My suggestion....

He'll first ask you to catch him up on things..that's what he always did with me...

Then, I recommend that you ask him what he thinks is best for you to focus on in your session...

His answer to that question might prove to be VERRRY INTERESTING....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

First of all HEL L NO!! I wouldnt go back. I would refuse to be married to someone who even thought that way.

Here is a question for you GG........would your EX have agreed to the situation in reverse?? Another woman in the mix?

Would your EX have remarried you?

The answer to these questions I have asked should answer your own. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Trix (and others) in addition to Mimi's open ended recommendation, I do want to discuss this whole BPD thing with SH. He has talked with her 2X and he may have some insight on this subject as well.

And...to answer some of the questions posed by Weaver..I will refer to the "friendship" chapter in Love and Respect to which Mimi referred.

To quote:

"Women share experiences by talking about them to each other, examining and infusing the experiences with their impresssions and emotions. Men are different. They share their experiences by sharing an activity."

YES....precisely!!! W and I (before the WW days) shared almost ALL activities together. Our life experiences are together. And...what we didn't share, we talked about with on enother. It is that I miss....the sharing of experiences...the companionship.

Not that Jeb wasn't fun walking in that canyon last Monday...but W and I would have thrilled at doing that together!!

And..to Weaver's point..the thought of us doing those things together again is appealing. I still have a hard time accepting the idea that as long as I feel that way, I'm nor ready to move on.

What happened to the alien analogy? You know..my real wife has been abducted and replaced by an alien? Should I ever be expected to NOT want my wife back if the aliens returned her?

And now we come back full circle, Georgia...

To how your relationship with your WW WAS like my relationship is with my H....and our relationship is there again..and I can't help but PRAY this for you and your WW...

Of course, you YEARN (as in that Bowlby article) for her return again...

Pep and I among others have been encouraging you to SIT STILL AND EXPERIENCE THE YEARNING AND SORROW over your LOSS...

IMO, THIS IS THE WORK THAT YOU PERSONALLY NEED TO DO BEFORE YOU MOVE ON....

Experience and learn how to cope with your FEELINGS of sadness and anxiety...

deja vu...

There's always hope. Or, 2 put it another way, there's never hope if you're not willing 2 let there be - there's only "if only" 2uestions...

I deal with these 2uestions still, myself. I've learned 2 enjoy the process, which has become all the more intense as we deal, 2gether, with my SIL and MIL refusing 2 leave our 2nd home (or pay rent, or talk 2 us, even).

I find these definitions interesting:

a·loneness n.

Synonyms: alone, lonely, lonesome, solitary
These adjectives describe lack of companionship. Alone emphasizes being apart from others but does not necessarily imply unhappiness: “I am never less alone, than when I am alone” (James Howell). Lonely often connotes painful awareness of being alone: “‘No doubt they are dead,’ she thought, and felt... sadder and... lonelier for the thought” (Ouida). Lonesome emphasizes a plaintive desire for companionship: “You must keep up your spirits, mother, and not be lonesome because I'm not at home” (Charles Dickens). Solitary often stresses physical isolation that is self-imposed: I thoroughly enjoyed my solitary dinner.

-ol' 2long

Don't know if this will be any help....I am BPDII. The main difference between BP and BPII is that in BP you cycle from manic to depressive episodes...lots of ups and downs. BPDII has much less manic episodes and seems to just cycle through depressive episodes.

It took a long time for my diagosis and many meds. Good Lord, I got tired of experimenting with meds until they found the right combination.

I have been med-free for several years now, although it took about 5 years of weekly counseling to come to grips with everything that was bothering me.

At times I still get sad, maybe even a little depressed, but nothing like I used to go through. A very loving and supportive husband helped me through the rough spots. If it weren't for him, I doubt I'd be healed now. Right now - I guess you can say I'm sensitive - my feelings get hurt easily, but I try to keep that in check. I do have a rough time during the dark, cold days of winter, but again, nothing like I went through before....

Good luck to you Georgia - whatever you decide.

Morgaine,

Do you have any experience in treating the winter time problems with nutrition or mfd/artifical sun light? I am very interested in nutrition as a treatment in emotional/mental problems and wonder if you have used with any success. I come from an area with very little sunshine for months at a time and depression, symptoms of SAD, etc is rampant here.

Sorry for the thread jack FGG.

I've read studies that say that Omega 3 Fish Oil is helpful for BPD and depression. Also magnesium. I take both as well as Sam-e.

Weaver -

I have found that the full spectrum reading lights help as well as sunlight (none of my windows have curtains, now, for that reason). I try to keep seating areas near windows just so I can have a little extra light. SAD sucks, doesn't it? I count down the days until the winter solstice - there is much rejoicing on that date in my house - it can only get better after that.

I had never heard of any nutritional treatments, though, I find that interesting.

Morgaine, someone is letting me borrow his lamp for my office as he said he didn't feel it worked that great for him, but I know in Alaska our service men our required to spend a certain amount of time under one during their dark season.

Trix, I just started taking the Omega oils, but have not tried Sam-e, but I will, heck I'll take anything if it makes me feel good.

I have been reading about Goji Berries ( a distant relative to the wolfberry but of much better quality, grown in Tibet and managed by the Tibetans), and am thinking of ordering some as well

www.gojiberry.com

John Gray of the Venus/Mars books says that nutrition is a big factor in our relationships as they age, because without proper nutrition we don't get the feel good chemicals (like WS's get in an affair) or the in-love chemicals your brain produces at first (I think seretonin in women and can't remember what in men), but if we did we would always feel amorous toward each other.

John Gray of the Venus/Mars books says that nutrition is a big factor in our relationships as they age, because without proper nutrition we don't get the feel good chemicals (like WS's get in an affair) or the in-love chemicals your brain produces at first (I think seretonin in women and can't remember what in men), but if we did we would always feel amorous toward each other.

My diet must be proper then.........

Hi GG, remember, no matter what you do, or what she does, or how long it takes, or where you live, or what you eat, or if you change jobs, of if the boys like you or don't like you............ life goes on.

It's your job to get something out of it, even if it's tough.

What a fun thread, thanks everyone.

SS

Good afternoon folks..

Met with SH 2 hours ago..

Just got back from lunch with pastor.

I've got some meetings...I'll give an update tonight.

Georgia

Good evening all -

I'm trying to think of how to best summarize my meeting with SH.

It is hard to describe the conversation, so let me just skip to my plan of attack which we worked out.

A lot depends on whether or not xW is really ready and able to do the work required of a wife...or a "team player" as SH put it. Chief among those is her willingness and ability to totally and forever end her R with OM.

SH absolutey believes the first step is to sit down with xW's psychiatrist in a one-on-one discussion. I am to probe if, given her dianosis, the absence of meds would explain her actions. And, even more importantly, does the dr. believe that with the proper meds is she CAPABLE of staying within the confines of a marital committment and meeting her H's needs.

If xW will not agree to such a meeting, I am to take it as a sign that she is not serious about reconciliation.

I should add that concurrently exploratory questions should be used, such as asking when she last talked to OM...and can she commit to NC forever?

If that occurs, then we can discuss the POJA issues that must be put into writing BEFORE we can go forward. SH was adamnant that beginning any relationship with her without this (i.e. - dating) would be the wrong thing to do. It would allow my emotions to take over logic, and if she's still not able to commit, nothing good can come from that.

We did discuss Ann at length. He is concerned that I will not "hear" correctly the input from the dr. or xW with Ann in the wings. However, he also understands that one progress made to date (one phone call) is hardly enough to warrant a major lifestyle change. We had a frank discussion about this...and I resolved that if we pass the dr. test and the POJA test, that will be the time to commit without reservation to reconciliation. I'm can't report that SH said this is the "right" thing...as he still has doubts about my ability to do the homework leading up to that point. We did come to an agreement that it is an "acceptable" thing to do, as long as I am H&O with Ann about this situation.

So....that is the plan at this point. It is a bit sketchy, but I will call her this week and explore where this really is...and determine if she really is SERIOUS about reconciliation.

Georgia

At the risk of sounding like your mommy (perish the thought! Surely, I am not old enough! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> )... Georgia, I am SO PROUD of you!

Thank you for your update...

The plan you and Steve came up with sounds solid and right...

... no quick moves... stay in the moment and really HEAR your ex, the doctor(s), Ann...

... and of course, listen to yourself, too... 'cause you know, you're no slouch in the smarts department... and let's face it... your gut knew enough to put on the brakes and come back to talk to us when things felt off-kilter...

Man, I'm just impressed with you.

Keep us up to date and best wishes on moving forward with a clear conscience and restored spirit!

God bless...

"GOD IS GREAT and GOD IS GOOD"

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

You make me blush...NBII....

Thanks all...

FGG,

Thank you for these updates. I am interested in the outcome. I know if you take carefull, measured steps, it will be the right outcome for you.

HL

Thank you HL....

I plan on calling xW tonight.

I feel like I'm in a period when time is standing still. Such a peaceful, rainy day here today.... All the colors of the leaves..

I've got Ann's pictures here on my desk, but our relationship is on hold and I don't even know if I will ever see her again. I've got an 8 X 10 of us on the beach the day we got engaged. Seems so far away now...and hurts when I see it. Perhaps I should put it away....

And I think, too, how nice it would be if xW became herself again. We could travel and do all the things we used to enjoy. And, we could have real family gatherings..with the whole family...intact...everyone...

Slap myself back to reality...

What is real right now is a meeting..

Georgia