O.K., I know what Dr. Harley says about the love bank balances and how the OW could make those deposits for my H to the point of getting those “loving feelings”.

But I just found out a few days ago that my WH actually said those words, “I love you” to that non deserving b&@$*!

I mean come on……my H only knew the woman for 4 weeks before he spewed those words to her!!!!!! AND it was an online/e-mail/phone affair and he hadn’t even met her yet!!!!

This went on in their freaking daily conversations at his office and in their emails and phone conversations for the next 4 weeks until it ended. His plans were to divorce me and they actually discussed moving in together after all of his affairs were taken care of. Which included him moving to Texas!!!!!!!

It ended because he found out she was a totally different person than she said she was. At least she was a female……lol!!! Never know who you’re getting yourself hooked up with in those on-line games.

I feel so completely devalued. How could he tell someone he never met in 4 wks time that he loved her?

I have a hard time hearing him say that to me now because I don’t think it holds much value anymore since he said those words to the OW so easily.

I’m crushed and have been crying for days. I’ve known about the affair for about 3 months now but never knew he actually had such strong feelings for her that he told her that. It felt like another D-day.

Any words of wisdom out there that could help me cope?

Also....we've been married for 15 years and although it was a rocky marriage, he told me he loved me every now and then. I know I loved him and told him so.

Think of OW as his crack dealer that wouldn't hand out the really good stuff unless he told her "he loved her". It's really the same thing. He said it merely to get her to say all sorts of feel good things back. It meant nothing and YOU can use that knowledge to help YOU internalize just how foolish and FAKE the whole thing was. Of course, the feelings were not real and he is likely still processing but he will understand it soon himself IF he does some work. It was his addiction that made him say it and think he felt it...it had nothing to do with you or her. Just the dopamine.

Give it time. No doubt this stuff hurts. Your hurt IS real. I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's part of the nastiness of infidelity. I suggest venting here and giving him time to process all of this. The fog has to clear before he can really get it. Anger is NOT a marriage building tool.

Mr. Wondering

Purchase and read "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs".

You'll learn about the dynamics of affairs and how, and sometimes why, marriages become vulnerable.

When people enter into affairs, it is best compared to an addiction. They don't really "love" the OP, they love how they "feel" when the OP makes deposits in their LoveBank.

These remarks are comparable to addicts stating they "love" crack, or they "love" meth. It is all a temporary, drug induced statement, based on lies, deception and addiction.

Nearly all affairees feel at some point that they "love" their affair partner, but typically, after a length of time after the affair ends, they discover what they thought was love, was simply a grand illusion, an exercise in self-deception.

Buy the books and learn about affairs, and how to build affair resistant marriages. You will be doing yourself a huge favor..... remember, knowledge is power. You can order the books from this website.

Best wishes,
SD

Mr.Wondering.....thanks for the analogy but I'm having such a hard time with it.

”It meant nothing and YOU can use that knowledge to help YOU internalize just how foolish and FAKE the whole thing was.”

I know it was fake because the OW had been lying to him about who she was all along saying she was a lot younger than she was, that she was a college professor, etc. My H did a background check on her and found out differently and ended the affair.

BUT, he thought she was real and told her “OW….I think I’m falling in love with you” and later “I love you” many times.

I always thought that my H was a stand up guy. Wasn’t driven by compulsions. Always very careful in decisions. Lived more by his intellect than his emotions. I HAD alot of respect for him. So how in the [email]H@#$[/email] could someone like that actually say something like that to someone he barely knew? When I asked him about it he told me, “At the time, I was pretty amazed myself”. (That he could fall in love so quickly.)


The affair ended 1 ½ yrs ago and I just found out about it a few months ago. I’m pretty sure the “fog” has lifted. He is starting to think about the fact that maybe it wasn’t love. But it’s too late for that. He thought he loved her then and told her so. Many times. It’s killing me.

Even if the whole thing was fake, it wasn’t to him at the time and it hurts soooooo bad.

“Anger is NOT a marriage building tool.”

I know I am very angry right now but please know that I’m venting here and not LBing my H. Thanks for you concern about that. I’ve been trying to make things safe here so we can talk about these things.

Think of the affair as a fantasy, because that is all they are. We have had people here who did CRAZY things. One woman left her husband of 15 years AND HER CHILDREN, to go live with a man she met on-line that she had never even seen in person. Figure that one out.

The main thing is that the two of you have a better marriage than before. Let him know that you are not willing to go back to the old marriage.

Hi Shattered....thanks for posting here. Everyone in these forums are my life lines right now and it's such a blessing. I need you guys. Thanks you.

My H and I have purchased the HNHN book and the LB book. I never got "Surviving an Affair" though. Probably because I felt I didn't need it because my H and I have been back together for 1 1/2 yrs and the affair has been over that long. I just found out recently about the affair though. I didn't know about the affair when we were separated.

My H has been answering affair questions for me over the last few months as I think about things and it's all starting to unravel like a horror novel. When he originally spilled the beans about the affair (because I found one of their emails) he minimized it so bad. So did I until I started digging. He realizes now that he minimized it too.

We do know alot more now about why our marriage was vulnerable and doing what we can to fill each other's needs and no.....well less LB's.



Shouldn't a mature man who has always been very sensible know the difference?!?!

Believer....



OMG....this is EXACTLY what my H was planning!!!!!! We've been together for 15 years, H wanted a divorce so he could move to Texas w/the OW, leaving behind his wife and kids.



.....this is exactly what I'm trying to figure out.

THAT is exactly why it is important to learn about EN's (emotional needs) and Harley's theory on LoveBanks.

You may be thinking you are meeting ALL his needs, and visa versa, but as people are together for extended time periods those needs may change. That's why Harley recommends filling out his EN questionairre every year or so, to see what needs have changed, and to have O & H (open and honest) discussion between man and wife to see if all the needs are being met. Sort of a marital tune-up, if you will.

You need to find a way to communicate to your H that you are a year and a half behind him in your marital timeline, and all that transpired behind your back, he has had time to digest and come to terms with. You, having been kept in the dark, are WAAY behind the eight ball in the coping process. Your H needs to ba able to help you along the way, and be able to honor and protect you, yet still allow you to go through the emotional labrynth it takes to fully absorb, and begin to deal with the effects of the affair on YOU.

He needs to read "After an Affair", which gives a real up-close and personal look at what both parties go through when one or the other steps out of the marriage. Learning the hows and whys will help you deal with this. Sweeping it under a carpet and "moving on" as if nothing took place fixes nothing, and still leaves the marriage as, if not more, vulnerable than it was before!

Best wishes,
SD

Shattered.....

H and I have already discussed and decided that we would do the EN questionnaire annually and possibly more frequently than that if need be. We both understand the value in that for sure.

Everything we've read about EN's are so true and can how it could open someone up for trouble if they're not being met. At least now we know what the needs are and can talk about them openly without it feeling like we're demanding them.

I know this was one of the problems we had in our M that helped my H stray so easily. Heck, it was a problem even after we got back together until I found the MB site (which of course was after I found out about the affair)



He's realizing that now. I wrote him a letter a few days ago asking that he tell me everything he could remember about the affair and without fear. I also asked him to hold me during it. He did. It was such a loving act and I desperately needed it. I am a need details person so I can know what I'm healing from.

I asked him to separate the marriage from the affair so as not to confuse the two (H=100% responsibility for the A only), so we could just deal with affair and work on that first. That way our future might have a chance. Hard to be happy and work on the M with this dark cloud over us. I think he knows it's going to be alot of work on his part and the fact that's he's willing to do it (at least for now) helps in my decision to stay.

Getting ready to order the "After the Affair" book. I'm assuming it's on Harley's website. Thanks for the tip.

Have you read Joseph's letter?

Yup.....that's what gave me the idea. Thanks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

But you know....I never showed it to my H. Should I?

I would wait. It sounds like he is doing well. This stuff takes time, more than we would like. I'm very hopeful for your marriage. Continue making it safe for him to talk to you. Sooner or later, the despair will hit him.

After the Affair, by Janis Spring... I don't think it's available on this site...here's a look at a link to give you a bit more info. Our marriage counselor asked me and my FWW to read it together, one of her only "good" suggestions... LOL!

http://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Rebuilding-Partner-Unfaithful/dp/0060928174

Best wishes,
SD

Affairs usually do end "because" it turns out that the affairees are NOT the people the assume they are.........

Affairs are NOT based on honesty............

My husband slept with xOW the first time the met one another alone.......it was outdoors on a horsepastor!
He told xow almost right away that he loved her........

After approx. 6 weeks they had already made plans how they were going to spend the rest of their lives together. xOW was going to throw OWH out of "her" house and my husband was going to start "our business of 20 years" as a "new" business together with xOW.
xOW was going to do all the office work and she was going to be the boss.

xOW told my husband that he could move into "her" appartment at "her" parents house until OWH was out of "her" house..........she said that "her" parents would be "delighted"!

xOW told my husband that he was the love of her life and she had NEVER loved a man like she loved him................

How do I cope with this?????

Well...............it turns out that my huband was NOT the only OM in xOW life............he was one of a few. xOW had more men in her life than you could even count on your hands and toes!

xOW parents didn't even have a clue about xOW plans. OWH threw xOW out of "HIS" house. xOW didn't have a clue how to run a business. The only job she was able to get after being thrown out of the house was in a bar.
I could go on and on...................

But you asked how I coped with this??? Well...............my husbands affair had "nothing" to do with "Reality & Love" it was based on "Fantasy & infatuation".
He was "In love"(infatuated) with the feelings & emotions that this gave him and it had nothing to do with xOW, other than she did a good job giving him these feelings. The only thing was that "nothing" was based on "honesty".

Affairs stay affairs.............no matter if they are online or not.............."You "never" know who you are getting hooked up with.
Or I'll say this a little better............You do know exactly "who" you are getting hooked up with because they are indeed showing each other what they are capable to do.
If affairees were capable to "step out of their situation" and "think clearly" they would know that the OP is a good lyer, cheater, sneaky, unrealistic and and and..........but I guess the "fog" prevents "logical thinking"..........

Once they are "out of the Fog" they become aware and "know" that it wasn't what they thought it was.

bb

They all do this. Some get over it and some don't. My EX WW hasn't and is still with loser, serial cheating, OM. Of course her little escapade and lack of desire to take her eyes off herself have cost her custody of our 21 month old son. But, she proclaimed love for this idiot no more than 3-4 months of meeting him at work. He's 23 years older than her, has 15 documented affairs, herpes, OCD, immature, sexual addiction treatment, lier, and hypocrite and yet she chose him over everything else. Well she really didn't believe she would be choosing. She really believed she would just replace me and have me send her a check, NOT.

People that say that they love someone after barley meeting them is not living in reality and they are weakminded in my opinion.

Shattered….thanks for the link. I’ll check it out. My H and I also went to several MC sessions in the last 1 ½ yrs and I gotta tell ya, the MB website (which was free &#61514; ) has done sooooo much for us than those MC sessions did.

Blondblossom,



Amazing......waywards are completely insane aren't they? As someone posted on another thread, "Off with their heads!"

Again....I don't see how mature, sensible people don't see the difference between lust and love. Or......maybe they're not as sensible as we have always given them credit for?



I'm assuming this is how my H felt about the OW. I have been afraid to ask him this question. I'm afraid that what he felt for her, he never felt for me. I'm afraid that she made him feel better than I ever did or could have. I know it was a fantasy but those thoughts still hurt me.

Hope.....I am sooooo so sorry for your situation. I know how bad that must hurt. You know....this whole thing hurts so much more when the waywards give up so much for so little. Your WW's OM sounds like a real piece of work!!!!



I know right!!!!! I never thought in a bazillion years that my upstanding H would think this way and do these things. The affair.....yes, never really trusted him.....the telling the OW he loved her after 4 wks......NEVER!!

A fantasy is as good as you can imagine it to be.

If you're going to enter into a world of fantasy...of course you're going to make it flawless.

And it stays flawless until reality and truth break up the fog of distortion.

He WASN'T in love w/ the OW.

I'm so sorry that you are suffering through this.


~ Marsh