Does your poor son ever have time to do anything, you know, normal? Like, go out and play? I mean, seriously!

Sorry... /hijack

TheRougueX,
Exactly my point. When I took him to soccer this fall, I'd bring along his two younger sisters who would have a great time playing with the dogs that had been brought by some of the player's parents, rolling down hills, etc. I thought the only value was for them, not for him.

He is much less creative than his siblings. No wonder. He's either in structured activities or on the computer or watching TV.

Here is where the POJA comes into play. Are any of these activities bad? No. They're all good. The problem is that it displaces other things.

My husband has brought up that I don't like transporting him, that the real problem is he has three sisters. There's truth to that, of course. I don't like being in a car all afternoon and evening. BUT the real problem is that he's not doing other things.

With the visual infidelity issue, she is uncomfortable with his watching certain types of movies. If the discussion goes toward the validity of her feelings, she needs to defend herself. It may be that she comes to recognize that there is no problem with his watching these movies. It may be, simply, that she wishes he'd spend more time with her.

That's why the POJA is all about enthusiastic agreement. Sometimes, you don't really know why something doesn't work for you, but if you can openly express that it bothers you, you can talk it through respectfully and find a solution that works for both.

Respectful

Puzzled:

Go over to the thread of Observing: "Should I Wonder"

I address some of your concerns about her H's gawking at other women.

She just wanted her H's attention on her. And they have been M'ed for over 20 years.

But, what is the real issue?

Are you in a fulfilling SF relationship with your H/BF? And be honest here. You do not have to be a porn star, but are you engaged in the process, advancing the SF? If you have not engaged in SF with him, then what are your thoughts regarding this. Where do you think you will stand?

Do you never have the opportunity to go to the movies with him? Are you feeling left out?

Do they do other things after the movies that you do not know about/understand?

Do you feel that you can communicate with him effectivly in other situations?

Does he appreciate you for what you do for him?

Does he show you affection that is enough for you?

Puzzled,

My mother's advice to me before I got married was:

"He will look at other women. He can't help it. You can't consider this a problem. If he stops looking at women, that means he's looking at men, and then you have a problem."


That was 30 years ago.

She's been married 60 years, and my dad still looks at women. He's polite about it, but every now and then, I see him looking. He's 80 years old, but choosy about the women he looks at - always the gorgeous ones!

My point is, men notice women. You can't honestly say you don't notice a good looking man in a movie or commercial, now can you? Are you being unfaithful to your boyfriend when you look at that man in the perfume ad? When you think about Ashton Kutcher (or whoever)?

The world is absolutely full of OTHER PEOPLE. Half of them are of the opposite sex.

You will happen to cast your eyes upon other men.

He will happen to cast his eyes upon other women.

Don't be puzzled. Be realistic. He is not watching porn. And you cannot escape other people - they are everywhere. Unless you blindfold him, he will see women today.

SB