A WS is likely a well-practiced liar (comes with the terrority. I guess), but a FWS should not be. Not if they really want to recover their M. Perhaps part of the problem here is that the BS is not making it "safe" for the WS to be totally honest during recovery.

I think if a BS has to resort to interrogation techniques to get information from their (F)WS after the A is disclosed, then they need to seriously consider whether or not recovering the M is actually their ultimate goal.

I think more emphasis should be placed on learning the MB principles together and putting them into practice, particularly the ones the deal with "love-busters" such as dishonesty. Understand and buy into the principles, and gestapo-questioning would not only not be required, it would not even be considered.

I think the BS' drive to get all the details is driven mostly by fear and insecurity. I know, because I was there. I wanted to know everything that my FWS knew about the A, and I wanted to know it NOW, not at some time in the future when she might feel more comfortable sharing it with me. I will readily admit that a lot of this fear and insecurity was fed by my perception of her commitment (or lack thereof) to the recovery of our M. That perception is changing for the better, thank goodness. In any case, I've realised that it's more important now to deal with and get rid of the love-busters, and creating the environment where she feels encouraged to be completely honest with me. Resorting to gestapo-questioning to get the truth does not create that environment - it destroyes it.

MIM, I do agree that the WS should be encouraged to participate, but honesty about the affair is not a negotiable issue, it is a requirement for recovery. This is as essential as ending contact with the OP. This is a boundary issue for most BS, as it should be. This was on my deal breaker list.

My need to know had nothing to do with insecurity, it had to do with a need to understand my husband and to understand the environment of the affair so I could put it all in perspective. I had to know the details in order to come to terms with it.

And this is why a BS needs to know the details. They need the details in order to RECOVER and they are simply trying to RECOVER.

I say if one HAS TO resort to gestapo tactics to get the truth to which they are ENTITLED, they might be better off ending the marriage, since there will be no recovery anyway.