good job! I would suggest disguising your phone # with *67 and asking for "Mrs. OM." If a woman comes to the phone, confirm this is the wife of OM and then give her the facts, along with your name and ph #.

If they say there is no "Mrs. OW," then ask for OM. That would give you a chance to have a discussion with him to reinforce with him that you mean business with him.

Be strong, Ron, you will be just fine! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

you can try this one, too
http://www.canada411.ca/

Well she told me that it is over and she doesn't love me anymore. She asked me to move out and that we can not work on it anymore. She said that OM was one of her best friends and I ruined it. I asked her what are her plans and she said that she doesn't know.

I guess it is going to be divorce paper time

Why should you move out???

Ron - I presume her lips were moving?

Well you people were right the OM went ahead and emailed her. Not a surprise there. But she told him that she is filing the paperwork so I guess that it means that I am close to the end. I guess that I pushed her too hard and did not respect her privacy. I can only hope that Plan B will work better then the plan A has worked so far. I guess the DV paperwork should be delivered any day now. Hope this is what she wants.

Do you think that I should write the OM again and tell him that I know he wrote?

Feeling depressed and hurt again about my future with the WW

Ron

No I think you should find his wife and expose his [censored].

Why are you enabling this and listening to her fog babble?

This isn't the end. Not even close. But you will have to man up if you want to save your marriage and stop doubting your actions and lying down and taking it!!

There is a difference between privacy and secrecy Ron...Here is a post by 2long on that...


Mrs. W

I am going to disagree about contacting this jerk off again. Even though I would not have recommended you doing so in the first place... I would say now that you have, threaten him with exposure... let him know you will stop at nothing to make sure everyone in his life is aware of what he is doing. If he is married, this might scare him off.... BUT follow through with your threat anyway.
As far as your WW... it is time for you to get some balls here and stop blaming yourself for her actions. Your W is acting like a child and you are enabling her. Kick her friend out of the house immediately. Make sure that you speak to an attorney to protect yourself as I have a feeling your W will resort to lies to get you out of the house.... many women do. So, play this very carefully.
MEDC

Ron, you need to CALM DOWN. You very much did the right thing in contacting the OM and you very much did the right thing in snooping on her. NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO THE PRIVACY TO HAVE AN AFFAIR!

Your wife is furious that you are interfering with her affair. That is a good thing. She is threatening D so that you will stop interfering with her affair. She will threaten divorce, say she doesnt love you, say it's "all over," blah, blah, blah, blah..... Don't pay it any mind.

Just calm down and KEEP YOUR FOCUS on your PLAN. Your plan is to save your marriage by busting up this affair. That means that TODAY you call the OM's house and ask for his W. If there is no wife, you speak to HIM as I outlined above.

IF, and when you get D papers, you simply deliver them to your attorney and countersue for ADULTERY naming the OM.

And, in the meantime, you show this "friend, aka enemy of your family, to the door. You should NEVER host under your roof some old harpie is who trying to help destroy you and your family. Kick her sorry [censored] out!

Your biggest enemy right now is your emotional reactions to her every word. She is trying to manipulate you into believing you have done something wrong. Once she sees that you feel "guilty" she will use this as AMMUNITION against you. Don't hand her a loaded gun. STOP REACTING TO HER.

You are dealing with a falling down drunk and if you treat her words as you would those of a falling down drunk, then you will be responding correctly.

Ron,

This is NOT a sprint, it is a marathon. Also remember those are words coming out of her mouth not dagger's. Focus on you, if YOU want your marriage to have a chance to survive then YOU need to MAN UP, that doesn't mean that you go off the handle and threaten or manipulate or the masculine man up, but it means that you know every word she is saying is just words, you know when the fog is risen she will still remember what you did during this time, either she will see a wimpy needy clingy guy or a man she knows stood by and waited for he fog to rise. ITs then HER choice to chose, but also by then you would have created a sense in you that you will survive and be healthy and happy if she CHOOSES not to come back to you. So many have been in your position, I have been there so many times, its not easy what I say you will screw up, its a process though and she wont remember the details she will remember the environment, so yeah you might push too hard one time, retool rethink come up with a more refined strategy but never let up the pressure to save you marriage, in the end that is YOUR choice.

Steps;

1. No more doormat. Put idiot enabling friend to the curb today, not tomorrow, not next week, TODAY!
2. See an attorney and let your WW know that if she wants to talk divorce then she needs to contact him and if she wants to talk M then you are willing and able to talk and listen.
3. Expose this OM for the cheating, lying, home wrecking piece of crap he is. Expose to everyone that may know the liar. Do it sooner than later!!!
4. Continue to read here and take good advice and use it
5. Pray

My friend, I see so much of myself in you it is scary. Look, you're doing things correctly that I failed to do. You have a lawyer, just in case. You protected your finances. I didn't. You haven't revealed how you spy on her, I did.

However, the one thing I do see that you do is react to her words. She will throw all kinds of things at you.

First, DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE! She's the one that effed up, not you.

Second, do not make the divorce process easy for her. She's going to want you to make it easy. She'll advocate a no contest divorce and will use the kids as a justification. She'll say that it will save them the pain of the divorce process. This is nonsense. She simply wants you to make this easy for her.

I want to suggest something to you that will drive her absolutely nuts and really tick her off, but I so wish I had done this myself.

Cancel her myspace account. Since you have access to all her stuff, cancel it. This won't be hard to do since you have access to her e-mail. This will drive her crazy, but who cares. She's ticked anyways.

Also, absolutely follow up on contacting his W, if he's married.

Have you exposed to family?

I was very weak when I went through this. I cowered at her anger and retreated when she threw that anger my way. She threatened and said we would never be friends or be friendly and that there was no way we would get back together if I did the things I needed to do to make it difficult for her. Believe Melodylane! Believe the people that tell you to find your balls. Women have a way of emasculating us when we're insecure.

Finally, throw out her friend. She won't die or starve. Throw her out. I made this mistake with my ex. We hired a nanny who ended up watching the kids while my ex committed adultery. She didn't know this is what my ex was up to, but she was enabling her inadvertently. I should have sent her home to the Czech Republic. She's a great woman and took good care of our kids, but I should never have let her stay when my ex was at her worst.

I didn't man up and it cost me my marriage. If I had manned up and it cost me my marriage anyways I would look back and at least be proud I wasn't a doormat. I look back with shame. Don't make my mistake. Being strong and sticking to what is right will let you look back and be proud of what you did.

Good luck, and don't be me.

Thanks so much, Papaof3! You have been through all this yourself and can be an invaluable resource for him.


Papaof3 is correct. Rest assured that you will not buy her love by appeasing her. She will be only be disgusted if you allow her to run over you. Women DO NOT respect men they can run over! Our love is contingent upon the respect we feel for you, so when you have a notion that appeasement of a fogged out bully will buy you anything other than disgust and revulsion, THINK AGAIN! Women are not attracted to ball-less wonders!

So, don't be a bully, but stand up and be a man. Be FIRM and resolved. She is going to be mad no matter what you do, you might as well salvage your self respect in the bargain.

All I ask is that you don't think you're a special case and that appeasement will work with YOUR wife because the people on this site "just don't know her". This couldn't be further from the truth. If this marriage fails you want to be able to look back and say that you stood up with pride.

What did I do? I literally begged on my knees to please not do this. I'm very ashamed of that now in retrospect.

She would have likely responded to pride and strength, not the crying, begging, whining person I was.

Please, please, please believe the people on this site and follow the advice. Melodylane was trying to tell me back in February what I should do and I didn't listen. I caved and gave her a no contest. Don't do this!

Thank you all it was my emotions getting to me last night. I got a couple of hours of sleep and now I am at work, She confronted me this morning and told me to move out. I showed her where the door is. Her friend is out of the house. I still have to contact the OM. It is hard because I am at work but I am working that way. In mile 1 of 26 and have my stride going. I am trying to stay as strong as I can, but the words cut deep and I am bleeding. I will patch myself up now that I am at work and start again tonight when I get home.

Staying strong for this fight for my wife.

Thank you all for the help you have all been great.

WW did agree this morning to talk to MB counsellors if I pay for it. I am not sure that it will work for her yet, being in the fog but it might.

Thank you all again
Ron

That's actually a very good thing. She is more open to things than my ex was.

Brother, I feel your pain. I was in your shoes. I know exactly what you're going through. Being strong takes work and it goes against everything you're feeling inside. You want to cry, beg, plead. You want to smother and you want to find the magic words that will shake your WW out of her fog.

Trust me when I tell you, you can't. It won't happen. Nothing you say will be welcomed or received.

I was getting the right advice when all this happened to me, but I didn't listen because I was afraid of her wrath.

Good for you telling showing her where the door is. Let HER be the one to leave. Talk to your lawyer about filing a temporary order that makes your kids stay in their home. See if there is a way to guard them from her just taking them without your consent. If you leave, it could be used against you when it comes to custody.

Have you gotten the 180 list? It is important you follow it.

Try to find a way to let your brain override your emotions. Your brain is telling you the right things to do. It is your heart and emotions that are telling you to hang on to your W.

Your W is dead. She no longer exists. She's been replaced by someone who simply looks like her and is using your attachment to that W against you. Don't let her!

If you recover from this, you will have a new W and a new marriage. Hopefully it will be one you are happy to be with and are glad you stuck it out with.

I know it sounds hard when people on here tell you to grow a pair. Trust me, though, nothing is further from the truth. I so don't want to see you make my mistakes.

Go cold on her. Become a mystery. Let her wonder what you're thinking and feeling.

Right now she knows she has you at her beck and call. Take that away. Take away her control.

Please, please, please listen to us. Come back here when you need encouragement. We will be your cheerleaders and guides.

Communicate nothing but positive things to your ex. Say things like, "I know you're very unhappy with me and what has happened in our marriage but I'm committed to making it work and making the necessary changes to save our marriage. I'm going to try whether you're on board or not."

Keep saying such things. Let her know, "I'm not going anywhere and neither are you."

Finally, delete her myspace page! Please, please do this! Go on as if you have no idea how that happened. Just make it so!

Good luck and we're rooting for you.

Remember oscolation, even a dedicated WS will oscolate back to you and away from you, look at HS story he thought he was on the road to recovery and I think most recoveries have false starts, so you need to remember your dealing with an Alien its her boby but not her mind.

She will try to appease you as well making nice but you have to be on guard always

Being strong is the hardest part. My feeling are oscillationing and I want to tell her that I need her. But the 180 list is a big part of it. I need to start being happy and just moving on. This is one of the hardest. The 180 list also says to stop spying. I also need to do that but I find that I have the need to know. It is how I know that she is still with the OM. But if I am not spying I am moving on. I need to just let go and see where it falls and be strong for the children and show them a good time.

Thanks for the input. I am heading home to see what she did today.
Ron