Its funny you mention this, because this is exactly what I did. My EX tried to come back even BEFORE the divorce.....but, it was way too late for me. I didnt love her anymore......heck, I didnt even LIKE her by this time.

Im remarried and have not ONCE questioned my decision. My EX is still the same and has not improved herself at all. I would be miserable and our marriage more than likely would have ended anyhow. My EX used to want to be married, the next day, wanted freedom, then wanted to be married, then freedom. She saw multiple guys on me, and the last time she wanted out and had a married b/f on the side, I threw in the towel. I no longer allowed myself to be hurt and be a doormat to a selfish person.

StartinOver did just that.....StartedOver.

In my prayers, Georgia....

Again I say, though, you are ONLY HUMAN....

Could Ann possibly be reading this? Maybe that's why she hasn't called... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Just catching up this morning - a couple of pages back, Pep made this comment, and I agree with it 100%.
I totally expected soemthing like this. GG jumped too fast. And Ann jumped in too fast as well. And now they both are taking a step back. totally preditctable. None of this is over yet.

I have a question, why all this conversation with your pastor? I understand people often turn towards their pastors for all sorts of advice, and at times, I agree with it. However, pastor's are generally not very well trained when dealing with matters like this. Sure, they have a ton of exposure to it, but it doesn't make them qualified to handle the situation. They surely can give you biblical advice, and what their interpretations are, but, I think your counsel should be reconsidered. But, maybe your pastor is also just your close friend, and then, that is a whole different ball of wax, as then, you may just be discussing it with him more in a friendly fashion than what I am interpreting your conversations to be.

On a different note, what do you want? You stated you suspect you and your ex will get back together. Is that what you want? Speaking from the perspective of a BH, it is much harder than we suspect, this whole recovery process. I can't say I'd honestly recommend it to very many couples, unless I saw genuine remorse from the WS. Genuine remorse doesn't mean continuous groveling (although a certain amount is probably a good thing for a shaken, beat down BS to witness)... it means that they accept their blame for what they did. I get very defensive about any WS that comes around and says, well they did this or that and the other thing.... because, well, guess what, the BS is gonna screw up again. How will the fws deal with it then? Same old same old... justification for an affair equates into an unrepentant heart, imo.

I would choose what you want here. If you want your exw back, then, go get her. If you are undecided, then I would let Ann know that you still have unadressed feeling for your exw, and that more than putting your relationship on hold with her may be needed. It sounds like she is probably feeling likewise, needed more than just a 'hold'.

-hang in there

FGG,

"Those who pray...pray that I will not make any more stupid, selfish choices and have the wisdom to know."

Will do. Already doing. Gladly.


You know FGG, it's not nearly as much fun posting directly to you as talking about you as if you are not here on your own thread. lol.

Some recommendations? (They're free, take two!):

1. Tell the whole truth to both women involved, xW and Ann. The whole unadulterated truth about everything since day 1. This is for you as much as for them.

2. If you want to see up front how serious xW is about the possibility of reconciliation, have her talk to the MB counseling center for a few sessions. Then get a recommendation as to how to proceed from them. Reconciliation will be harder than the D was.

3. Stay away from all women for about 2 years if reconciliation with xW comes off the table.

You may not be hurting women intentionally, but you are just the same. What road is it that is paved with good intentions, FGG?


With prayers,

Horribly sad situation, GG... mostly for Ann... and I feel for you and your ex, too. I will say a prayer for you, as you requested.

Sadly, I know a little something about your heart's pain... because I jumped (rebounded) into another relationship and marriage after my first (20-year) marriage ended. I didn't heal, I didn't grieve, and I suffered for the first five years of my second marriage because of it.

I also believe my H suffered *because of my situation* with my ex-H... who became someone I didn't expect after the divorce. He was remorseful, he was sorrowful, he wanted to make me understand how terribly he felt for his actions -- and I wanted to say the same to him -- to have some closure -- and seriously, he and I had a few tearful visits making amends. I know that wasn't comfortable for my H to know (he did not have the same situation with his ex, so it was difficult for him to understand, as well.) Plus, my ex was making rumblings about wanting me back. It was very hard to tell my current H this, but I did, because I believe in the concept of Radical Honesty (as they used to call it around here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />).

Like Aph, I recommend:


I couldn't agree with this more.

I would also caution you to REALLY think about this idea of your ex being the love of your life. She may well BE... and I don't discount that possibility AT ALL. But also, it may be that you are so touched by the glimpse of "the old her" that you see, that you aren't seeing her for who she truly is TODAY.

All that said, I only wish to encourage you to TELL THE TRUTH to YOURSELF first, then to Ann, and finally to your ex...

... but only once you truly understand WHAT THE TRUTH IS ...

Ann deserves to know about your confusion -- I'm not so sure you should be sharing that with your ex at this time, though -- you might give her false hope that isn't truly there once your emotional-dust settles. Really, think about this...

Good evening...

I am home and unpacked. I could have kissed that "Welcome to Georgia" sign when I passed it. I carefully planned my entry into Georgia to arrive in Atlanta at 5:30 PM so me and a couple of hundred thousand of my closest friends could park on I-20.

I am sticking with the "do absolutely nothing" advice for right now. This is very, very serious business....not only for me...and not even for Ann and exW..but for 2 families as well.

Ann's family is totally devoid of "older men". Both SIL's Dads are deceased...all granddads deceased. I have gotten close to the grandkids..they have gotten close to me. I have come to like the SIL's & D's...and vice versa.

Ann and I did talk for a while this afternoon. We have agreed that we are taking our relationship back to the "friend" level and get to know each other better. We discussed the ring...she said she'd like to just hold onto it and we'll decide later what to do about it when we decide where our relationship is going.

I really need time to think, pray, contemplate...where this is all heading. I know that I stated earlier that I couldn't marry Ann if xW is wanting to get back together. I'm not so sure I had given that enough consideration before saying it. What if this xW call was a one-time emotional fluke due to her mom now having cancer...holidays upon us...etc. I PURPOSEFULLY didn't ask aout OM...as I wasn't sure what I would say pending her response.

I know that if I tell Ann that xW called and wants all forgiven , she is the kind of lady who will remove herself from the picture so that I can pursue getting back with my xW. I'm not sure I'm ready for that...do you (y'all) think from the info that I know at this point that would be the right thing to do RIGHT NOW????

Bed for me...

I wish all of my friends a happy day to give thanks tomorrow...and we do (even in the difficult times) have much to be thankful for...

Yikes...

This officially crossed the line of ethical behavior for me.

GG...Ann is a big girl...if that information would cause her to remove herself from the equation that's her decision no matter what you are ready for. This is some pretty relevent information to NOT be sharing with the woman who is planning a future with you.

This sounds creepily like having Ann in your back pocket in case things don't work out with your wife.

That is OK with me as long as she knows and agrees to that situation but..ya know..this really doesn't seem on the up and up.

I realize that you have agreed to take things back to a "friend" level [although she is not ready to return the ring which speaks volumes to me personally that she has an expectation and I bet you 20 dolars that expectation doesn't include long reconciliatory chats with your ex wife] but you are not really giving her the whole picture and frankly I don't think I could go from friends..to engaged..to friends again. There are just too many heartstrings involved.

What is stopping you from just SAYING "Ann...my ex wife is back in the picture..while you were away she called me and we have been talking reconciliation"

Why does it have to be about something else? Why do you need it to NOT be because your ex called? It's very clear that all plans were go until then regardless of some misgivings.

This is clear in your previous posts and is clearly implied in your first post on this thread.

Hi Georgia,

I came upon this accident as the tow-trucks were fixin' to drag away the wreckage....

No. That's not it exactly, but I missed the action.

Georgia, You're a good guy. I can imagine what you're going through.

I will suggest that you go look up my thread and read some of the things my ex said to try to get me back - and remember now that she is married to the OM and 5 months pregnant. She was saying those things about getting back together even after she was married to OM (which I didn't know). Then after she told me about that - was promising to divorce him - but that didn't go through for some reason - and a month or two later I learned that she is pregnant too.

So, from my experience, my ex-wife could say all those things apparently while saying (and doing) entirely incompatible things with OM.

Yours could too. .... and it sounded so sincere...

Look at what your ex does, and not what she says. Don't give up a good thing in exchange for a lie. Last Easter, my ex was over here coloring eggs, and talking as if it was all just a matter of time and we would be back together. But did anything really change? I don't think so. Certainly she had not written OM into history.

If you're going to consider your ex, you're going to go back into investigation mode - and that is not any fun.

Time is on your side. Soon enough it will be clearer.

My prayers are with you.

-AD

I haven't been reading lately so I missed this thread. But I'm not surprised.


We are on Marriagebuilders and supposedly we believe in Dr. Harley's theories and knowledge. Dr. Harley ALWAYS says that you should wait 2 years befor STARTING a new relationship, and even specifically recommends waiting TWO years AFTER the divorce. I've heard this countless times on his radio show. He tells people who have a WS that they may HAVE TO DIVORCE because the affair doesn't seem to be going to end but that they should wait for 2 years after the divorce BEFORE giving up on their spouses, all in defense of a marriage.

So FGG, you are confirming Dr. Harley's knowledge and advice. Your story is the "evidence". Unfortunately having the knowledge, you didn't accept it.

I feel sorry for you, your WW, Ann and all the others involved. I will pray for all of you.

On the other hand, this is another ray of hope for those of us still in plan B! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> And another reason to trust Dr. H.

Thank you for being so sincere about your situation. It is very helpful for some of us and I hope you continue to post.

BTW, it's me cc46! I had to change names because the old one doesn't let me post!

Can you even hear your own words? You are keeping Ann around with deception... and you are doing it as a just in case! Very dishonorable on your part... and frankly, at this point it can be considered nothing less than an intentional infliction of harm on Ann. She deserves the truth. Have you learned nothing about the damage that lies can cause?

For all of you that have stood up for this "man" on this thread... please put yourself in Ann's place now and ask how you would feel if your fiance acted this way... and how you would feel if your "friend" acted this way towards you. And Georgia... friends wish each other well and do not have to lie in order to keep one another around... I don't know what you and Ann are at this point, but it isn't friends. Sounds more like a parachute!

Wow! The WHOLE STATE went 2 all the trouble to post a sign welcoming YOU home!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> And then they all showed up 2 escort you in2 town? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

What a bunch of nice folks!



I agree with Appy's suggestion. FGG, are you ready 2 burn that CA card yet? The fire's all stoked up at GC's. Come on bye and toss that puppy in!

-ol' 2long

GG, you are definately not ready for marriage with anyone. Ann needs full disclosure.

I completely agree with noodle. Completely.

PLEASE be honest with Ann, GG. And are you sure that she agreed to be "just friends" for now? What exactly does that MEAN, anyway? If you both were 'in love' enough to get engaged (with a ring, even)... how could you both just go back to being friends so quickly? I guess I just don't understand.

I'll repeat my last post (now that GG is here, Aphelion) -

"The man is engaged. He IS open to other options - he stated that earlier. It makes no difference to me what he does, but Ann deserves to know the truth of her situation.

GG has had the time now to be honest with his fiancee, and if he has, my apologies to him and all of you"

Georgia:

We have told you over and over what we think.

The question is, are you going to LISTEN to us this time.

Of course, you need to tell Ann the HONEST TO GOODNESS FULL TRUTH. Right this minute... and then let her make her own decision about what she chooses to do with her life..based on THE TRUTH.

Holding back from her..for whatever reason..is being DISHONEST and even DECEITFUL.

Exactly!!!!

WHAT mimi and MEDC agreeing ! am i in the right place?

look GG its your call. but just a POV.........was this what your XW did to you?...held back?

dont become what you most hate.deceitfulness.

My WW went to her OM and the (in her words) bacame inflamed "YUCK!"

here is the tragic thing......OM went thru just what i am going thru now 15 years ago. He was devastated when he ran into WW (rebound girl).

They had a intense love(?) and later she became a christian, she asked him to join her, he refused and they called it a day. met her 4 years after we courted for 2 then got married.

Now he is back, fishing.........you know what hurts the most? He knows the pain of betrayal, yet he perpetuates it.

don't do the same.