If she is using wireless you might be able to access your router to see where she's been. I believe it logs the sites visited. Does that comp have the keylogger on it?

Don't cave on the cell phone thing. You can tell her that people without secrets have nothing to hide.

Well I have to confirm this with my lawyer tomorrow but she is telling all her friends online that she filed the papers. Her lawyer also said that she can not make me get out of the house unless I hit her. Well I have not done that. So I have to call my lawyer tomorrow and find out if she did file or not. They can look it up on the computer. This will really piss me off.

No I understand why she is being nice to me. It is not to work things out it is to easy the pain when the papers come. But I am still not leaving even with papers in hand. My Attorney will see to that.

I hate all of this BS

BIC, you reminded me of something that occurred to me today while thinking about your situation. You mentioned before that your W told her internet harpies that she had filed for D and a RO. I think she is lying to them because this is what they want her to do and she wants to please them. If she is lying to her friends to keep them pleased, then this will soon begin to cause conflict between them. Telling them such a big lie will be very hard to maintain and will create a wedge.

Why do you think she is telling the truth today about filing when she wasn't being truthful on Monday about the same thing?

But, maybe she DID file. At least you know what to do, and that is to stay in your home!

Melody,
I think that she is so full of lies that she is going to have a hard time keeping up with them all. She is lying to me and the MC and then telling a different story to her online croonies.

Tonight she told me that I have not been there for her for years and that is why she started writing Om on the internet. I told her that I will become the best husband that she has ever seen if she will just give me the chance and allow us to work on it. I tried to make small talk with her but she said that I was pressuring her. The MC told her to tell me this when I start probign too much or getting on her nerves. SO I backed off and talked about what we should do in Phx next week. Then she asked if the motel that I booked had an internet connection. I told her I am not bringing my computer so she should not bring hers. Lets have a family vacation away from the internet.

Thanks for thinking of me today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Staying strong and getting sleep

The Ws' are babbling junkies. Look she needs a harem to keep her stupidity going.

Go secure your finances immediately. Don't invite the WS to your room. It will get dirty.

Take the batteries out of EVERY toy in your home and vehicles.

If you are as bad as she claims, she s/b running out of there. Use that knowledge and learn how to babble back.

I got so good at RB (reverse babbling), it used to make the WS' head spin. LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

U can 2!

L.

I would like to get better at how to build the love bank back up. Now that we are SORT OF talking I would like to concentrate more on the love bank.

I know her top 5 EM are Communication, Financial stabilty, Domestic support, family commitment and recreational companionship.

If I can start concentrating on these maybe I can build some of that love bank back up that I have taken negative over the years. Right now it looks hopeless for us.

She has so much anger over wht I did to break off the Om that it sent me deeper in the red in her bank. Now I just need to work on getting the bank back into the positive.

So please help me with pointers in this direction. Still trying to save what is leftof the marriage and deal with her lies.

Thanks

Finances are secured. This is one thing that PO'd her in the last month. I separated all the checking and credit cards from being joint to just mine.

Taking the batteries out would just force her to put more back in. She also wants to change rooms with me. Right now I am in the master bedroom and she is in the guest room. She wants to swap rooms. I sort of agreed to this, but I still don't want to. I guess I will agree to it if she buys me a bed to sleep on. I am not sleeping on a air mattress.

Reverse babbling. So you have examples? I already have her spinning by being nice to her. She doesn't quite get it. Still blames the affair on the fact that I have not listened for years. She is right but I don't take hints very well. But why not talk about it now and get this on the right track instead of being in the fog and not dealing with it. I am trying I just wish she would. No effort yet on her side. Just pain and anger directed at me.

Thank you for the input

You could try dabbing some varnish or clear nail polish over one of the battery contacts... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.


Good grief - Plan A is NOT Plan APPEASEMENT. Why on earth should you leave your own bedroom? Just because she wants you to? Isn't she the one that chose to leave your bedroom?


The only person to blame for the A is herself, NOT you. You are 50% responsible for your M, but she's 100% responsible for her A.

Stop appeasing!

betrayedinCal,

Go to orchid's post currently up. She has a link to reverse babble on her signature.

Hmm varnish. I will work on that.

As for the bedroom. I am soooo tired of dealing with her that I think that I can gt better sleep if I have some of my own space. IE the spare room. Right now shw is walking in and out of the room and storming through the door. My God woman I need to get some sleep to keep earning the money. I am not appeasing her but trying to rest myself. I have a long battle ahead and I am already lost 10 pounds and not sleeping more the 5 hours a night. I know my marriage is worth it but I need to look after my health also.

I know I am not to blame for the A but I am to blame for the M. I will take that blame and that is what plan A is all about showing her that I can be the man that she married.

Thanks for that. Will check on the reverse babble.

I am not so sure that the 180 will work. Isn't those things what I have been doing over the years with ignoring her? Aren't some of those things the problem with most marriages or am I looking at them wrong. I thought the Plan A was to provide her what was missing and work on the EN. Not shut her out the way the 180 do. Maybe there is something to those that I am missing.

Will start reading the HNHN book tonight.

Thanks
Ron

You know.. .I'm sure this is all in fun and it is pretty comical to think about, I suppose. But, this type of petty nonsense isn't going to help fix your marriage. Maybe she'll never find out. But, you'll always know you did it and, really, is it worth it? It just doesn't seem like this type of "prank" is going to do anything but add stupid anger to an all ready tragic situation if she finds out. And, if she doesn't, then all you really did was get a little satisfaction/glee at her frustration/misery.

If she's using a vibrator to masterbate then that's better than her getting SF from some other man. If her vibrator "dies" then that doesn't mean that she's going to be willing to share SF with you for the sake of an orgasm -- there's a whole lot more involved for most ~people~ (not just women) than that. Orgasms aren't that hard to achieve.

Anyway, I hope you're just joking and you can roll your eyes and say -- gee, that lady needs to LIGHTEN up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> (If you are just joking.. then it is pretty funny to think about stuff like this sometimes but it's not always the most productive thing to do.)


Now this sounds like a much, much better plan. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just my $.02 -- I'm going to go lighten up now. *nudge*

Mys

Mys,
It just made me laugh. I have not had very many of those the last few weeks. So to think about her getting all ready to use the toy and then it not work.. Kind of makes me laugh!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sometimes you just need to smile and this is one time. I would not do it, but I can imagine what the expression on her face would be if I did.

I read another forum about the 180 and I think I understand now. It is not about what I have done in the past to her it is showing her that I do not care for her now. Kind of like she does when she states I do not love you, or rolls her eyes when I say I love you. If she is not getting the hug, kiss, words from me. This is what the 180 is all about. Not being mean to her but building the love bank and showing her how strong and non-clingy you are.

Wow BING the light came on today. I need to work this into our trip to Phx next week. 8 hours in the car in a 180 plan A.

Ok now with this 180... She stopped wearing her wedding ring, I am wondering if I should keep mine on. Because, I am still in this marriage or should the 180 thing and take it off?

Looking forward to a night of practicing the 180.

Keep it on. It is a passive way of showing you're committed to the marriage. Don't stoop to her level.

The 180 is about acting the way you did when you first met. Think of it that way. You didn't cling to her then, or beg, or plead.

It's about making her wonder what you're thinking vs ignoring her. There's a difference. Be present, but be more like a friendly roomate that speaks only when spoken to.

Don't think of the 180 as ignoring her. That's not what it is.

So, for example, on your 8 hour drive don't talk about your marriage. Focus on her, perhaps her interests, something interesting with your job, hers? Almost like you're just getting to know her for the first time. You wouldn't bring up heavy stuff on a first date, would you?

Hope that helps.

Mustang,
Great that is going to help a lot. Small talk as I like to call it.

She has said that she wants to see that new Russell Crowe movie. Should I take her? It is a chick flick and would fit into the Recreational emotion? I could get my sister to watch the kids while in Phx.

I was really quiet when I got home. Played with the kids and watched cartoons. Only gave her small yes and short answer responses. Didn't even ask her about her day or tell her goodnight. She did come in the bedroom and say goodnght to me.

She is still telling all her ONLINE croonies that it takes about 2 weeks in Cal for me to get served and that she did file. I guess I will just have to wait and see

I will leave the ring on. Not stooping to her level.

It is funny right now she is putting more air in her air mattress because it has a leak in it. I offered to patch it but she said that it will be ok. SO every night she pumps it up and then sleeps in a hole by morning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> makes me smile knowing she is suffering a little.

Thanks again

DO NOT GIVE HER YOUR BED

Hard to say about the movie. She brought it up, so that's a good thing. I say go for it. But when you're there, and this will be hard, don't try to hold her hand.

I can tell you now you will go through something in the movie unless you prep yourself for it.

You will sit next to her the whole time and be hoping, wishing, starving for her to reach over and grab your arm, hold your hand, lean in.

Don't you do it! Don't be the first one to do it. Let her initiate it.

It sucks. I was there. You want to feel that she wants that affection.

Do your best to sit there and enjoy yourself. Remember, you're pretending to be on a first date or that you're just starting out and are still trying to figure this woman out. Let her give you the signals that she wants you to hold her hand or put your arm around her.

Prepare yourself mentally for it and go in with the attitude that you don't expect her to show you any affection. That will prepare you and keep you from being disappointed if she doesn't. I remember being in a movie with my ex and trying over and over to hint to her I wanted to hold her hand. Mid-movie I thought to myself, "why am I groveling? Just let it go and enjoy the movie!"

It's one of the few times I showed any backbone. I retreated from the other times.

As far as this bed thing goes, does she know she can just come back if she wants? Would you let her?

If SHE takes the initiative, let her. Just don't let her throw you out of your bed or your room.

Keep it up.

As far as whether or not she's filed, who cares. Let's say she did. The divorce process is so long that filing means nothing. Again, drag your feet and do nothing. Make it last as long as possible. Time is your friend. It's what will hopefully get her to come out of the fog if you continue to be strong and good.

We can't promise you anything here. All we can do is hope the fog lifts before it's too late. But this epiphany that we hope you have or at least pretend you do is what will make her be attracted to you again.

Start socializing. For example, if a group of people are getting together and you want to go, go. Ask her if she'd like to join you. If she doesn't, go anyways.

Enjoy your trip. I hope it goes well and you guys can reconnect.

BIC, the reason we don't want you to give up your bed is because you would be protecting her from the consequences of her choices. She should suffer the full force of her decisions. If she wants to sleep seperately, then she should be the one to sleep on the damn floor. You should not be punished for her decisions.

So, tell her you have changed your mind, you have grown quite partial to your own bed. And you would love to have her join you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ok I will see if my sister will watch the kids and take her to an afternoon movie as friends. I will get separate sodas and popcorn. I will expect nothing and more then likely get nothing from her.

Yes I have invited her back into the bed more then once. SHe refuses and I told her that the door is always open if and when she wants to join me. I sort of told her the other night that I wanted to stay in my bed and she huffed FINE!

I am in the same boat about the filing. If she did I will get the paper and then talk to my Attorney. If she didn't that just means tha she is sort of willing to work on it and is lying to the people online. So what ever happens happens and my feet are so heavy I can hardly lift them to walk. Draggin them along.

Socializing. I am a Free Mason and I have decided that I am going to start going back to the lodge as much as I can. Gets me away from the house at night while she is doing the online thing. Plus the boys at work always want to go out for drinks after work. Hey I can't have the drink because of the lexapro but I can drink water. I think that the lexapro is starting to work better also. Been on it for 4 weeks now and mood is feeling much better. Have you noticed that I am not as depressed in my messages? I don't feel so down either and a lot stronger and my head is in this now and not so much of my heart.

Thank you all for the input.

Back later