Owl, just an fyi, but his WW was openly carrying on her affair in front of him and the children over the internet and the phone. She never pretended like it wasn't happening. Their "marriage counselor" told him to not "put any pressure on the affair."

Essentially, he has been enabling her affair under his own roof.

What we call this around here is: CAKE EATING!

BIC,

Oh, I so see myself in you right now. She is manipulating you by saying things like, "oh, we were doing just fine till you contacted the OM." Those are manipulative statements.

First, get a hold of your emotions. Your emotions are your enemy. If you want to cry, cry, but disappear. Go to the bathroom, the basement, outside. Anywhere she can't see you.

Second, every time you get angry and want to yell at her think about the fact that doing so will justify her RO and she will use it against you. This is now a legal game and every move counts.

Third, your wife is dead. Your marriage is dying. There's hope of resucitating it, but you must get a hold of your emotions and do the tough love. She will cringe and flinch when she sees that this isn't going to be some quick battle and you're not just laying down.

Fourth, keep up the plan A as long as you can.

Fifth, don't get kicked out of the house! You didn't ask for this. You shouldn't have to leave your home.

I went through exactly what you're going through. Exactly except for the RO. She is manipulating you when she says things like, "we were doing well until you (did something she didn't like)."

That's tough love. Keep it up. It feels wrong because she tells you that it is pushing her away, but trust me, it is manipulation.

My ex was furious that I would spy on her.

Look, at this point, what do you have to lose by being strong? She's filed for D.

Let her do the work. If she wants a mediator, let her be the one to find one. When you go, drag your feet. Don't let her take anything.

I gave in and would tell her things like, "keep everything, I don't care. I just want my marriage and my family back!" All while crying.

Don't cry in front of her any more.

I've been through this. I lived what you're going through. Trust me when I tell you that you will regret acting weak a few months from now if you don't follow our advice! Trust your lawyer. She has the emotional separation to think for you. Let her do so and listen!

Good luck. It is a dark road ahead of you, but continue to be strong. Tell her you will work on the marriage but you refuse to go along with her demands for divorce. Everything on that line will be her work to do. You won't participate willingly and all you will participate in is the saving of your marriage.

Take care.

WW still says that they were just friends and nothing was going on. I asked her to explain the letters signed XOXO and the pis of her in the underwear. She still claims that there was nothing going on. That doesn't explain the OM action of not talking to her anymore.

I told her that I no longer trust her and she responds with she can't trust me either. Because of the action that I have taken, reading her email, monitoring her computer, opening my own checking account with money from the joint account and the final thing was the lie that I would not write him.

Most of the time that I talk to her I remain calm and just try to talk. But she then cuts me off spins my words a different way and gets angry and stops listening. I then just remove myself from the room for a while and come back in a few minutes and start over. I do have angry outburst on occasion and am working on stopping those.

I guess it is now in the attorneys hand for a little while. I hate what she is doing to the family and to me.

Working on this marathon but do not see the finish line and I am way behind in the pack of runners.

I guess it will work or it won't and I can only be loving and caring and not fight with her. I know she doesn't love me and wants me out of her life. So right now there is no hope in saving this. That is what I see but I am going to keep working on the save part and maybe after we start the process and she sees what the outcome is going to be.....

But right now she has support from her Mom both financially and emotionally. She said that her mom gave her $10,000 for the attorney fees.

Thanks MIL for helping keep us together.

Wish I could see the future

Ron

Thanks Mel...good point.

The basic premise still applies tho. He couldn't trust her to end the affair...so he took the measures he felt were needed to do so. He should just tell her that point blank and be done with it.

And you're right as usual...this is all straight by the book WS script.

I just want things to get better. I am tired of the pain in my chest, the pain in my head. The pain at work and the pain of coming into this house, the pain that it is causing the children. So you are in a way correct. If I could make the pain go away. That is the balls everyone is talking about, mine are in pain. I don't really want to appease her I just want her to give the marriage a try and right now I do not see her wanting to help the marriage out. She has told me she has no desire to contine on with me. I am shut out of her heart. How do I open it and get back inside or can't I.

Ron, be assured if that she was not very emotionally invested in this affair, that she would not have this reaction. Nor would she mind you snooping on her. She would WELCOME the opportunity to prove her innocence.


Almost all WS' say they do not love their spouses. It means nothing and certainly does not mean your marriage can't be saved.

Papa,
Thanks for the advice. I will and have left the room when I start to cry. I will continue to do this. I will take Melody advice and drag my feet going into the mediator. I am making her do all the foot work and get one. I have told her that I do not want a divorce and that I want to work on the marriage and I get the marriage is over and we need to move on. I keep telling her that I do not want to move on I want to work on the marriage. She told me that I should have listened to her years ago when it started to fall apart. Now she has reached the end and it is over. I told her that I wanted the years that she has had to decide that it is over. Not the month that she has given me.

Thank you for providing me with your insight into wht you did wrong. Hopefully I will make the proper strides and save this.

Ron

Ron, don't even go to the mediator unless you are COURT ORDERED. If you go otherwise, then that is just cooperation. Don't cooperate. A mediator's purpose is to MEDIATE A DIVORCE. You do not want that. Tell her thanks, but no thanks. You are not interested in divorce.

Are you prepared to instruct your attorney to get this RO overturned so you don't have to leave your home?


Please stop listening to her fogged out affair talk. This is what they ALL SAY when you interfere their affairs., It is designed to STOP you from interfering. Treat her as you would a FALLING DOWN DRUNK. Don't take her seriously and don't try to reason with her.

If you will treat her as a falling down drunk and stop reacting to her fogged out cruel words, you will calm down.

Mel,
Thanks I am off to see the attorney. Hope she will have some news for me. If I don't go to the mediator how does she get the court order? I will talk to my lawyer about this.

Thanks
Ron

Ron, the goal of an attorney is to facilitate an AMICABLE DIVORCE. You do not want a divorce and you do not want to make this easy for her. Jsut keep this in mind and tell your attorney what YOU WANT. She works for you!

Let any "mediating" be conducted between your attorneys. That is their job. It is not your job to COOPERATE!

Friend,

I sense you're listening, and I applaud you for that. This is the most horrible and difficult thing you will ever go through, but you're doing the right thing with how you're handling it.

Do not fall for any of her manipulation. She wants you to make it easy. Keep doing what you're doing and keep listening to us.

Don't give her ammunition she can use against you. By this I mean don't cry in front of her, get angry or threaten. She'll try to use this against you.

You will be your own worst enemy in this process.

Document like crazy. This site is decent in terms of keeping a journal, but I recommend going to www.divorcesource.com and use their divorce calendar feature to keep a log of things.

Good luck. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how terrible it is.

Real simple advice. Get an attorney to deal with fogged out WW and her sh*t. He/She needs to one mean SOB when it comes to divorce. If your WIFE shows her face and wants to discuss marriage then you talk to her with LBing, DJing, etc and begin to use the MB principles to help her.

The wife just came home and said that she is willing to work on this after she got done talking to her lawyer. She stated that I we need to be apart for this to work out. I know I am not allowed to leave the house but what other plans can be made? I work 12 hour days and can not take the kids back and forth from school so she need to handle that. But how about I offer her an apartment?

I need to talk to my lawyer about this in about an hour. to see what the options are. So there is still a little hope in my marriage. Need to stay strong!!!! and not let this sway my thinking

She also offered to go to my parents house for T-giving. I was taking the kids anyway without her. Now she wants to go. Hmm another ploy?

Keep on a strong face and keeping my balls with me.

Ron

No, you don't need to be apart for this to work. You can't very well on a marriage if you aren't THERE. Tell her no thanks to that idea. And don't give her any money to move out.

Please tell me you are not agreeing to this.

As I said, you cannot work on a marriage when you are living apart.

Nobody moves out so they can "work on the marriage".

If you help her move out, you may as well save yourself the trouble and just call your divorce lawyer now.

Repeat after me: SHE WANTS TO MOVE OUT SO SHE CAN SCREW HER BOYFRIEND IN PEACE.

Do you really think that helping her move out will help your marriage??? Women DESPISE men who simply stand there and let them run to another man and don't lift a finger to stop them. And that's exactly what you're doing.

If you want a divorce, then be a sweetie like she wants you to be. Help her find a place and help her move in and help her pay the rent.

If you want a chance at saving your marriage, then do NOTHING to help her move and don't allow one penny of family money to go towards her little love nest.

Dude - what are you THINKIN' here? Have you heard nothing anyone has said???
Mulan

heheheee you're the man, Ron!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Definitely do NOT subsidize her lifestyle while she screws her boyfriend.

What did your lawyer say about getting the RO lifted?

Well it all went well at my lawyers office. She found out that she has not filed the RO or papers for divorce. I thought for sure that I would be getting the RO today.

I was just babbling out loud about the apartment. She told me again that she wants me out of the house and I told her that I am not leaving because we can not work on things if I am gone. I did show her the door if she wants to leave and she said that she can't because of the kids. Hmm but it is ok for me to leave the kids???

WW also told me that she HAS to go to my relatives next week to protect the kids. I asked if she was afraid I might take them. SHe said that I was suicidal? Not sure which of her online "Friends" told her that.

She is soooooo angry tonight that I can not even talk to her. She is physically shaking on the couch in anger I am not going to be in the same room as that devil woman.

Not sure how long it will take but I doubt at this time that she is going to come around anytime soon.

Staying strong and relaxation techniques taught me by my attorney. WHo really likes Willard Harley

Ron

.

uh oh, looks like her little manipulation tactics didn't work!! WHOOPS!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Way to stay strong and firm, my friend! Do you see how this is all SMOKE AND MIRRORs designed to scare you into submission? And you are not falling for it. So just stay strong and don't let her bully you. You have to be there for your kids and aren't going anywhere.

You are doing JUST FINE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />