I found that some of my WW friends are helping her with things like photos to send. Do I confront them and let them know what is going on? The WW got angry when I talked to one of our friends. I talked to them because it was D-Day weekend and I needed someone to talk to. Now this friend is not talking to my wife.

I am wondering if I should let all my WW friends know what is going on? In short she is having an EA on the internet.

I took a big step last night and sent an email to the OM letting him know I knew what was going on and telling him that she is lieing to him. Not sure it will do any good, but it might make him see that she is not truthful with him.

Thanks for the input
Ron

is this clown married? If so, get his information and inform his W. Let your friends know what is going on. Expose to any and everyone that could possibly help bring an end to this A. EVERYONE! This is no time to care about your WW's reaction to you trying to help your M.

And that is bad???????????????

She got angry that you exposed her because she knows how sleazy she looks to others. This friend is not speaking to your W because she doesn't want to associate with cheaters and that is her right.

You should put a keylogger on your computer, having the reports emailed to another email address that you can access on another computer if needed. Then expose the affair. If this creep is married, expose to his W. Expose to your W's friends, her parents, your parents and any other person of influence in your W's life.

Has the OM responded back to your email?

I have decided I need to give this standard advice to every man whose wife is cheating, because they so often seem to lose sight of the goal. To my amazement, most men are TERRIFIED of an angry wife:

The GOAL is to END THE AFFAIR, not to avoid your wife's anger at all costs. If your wife is having an affair and DOES NOT GET ANGRY at you, then you are not doing your job!

Melody,

BRAVO! I think we are seeing two things on these boards. Either it appears a lot of men have a LOT to be apologetic for before the A started or these men have lost most of their self respect.

On second thought it just might be both.

Thank you for all the help. I am responsible for some of this. I did spend a lot of time with my career and ignored her EN. So this EA is partly mine. Yes I am weak as our MC has told me to not pressure her. Not really impressed with this MC but the WW will not go to another.

I do have a key logger on all the computers in the house and they come to my email address. This is how I know most of what is going on with her. For all of it you can read it in Newly betrayed forum.

The OM has not got back to me yet. I am wondering if he is going to reply to me or her. Most likely her. No he is not married, he claims to be single and not dating. He does not live in the same state as us.

I know that she has contacted a Divorce lawyer and wants to file for divorce. To my knowledge has not done it yet. My lawyer has advised me not to move out or I would be gone. I hate that my young children are going through this.

B, all of the claims of the OM are most likely LIES. So investigate whatever he says. I would have him checked out to get the truth. Do a search on him on peoplefinder.com and zabasearch.com and then call his house with your # disguised and ask for Mrs. XYZ. Often, these internet sleazebags are married.


Please find a MC who is QUALIFIED. Yours is not. The affair should be pressured in order to kill it. Most MC know NOTHING about infidelity and are not pro-marriage. Marriage counseling while she is in an affair is absolutely USELESS in the first place. They more often cause more harm than good.

Your best bet to save your marriage is to cause as much trouble as possible in this affair. If you don't, your marriage probably won't make it.


You are not responsible for her affair. She is 100% responsible for her affair. You are 50% responsible for the STATE OF YOUR MARRIAGE, but you can't possibly be responsible over something which you had NO CONTROL. You had no say about her affair so you are not responsible.

betrayed, try using Marriage Builders principles to save your marriage and lose this counselor. Dr. Harley has a very successful track record and it sounds like your MC is clueless. Here are the principles of plan A in a simplified form:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

I have read (finished yesterday) SAA. I am in the process of implementing plan A. Need to stop my anger first. It is hard but I think that I have made a good attempt. I gave her the EN survey and she has not filled it out yet. I will prssure her more tonight about it.

I need to know what her important EN are before I start working on them. I have stopped bringing up the past and started to inform her Friends about what is going on. I am in the early stages and need the support that is offered here.

I will look the OM up in the internet. To see if I can find anything out about him. I have his email address and I know what city he lives in. He also has his own website. Maybe a search on the owner of the website will reveal his phone number also.

Thank you all for the support
Ron

The OM is from Canada so most of the search engines that I have tried do not search Canada. I will try to get more information on him.

Thank you for the support

Do you have his full name, BIC?

What I would suggest is gathering all the information you can about him and THEN developing an exposure list. It is better to do it in one fell swoop to get the maximum impact rather than dribs and drabs that allow the affairees to recoup.

Good exoposure targets would be the OMW, his parents, your wife's parents and friends, and your pastor if applicable. But first, gather as much information about the OM as you can.

Is she carrying on her affair right in front of you? Or does she hide it? Do you confront her with your knowledge?

I have talked to all her friends and family. They all want to stay neutral. I guess I can respect that but at least they know what is going on.

I have his full name but not the middle name. What is BIC?

Yes she gets on the computer right in front of me and emails him. When I am out of the room and walk in she closes the program on her laptop. She is also chatting with these women online that are conveincing her that she is doing the right thing. They all know what is going on. These online woman are all on her side and they know both of them. She chats with him at work, at home and right in front of me and the kids.

I have confronted her with it all before, the emails, the pictures, the money and told her I knew his name and email address. Showed her the emails and the pictures that I had printed. Told her I was monitoring her email and internet use. Told her I had all her passwords to her myspace site and knew what was going on. They are "just friends".

This just made her change all her accounts and passwords. Deeper into hiding and denial. It forced us into counselling, and her lieing to the counsellor. Now I am not sure what else to do because she knows that I know all about it and the pictures. I have not told her that I am still monitoring her internet use but I think that she suspects. She put a piece of tape with hair on the lid to her laptop. Made me laugh! CSI like

Anyway not sure how much more I can confront her. I would like the counsellor to take a stronger stance. So far the counsellor less then marriage friendly. Maybe I need to get us to call MB counsellor. But I don't think that she will agree to be there.

Thank you for the input and I will do what it takes
Ron

What about disconnecting the internet when she carries on her affair in front of you and the kids? Just unplug the router and tell her that she needs to go somewhere else to carry on her affair. CArrying on her affair in front of you and the children in the family home is profoundly disrespectful. She needs to take it elsewhere.

Can you get the OM's home phone # as I suggested above and call his house?

I have thought about just removing the internet from the house all together. But that means that I can not monitor her keystrokes on her laptop. Her boss is ok with her using the internet as long as the work gets done. So she already spends 8 hours a day while at work online that I am not monitoring.

The OM is in Canada and I need to find search engines that cover Canada. Even though she has asked for his phone number he has not provided it to her on any emails that I have monitored. She currently has her own cell phone account because I was monitoring our joint account.

I have asked her to not use the internet while I am around and she did not use it in front of me for a while, but all that did was make her stay up late 3-4 hours after I went to bed.

This is a tough situation and until the OM breaks it off with her I am sure that it will not end for her. I also need to get her away from these other online woman that are filling her head with non marriage thoughts

Listen to Mel. I can tell you first hand that I let my EX WW threaten me with this and that should I expose her sleazy affair, tell the OMW, and much more. I admit it worked for a while. I thought I would push her over the edge. Well in reality she was already over the edge and what I needed to do was pull her back and not worry about her threats and anger. I finally did after being worried for some time about her reaction. In hindsight I would have been in a much better position to help her get out of the affair if I hadn't procrastinated at all.

It didn't work to win my Ex WW back but I gained a whole boat load of self respect when I started acting and quit reacting. I can tell you that now that we are divorced and I have custody of our son,she may not like everything I say or do (maybe none of the things) but by God in heaven she knows I mean business when I say something or promise to do something. If I told her a her car can fly she would file a flight plan. That's how much she believes what I say. It took me a while to get here and it shouldn't have. You have to help end the affair to have a chance at reconciliation. Do what you need to do and don't worry about threats or other venom coming from her mouth.

BIC, there are plenty of ways to get a phone #. Check directory assistance.

Good news...

I sent the OM a email informing him that she is lieing to him and told him the truth about what was going on.

Being a gentleman he wrote me back and wished me good luck and told me he was not going to email her anymore, have contact with her and removed her as a friend from his myspace account. I hope that he keeps up his end of the deal. But I have no reason to doubt him. I think he was just using her for pictures and money. When confronted by the husband he back down. I hope this is true and he keeps it up. I will monitor to make sure.

Hopefully this is the start of her breaking it off. I guess next comes her depression.

Ron <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Great job! It would be a stroke of luck if he actually did what he said, though. They usually don't.

I would still try and get his home phone # so you can call his house to see if he is married. Just think, is you call his house, that will shake him up enough to convey the message that you are serious enough to track him down.

Wow is WW pissed off at me right now. She came home and got immediately on her myspace and noticed that he had removed her. She confronted me and asked me if there is anything that I should tell her. I said Did Jereme delete you? Then she asked what I said to him and I told her that I told him she was married and we were trying to work on our marriage. That we had kids and that I wish he would be a gentleman and stop talking to her. This he has done tonight.

Her friend that is her is also looking at her computer for software. I think that she found it. removing it might be a problem. Maybe tomorrow I will get the divorce papers. The depression/anger sets in fast doesn't it.

Looking for his phone number

Ron