Darn it was hard to maintain today so far.

She ask me why I am being so distant with her.
Her words: One week I am smothering her and the next not giving her the time of day and being cold.
My words: I am just giving you what you asked for. For me to give you room
Her words: Isn't there a happy middle?
My Words: I am not sure what you want from me
Her words: You know what I want I want some time away from you to miss you
My words: You know I can't leave so I am giving you what you want only with my body in the house
Her words: I won't tell the lawyer that you abandond the kids you just gave me space for a few days.
My words: Why don't you go to your moms for a few days while I am off. I will tell them you didn't abandon the kids
Her words: I can't do that
My words : Why can I leave then?
Her words: I guess you know what I am going to have to do
My words: I think that you have done that already
Her words: I haven't but I am going to have to unless you leave for a week. I am only asking for 1 week with out you in the house.
My Words: I am off until Friday. GO to your Moms until then and I will take care of the kids and the house
Her words: You need a hobby
My words: I have one. Wood working but you won't tell me what kind of cabinets that you want in the kitchen
Her words: I did last year but you didn't listen to me
My words: DO you have the pictures I will start today
Her words: Why are you like this?
My words: I don't know how you want me to be. I thought this is what you wanted
Her Words: Why are you so condensending?
My words: I am not I am just not getting angry with you and trying to remain calm.



Then I had to leave because I could feel the emotions. She has not talked to me since I came back.

Wicked Mood swings today. But she is noticing the actions of the Plan A 180. I don't think that she gets it.

It did enter my mind to give her a night with out me but she said that was not enough.

Thank for letting me vent a little
R

Mood swings again. She invited to take me and the kids out to dinner. She even chipped in half the money. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I spent the afternoon Geocaching with my BIL. He is really into it and it got me out of the house for a little while so I didn't have to deal with another mood swing. Now she is just being quiet and cold to me again. Kind of like the last week. Tomorrow I will e out of the house all day. Out with the guys at a football game.

Not sure what is around the next corner. Fog is thick and heavy here.

R

Why does she want you to leave for a week? What is all that about? The next time she asks you to leave, tell her you have no reason to leave and no intention of leaving, but she is free to go at any time. Since she is the one who wants to seperate, she should be the one to leave -without the kids, of course. Ask her why she wants you to leave.

If she says she "wants space" suggest she go in the bathroom and lock the door or clear out a space in the garage.

It sounds to me like she is plotting something and needs you out of the house to do it. It could either be a boyfriend she intends on bringing over or she plans on changing the locks on you, which wouldn't surprise me at all. That would put you in a position to have to get a court order to come back home.

She wants you to leave so she can miss you? WS babble zhitz!

Don't leave the house at all. You live there with your family. Stick to your plan and let you MIL know the WS may be sent over there because she is neglecting you and the children while trying to kick you out and that you will not allow someone to hurt your family as she is doing.

Expect the WS in her to get angry. When she does, give her room to throw her tantrum but do not fuel it. Take the children and leave. Report these incidents to the police in case she threatens to charge you with abandonment and neglect.

It bothers me that she appears to be threatening something and you are not being prepared.

L.

She has her space. SHe moved into the office. Air mattress, computer, other things (toys) and clothes. SO she has her SPACE.

I told her that I am not leaving and if she need that TIME she can go to her Moms and I will take care of the kids. Not sure what she is plotting but my Lawyer stated "Under No circumstances am I to move out of the house" SHe is a DR Harley suporter.

I am here to stay until I get the Court order to leave.

L.
I am prepared as much as I can be. I have a lawyer, my own checking account, separted all credit cards, living together but separate in the same house.

SO she just keeps throwing curve balls at me. When she starts in on it and then get angry with me I find other things to do with the kids. Even if it is just in the backyard.

Neglect? ****** she is the one that hasn't cleaned the house in over 2 months. Then she gets mad when I do it. Tells me I am throwing it in her face that she is not doing a good enough job. I just tell her that I am trying to help her out.

Not sure what the mood will be today.

Your attorney can protect you from this, right? Surely she can't legally oust you from your home?

You could have your attorney draft a letter clearly stating that it your intention to stay in the marital home, that you will dont abandon your family and that your not seeking a divorce... you can actually draft this up, give it to your lawyer, he puts a cover letter on it and send it to your wife. Puts her on notice and documents the fact that you are not leaving your home or your family.... I don't know how long you have to be gone for her to claim abuse and neglect.... If you can do more domestic things with witnesses, like friends over while you vaccum... then you can call them to testify that they saw you cleaning the house.

You need to realize if you haven't already your in physicological warfare, she is battleing you and her conscious... you may feel that you aren't backing her in a corner but she might be doing that to herself.

Child custody and get witnesses willing to testify as character witnesses for you.

Expect her to use the children as pawns. Do NOT threaten to keep the children from her. Document and get your paperwork ready. If you file for child custody, don't tell her right away. Work with you lawyer on the custody issue. This is critical. Most courts favor the mother unless you can prove she is unfit.

L.

No she can't oust me from my home until after the papers are filed. Then according to my lawyer I can get right back in because there has not been any abuse. But she can tell her lawyer that to get me out to begin with then mine just gets me back in. Not sure is that nasty but she is in a fog

Thank you all for the information. I hope that it doesn't get to the D stage. I hope it can work out in either plan A or plan B, with papers filed. If not then I have to go down the road and I have friends that can testify about my character.

So far the Plan A 180 is driving her up a wall. She can't figure out what I am up to. Tells me that I jumped from one extreme to the other.

As for threating to take the kids. I have told her that the kids are not up for grabs and if I need to I can take care of them even with my job. She took this as a threat that I was taking the kids from her. But now that I am not as emotional I have not even broached the subject anymore. Just smile and make reverse babble and small talk. Nothing more nothing less.

Thank you for all the strength and input. Keep it coming.

R

Once again reading her post using a keylogger She is now telling her friends that she will file for divorce but wants me to stay in the house for the Kids. She is planning on doing this In Jan. She also stated to them that she can not support herself and can't stand not to have the kids 100% of the time. If we lose the house and go our separate ways then I get them at least 50% of the time. SO once far away from the fence and now moving closer to it.

The fog is still there strong as ever.

I need to work more on being there for her. Meeting her needs. But it is tough still because she is not very accepting. We do have a Date on Wednesday, I am making all the plans. Hopefully she will stay away from talking about the D and R. I just want to talk about the kids and Christmas and the such.

Keeping strong but need to move from being so cold to her to luke warm. Trying to build that love bank.

MC tomorrow might be alone, because she stated that she couldn't make it. Now she wants to go. I told her she can if she wants but I thought she couldn't.

Thank you all
Keep me straight

I do live in Oceanside. Send me an email and I will tell you more.

There was no contact betweent the WW and OM for about two weeks. She tld him that she won some money (she didn't) and now he is back. During those two weeks she sent him emails and hand written letters. but the money brought him back out.

Yes she works part time outside the home

Thanks

We've talked offline and I thought I would post here to get others to throw their twocents in.

I believe, from the conversation you posted on here, that she is sooo confused she doesn't know what to do with herself.

Her words are exactly those said by mine. Have time apart to miss me, etc. Don't buy it. If you leave the house, she will use the opportunity to continue to pursue her outside contacts.

I think your situation is so similar to mine due to the fact that the other men she pursues are really not realistic pursuits in the long run. I've already told you that the odds of him being interested in her when he's a Hollywood type and has access to many young actresses are slim. She probably want the freedom to talk to whomever she wants to while you're away.

This is in violation of the 180, but the next time she starts saying how you're different and are inconsistent I would say this:

"Sweetie, since the beginning I told you I loved you and want to work on our marriage. That hasn't changed. I still love you and would like nothing more than for us to find our way back towards each other. You want space, however, and I'm willing to give you that, but I will not leave the children or our home. If you wish to do so, then that is your decision. I'm committed to our family and you're more than welcome to join me in that committment."

Hardest thing in all of this is to remove your emotions. In time you'll be able to, but for now you need to fake it till you make it.

The 180 is about letting the other person feel you're carrying on with your life, with or without them. The door is open for them to come back, but you're not going to be a doormatt.

I'm thinking about starting my own thread to get others to give me their twocents, but people don't remember who I used to be.

Good luck and stay strong.

Thank you,
I know and that is the important part. You have given me the strength and wisdom to get to where I am now.

She is back on the fence and scared to leave. Still wants her freedom but doesn't understand why I am not mad anymore. Flaunts the chatting in front of me and inturn I chat with my friends. I have moved away from her and doing my own thing. Still building in the love bank but she doesn't know it. Little things making dinner, complimenting her clothes, washing her car, etc.

I had a great hour with the MC today. Talk about Dr Harley and his principals. She stated that I am doing everything right. I should keep up with what I am doing and just provide her with the emotional needs that she is seeking. To take little steps with her and not be to aggressive. Time will tell when she is ready for me again.

Tomorrow night is a date night that she asked me out for. No kids just the two of us. I will be pleasant and strong. No anger, or Divorce or Relationship talk. Just good times.

Please start your own thread. You are a great coach and have helped me a lot.

Well last night we went on our first date, she asked me to go out to dinner and I agreed and made all the plans. It was a nice night and we had a great dinner with lots of conversation. She talked in a normal tone to me and we didn't talk D at all.
I did tell her that I am changing and she should allow me the opportunity to show her that I can provide her with the EN. She said that it was too late and she hasn't loved me for a long time. (anybody heard this one before). I also said that I am being a better Father, and she did say that I have been a better father lately.
The rest was a lot of chitchat about the kids. I did give her some Roses, after all it was like a first date .

But this morning read the keylogger and to my surprise, or not, she was telling them a bunch of lies about how we were in a public place and I argued with her and a bunch of other things. Said I was crying and begging. I didn't. More fog speak. I think that she is in too deep with these people online to come clean and tell them that she really wants to work on it. Either that or she is putting on a good face for me and the D papers will be here in Jan like she is telling the online people.

Wish I knew which face I had and which face the online people are dealing with.

Is there anything that I can ask the MC to do to help with this? She is doing the best in the situation. Helps to talk to her and she has good ideas. Not a Harley cousellor but.

So in a moody situation I am just doing the best Plan A that I can. Staying strong and showing her that I am the man that she married 12 years ago.

Having a hard time today but I will get through this.

if you have not already done so, I would say expose her to her "friends" for all the lies that she continues to tell.
I would like to ask you... what are you getting out of this relationship at this point? It is possible that your wife is telling the truth about no longer being in love with you.
Are you getting any direction from the Harley's here? I am beginning to wonder if your W has some type of mental illness. She is obviously an adept liar to EVERYONE she knows. She also has no problem involving other people into this mess. Perhaps it is up to you to educate these people as to how things really are... so that they can either butt out or offer her some real advice based on what is actually happening and not the "story" she is relaying. There just comes a point when the truth needs to rule the situation. If it results in you finding out she truly does want a divorce.. I say its better to know that right now than a month from now. And if it is because she is just a compulsive liar that is having a hard time coming clean... well, you can help her with that.
I would disable whatever method that she connecting to the internet. If you have broadband or dialup it doesn't matter. You need to start making it harder on her to continue this disrespect towards you.

Esposing her to her online friends would not do any good. I am the bad guy and they would not believe anything that I told them anyway. They are taking her side at all times. According to her I haven't been here for 8 years since the last child was born. I was here but mentally did not get her clues.


Currently I am getting a lot of stress from this relationship. I thinks that she believes that she no longer loves me because that is what she is being told. Some days she shows interest and other days she does not. So what am I getting. I get to spend every night with my kids.


I haven't talked to the Harley's do you think it would do any good for just me to call?


I think being 45 she is going through a midlife crisis pretending to be 34. She might also be going through the change of life (menapause). I have asked her to talk to her doctor about it but she hasn't to my knowledge.


Same answer as above. I am the bad guy in all this so the online friends are on her side and exposure would not produce any results


She tells the online people one thing D in Jan then she tells the MC that she is not filing and is workign it out.



Disabling it for her also disables it for me and my support. I need the support from this site to help me understand what she is going through and what I need to do to remain strong. So I have temporarily disabled it but only for hours at a time. Usually when I am at work.

Thanks for your input.

BIC, she has backed herself into a corner here by telling her friends lies in order to keep their friendship. This is going to have to stop somewhere and you are going to have to tell her that you know she is making up all these lies about you and your marriage.

I would get this all out on the table and ask what her plan is for your marriage and why she is making up lies. It is time for some truth and some confrontation.

You don't have to tell her how you know everything, but I would just list off the things she has told her friends and the dates she said it. Tell her you have a "source, that will remain secret" that is keeping you very informed.

Perhaps you could even do this in marriage counseling and tell the MC beforehand.

I like the MC idea. That way we have a mediator in the room. It kind of makes it so she does not have to defend herself but also gives me a witness as to what was said at a later time. If needed. We are both going to the MC on Monday and when we go into individual sessions I will bring it up.

The source has been telling me a lot lately.

Thank you again for the input. Getting really tired of the lies. To the point of not spying anymore. But I know I have to.
Fixing dinner for the kids while she is off getting her nails done. Hmm what is more important??