BIC, I wouldn't follow that advice to stop spying. You need to know what she is doing in order to protect yourself. Hang in there and keep watching what she is doing. Be strong and this will blow over!

You have every right to know what is going on don't confuse your actions with hers

Well the axe dropped tonight. She filed for divorce and had a restraining order put on me.

Now it is really really really hard to be strong

I guess I am joining papa as a divorced dad

what was the RO for and how long.

Don't do anything stupid... your not going to join anyone. Your situation is yours. You need to fight and document. You need to be prepared to counter whatever she does. You need to provide more information on your situation.

Look BIC - you really do need to calm down. This is nowhere near over yet. I hope you got your balls before you were kicked out of the house. Did you contact OM'sW yet?

This is a predictable and despicable tactic often used by WW's. Get yourself a tape recorder and see if you can get her to admit that she is lying. I am beginning to think that all WS's should be boiled in oil!
Sorry you are going through this. Get yourself a good lawyer and fight that order. Judges see this all the time. Now, if you have done anything to deserve the order....you might be up the creek. No saying that you cannot file one right back on her as well. You have proof that she is wayward... I suggest that you use it.
Nothing personal... but she sounds like a real winner. Not.

I don't like the way this is said... but BigK hit the nail on the head here. You need to toughen up. Get a high powered lawyer involved now!

No, you are not divorced and this is far from over. This is just your wife's punishment for interfering in her affair. She wants to scare you into complacency so she can get back to flaunting her affair in your home in front of you and your children. How dare you ask her boyfriend to respect your marriage and end his affair with your wife! Just who do you think you are, BIC?

BIC, get with your attorney and whatever you do, don't leave your house. If you leave your house, it will take a court order to get back in and while you are gone, she will be free to carry on her affair while you pay the mortgage and a hotel bill.

Be strong and defend yourself and your family, BIC. You are all they have right now.

Finding the guy is easy if he has a registered web site.

Get SamSpade - a program that allows you to look up ownership of web sites.

Larry

BIC,

This is far from over and the tactic she's using is typical. Right now, more than ever, you need to be strong.

I had people tell me when I was going through this that this is war and she's the enemy. You need to start thinking this way. I'm telling you you absolutely have to or you will be looking back in a few months and kicking yourself for not being stronger and not standing up for yourself and your kids.

She filed for D. So what? Don't make it easy on her. Make her do all the motions and legal actions. This isn't necessarily the end. People reconcile while going through this process.

What was the RO for? Did you do anything?

I would print out all her myspace stuff and take it to your lawyer.

Good luck. This sucks to go through, but you must be strong.

Man Betrayed for your children. Get yourself an attorney, prove that her RO was a ploy and lie and get a temporary hearing asking for custody of the children, child support, access and use of the home, restricted visitation (no adulterous boyfriend around), and more. Get with it!

The RO is to get me out of the house. Because I am angry and she is scared of me. I am going to talk to my attorney today to see if I can counteract it. I have to get out of the house today. It was a tough night last night. I still have not found my balls but I am going to get them off the mantel today and pt them back in place. I have spent this morning with the children and took them to school.

One thing that I need to stop doing is crying. I am an emotional person and this just drives me nuts. every time she talks to me I get so angry and upset I have to leave the room.

I did tell her to do all the work. SHe suggested this morning that we get a mediator? How does this work after she filed? I thought the mediator was before the file and now that she filed it is all lawyers.

Anyway she is hurting me bad. Talking to these online people, have convienced her that she is doing the right thing and needs to be strong. Kind of the opposite of what is going on here. I have a lot of work to do today, had to call in sick to work to take care of things. Need to get sleep, maybe calling the doctor today or an Advil PM tonight.

Thank you all for the help. What is my next step? Is it that I should go Plan B and not talk to her? Or should I stay in plan A for a while and be loving and supportive? I told her that I love her this morning and she said that I just think that I love her and I really don't. She has no desire to work on this with any other counsellors. I asked again this morning if she would join me on MB for a session but she said it will not help.

Off to make phone calls and appointments with the attorney and the doctor. May even call our MC again to see what she thinks we should do with tomorrows appt.

Ron

She also tried to break into my email and myspace account. I don't use common passwords or login so she did not make it.

Ron, the most important thing you must do now is call your attorney to get this RO OVERTURNED and get you back into your house. You don't even want to have to leave your house. If you LEAVE then this will be a NIGHTMARE.

I don't think you understand the urgency of the situation. CALL YOUR ATTORNEY NOW and have that RO overturned! Don't leave your home!

CALM DOWN and stop crying. It is impairing your judgement and making you look unattractive.

If you do call her, I would politely ask for your money back because she has done you a dreadful misservice. She knows nothing about infidelity and has only contributed to your wifes foggy entitlement mentality that has led her to believe she is ENTITLED to carry on an affair right in front of her husband.

p.s. explain to your attorney that your W is having an affair and wants you to leave so she can pursue it. Give him the OM's name and phone # so the atty can take this info before a judge.

I have been in contact with the attorney and have an appt for this afternoon. Hopefully she will calms things down in my head so I am not so much of a basket case. She did the last time that I seen her.

THe WW also told me this morning that things were improving in our marriage and that she was on the fence to making things better until I broke the promise of writing to the OM. I did tell her that I was not going to write him, and I felt that things were getting better until I did what I did to rid him of or lives. The OM has kept up his end of the deal so far by telling her that he is not going to get in the middle of any domestic squabble and he told her to talk to her husband. But she said that this was the last straw and she can no longer trust me and it has to end. She no longer loves me and wants to get me out. I suggested a separation but she will have no part of this.

The MC is more help to me then the marriage. She allows me to talk things out and offers me good suggestion on how to deal with it. Like how to talk and look at the WW with out being angry. Besides the insurance is paying for it nothing out of my pocket.

What do I do now? Where do I go from here. With her lack of emotion towards me and the not wanting to work on the marriage what is next and how does one bring that love back when she said that it is gone.

Ron

Also give him any copies of any evidence you have about the A. The OM, if contacted, is likely to deny that an A happened.

What reason did she give for not wanting you to contact OM? I'm just curious...because YOU AND US know that the real reason was because she didn't want the affair to end. She didn't want to have to face what she did.

Tell her the truth...that the reason you contacted OM was because you could no longer trust HER. That you knew that if you didn't do something, the whole thing was just going to keep going on. Make it clear that YOU know she realized that, but she just didn't want to admit it, perhaps even to herself. Tell her that you went to him because you knew it was the only chance your marriage had, and that there never was any other choice for you once the inappropriate relationship started.

Tell her it's not a matter of her 'trusting' you. It's simply that she is angry that you FOUGHT for your marriage. And that you're going to continue to do so.

Say all of this in a nice quiet tone...and if she yells, let her rant, but DO NOT RESPOND. And then gently go on as though she'd not spoken at all. DO NOT RESPOND IN ANGER. Talk quiet...which forces her to LISTEN to what you're saying.

It probably won't sink in now...but it will later.

Note...one more thing.

ALL of your communication with WW from now on should be just like I described above. NO ANGER. NO YELLING. NO RESPONDING TO HER ATTEMPTS TO BAIT YOU.

Simply talk very very quietly. Make her LISTEN to what you've got to say. The louder she gets, the quieter you get. Try it...it's amazing sometimes.

Ron, your biggest issue is protecting yourself legally and staying in your home. You DO NOT WANT TO SEPERATE. YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE EVICTED FROM YOUR HOME! That will be a disaster. Have you attorney do whatever it will take to keep you in your home.

Your W lied to you. Things were not "getting better;" she was having an AFFAIR right under your nose. Things were "better" for her because she could carry on her affair FREELY, IN YOUR HOME, while you sat there LIKE A CHUMP in silence and did absolutely NOTHING to defend your marriage and your children from her sleazy affair.

Your wife is trying to PUNISH you and SCARE you into stopping your interference in her affair. Do you understand this?

If you made a "promise" to not call the OM, then you made a BAD PROMISE. Tell her that the only thing worse than making a bad promise is KEEPING a bad promise. But promise her that you will do what it takes to protect your marriage and family from her affair.

Ron, I am concerned with talk like this that you will do ANYTHING to appease her. Am I correct in this assumption?