of that... Miss M!.... but that's where I need to back off.... I can't control what WS does....nor how DS17 feels.... I CAN do some damage control by SHOWING my son how much I care about him....don't hold him responsible for what has happened... and do the self-care needed so that he can COUNT on me to be there for him!.... but do think he might have the same issues with WS as me....I still love WS, as does DS17...so I think it comes down to... trust and respect.... WS needs to work at EARNING back DS17's trust and respect! Do the kids know about the A? I know you have said something about that, I just don't remember, refresh my memory please. Oh, yes....both boys are well aware how we got into the situation we are in.... in fact, younger DS, now 12, may have had to 'keep WS's secret' for awhile...as OW is a teacher at HIS school...where WS also works as a 'resource person'.... Do you feel that part of your son's problems right now are caused by the A? Is your son estranged from his dad? For sure....DS17 wanting to stay with me full-time coincided with OW moving into an apt. right above WS!....in a property that I STILL CO-OWN with WS...so....legally, I am now 'landlord' to OW! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ...is anybody still wondering why I look forward to 'separating' assets with WS....and plan D? Seems pretty tough. Maybe your WS could go to school on his own and report back to you. We can both go, separately, and talk to his teachers.... I have already met with them this past Fall... the issue is DS17 NOT being motivated.... ...but this Fall...I gave the 'green light' to DS17 to stay with me, inspite of any fallout there might be with WS (no great loss, really) because I was seriously worried about his mental health....like depression....due to the stress of going back and forth....and him dealing with a dad/WS... DS17 may not be doing so great now in school...but at least he is not isolating himself... he is not into drugs or alcohol.... I am watchful of who his friends are....has a part-time job that gives him some funds to work with, is into several sport activities, and is much 'happier' all around... Do you ever email WS about what is going on with the boys emotionally? I guess probably not. I only communicate 'facts' to WS about the boys....since I am dealing with a WS....and a very 'guilty' WS at that... and so far, my attempts to let him know anything other than facts has been interpreted as attempts at wanting to make HIM feel...guilty.... ...but we all know that we can't MAKE anybody feel anything.... nor DO anything...for that matter! ....so....I am leaving WS and DS17 to 'work out' their relationship on their own! ...but WS is definitely...missing OUT on seeing DS17...growing up! I know you don’t want to look bad, and we all understand why you don’t talk with WS, Plan B is after all, about being dark. Hopefully your WS is beginning to feel some of the consequences of his choices. ....if looking bad would help...I would not mind it...LOL! ....well that is the problem.... WS would rather...NOT! ....feel the consequences! ... he would like me to 'sweep the A' under the rug....accept that he is choosing OW over me and our family....so that we can move on to doing some 'friendly' co-parenting together! ....and just doesn't 'get it' that as a BS.... I now have to work very hard at coping and dealing with the trauma caused by his A.... And it is okay that you didn’t want all this, the A or everyone’s attitude about it. It seems such a shame that the school never did anything about it when they knew about your H and ow, and being in education also. Yes...that would be DS12's school... I did write to the Director about the situation.... his reply was that the administration could do nothing about it as it was a 'private matter' and would be legally liable for infringing on employees' 'right to privacy' ...uhmmm....sorry for the long post!
Last edited by lunamare; 02/19/08 08:43 PM.
XBW
DS16 & DS22
PLAN D: finalized!
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don't be sorry luna, glad to have the answers.
So your WS went ahead and moved ow in the apartment anyway, did he? I wasn't aware that that actually happened.
Well, I don't blame you a bit for plan D!! That would be a deal breaker for me, also.
I will pray for your son, not motivated, huh? Well, I feel that some of this is the fallout from the A. Well, good that your son 'couldn't take it,' and has made the healthier choice, and that would be YOU!!!!
Your WS WILL be the one looking guilty, AND feeling ALL of the consequences too. I just feel so sad for your son, because it must be hard on him to think that his dad didn't care enough for a good relationship with him. Hopefully you are telling him how WORTHY and AWESOME he is and he will shake off this stage he is going thru.
Luna, you are the best mom in the world.
Love in Christ,
Miss M
me: FBS
H: FWS
Fully recovered
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Thanks for your suppport, Miss M, So your WS went ahead and moved ow in the apartment anyway, did he? I wasn't aware that that actually happened. Yep....that one was a hard one to swallow...which is why I consulted a lawyer... and looking forward to continue 'removing' myself further from the triangle! Well, I don't blame you a bit for plan D!! That would be a deal breaker for me, also. For me, too....LOL!... and to think that WS actually thought I would be OK with it?....boy! ...talk about being in fogland...still! I will pray for your son, not motivated, huh? Well, I feel that some of this is the fallout from the A. Well, good that your son 'couldn't take it,' and has made the healthier choice, and that would be YOU!!!! I think so, too...I really can't blame him, either.... and as I said....I think he's holding out pretty good..all things considered! Hopefully you are telling him how WORTHY and AWESOME he is and he will shake off this stage he is going thru. I shower my boys...with hugs and kisses! ....I would like to think that the boys can be proud of me... at how I have tried to 'dust' myself off....and am trying to 'move on' inspite of the loss...inspite of the feelings of betrayal and abandonment given WS's choices.... appreciating what life DOES offer..... and hoping that they can do the same....LEARN to ENJOY and APPRECIATE life ....focus on what we CAN do... and to RESPECT ourselves and NOT tolerate abuse of any form.... in their future relationships... at least....that's what I TRY to do!
Last edited by lunamare; 02/19/08 10:34 PM.
XBW
DS16 & DS22
PLAN D: finalized!
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Luna,
Can't you evict her [censored]? Now that just makes me dang mad that your WH would move OW into your apt. building. That is definitely about as insensitive as it gets. (((((LUNA))))))
Does that A show ANY signs of falling apart yet? How long has that been going on? Looks like you are competing with Believer's A of 4 years.
You are a Goddess girlfriend!!
BS - me 56
XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Hi CL, Can't you evict her [censored]? Now that just makes me dang mad that your WH would move OW into your apt. building. That is definitely about as insensitive as it gets. I checked it out....only if OW had a 'bad credit rating', otherwise it would be considered... discrimination! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ....I could make a 'scene'....waste energy on that.... probably further 'justify' the A.... I am choosing NOT to do that... if it is a 'tactic' to get me to react/act....it did...it was the 'straw' that broke the camel's back!... ...it made me want to further 'protect' myself.....and I consulted a lawyer and am now in plan D.... they seem to want to stop at NOTHING from getting what they probably deserve.... each other! ...I already had no respect for OW as 'woman to woman'....choosing to get involved with a married man....but geesh.... choosing to be MY tenant? YUKKKK! ...their way of proving their love for each other???.....YUKKKK....YUKKKK! WS and OP seem to need a common 'adversary' to fight.... with plan B I am more or less out of the picture... and with plan D...I expect to be totally out of the picture... then....they might move on to 'fighting' something else.... or NOT! ...I have NO CONTROL over their choices.... ..but I CAN choose to NOT have a WS be part of MY life! Does that A show ANY signs of falling apart yet? How long has that been going on? Looks like you are competing with Believer's A of 4 years. Well....WS seems to indicate that he finds it too high a price to pay if he can't continue to have ME at his 'beck and calling'... so.... OW better figure out a way to MAKE UP for that....LOL! ...maybe the A will die out the day they no longer have anything else in common to 'fight'.... and they MIGHT actually have the time to look at themselves in the mirror, or take a glimpse at the destructive trail they are leaving behind.... I would be scared to do that if I were in their shoes.....most likely... they will continue to choose denial.... too much of a mess to admit to! You are a Goddess girlfriend!! Thanks, CL....as you can see.... one way or another... ALL of us here have our 'work' cut out....by being faced with major CHALLENGES to overcome! Hang in there... we will be OK! ...just keep putting one foot before the other....simple enough?!!!...LOL! ...to be in Believer's company? ....couldn't ask for anything better!
Last edited by lunamare; 02/20/08 10:50 AM.
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Luna,
Can't say I blame you. It would be the last straw for me too. That's just so "in your face" if you know what I mean. I sure wouldn't want to move into your apt if I were her. That's just wierd.
As in Believer's case, the same may happen here - the A will fall apart after the D. Believer says that an A needs a M to survive and I think she is right. It seems to be that way in a lot of cases.
Well Luna, we'll be driving the D bus together I guess. Not sure how long mine will take. I don't even know if I'll try to drag it out or not. In some ways, I just want to get it over so that I know where my life is headed.
BS - me 56
XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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"...maybe the A will die out the day they no longer have anything else in common to 'fight'.... and they MIGHT actually have the time to look at themselves in the mirror, or take a glimpse at the destructive trail they are leaving behind.... I would be scared to do that if I were in their shoes.....most likely... they will continue to choose denial.... too much of a mess to admit to!"
I think you have it here! Once I filed for divorce, I just gave up, especially when my ex didn't end the affair. Then it ended SUDDENLY, less than 2 weeks after our divorce was final.
And they haven't had any contact at all since then, so apparently it didn't end on a good note. Of course I never got any of the details - my ex didn't say, and OW didn't tell her husband.
LOL, I wanted DETAILS to post here.
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Believer,
Do you think there is ever a chance that they will start it up again? Just wondering how many WS's go back to their M only to start up the A again later. Would love to know why it ended.
Sorry for the TJ Luna...
BS - me 56
XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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They have been apart for over a year now. And OW's husband says she doesn't contact my ex at all. My ex says he regrets the affair, is sorry he ever met her, and that their love wasn't made in heaven. Quite a contrast from during the affair. Then she was a wonderful woman, I would really like her, they were soulmates, brought together by God.
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LOL. Funny how that happens isn't it? Makes you wonder exactly what goes on in those things, and just how that light bulb goes off and the fog lifts.
BS - me 56
XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Hi B, Then it ended SUDDENLY, less than 2 weeks after our divorce was final. Geesh... that is SUDDEN!....one year and no contact? ...uhmmm... you're right...it could be interesting to KNOW the details.... as a BS, we are often quite curious about WHAT goes on in fogland! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ...as another one of WS's comment that really blew me away...was him comparing A with OW to Romeo and Juliette...and they were fighting society trying to keep them apart... ..WHAT??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />...'society' being the family he CHOSE to have, a wife he CHOSE to marry and boys he CHOSE to have.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />... I didn't think of it at the time...I should have asked...exactly when was he intending to STAB himself to DEATH? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> (BTW....WS is a profession....uhmmm...theatre ACTOR! ...I guess the drama..on STAGE....wasn't enough for him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) ...please hold down the laughs to a roar! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> ..it was one of those many times that I had lightbulb moment, telling myself: what the ****** am I doing in the middle of this MESS!???!! ....but then I was TOO paralyzed from the SHOCK <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />....I was not able to ACT for while...believe me.... WS made it really EASY for me to want to chose PLAN B.... my 'mental health' was at risk! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> ....I suspect, IF you earn the 'F' in FWS, these are the kind of comments you WISH you hadn't made! Can't say I blame you. It would be the last straw for me too. That's just so "in your face" if you know what I mean. I sure wouldn't want to move into your apt if I were her. That's just wierd. ...yeah...well....I try to see it as another, of the many ways, that WS and OW to want to 'legitimize' the A.... I guess now you can see why PLAN B is a 'life saver'....where I don't have to DEAL directly with WS! ...it helps... A LOT! No probs, CL, chat away...
Last edited by lunamare; 02/21/08 12:19 PM.
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...as another one of WS's comment that really blew me away...was him comparing A with OW to Romeo and Juliette...and they were fighting society trying to keep them apart... Well, he's got it pretty accurate, as he is acting like a 14 year old boy, isn't he?
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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Hi SL, Well, he's got it pretty accurate, as he is acting like a 14 year old boy, isn't he? ...that, too, came to mind... DS17 at the time was into 'his first love'....I figured WS may have been jealous....and wanted to 'relive' HIS first love..... fogetting that he was the dad NOW! ...apparently, often, this is how men deal with mid-life crisis...rather than 'grow up' and be the adult.... they regress and choose to want to 'relive' their adolescence...AGAIN! ....as the correspondence I came across from OW on D-day certainly 'matched' those DS17 was getting from little girlfriend (which DS17 proudly showed me....himself!) OH LORD!.... don't get me started... I have some real doozers that came out of WS's mouth! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
XBW
DS16 & DS22
PLAN D: finalized!
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Hi everybody,
I seem to have found a resource in town who seems to have a good understanding of the devastation related to affairs.... has in fact written a book.... got an appointment for April.... I guess clients are not hard to come by these days!
I decided I could use the additional support to help me through the plan D process...at the emotional level...
As I said....I went to PLAN B because I needed to... NOT because I wanted...for survival sake!....for protection!... and remove myself from what had become a very unhealthy and toxic situation of being part of the triangle with WS and OW..... two people who had chosen, at least at this moment in their lives, that LIFE owed them enough to justify becoming two very unsensitive and selfish people... and so the only SAFE place to be was.... OUT OF THEIR WAY!
...PLAN B was heaven-sent.... because it stopped the bleeding.... now I am looking for competent help, à la HARLEY, that will help me with 'healing' the wound.... as I expect dealing with plan D will also mean revisiting and reopening the very DEEP wounds inflicted by the A...D-day.... and having one's trust 'broken' by the one person from whom I expected it the least!
....WS came by yesterday for an emergency call of one our tenants that live just above me.... hadn't seem him for ages!.... it was a very 'quick' exchange....'open the door' bla bla.... nothing major... yet I senses it was still enough to get me in a mind-set that made me rehash ALL the losses provoked by A and WS's choice of OW over his family and M.... it is getting better... the 'triggers' set off were not as intense as they have previously been... and it may just FEEL it's slow....OTOH....it may just be normal... and I want it to go 'faster'!
....but....why not take advantage of a resource that could be helpful to me? ....I will see.... the thought of having to re-discuss my feelings with a 'competent' person on the subject who might be able to give me some additional guidance on how to navigate this very very painful journey in affairland...is reassuring to me.....
... WS-related thoughts no longer monopolize my mind as I have learned instead to FOCUS on ME and MY PRESENT and FUTURE with or without WS .....now my objective is to limit WS-related discussions to a 'few sentences' with my current support system (except the Board), and to quickly move the focus on MY projects for the future ... if I want to keep SOME friends AROUND....LOL....but also to further help me 'detach'...from my losses....and focus on appreciating what I DO have.... and what I want for the FUTURE!
...which is why if I can find another 'structured outlet' where I can count on legitimately having (pay) someone to hear me 'repeat' for however long it will take me.... until I am blue in the face if need be.... until I have run out of tears to mourn my losses... and also offer some advice.... WHY NOT?
...I have to thank SL and her move to attend ALANON meetings to get help that gave me the idea to check what 'help' may be out there that 'I' could use....
Thanks SL for that, if you are around... I don't know it this resource will work out for me...but in the meantime... I do find it ALREADY helpful... because I AM DOING SOMETHING to help TAKE CARE of myself!
XBW
DS16 & DS22
PLAN D: finalized!
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luna,
I think it is a wonderful idea that you get some counseling to help you thru this time.
You are moving forward with your life, and it is hard.
Perhaps once the D is final and your assests are no longer joined with WS it will be easier. You may not end up with as much as you have now, but at least it will be with less GRIEF attached, you will be fine. There are many with much less, but you and WS built things up over the years, smart thinking.
I know you never wanted this, any of it, but you are dealing in an awesome way. You deserve the best.
Never hesitate to get the help you need, and knowing that you need it is healthy thinking.
Love in Christ,
Miss M
me: FBS
H: FWS
Fully recovered
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because I AM DOING SOMETHING to help TAKE CARE of myself! This is AWESOME and you truly deserve to take care of yourself. YOU ARE WORTH IT. I hear your pain, for some reason it didn't register until this morning how hard this journey has been for you. When I read your postings to others I see such strength and wisdom, but the reality is you too have crawled for whatever successes and positivness you have. My heart breaks for your pain. One day.... this too shall pass and we will enjoy our lives once again but with deeper appreciations for everything that G-ds world has to offer.
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Hi Miss M, Thanks for dropping by. You may not end up with as much as you have now, but at least it will be with less GRIEF attached, you will be fine. ...LESS chaos...pain...destruction ...more PEACE and QUIET.... ...money and material possession was never my priority... ...just a necessity...to permit me to MARVEL at the human spirit...and all its complexities! Hi Queenie, I hear your pain, for some reason it didn't register until this morning how hard this journey has been for you.
When I read your postings to others I see such strength and wisdom, but the reality is you too have crawled for whatever successes and positivness you have. My heart breaks for your pain. Oh..yes...Queenie...I WAS a mess....and sometimes...still am! I learned my lesson.... I had given away my power.... and so...the HARDER I fell.... ...I paid my dues... ...my life NOW is all about... maintaining a balance... staying centered... being honest...moving forward from strength...not fear.... ....the sense of responsibility to NOT waste the gift of LIFE we have been given was the key to getting me out of the black hole I had allowed myself to fall into.... ...have the privilege of watching my boys grow... ...provide them with the security, stability, and guidance that they deserve before flying off on their own.... ...not be a burden to my family and friends ...and, yes...Queenie....considering where I WAS.... I HAVE come a long way.... ...in turning humiliation into pride...pain into joy.. ...LIFE is indeed a process...never static....which is a good thing! ...and am grateful that I can STILL be amazed at the limitless capacities of the human spirit... ...be witness.... ...share the challenges.... ...the victories and defeats... ...of our lives... ...HERE...
XBW
DS16 & DS22
PLAN D: finalized!
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Hi Luna,
You ARE an inspiration to those of us who aren't quite there yet. Just to be so patient and in Plan B this long shows just how strong you are.
Keep on doing whatever it is you are doing. And please, keep sharing it with us!
BS - me 56
XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 2,873
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OP
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 2,873 |
Hi CL, You ARE an inspiration to those of us who aren't quite there yet. Just to be so patient and in Plan B this long shows just how strong you are. Well...at the very least... I am proof that not only can a BS survive going into PLAN B.... but could actually get to enjoy being in it... LOL! Keep on doing whatever it is you are doing. And please, keep sharing it with us! ....one of the things that I am DOING....that is very HELPFUL to me.... is come here to SHARE! Thanks for the kind words, CL.
XBW
DS16 & DS22
PLAN D: finalized!
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