ummmmmmmmm, you asked the WRONG PERSON that question!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am hoping your MC will have a way to introduce your information without making your WW defensive but at the same time convincing her that you do know the truth. Your MC will have to agree not to give up your real source. We want your W to believe one of her "friends" is your resource. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> That will ruin the group for her.

Think about this and we can talk some more later.

I may have to ask for a single alone session with her so we can talk this out some more. She would have to know all the lies that I am going to expose. If I get a chance I will ask her on Monday. But I think that this is a good way to go. Not letting on how I am getting the information but imply that it is someone that she knows online. A little birdy is telling me.

I think I still need to stop looking everyday at what she is talking about. I am really tired today from dealing with it. It is hurtful and stressful.

She is back to being cold tonight after having what I thought was a good night last night. The ups and downs of a WW spouse. I have to keep this Plan A going and love my kids to show them I care. It bothers them that this is going on. My DS told his mom that he did not want me to leave.

plan A is only going into its third week. Need to get out and do more for myself now.

Well it has been a little while since I updated.

I talked to my BIL last night and he told me that she is planning on filing for D in Jan. I guess I suspected this all along and was kind of hoping that she woudn't. Found out that my SIL gave her the money for the D, not one that I normally talk to. WW family is tired of trying to tell her that she is doing the wrong thing, and have given up talking to her as she has made up her mind and no matter what they say she is going to do this. WW has convienced herself that she will be better off in the end and so would the children.

We also went to the MC on Monday and it was same old stuff. She blames everything on me and takes no responsibility for it. WW told the MC that I treat her the same way that her Dad treated her Mom and she does not want that. So currently no matter what I do she thinks that she is going to be better off and can not see me in her future. I guess it is going to take the Plan B for her to come to her senses and see that she is not going to make it on her own.
I do have one question: She thinks that when we sell the house she will have enough money to buy another smaller house. How should I handle this? I know I am going to stall the D as long as possible. But what about the house. Do I want to say I want it and I will give her her half when it sells?

Tonight I am finally doing things for myself. First I am taking ballroom dancing lessons alone. Did not even tell her I was doing it. Last night I went a fraternity (Free Masons) meeting. SUnday I go out with the guys from work, and next weekend I have a Christmas party to go to alone and another day with the guys on Sun. SO I am off doing things on my own. I need to do more things with the kids but most of this is now getting me out of the house.

I am thinking of getting some Mental Health counselling on my own just for me. Just to talk things out with someone. Is this a good idea as I do not think that WW is involved or even cares about the MC we are attending. WW has already made up her mind.

Thanks

BIC, here is the thing. A WS in the throes of an affair says alot of things that never come to pass. As you can see with your wife, she talks alot of CRAP. Her talk of D in Jan cannot be taken seriously. The only thing you can take seriously are ACTIONS. Otherwise its crap. She might be "intending" to do XYZ, but it doesn't mean there will be any follow through.

I would suggest telling her everything you know and telling all your exposure targets about her divorce plans. Tell her you will be telling the kids WHY if this happens, and they will be told about her sleazy affair.

Don't keep this stuff to yourself anymore. Did you tell her you knew about all these other lies? This all has to come out on the table.

Additionally, you will want to have a frank discussion with her and tell her that you won't give her CRAP, except what a judge and a sheriff with a big [censored] gun orders you to give her. You will want the house [100%] and full custody with no alimony since she cannot support the kids. The kids shouldn't be expected to forfeit their home so she can get a job and move out. Perhaps she can get herself a nice room in a fleabag hote.

Since the marriage is being ended because of her affair, let her know that you will be countersuing for adultery and calling her boyfriend as a witness. Make sure she knows you have lots of evidence of her affair.

Don't make this easy for her and START discussing what you know. Bring this out into the open and burst her fantasy bubble, BIC!

Melody,
I don't believe most of what she says, But I do believe what my BIL tells me. But then again she told them this. I tried to get him and his wife (her sister) to put more pressure on her about the D. But he tells me that they have tried and she does not want to listen. She is not talking to me and her mom is not helping at all.

I have told her that I am going to take the kids 100% and she said I will not get them. I have told her that I know what she is doing with the OM. She just ignores all this. It seems that no matter what I tell her anymore she is just going to do what she wants. Nothing I say to her has any effect. When and if she does file D, I guess that is when she will find out that I am serious about what I have been telling her. Right now she just thinks that I am blowing smoke to scare her. So she has not made any movement towards the marriage. She still chats right in front of me. Flaunts everything that she does. Whines to the MC about how bad I am to her over the years.

I do not take it seriously but it still hurts to hear.

I have told every one that we know about her plans for divorce. Most are shocked and just say good luck. Most are not willing to get involved. Including her family. I do have one that is going to talk to her about it. But again I am not sure that the WW is willing to listen as she already has her mind set on what she wants to do. That is what bothers me about what you are telling me to do. I am not sure that if I confront her it will do anything. I believe that her ears do not even hear me anymore. I have confronted her about the OM and the pictures and the older lies. Yet she keeps it up, right there.

So again at this point what good would it do to threaten her with stuff if she is not listening anyway? I am willing to put together a list and confront her.

No, I have not told her about the other lies, back to the she has already checked out of the marriage. So what would be the point.

I do not believe that the Plan A is going to work on her at all. She is far from hitting the bottom and coming out of this. If the kids needs something I get it for them, if she wants to go out with her croonies she has me watch the kids. I will not let my kids suffer because of her. I have the means to take care of them and that is what is going on in my house. WW has checked out, no cleaning, no cooking, no caring, she cares as little as she can around the house.

Willing to do what it takes, but wondering why confront her with this now. I am thinking it will not have the needed effect. Or is it just my lack of [email]B@lls[/email] that is talking again? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

BIC, she is SUPPOSED to be checked out of the marriage. That is an expectation, not a signal to GIVE UP. The point of putting all her lies out there are to give her a dose of reality and give her a chance to explain herself.

I am not asking you make threats to her, but to PROMISE her that you will not make it easy. You are talking about cooperating by giving her half the house proceeds. She should be under the impression that you are not selling anything! You are not going to cooperate.

And i also believe your BIL and SIL, but that does not mean she will get a divorce. It just means she is talking and talk is cheap.

If you confront her with all this big talk she does, maybe she see how ridiculous she really looks. But, BIC, there needs to be some radical honesty here and you need to be talking to her about all this.

If she is carrying on her affair in a chat right in front of you and the kids in your own home, you should politely tell her to take her affair talk somewhere else and disable the internet. That is a boundary that should not be crossed.

Melody,
I did it last night. Told her that I know about all the things that she is telling people on the internet. WW asked how I knew and I told her that I was getting emails. WW then asked from who. I told her that I would not tell her and all I would tell her is that I am getting emails. This is the truth I do get emails but not from her online friends. She made the assumtion that it was one of her friends and now she is angry that I would not tell her which friend. I told her that I would not tell her and that she would have to figure that out on her own.

She also admitted that she hadn't filed D yet. In her Fog talk she told me lots of hurtful things. But I did not get angry nor did I raise my voise or cry. WW did cry and got very angry. She said that she can't trust me with anything. I am sneaking around and spying on her. I babbled back to her that she is the one that can't be trusted and that is why I have to spy.

She was really angry and pressured me to tell her who or how I was getting the emails. Said that if I wanted to be open and honest with her that I would tell her who my source was. So now that this is out in the open I am sure that she will be further away from me. She told her that I keep pushing her toward D. I told her that I want to work on my marriage and the thing that will end my work on the M is a judge gavel when the D is final. I also told her that she would not be getting any money out of the house. If it is sold it will have to pay for lawyer bills.

So to make a long story short it angered her that I exposed her lies. It angered her that one of her "friends" is telling me things. It angered her that I can not be trusted. It angered her that I am still spying. It angered her that I talked to her Sister. It angered her that I will not tell her my source and it angered her that I know so much.

So with all this anger running around the house I went to my Ballroom dance lesson alone. I had a great time. I am still thinking of signing uo for lessons. But when I got home from my lesson she asked me about how many women I danced with. I said not the one that I want to dance with but I did dance.

So I think that it was the right thing to do and I have my balls with me. I just wish that it wasn't do darn hard. How and when will she come out of the fog?

We shall see what today holds.

You did an EXCELLENT job, BIC and I am very proud of you! I guess you have found your balls! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You did not back down in the face of her anger.

The only way to ever reconcile is to get this truth out on the table. You ruined her little fantasy and all her lies and that is why she is angry. She knows now that life will be very hard for her if she chooses to divorce.

BIC, I think the next steps are to continue to confront her lies lovingly and do your best to avoid lovebusters and meet her needs. Love her as much as you possibly can. Do some being filled by her internet friends with all these lies and stories. Is it because she gets attention from all this? If so, do your best to fill that need.

I am hoping, though, that she will consort with these friends less and less if she believes one of them is communicating with you. You did very good not giving away your source. Radical honesty does not mean that you give up your protective sources when your marriage is under fire.

p.s. yes, she is angry, but it is for a GOOD REASON. If she were perfectly happy in the act of trying to wreck your marriage and family, then you should really have something to worry about!

This perfect!

She is going to drive herself crazy trying to figure out who is telling you.

PLUS...she will begin to question if all of her 'friends' now know she's lying to them and are just humoring her and laughing at her behind her back.

LOL



Way


TO


GO!!!



~ Marsh

Hello,
Well I got home from work and it is cold as ever in the house. She is talking to me but only when spoken to. I guess I will have to let the anger subside before I do any EN things.

If she is not talking to me how am I to meet her EN? So with her being cold I am not sure the converstation is appropriate. I have tried the Recreationalcompanionship, but she doesn't want to do anything ie I did the dance thing by myself. I am taking care of the family with family commitment and being better to the kids. I am supplying the Financial support. Not thinking that the SF is anywhere close, as true with affection. I am looking better, lost a lot of weight, 45 pounds this year so I working on being an attractive spouse Do you know how to grow hair? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> She doesn't think that I have been open and honest with her so she doesn't trust me. Domestic support I do what I can to have a good house. Admiration is about all I can do right now and compliment her.

Any other suggestions?

I am glad that I did what I did. So far tonight no computer from her.

Thanks

Give her some time to thaw out, BIC, sheeesh!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> If she still seems cold tomorrow, give her a nice hug and say "I'm sorry you feel so bad, honey!" SMILE Be cheerful and don't allow her DEEP FREEZE to shake you up. She will soon tire of it!

Be pleasant, pleasant, pleasant!

But, I suspect she is giving you the DEEP FREEZE to manipulate you into telling your source! DON'T FALL FOR IT!! [why are guys SOO susceptible to this classic female ploy??] Giving yourself up will not endear her to you, it will only destroy your best protection.

Are you dressing nicely and wearing good cologne? Do your clothes match? Do you have a good haircut?


She does not have the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back. You do have the right to protect yourself and the children as long as she plots against you. And as long as she is untrustworthy, you will not give up your source of protection. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Melody,
Thank you. I know that she is in a deep freeze. Brrrrr! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I think I will wait until Saturday to give her a couple days to warm back up. Then I will give her the hug and tell her that. I would also like to buy her a bed to sleep in instead of that air mattress. What so you think about that. Just as a gesture of friendship and show her that I care for her. I know that she is not ready to jump in bed with me this may take months. But she does have back problems and the air matress is not helping.

I know she wants the source but sorry no can do. I am not falling for anything. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Well not yet at least!

I have dressed nicely lately. Not when I go to work but on the days that I am not at work. I have been wearing colonge , I didn't use to. Clothes do match but I should iron them. Hair did you say hair? Oh not that was hair cut, which I had some hair to cut. I have some but keep it really short, which she doesnot like.

Thank you I hope this thins the fog a little. I know it is a marathon an I am still in the first mile but I am still running hard.

You are doing great!! But please don't buy her a new bed. Instead, encourage her to come back to your bed. Don't make it cozy for her in the guest room! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Find ways to endear her that don't interfere with your marriage.

Well, if oyu have a few hairs left, you are doing good! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

can you take your clothes to the cleaners so he can wash and press them? It usually doesn't cost much and clothes look so good when they are professionally ironed. That way you won't have to figure out how to work an iron and I don't want you to hurt yourself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

BRAVO!! I love hearing that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Tomorrow she is going to have dinner with some of her "friends" in LA. She claims that they are all females. I am not worried about it. I know she is back to hiding from me as her myspace account is back to hidden. No biggy. I will just provide her with a little EN and see what is to happen next. It is like Christmas every day around here, something new to come home to like a little surprise present.

Staying strong for the kids and not buying a bed.

I think I would invite her into your bed, with a "no sex" agreement. Tell her "Honey, I'm worried about your back".

Well I asked for a hug and I got a hug from her tonight. Not a I love you kind of hug but it was touching. She put an arm around me, not both but one. SHe also mumble I love you when she left. I did say it first against the 180.
Had some good conversation, with her after woek, actually talked about each others day. No short answers. I am not sure what she is exactly thinking but she does not seem to be so depressed. Might be a good sign or it might mean that she filled out the D papers, because of what happened the other day I made up her mind for her. Not sure. But the signs are that she is at least paying attention to me. Not being on her computer when I am home is a good start.

So I hope things are improving or it is just another bump until she figures out how to hide more things.

Thanks again

Is she on the computer when you are gone? Do you think she has left her group of internet harpies?

Melody,
No, she is still talking to all the harpies. She installed some spyware checkers to see if she can find what I am doing. I guess I will see if she found anything. But she thinks that I am signing on to her accounts and reading things there. But she is still talking to them.
She even changed her name on Skype so I couldn't figure that out. Guess the hiding is going to go on.

Wish I could figure out a way to stop the fantasy this lady is having about being 34 instead of the 45 that she is. Chasing guys on Myspace. Found a honest Christian wrote her tonight, I had to write him back and tell him she is not an honest person.