Oh, I am so proud of you! Great job ! I look forward to hearing what you have to say next too!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Give yourself a hug and pat on the back!

hoooRAY! You are so good chicka! I'm so proud of you and I KNOW God was looking out for you.

Bravo!

Lv,
Jo

Sorry I haven't been able to post this week. I have been so busy, there has been a lot going on here. I filed the violation of the ex parte order, and had to go and file another violation today. WH did not bring back DD2 again last night as scheduled. The police officer that took the report this time was very nice. I wish that I had talked to him in the beginning, maybe I would have gotten this resolved. I don't think that I can take much more of this. My attorney has scheduled a redirect PDL hearing on Monday the 9th. I am VERY nervous about this. I have no idea what is going to happen. According to my attorney, the hearing will be between the two attorneys and the judge. Neither WH nor I will get a chance to address the judge during the hearing. (I thought this was weird, why would we not get a chance to address the court?) I feel I will be at a disadvantage because of the way the hearing will be handled. I will not get the opportunity to bring up all the horrible things WH has done. I am completely at the mercy of the judge. Whatever he decides will decide my life until our divorce is final (which by the way things are going now will be a very very long time) I feel like I have failed DD2. She was so upset when she came home last time. WH kept her for 5 days before he brought her home. She has followed me around constantly this past week. She won't even let me go to the bathroom without breaking down and crying. She says "Don't Leave!" I am so frustrated by my situation this week. I feel so helpless. I just keep hoping the wheels of justice are grinding slowly and not at all in my case.

I realized this week that I have no feelings of love left for my husband. This custody battle has really put an end to any good feelings or memories I have. I cannot think of him without being angry or feeling hatred. If he came to me tomorrow and asked to come home and admitted he made a huge mistake I know that wouldn't change how I feel. Is this normal? I read others who are in Plan B and they still feel fondly for their WH's or WW's. Will I ever be able to forgive him? It doesn't feel like a possibility right now. That makes me really depressed. I don't want to continue to feel this way long term. It is eating me up.

I just got back from picking up DD2. I had to leave mid-post to get her. Her grandparents brought her back after I called them and asked them to bring her home. WH wasn't even home! He was at work. I was so worried that I broke down and called him to see where they were. Why couldn't he have brought her back if he wasn't even home with her? He called me back and pretended like he didn't know it was me. I told him I only called because I didn't know where DD2 was and told him that his parents were bringing her back and hung up. I think he actually enjoyed that I called. Hearing his voice all cheery and nice made me want to smash my phone. How can he act that way while he is torturing me?

I'm sure your daughter senses your stress. Try to do what you can to stay calmer. I know what you are going through is awful. Maybe exercising and getting out with some friends will help.

Your husband is angry and using your daughter to try to control and influence you. I'm afraid that the more you get upset about him not sticking to the schedule, the more he will continue until the court forces him.

I wouldn't worry about the hearing that is coming. The court usually wants parties to stick to the schedule. I don't think there will be a problem.

Hi, LL, good to see you back around...this meeting is a good thing...

You have done the work...the evidence is there...

You are going to be fine!

THe POWWOW I refer to was the same thing...basically the judge sided with me, POWS' A said send us an offer, we did, but [email]Dumb@ss[/email] POWS declined the offer...go we go to court! It may not work out this way for you...but this is the way that it did for me...So, we're going to court, now if the judge sides with me again...I can have POWS pay my A fees...b/c the judge already handed down his verdict, POWS is wasting valuable court time....not good, adn makes him look like an @ss...

So, calm down like believer said...YOU AND DD WILL BE JUST FINE! You can do this, YOU ARE doing this!

Action...no reaction...no more contact with STBX...he's not in his right mind...

Sweetie, I understand how difficult this is for you and I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this but you HAVE to keep your head about you!

It will all work out, we are right here for you!

{{{{{{LL}}}}}}}

I just got back from my "court hearing". (notice the sarcasm of the quotation marks) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> WH actually showed up for the hearing in his police uniform. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> He was strutting around the court room like a peacock. I wanted to jump up and shout "YMCA" and throw my non-fat latte at him. LOL Some guy sitting with his wife outside the court room tried to strike up a conversation with WH. He asked him if he was here to testify for a criminal case. WH lied and told him that he was and that he had a few depositions to take care of today. WH can't even tell the truth to complete strangers. His uniform looked like he slept in it and he needed a haircut. He just looked really awful and sad. Not at all like he used to. He isn't taking care of himself.

As far as the "court hearing" is concerned...... Nothing happened. Nothing at all. No hearing. Our attorneys addressed the judge on the issue and he did not want to hear each issue separately (custody and child support). He ordered us to talk to a counselor in the Domestic Relations Service office of our county's Adult Abuse Division. It is a service offered by the adult abuse office and is meant to help the two of us reach a custody agreement. Which means.......................................wait for it.................................................That I have to go another month with WH violating our custody agreement. If we cannot reach an agreement with the DRS counselor, then we are set to go to trial on August 1st (WH's 38th birthday). I could be divorced as soon as mid-August. That date is looming over me like an executioner. I keep hoping that WH will come to his senses and realize what he is doing. I don't think that is going to happen now. There is just not enough time.

I prayed all week that God would give me the strength to stand up and fight and be strong. Now I have to wait another whole month..... God's plan for me in this is getting harder and harder to understand. My meeting with the DRS counselor is set for Thursday. I really hope that this woman is not easily swayed by WH's fog babble and sees the situation for what it is.

I called OWH over the weekend and didn't get an answer. I have his cell phone...I will try that tonight. I am afraid if I continue to call at home that I will tip off OW. I hope that this call helps me deal with everything that is going on. Wish me courage.

MAJOR UPDATE!

I did it. I called OWH today. I was so wrong to not contact him sooner. I wish I would have done it months ago. To all that advised me to do this, YOU were right and I was wrong. I feel so much better now. This is going to be a long post....sit back and get a cool drink.

I went for my appointment with my DRS counselor today to work out a custody agreement. I told her everything that has been going on, why we were divorcing, the issues I have been dealing with, why I filed for an order of protection, that he is having an affair with a married woman and bringing her around our daughter, that he has been violating our temporary custody agreement since day one, just everything. She was very nice and talked through everything with me. She had some suggestions for reaching a custody agreement and we agreed to meet again after she had spoken to my husband. She was adament that I try and speak to WH about not bringing his affair partner around our daughter. She suggested I try and do my best to convince him that type of behavior is not in our daughter's best interests and that we should try to minimize disruptions to her normal routine right now while we are going through the divorce. We should keep her life as normal as possible right now and minimize her exposure to relationship partners. When I was leaving her office it all just clicked. I had been enabling him to do this by not contacting OWH and letting him know what is going on. I HAD to call him. That was the only way I could do what is right and do what is best for my daughter.

So I walked out to my car and turned it on and called him. I sat in the parking lot for an hour and a half talking to him about all that has been going on. WOW.... He has really just been in denial. According to him, his wife told him of the affair over Memorial Day weekend. So he is still very close to d-day. She claimed that it was a mistake and that she wanted to try and work on their marriage. She asked that he move out and that they separate so that they had "space" while they tried to work on things. She has been going to counseling with her husband since then. He told me that she has been diagnosed with severe depression and may have (according to their therapist) passive aggressive tendancies and unresolved childhood trauma.... (boo hoo whatever<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) He didn't elaborate further on that and he was very upset. I just let him talk.

He had some very disturbing information to impart.

1. That he thought the affair was over, but he was allowing her to continue to talk to WH if she NEEDED to.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

2. That she has been very forthcoming with information on their sexual relationship and has shared some disgusting details with her husband about sex with my husband.

3. That she wanted to divorce her husband and marry WH, but keep her BH around as a boy toy because she claims sex with her H is much better than with WH. I don't know if this is true but it sure made me laugh. WH thinks he is quite gifted in this area, for him to ever find out he isn't would be hilarious.

4. That WH had told OW that I was abusive to him and that is why our marriage ended. This really made me mad. There is no bottom to how low he will sink to try and make himself look like a victim or appear in a positive light. I am sure he is telling this to his family and friends. No wonder his parents have treated me so badly. I set OWH straight and told him of WH's suicide attempt and my order of protection against him for spousal abuse. He was shocked.

5. That her BH had gone to WH supervising officer and exposed him for engaging in conduct unbecoming of an officer. OWH claimed that WH is meeting OW while in uniform and is carrying on their affair in public. (this jives with what I know of the situation so far) WH was told by his supervising officer to end all contact with this woman or face being dismissed from his position. Apparently this happened about two weeks ago.

4. That OW is not depositing her work checks into their joint account anymore. OWH claimed he saw a deposit slip for a bank they do not bank at. OW lied and told OWH that she found in on the ground and had picked it up to throw it away. She later admitted that she had been banking there and that WH had an account at that bank. OWH thinks she is depositing her checks in an account there and giving the money to WH. THIS MADE ME FURIOUS!!!!! WH is a month behind on child support and has made no spousal support payments in two months. They are sqirreling away money for their future right under OWH's nose. AHHHHHHHHH!!!!

5. That WH has told OW that he has a big inheritance coming from the death of a rich uncle and that he wants to invest this money and open a coffee shop. I hope this is a lie. I know nothing of any uncle passing away, or of any amount of money he may be receiving. This would definitely affect our divorce settlement. Am I entitled to any of that money? If I wasn't, then why would he be keeping this from me? I have to try and find out if this is true.

6. That OWH found a suspicious sore on his maleness two weeks ago and is concerned he may have contracted an STD from his wife. I assurred him that I have been through two rounds of STD testing in the past 6 months and everything was negative. However, I know that WH has had multiple sex partners in the last 6 months and probably is having sex with ow besides his wife. I told him to be careful, and to get tested! I felt so bad for him. He sounded so broken down. He really has been in denial. He hasn't wanted to check her cell phone or email in case he found anything that would lead him towards the truth that his wife is still carrying on an affair.

We talked about so much, and just really put things in perspective for each other. I offered him some MB advice on how to try and recover his marriage. I am not sure if he will do what I suggested, but I pointed him in the right direction for exposing, spying, and driving a wedge between OW and WH. He is facing a relocation with his job very soon. He claims that he either plans to file divorce and take his boys with him, or that he has been discussing OW and kids moving out of state with him. I was overjoyed to hear this. I maybe have a shot at OW moving hundreds of miles away. We exchanged email accounts and phone numbers and agreed to stay in touch with any information regarding the affair. Only time will tell, but affairland sure suffered a huge blow today. I just need to keep up my strength to continue to fight a little longer. I think that this meeting with the DRS counselor went well. She indicated that WH did not keep his appointment with her the day before. This can't have looked good to the counselor. She seemed annoyed. I will keep you all updated. Any advice anyone has would be welcomed.

Please!! You yourself said that WH will lie to complete strangers! This is just a way to hold on to OW and make HIM looked better than her H...

Why in the heck would she be giving WH her check if this was truth? He probably told her this to get some money from her claimming that he would pay her back...he's using her...

I'm glad to hear that he didn't show up, that's good...keep your back yard clean while he keep dropping those leaves in your yard...

I'm not sure but I don't think that you can put a whole lot of stock in OWH's story, interesting but how true can it be...she's passing on half, untrue info to him...he's thinking about it, changing it around in his mind...

I mean it's good stuff to know!

And how sad at the same time!

well, i have to go pick up the kids, let me get out of here!

Good to hear from you!

More Drama.....

I got a call around 4 today from my DRS counselor. I was puzzled as to why she would call me so soon after our appointment. Her first words to me were..."I have something to tell you and I don't want you to get too upset". Not a good start to a conversation. She told me that she had just talked to WH, and that he had told her he was in the hospital with meningitis (that is why he missed his appointment the day before). She was frantic that I go get my daughter and get her checked at the dr. immediately. WH has had DD2 with him since yesterday. She was beyond annoyed that WH had gone to the hospital and had not called me or had the decency to have DD2 checked out.

I was like a volcano erupting.....I don't think I have ever been so mad. I called WH's stepmother and confirmed that WH is indeed in the hospital. I asked why no one had bothered to call and tell me this. She said that WH probably had VIRAL meningitis and they were still doing tests to determine the cause of his illness. I was so pissed. I just told her that I expect to be notified if anything happens to WH in the future while DD2 is with him. Then I called WH. We got into a huge argument on the phone. I tried to just tell him that I was going to get DD2 from his mother's and get off the phone. He wanted to try and yell and scream at me. Apparently the detective investigating the violation of the order of protection had called him this afternoon and he was furious at me. He demanded that I drop the charges against him and that I stop making up lies about him. I told him that I wouldn't discuss our divorce or his violation of the order of protection. I just asked that he allow me to pick up our daughter and wished him a speedy recovery. He continued and I just told him to get well soon and hung up. My sister went with me to go get DD2 from MIL's.

The pick up went smoothly. MIL was not at home, I guess she must have gone to the hospital to see WH. FIL was home and was very nice to me. I asked that he call me with information regarding WH's health and told him to have a nice evening. He said he would call me with any updates. I got almost all the way home and got a call from OWH. He wanted to ask me more questions. He started asking me about a hotel that I had told him that OW and WH had gone to during their affair. He had been following OW after she left work and had seen her head in that direction. I told him that I was pretty sure that I knew where she was headed. I told him that WH was in the hospital very near where the hotel is located and that is probably where she was headed. I could hear him just sink through the phone. I felt so bad. While he was talking to me he drove by the hospital and saw her truck parked there. He told me that she was still with him.

I told him that I would confront her about what she is doing. He also said that OW told him that their marriage counselor wants to get with him and discuss their communication skills. (OW might also want to discuss why she is still having an affair behind her husbands back with the marriage counselor lol) I told him that if he needed anything just give me a call. He said he wanted us to meet face to face and talk soon, but he would wait until my daughter was with her father. I am not sure us meeting is a good idea........Honestly I didn't expect him to talk to me at all, him calling me again the same day has been a surprise. OW is truly an awful awful person. I wish him the best at recovering his marriage but it sounds like a long shot to me.

He also said he is very concerned and wanted to get STD testing right away. I had told him the type of meningitis that WH has is caused by a "dormant" virus that is infecting him again and again (WH has had viral meningitis three times since I have known him). The infectious disease specialist that met with WH about his illness said that it could be caused by a virus such as mononucleosis, chicken pox, or herpes simplex. They put him on a herpes simplex anti-viral medication and are testing his spinal fluid. I am afraid that WH may have contracted herpes simplex. What a price to pay for an affair. It is sad really. I told OWH that I would check back with him towards the end of the week and asked that he go for STD testing. Should I continue to contact OWH? I feel obligated to help him in his marital problems (I feel somewhat responsible for what WH has done....I don't know why). HELLP!

I would step as faaaaaaaaaar away from all of them as possible

keep to YOUR business (your child and yourself)

your WH is a dangerous man right now

he blame-shifting and he's pissed off

KEEP FAR AWAY

understand?

FAR AWAY

it it helps

imagine this:

Everything to do with WH/OW and all of their drama bullchit ~~~> think of them as a hornet's nest

keep your distance
and don't poke it with a stick

Thanks for the response Pep,

I know you are right. I really didn't expect OWH to be so willing to speak to me. He said himself that he had been dreading hearing from me. I am afraid I did a little more than just poke the hornet's nest with a stick yesterday. Calling OWH is akin to pouring gasoline on it and setting it ablaze. WH will be furious when he finds out. I am sure he will soon. There is no way that OWH can expose that he has knowledge of the affair continuing unless he divulges my call to him.

I am concerned that WH's mother and siblings seem to be aiding him in carrying on his affair. They have been allowing them to meet at their respective homes. I am sure that WH has lied and told them she is divorcing her husband. Sigh.... I don't know how people can be so despicable. OW is as deceitful and disgusting as WH. She is lying to her husband, her family, his family, and their children.

I have had a really up close look at what OW and WH's life is like yesterday and it really made me sick. I couldn't eat all day. I had to take two Xanax last night just to calm down. The strange thing is for the first time yesterday when I was faced with knowledge of WH's affair activities it didn't bother me. OWH told me way more about WH's affair than I ever wanted to know. I didn't cry once. I have finally accepted that the D is going to happen I guess. I was furious that our daughter's health was of no concern to him. His only concern was keeping DD2 from me during his visitation even though he was too ill to spend any time with her. He is still trying to hurt me and is successfully using his parents and family to aide him. I am bringing this incident up with the DRS counselor.

Well looking back over this weekend and all the drama I have decided to go very very dark until our trial date. I just don't need anymore of this wayward bs crap. I can't believe a thing WH says anymore, more contact is likely to stir up even more lies. I talked to my DV advocate today. She is going to check into whether WH has been promoted at his work. That way I don't even have to discuss it with him. WH claimed that he has gotten a promotion and is going to push for more visitation with the DRS counselor...he laid that little gem on me when I called him last time. She is surprised that this situation has only gotten worse since I filed for the order of protection. She told me that things usually get either much better or much worse after the order is filed. Lucky me.

I think a very dark dark plan B is in order from here on out. I think somehow I am feeding into and encouraging this behavior from him. My DV advocate doesn't think that I should have called him this past week. I have tried to limit contact to only when necessary, but even that seems to allow him enough contact to feed off of. I need to show no emotion, no warmth, no anger....nothing. I can't believe I am going to get a trial date before Rin does. Guess southerners are slower doing everything. LOL

OWH obviously had a talk with his wife over the weekend. I was hoping to feed him some more information from WH's email account, but he has changed the password. Just as well, easier for me to achieve a completely dark plan B if I am not tempted to look at his email. I am kind of irritated that he didn't listen to anything I said about divulging my access to WH's email account to OW. That was not a very smart move on his part. Although informative in a disturbing way, my call to OWH didn't really have the effect that I had hoped. OWH is still in denial about the affair, affair is still ongoing and no real damage was done.

I am just going to try and focus on me and making myself happy for the next month until our trial. Maybe that will help prepare me for the divorce trial. Has anyone been through a trial divorce? What should I expect?

Divorce this loser now not later, get RESTRICTED visitation of your daughter not to include overnights. He is psycho.

Well, my dark plan B is not going as well as I had hoped. I had a little slip up this morning when I dropped DD2 with WH. WH was 15 minutes late to pick up DD2. He tried to pretend that he had been there waiting for me the whole time.... I saw him pull up! He was dressed for work! I did not want to send DD2 with him. Why should I send her with him if he has to work now instead of having a day off as scheduled? We argued about this. I asked that he allow me to take her to daycare and offered to meet him after work to drop her off. He refused. I then reminded him that he is not allowed to use any other form of daycare for DD2 without my consent (this includes using his mother for daycare). I know that he knows this, he just chooses to ignore it so he can do what he wants. I told him that this behavior is only going to make him look like an *ss to the judge. He told me that he is going to try and get his child support amount reduced because "paying it is a hardship for me". I really wanted to throw something at him. He wanted this divorce. He is still so far gone in fogland that he thinks that I am making him pay the full amount of CS to punish him. How selfish can someone be? He isn't even concerned at all about whether DD2 and I will be financially burdened if he doesn't pay the full amount of CS. I stayed calm though. I just said that wasn't likely as the judge said he would not touch the child support issue at our last hearing. I finally told him I didn't want to argue and gave DD2 a kiss and drove off.

He doesn't have a prayer of getting the amount of child support reduced, but it still bothered me that he is going to try. He did mention my call to OWH. I could tell he was really mad about it. I just told him that I did it to let OWH know that OW and WH are introducing each other to our respective kids. I told him I wouldn't tolerate this and that the DRS counselor was aware of what he was doing. He told me that "I have a new life now and you can't stop that". He is still so fogged out.

I am not going to let this bother me today. My birthday is next week and I am going to spend the weekend pampering myself. Yesterday I ordered an elliptical trainer as my present to myself. My parents agreed to pay for part of it and I am paying the rest. I can't wait for it to get here! I am going to go buy the latest Harry Potter book and read all weekend. This is something I hardly ever get to do for myself. Maybe I will go see the Harry Potter movie on Saturday evening. I am going to keep praying that this Divorce proceeds more smoothly and that the DRS counselor will somehow improve how things are going between WH and I. I am starting to be happy about the D. I really will be so much happier without WH in my life. Hope everyone has a good weekend, I know I will!

Yes he does and it includes writing child support checks, juggling the child(ren) around his and OW's little get togethers since they can't be together like the cute little family he had planned for, seeing his child every other weekend, having his reputation tarnished, living with anger, guilt, and sin in his life, a demanding and insecure OW, loss of friends, and much more.

What a great life he has created for himself. Idiot!

Great attitude! You sure sound like you are getting on with your life.

You are right about your WH not having a prayer about the amount of CS. Most states go off of income, and other factors (time married, if you were a SAHM, if you paid his way through school etc). He won't be able to plead "hardship" just because he is paying for his new lifestyle and perhaps the OW's expenses. Some states even consider the income of other adults in the household! So, OW's income might even be considered if they are living together. Wouldn't that be a surprise bump in affairland.

Yep- he's a selfish, fogged out wayward and not worth fretting over. Enjoy your birthday pampering. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I just got an email from OWH. I sent him an email after we talked saying that he shouldn't reveal what we discussed to OW. She will just run back to WH and tell him everything and won't believe a thing he says. I said I wouldn't contact him further about WH's affair. I am really trying to stay out of this. I am also regretting calling OWH now. I have stirred up a hornet's nest. What should I do? Should I reply to his email and send the items he requests? I don't know how he could continue to believe the lies that OW is telling him. I am getting irritated with his inability to grasp reality in this situation. My first instict was to not reply..... Is that harsh? Suggestions anyone?

This is a draft of an email I put together to OWH. Any suggestions? I know it is long, but I would really appreciate some input here...... I am struggling dealing with this now. I have been doing much better limiting my contact with WH. I feel that this may draw me back into their drama. I want to help OWH though. What do I do?

Good letter. This man should file an immediate RO against WH and get court order that he not be around his children, now or in the future.