Owl,
Now those suggestions are carrying it a little too far. No need to be vindictive. She is using her Cell phone and the internet is wireless. I have played the password protection and changing the password on her. It pissed her off but all she did was plug it in to the router. This gets her around the password for the wireless. So no need to go that direction.
Her first air mattress got a hole in it so she had to go buy another. Might be a little to noticeable to have another hole in it. She has complained about it being cold in the room. Must be because it is a guest room and the ventilation is shut down in the room.
As for her toys... once again I do not need to be vindictive towards her. I need to bring her back on her own and with love not busting. She will figure it out and then just withdraw some of the work I have been doing to get her back in bed with me.

I need to stay the course and work on little love bank deposits and show her that I am strong and will survive with or without her. No Jealousy, No Anger, No Clingyness.


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Owl read my mind.

I took my kids to Seaworld (with the WW) on Saturday and to Church (without WW) on Sunday. First time back to church in over a year. So overall it was a good weekend for me and the kids. They got to spend a lot of quality time with good old dad.

On the other hand the WW did everyones laundry but mine. I did mine while she went to the beach with one of the harpies that is visiting. Oh well at least one kid stayed home with me today.

Tonight I also did what the IC told me to do. I asked the wife if she had any goals or plans for the marriage. Got the answer that we both expected: No. So then I told her that the affection is in her house and she holds the card. I will not, hug, kiss, touch, or say I love you to her. She has to make the move towards me. I also told her that she will not be humilitating me anymore as I will not be doing any couple things with her until she decides to treat me differently. My IC says that I get angry when she is humiliating me in public, and what angers me is the fact that she treats me bad in front of other people and they notice the way she treat me and then talk to me about it. Like the way she treated me infront of her family on Christmas and our friends on New Years eve. I also gave her an ultimatium: She needs to be 100% committed to the marriage by the time she goes to her Vegas Convention in June or she it will not be the same when she comes home. I told her before that I will change the locks on the house. but this time I just left it as it will not be the same as now. No threats, just standing up for myself. I told her that I can not live like this forever and it needs to start showing some improved commitment, On both our parts.

So too harsh? I did not yell and she had nothing to say back about it. The IC thinks that I am being to nice to her and need to stand up for my self some more. Set the rules!

We teach people how to treat us. I agree with your IC... I do not agree with giving her until June to start acting respectfully towards you. Negotiate the rules... but stand up for yourself.

June is the date that I will be moving forward with a DV and a plan B. She has to start being respectful before that. Showing that she is 100% committed to the marriage or I will proceed with changing my life for the better. It is her deadline, I will not live in separate rooms like roommates for any longer then June. After that I will make the change.
The IC just wants me to start standing up for myself and setting rules. If WW is not going to input to the rules, giving me the "I don't know" answers then I will set a goal for both of us. June is my goal date, and it happens to be when she goes to the Convention again, the same one last year that she met OM inperson. Not sure if he will be there this year but....

Setting goals and getting help. Being strong.

Stop referring to that date around her. Plan B works best when it is done by surprise. You can still have your plan B date, but don't go advertising it, and have it as a hard deadlines that looms in the distance.

OK...so my question is...what does she gain NOW by 'being nice'?

She doesn't want anything to do with you right now...she isn't interested in working on the marriage at all right now. So your 'threat' of 'things won't be the same here' in June probably isn't carrying much weight with her at the moment. There's no onus for her to change NOW at all.

She's set exactly the way she wants to be, from what I'm hearing. She's got her own little compartimentalized life, AWAY FROM YOU, all at your expense. It's not costing her ANYTHING...even common decency she'd show a room mate.

Bluntly, that's why I suggested the things I did. You need to start making her "seperate life" less comfortable, so that she starts feeling some kind of pain from her choices. So that she begins to miss sleeping in a bed, having YOUR companionship, etc...

Personally, I'd cut off the internet entirely in the house...and make it crystal clear to her that you will cancel ANY internet in the house. If she tries to get it installed in HER name, have it removed immediately. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR MARRIAGE.

And make it clear to her WHY you're doing all of this. And tell her family and any non-online person who's opinion matter to her WHY. Heck...do it in front of her.

Is her cell phone in your name? Are you paying the bill? If so...CUT IT OFF. Stop funding her seperate life!

This is all part of the 'stick' of plan A. Do all of this openly in front of her, and tell her exactly why you're doing it. And at the same time, take all the OTHER plan A pieces and work them too. Start doing more with the kids, start doing more for yourself. Try to include her, make sure she knows that your goal is saving your marriage and your family...and until she comes on board with that goal, it's HER choice to be on the outside.

Keep showing her you love her in ways that don't support her affair environment. Do the ENQ, and strive to meet those needs...but don't meet her need for a seperate life.

What you're doing now doesn't have the 'ummph' behind it to make her change her ways right now...and if you let her stay in the pattern she's in for the next 5-6 months, I can't imagine any hope for your marriage.

Hopefully you'll get feedback from some of the others with good advice.

I already told him to cut off the internet.

Cut her off from her affair!

Sorry but I am not going to cut off the internet. If I do I also lose the internet. Which means I lose my support on MB. So if she does not have it neither do I. What good would that do? WW is in NC all she is doing is chatting with her harpies, and I am not sure that they are even into her problems anymore. But why care, WW is going to do what she wants and she still has it at work.

The bed.. Well I sleep at night now and do not want a cold none caring person laying next to me keeping me awake at night. I want her to come back on her own for me. Not because she has a hole in her bed and sleeps with me just to sleep. I do not want a roommate sleeping in my bed I want a wife, lover.

She may have an internet addiction. There are internet cards you can purchase through your cell phone carrier that are wireless strictly for your computer.

Jim,
WW does have an internet addiction. I know it and she knows it. WW no longer sits all night on the computer. WW does not get on the computer until after the kids go to bed. She use to be on and forget to feed them. Now it is after bed time and never when I am home in front of me. She waits until the kids go to bed and then she goes to bed for computer use. SO she is only getting maybe a couple hours a day, not like the 6-8 hours from before.

She is in withdrawl on the OM and the computer. She of course get plenty of time during the week when she is at work. Her boss is an idiot and lets his employees use the internet as much as they want if they get their work done.

I have looked into the cards but they are really expensive. Not a lot of time for the price you are paying.

Thanks for the help

What would be your reasoning for Plan B? She is no longer in contact with her OM... or at least to your knowledge she is not. Sounds to me like you need to take one of two roads here...counseling (with the Harley's or someone else), or divorce. Waiting until June is not a great idea in my opinion. It seems as though there is nothing positive going on in your home that you have to build on right now. If this is just a matter of withdrawl... I would say, stick it out for a short while longer and don't place too many demands on her.
If I am remembering your story correctly, you have had a very hard time standing up for yourself in the past. You were having people staying at your home that were openly disrespectful to your.
If I were in your shoes, I would think that your wife needs a good dose of plan FU. She does not seem to be responding to anything else... and quite honestly from everything you have said about her... I doubt highly that she will come around without a kick in the pants.


I just got caught up on more of your thread. I would alter what I said and Plan A for a while longer... although June is too long. Meet your wifes EN and see if she begins to come around. And keep these so called friends out of your home. They are a cancer to your M. Consider the things told to you regarding the internet. The costs may be high... but she has a BIG problem that you need to cut off at least while she is in the home.

So I don't get it...

I don't see ANYTHING in your plan to cause your wife to suffer the pain of continuing her bad behavior. There's no reason for her to change. And the only reasons people change their behavior is to either get what they want, or get away from some source of pain in their lives. Think about it.

Please, explain to me HOW your plan is going to work to convince your wife to end her internet addiction, go through real withdrawl, feel the pain of not having you as her safety net, and decide to come back to you and really work on you marriage?

Again, I don't get it. Help me to see how your plan works.

BIC, Owl is right. You don't have a marriage. You have an arrangement where your W does her thing and you do yours. She is only there, not to be your wife, but to just garner all the benefits of a married woman without actually being one. Nothing will change unless you give her some motivation.

You are right I am not really talking plan B in June. What I am talking about is cutting bait and filing for divorce myself. She said that she was going to file in Jan and as of yet she has not. So my IC said to set a date for things to be 100% committed from both sides. I talked with the IC and agreed to the convention in June. He thought that was a long time but worked with the convention.

We are both in IC and in MC. Though the MC thought that we should just do IC and not MC I told MC that I would like to continue MC and IC at least for now. As long as insurance pays for it. We are jus tnot going to MC weekly anymore.

No online friends in my home anymore, They were here this weekend and they are not staying at my house.

So if I cut off the internet I am back to starting over with the love bank. I have seen improvement in her actions the last few weeks while I am meeting EN. Why would I love bust, and have to rebuild that bank. AS long as WW is making improvements what good does it do to love bust? If I do cancel the internet, she uses it at work, uses the phone line with AOL. Plus now I have to build the bank again. If I do not cancel it and she continues to make improvements and I still meet her EN. Why the pain? WW is improving ever so slowly in plan A. So why step back again?

So what is my motivation to cause me this pain? and spend the extra money on wireless online connection? Not seeing a reason for the lovebusting as long as WW is improving?

I can't force someone to understand something that they don't want to let themselves see.

You know why I'm recommending the steps I am...however it's easier for you to rationalize staying on the path you're already on. Last thought for you, and I'll bother you no longer:

Is the goal of YOUR plan to rebuild your marriage? Or is it about avoiding further conflict with your wife? The two are NOT the same thing at all.

Ripping the bottle out of the hand out of an alcoholic is NOT a love bank withdrawal. You won't be able to work on your marriage as long as there is an active addiction.

I believe all of you. This is something that needs to be done, but I think that it should be done as I am going into plan B. Right now I am making strides and the marriage is improving a little. Why take back what I have earned. The trust and love bank deposits are on the upswing.

I am not saying that this is something that I do not need to do. But being in a plan A and working on love bank deposits, this just seems a big step back. When I proceed to plan B I will take big steps to cut her off from everything. The cell phone, the internet, the house and what ever else the law allows.
Please do not stop responding to me I am just confused between what I am hearing here and what the IC and MC are telling me. This is in conflict with them.

This is why I am confrontational on this

You can cut her off in plan A. You don't have to wait until plan B to do so. It will create more conflict, but remember, conflict is better than withdrawal. Maybe you should give SH a call to see what you next steps should be. I've only got about 2 months of experience at giving advice, he has 20 years.

I am listening right now to the show. Have always wanted to call but not sure what to say. Maybe I will give it a shot. If not maybe I will get a session with MB.

This is hard and I am sure you know. You have been doing this about as ling as I have.