Papa,

I don't pump my kids about their Dad. They will go on visits with him and they will tell me that Dad got a 52" TV because they saw it at his apt. Or they'll tell me this or that about him because of what they see or what he tells them. Like he'll be going on a business trip soon to Arizona. I wouldn't have known that if they didn't tell me. I think he just mentions it to them in conversation. I don't think he's doing it to have it get back to me. Who knows, maybe he is. I want to seem interested in that they are having good visits with him, and listen to what they have to say. I do not ask them however specifically what is going on with him.

I had spoken to him a few months ago about pumping the kids about what is going on in my life and relaying messages to me through them. He doesn't relay messages to them, but I'm sure the kids tell him we went here or there and he is getting his fix of knowing what is going on in my life.

I told them what we do is our business, but they still tell them what they did last Saturday or whenever, and he knows that I was the one that took them there, so he knows what I do too.

I have a court order against OW, so kids cannot be in her presence.

WH NEVER talks about OW to the kids. Remember he still hasn't admitted it's anything more than friends or roomies. He did tell oldest a while ago, that it's not what everyone thinks.

Oldest knows whats going on. She's old enough (teen). Youngest knows Dad is living with another woman, I told him. But I doubt he understands it all. He's too young.

I know, time heals all. I never was a patient person though!!!!

I agree with hoosie in that if the kids are not talking about OW, then all other info is fine. Who give's a POO if he got a new TV anyway. It's just TV, right? Grin and bear it really is what you will need to do.

One place I do not agree is that you CAN set boundaries with your kids. It's a part of life and they will need to understand it. You do not want to talk of OW, or WH/OW R, not matter what KIND of relationship they have. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

If the kids are happy, then let them tell you that, that's good, you want to hear this. If they're sad, angry, ambivalent, meh, let that all come out. Eventually, you won't wince when you hear about the new toy WH bought, because it won't matter to you as much.

Right now, because the Plan B is a bit flimsy, you haven't gotten to detach. After some time passes, you will feel better.

catgirl, I am reposting what Lexxxy wrote because I think it would be helpful if you re-read what she posted.

Sure he is enjoying his life right now as he has OW, his own place and a wife who is being amicable with him. This will not force him to accept responsibility for his actions since he sees you as being fine with his current lifestyle.

Let him see what D will really be like. He needs to feel the consequences of his A as he can deny to you all he wants but will have to look at himself in the mirror. When you Plan B you help hold up the mirror for him.

Catgirl... I can also understand the kids tell you everything - my kids did and still tell me everything cuz in away they have to tell me who else would they tell... I mean they were 8 and 11 when their dad left they are now 13 and 16 - but still every little detail I get - I have told them over and over again that I am not interested or that is nice dear type of thing but they still feel the need to tell me.... It is hard - still honestly I am not sure if I have moved on... What state do you live in.. you can email - me if you want mimiw64@yahoo.com - I can truly totally understand and have lived this same exact situation - right down to the ex hiding stuff from the kids - never admitting to anything - always only being friends etc.. if you would love to talk off of these boards - feel free... but don't beat yourself up - like someone wrote before me they used to have bad days - now it is bad moments and that is so true.... so very true...