I have been having an affair with my fiance for seven months with a married coworker. We have had the most intense relationship and we have both determined that we are soulmates.

My coworker/lover and I have decided that we have to stop the affair because we don't want to destroy the people around us.

It is killing us both and we are both extremely depressed over the breakup.

We have always told ourselves that we will always be friends and that is a promise we made to each other.

Because the breakup is killing me so much I feel that I should completely avoid my lover as much as possible; however, she wants us to continue to carpool, talk on the phone, and do things toghether with our significant others.

I don't think she honestly wants to end our affair, but instead she just wants to feel better and keep me around as a "just in case". I am afraid to push her away in fears that it will effect our work relationship.

Is it possible to for us to remain freinds without the constant impulses for physical attention, sex, etc.??

Please help

You are right, you shouldn't see each other again and she just wants to keep you around to keep her options open. Are you married?

You are kidding, right? Are y'all in high school?

NO

Grow up. If I am reading your message (which appears to be worded by a ten year old) I think you are engaged and cheating with a co-worker. Both relationships should cease and you should seek out help in order to grow up and act like a man should.

I am not married, but engaged.

She is married with 2 kids.

This is the most difficult thing I have had to manage.
I love my fiance for many things;however, the relationship I have had with my lover has been the most incredible thing.

We both believe that we are perfect for each other because I guess we give each other what we don't get at home. I guess that is why we feel we are soulmates. We truly have more in common with each other than we do our partners.

My lover truly believes that we can continue our relationship without contact / sex and just be friends. I don't think it is possible. I am afraid to push away and we become enemies at work.

Sean, is your fiance still going to marry you knowing about your affair?

And soulmates is a cute phrase for teenage girls, but we are adults here, Sean. There is no such thing.

And no, you shouldn't be working together at all. You SHOULD push away. Haven't you ever heard the phrase "NEVER GET YOUR HONEY IN THE SAME PLACE YOU GET YOUR MONEY??" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Sean:

I guarantee you that you will FEEL differently about your coworker if you take EXTRAORDINARY MEASURES not to have anymore contact with her.

A part of you knows this because I hear it when you say that she wants you around as a backup.

You KNOW that what you two are doing is WRONG. Right, Sean?

You KNOW that this will NEVER WORK. Right, Sean?

So without asking anymore QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT, SEAN!!

Don't have anymore contact with her AND tell your FIANCEE about this? Ask her to help you with this. Apologize to her and tell her how sorry you are and what a major mistake that you have made.

Sean,

I don't think you are a bad person, but you really screwed up. Think of all the people you are hurting. This woman has a husband and two kids. You don't want to be a homewrecker do you? You have an opportunity to make things as right as they can be. You need to let your fiance know about the affair. She needs to know what she is getting herself into if she marries you. A marriage based on lies will never work. You also need to let your lover know that she needs to tell her husband or you will. If the husband doesn't know he won't have the opportunity to make the changes he needs to make the marriage work. If nothing changes in their relationship, she WILL cheat again. Finally, you need to arrange it so that you don't have any contact with this woman ever again. That is the only way you can get over this affair. Otherwise, the chance that it will happen again is great. Do the right thing, Sean. My wife was cheating on me and wouldn't end the relationship, and I couldn't eat, sleep, work, or function for months. Don't put others through that same ordeal.

- Jim

I am just surprised that his finance would still consider marrying him. Most women would not consider him marriage material and would move on. I most certainly WOULD.

So well said by Jim, Sean.

You will be blessed, Sean..if you rise up and DO all the things that Jim tells you to do.

You will be the GOOD person that I hear that you are wanting to be.

You would have avoided destruction of a family and causing EMOTIONAL DEVASTATION to your fiancee, the OW's H, her children..yourself and the OW..in the long run....

You are reading here so you can see firsthand the tragic outcomes of AFFAIRS....

YOU CAN DO THIS, SEAN.....

I don't know your religious beliefs..but I am sure that GOD WILL BE WITH YOU.....

It's a repeating pattern. The OM in my case is still with his GF and he's had more than one A. And what about me? My W's first A occured just before we were engaged...

We don't know the whole story of their relationship. They could have been dating for years. There may have been problems in their relationship that made Sean vulnerable.

Sean:

I think it's great that you are here asking for help..many guys like you would proceed as follows. That's why I think you want to STOP THIS.

ML... do you really think he has told his fiancee? I would place a bet that he hasn't and NEVER will. This sounds like someone that has very little respect and maturity.

Plus... anybody else here want to throw up when he uses the words "lover" when referring to his ho?

Sean:

Please don't be deterred by the negative comments.

There are folks here that will help you if you want help with this.

Mimi, If there are "problems" while dating, that led to an affair, then moving on would certainly be the answer. That just underscores my sentiment that he is not marriage material and this is not a feasible match. They are dating and that is a test period, after all. Having an affair with a married woman who he calls his "soulmate" would be a knock out factor for any sane woman.

The important thing is that she knows about it since she has a right to make her own decisions about her own life. I presume she is adult, and if she chooses to marry someone who is not marriage material, that is her right. And if she chooses NOT TO, that is also her right.

Sean... if you are sleeping with both women... or have... and have not told your fiancee about the risk you are taking with her life... then you are a bad person. If you are taking your fiancees love and trust which should be at a high point during an engagement (you know planning your wedding and all that stuff!) and keeping it there as your "just in case"... then IMHO, you are a bad person.
Now you can stop being a bad person and change your ways today... or you can keep your fiancee in the dark... risking her life, both physically and emotionally, or you can dig yourself deeper by keeping a secret that will eventually destroy her. You had NO right to interfere in a married womans life and risk harming her children and husband. You owe him an apology and should inform him yourself about the A. In addition, you should be honorable and change jobs immediately. Failure to do all of these things shows you to be a bad person. This is a fork in the road moment... which way are you going to go?

I agree she needs to know, Mel.

But I do think it's a stretch to say that she is INSANE if she chooses to marry him.

I think insane just about covers it.

I don't at all; it certainly wouldn't be an act of sane judgement to make such a dreadful choice for marriage. I think there is something wrong with a woman who would use such tragically bad judgement and set herself up for such a life. Many do, for sure, but I would not call them sane. One can only hope she gets sterilized so that innocent children are not dragged into it.