And you can see how far that got you. She already knows your "or else" is meaningless and you will do nothing. You just hurt your credibility by making those empty threats. Threats of exposure will get you nowhere - as you can see - and will only make you the butt of jokes. If you make more idle threats, they will simply pre-empt you as the "jealous nutjob" which will just ruin your credibility even more.

Threats will get you nowhere, because it still leaves the affair SECRET and as long as it is a SECRET they can continue. They just have to go deeper to hide it from you.

Exposure on the other hand, will deal a death blow to the affair by shining the light of day on the DARK, secret affair.

Visting the OM will deal a death blow to the affair, because most are cowards who will run at the first sign of trouble.

Post deleted by stillhopefulh

still,

You sure talk a good game, but your wife, like us, understands that you haven't been willing to follow through for THREE YEARS! You are going to have to step up and enforce your boundaries. Don't threaten divorce, but be strong about your boundaries, including exposure, kicking her out, and cutting her off. I would recommend speaking with Dr. Harley to formulate a plan. You can do phone counseling for $185/hr or you can call him up on his show for free and he will generally talk to you for 15-30 minutes.

- Jim

sh, almost ALL WS' deny the affair, your case is no different. The reason you have communication issues is because she is having an affair. That will not change until the affair ends. You can't fix your marriage until the affair is over and all contact is ended.

Just as with an alcoholic, recovery can never begin until the drink is put down.

I hope that some day you decide to do something to save your marriage before it is too late, but only you can make the decision to fight for your marriage. You do have many tools at your disposal, you just have to make the decision to use them.

Post deleted by stillhopefulh

Post deleted by stillhopefulh

Humiliate the OM. Get a PI to dig up dirt on him and expose him to his parents, family, friends, other women he may be involved in. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. You should not be humiliated for standing up for your marriage in the face of this threat. I think the only thing that would humiliate you is standing by and doing nothing as this other man ruins your marriage.

- Jim

SH, she has not ended contact and she can see that there has been no "or else." So can you. A threat that is not acted upon, as this has not been, is an empty threat. You can pretend you don't know, but you know you do, and you know it was an empty threat. So does she.

Which begs the question: why are you pretending you don't know? How has that been helpful to you?

I would not suggest that you beat up the OM, but simply visit him and tell him that you intend on fighting for your marriage and ask him what his intentions are with your W. If you feel you can't control your temper and would punch him, bring a friend who will restrain you if necessary.

SH, I assure you they think you are pathetic right now, since you haven't lifted a finger to help yourself in 3 years. This has gone on for a very long time and you can see that it is now escalating into a physical affair. Sitting on the sidelines doing nothing has availed you nothing.

Why not do something to help yourself?

Post deleted by stillhopefulh

EAs don't generally end of their own volition until they become PAs. Once it becomes a PA, it might actually make the WS feel guilty enough to end it, or it may continue to go on until it dies its natural course (say, your wife finds out that OM screwed some other woman as well). Trust me, you don't want the EA to turn into a PA. This guy sounds like he could be an STD magnet, and you don't want to have to have flashbacks to the two of them fooling around when you and your wife are intimate. Just expose the affair already. We are telling you this for your own good.

- Jim

Post deleted by stillhopefulh

It's called proof. The OM's father didn't believe me when I first told him, but I FedExed him a package with their emails, the hotel they stayed at, cell phone records, and my wife's journal entry. He couldn't deny it after that. You need to be snooping and logging evidence of your WW's EA(/PA?) as well. You will need this to sway people who are on the fence as to whether this is actually an affair on your side.

- Jim

Sure this can happen, but as you can see, that is not happening here. Of course, your W has no reason to end her affair. She has a husband at home who actively helps her hide her affair and a boyfriend on the side. She has no reason to end such a great set up. As you can see yourself, the affair has only become more entrenched.

What does happen in affairs is that the marriage can be destroyed because affairs are huge lovebusters. The BS often falls out of love, has nervous breakdowns or suffers years of post traumatic stress disorder. If the BS doesn't fall out of the love, they become so unattractive from the ensuing emotional problems, that the WS no longer wants them.[who wants to be with a blubbering, emotional wreck?] This is why Dr Harley recommends going into Plan B after a fairly short Plan A.

I am glad you found us, my friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I hope we can help you have what many of us have.

Post deleted by stillhopefulh

SH, an emotional affair IS an affair. That is all you need to focus on. You don't have any control over what some people might think. An affair is an affair and I don't think you really want to allow this to escalate to a PA, do you?

If any of the content of the emails/messages is sexually explicit or suggestive, people will find it inappropriate or conclude that a PA is already ongoing. I'm sure her family and/or workplance will find it inappropriate conduct at the very least and ask her to stop it. Explain to them how much it is damaging your marriage. I never did anything because it was just an EA until it was too late and became a PA. Once it becomes a PA it is much harder to stop. Don't let it happen to you.

- Jim

p.s. when you expose, you don't have to get into minutia about physical affair versus emotional affair. I would just call it an affair and leave it at that.

Post deleted by stillhopefulh

SH, can I make a suggestion? Sit down and have a chat with her tonight and tell her what you know. Ask her to end all contact with the OM and to send him a no contact letter. Ask her to open up her life to you and become transparent. Ask her to work on repairing your marriage.

Then, if she does not end contact, you can move forward with exposure. Don't threaten exposure, though.

What do you think?