oooo, this is totally eerie, talk about parallels,




The way my WH put it to me was very much the same, except he never actually TOLD me I treated him like a child or disrespected him. The only thing he truly VOICED was lack of sexual intimacy between us; like it was scheduled. I know now that I treated him disprespectfully, and acted like a mother, but that was a dynamic created by BOTH of us. I can only change that if he comes home, and I will not labor under the notion that an A was the proper response. NO WAY. I bet we wouldn't be in the same situation either if I had known better, but HE was not perfect either, so who's to say that I wouldn't have had an A? Right?



EXACTLY!!! BINGO!!! I grew resentful of the lack of support that I got with our DS. I felt like I was to 'blame' for us having a child; it goes back to me controlling him. The truth is that he allowed me to control him, and then later told me that he had had reservations about having children, and felt like he didn't make this decision. Truth be told, we did discuss having children, and though I never felt he was TOTALLY excited about the prospect, he never said ABSOLUTLEY NO. After my mom died, I mentioned that I may not want to have children. Then, after grieving the loss, I was back to wanting to have at least one child; he was okay with that at the time. During and after WH's affair, he mentioned that I said that I didn't want children after my mother died, and he took that to mean that we wouldn't. Selective memory...Obviously a big issue for him. WH never made much of it. Once he told me this, I felt soooo much GUILT for having a child with him, and started taking blame for his affair. I was totally snowballed there.

We never really fought about much, probably because he wasn't willing to engage me in that way; to tell me how he really felt. I can be bossy, and stand my ground in a fight, but I expected that he would tell me when he did not agree with something. I expected too much, it seems. I was disrespectful to him, and I do feel terrible for it, but I cannot repair that damage under these circumstances.

Wow I can't believe how alike we are in our situations.

I was told in IC that I am too controlling. I have worked on that these past several months.

My WH, I know, thinks that if he comes back things will be the same. Nagging, harping etc. I know they won't. I have worked VERY hard these past several months in IC and have worked on that issue.

Being in plan B, how can I show/tell him that I'm not the same person I was when he left? I told him in the Plan B letter that I had changed, that things would be different. Guess he doesn't believe me. I guess I can't blame him. I have said I would change before, and it didn't last.


When we were in counseling earlier in the year, he told the counselor that I would say I was going to change, then 2 weeks later I'd be back to the same old crap. So he thinks that will be the way it was if he came back.

I think he doesn't want to give up what he has now, to go back to the same thing. Guess she's not giving him the crap I did.

I don't mean to confuse you or to cause you anxiety but I have a few questions.

What made you decide to go quickly into PLAN B...since you say that your H did not have chance to evidence your changes?

How long have you been in PLAN B?

Do you have the funds for a consultation with Steve H. to see if he would suggest that you approach this differently?

Your situation is similar to mine in that my H's affair was with a woman 17 years younger than him.....

BTW, her major attraction was the ADMIRATION...not the SF... as one would assume...

Mimi,

I feel as if I have done everything wrong since the beginning.

I found out about A in March. He said they were just friends. I believed him! He then said we were imcompatible, he needed space to think. Got his own apt. 3 weeks later. SI still didnt; think anything was going on. Thought it was an EA.

I still kept in contact with him.

In May I found out OW was living with him and it was indeed a PA. I exposed. 3 days after I confronted him, I served him D papers.

I was in and out of plan B. Broke it many times because of him having contact with the kids.

Have been in a strict Plan B now for about a month.

I feel like I screwed up so bad in the way I did things...plan A, B, D, that it's just too late.

I think if I wasn't so hasty and did things differently, he would have been back by now.

I'm not sure if he was looking for SF or admiration. He did mention to me that "at least she(his very good friend as he put it), doesn't think I'm a loser". I never told him he was a loser, so I don't know where he got that from.

I was thinking of calling Steve H., butI know my WH will not talk to him.

Cat:

I think that if there's any way at all possible for you to call Steve H. that you need to do that..in order to get his opinion on your situation. It will be money well-spent..a lot cheaper than D. He will make recommendations for YOU. My H only spoke with him a FEW times compared to my MANY...

Mimi,

I think I will call Steve. I have been thinking about it. Didn't due to lack of $$, but I will get the $$ somehow.

How does it work?

Does he call me and I tell him everything? Telling him my story will take up an hour alone!

Can I email him the details so he knows what's going on before he calls me?

Cat:

Here you go....

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html

Thanks Mimi,

I just called and left a message to schedule.

Kind of nervous, dont know why. I've been in IC for months now. Guess it's because it's an over the phone thing.

Hopefully he can help me. I figure, what do I have to lose?

He will help you IMMENSELY!!

You will definitely NOT LOSE!!

You will only GAIN from his coaching!!

Just wanted to throw my quick two cents worth in there.
Your WH signed a 1 year lease - that does not mean things are over. They all do that.
My WH got a 2 year cell phone plan and signed a 1 year lease with his OW. After 6 months she asked him to move out. So he got his own apartment with a 1 year lease. 6 months later, he was borrowing money from his mom to break the lease and move again.

Signing the lease, and getting into the 2 year cell plans, are suppsoed to be some great sign that they are truly "over" you. That they really have "moved on" and they are "serious". It is proof to the OW that they are committed to her.

Problem is, they are acting on emotion, which changes daily. they quickly find the apratment and sign the lease - so they can't back out. I would guarantee you that he has had doubts - and second thoughts. That is why he signed the lease - so he can't back out.
But when the R falls apart on him, and things start crashing down, that lease won't mean a thing to him anymore.

Also - he bought new furniture? Part of the script. After all, he tells everyone he needs a new life, a fresh start. That includes new stuff.

But at the end of the day - that new couch reminds him of one you had early in your M. Or the table he bought isn't quite as nice as the one you two had, where you used to eat meals togehter. Or he bought new towels for the bathroom, but he also has a couple of old ones, and they remind him of you. You see what I am saying?? the new apartment, the new furnishings, can not erase his history with you. He would like to erase the history - because that would erase the guilt. But at the end of the day, he remembers the wife he promised to love and cherish forever, and then rolls over and see that icky OW -the woman who will sleep with a married man. The woman who expects him to be fun and happy all the time. The woman he expects to always be gooey eyed and loving. I have news for him. That fairy tale doesn't last forever.
Hang in there.

Yep!!

The furniture my FWH bought for his NEW CONDO is upstairs in our NEW HOUSE...

The CONDO is being rented out...

WOF...is right on target...

Oh I got you beat there...my EX WW is 23 years younger than Gramps she's hooked with and will likely marry as soon as his divorce is over. (although maybe not when she figures out that he's going to be broke, we'll see).

Mimi,

I'm sure it will be worth it. Probably should have consulted with him months ago. Wouldn't be in this mess now.

WOF,

Thanks so much for your encouraging words. I want to hold on to any shred of hope I can that you are right in what you said about him thinking of me, missing us etc.

I guess I just don't see the A ever ending. He seems happy, the last I saw him. I figure I've given him enough chances to come back, why hasn't he? I did hear however that one of the reasons why she left her H was because he didn't make enough $$. (WH denies this) She wanted an older guy that was rich. My WH makes good $$. Guess she got him! She likes VERY nice things.

In addition to the new furnishings, he bought stuff that we don't have here. Wide screen TV, etc. Why would he want to leave that? He knows we would have no room for it here. He also bought a new dog that he knows I did not like. Guess he figured I was out of the picture now so he could get it. I'm allergic to shedding animals and this dog is a HUGE shedder. So that shows me too that he has no intentions of coming back. I doubt he would ever give up his pet. He's been wanting that kind of dog for many years now.

I'm just so discouraged.

Hey catgirl,

It sounds like you are getting some much needed support from many who have 'been there done that'. I agree that I am also discouraged about WH's behavior. I think I recall that you said that you have been in a darker plan B for a month now. Is that right? (my memory is crap since all of this happened, not that it was stellar before). The TV, the dog, they are all diversions, the things he has thought were what he wanted all of this time. Truth is, we all just want the right mate. A mate born from infidelity is NOT the right mate, and MOST figure that out over time; the trick is HOW LONG. That is what I've been thinking about. How long before WH either attempts to recover with me or moves on to another OW? (he mentioned another woman that he was 'interested' in last time we spoke, YUCKY-YUCK)

There is hope that your WH will question what he has done.

cat

i feel the same way that you do

I pray everyday that WH will realize what he has done and what he has lost. So far he hasn't, or maybe he has, but his pride is keeping him from us.

I'm sure you all heard this before, but never in a million years did I think he could do such a thing. EVERYONE that I told he was having an A, was totally shocked.

That's why I think this is so hard for me. He was always home with us, never even went out with the guys much.

From his past, he never just used a girl for sex. He got involved first. That's why I think he's hooked on her. I don't know, maybe I'm being naive, but knowing him like I thought I did, he just wouldn't sleep with a woman for the he** of it. There would have to be some feelings there.

cat

the people i told thought i was lying because this was so out of character for my H

he also never went out with the guys....now he says that he missed out on that and that OW is a "friend" that he can go out with too (puke!)

it sounds like you had a good marraige to a good man, like I did, and that's why this is so hard for us to understand, accept, and deal with

like you, i just want my life back.....I WAS happy!!

catgirl,

Like I said before, totally eerie how similar the circumstances that we have faced. ALL were shocked when i told them of WH's affair. He, also, is not one to 'casually' fool around. WH actually told me, prior to leaving, that he WANTED to fall in love with OW, that he deserved it. OUCH! That one hurt emmensely. My WH left me, the first time, well over a year ago (Aug. '05), and I remember the TERRIBLE pain that I felt; then endless nights and days; never sleeping, not eating, so many thoughts that I believed I was going crazy.

I was happy, also; I never wanted this separation; never wanted this disappointment. I do not believe that I started plan B too soon, as we had a false recovery, then WH left AGAIN, then he attempted to fence sit and told me of want to get involved with yet another OW. It was time for me to break the cycle, as he was CLEARLY not going to. One thing that I cannot say, however, is that I did ALL that I could to save my marriage. I could have set better boundaries when WH was here, I could have done a better job at meeting his EN's (which he would not tell me of); and oh, so many other things. I did the best that I could with the knowledge that I had. By the time I found this site and began to understand it's goals, I believe it may have been too late. I will have to live with that forever. My shortcomings in this situation.

Plan B is working for me in the sense that I have been able to forgive myself these shortcomings and learn better ways to approach problems. My WH has no idea how I've changed, and that is sad to me. There is nothing left in this house for me except melancholy brought on by memories, both good and bad. I do understand where you are coming from, and I want for you to heal and be happy, but I know that you have to do that in your own time.

This may be my last Christmas in this house, and I plan on making it as full of happiness as I can muster for my DS and family. I deserve a little happiness, and I plan to try to enjoy what I can. Every ornament that I will adorn my tree with this coming weekend has a memory, and I'm going to try to see the happiness that lay there. I may cry, h3ll, I'll PROBABLY cry, but I'll smile within the tears a bit too. I have to go on, I have my son to worry over, cause he's still here with me, suffering through this in his own way.

Catgirl,
I know this is a bad time of year for the stuff we're all going through but, try to focus on making it good for your and your kids.

I honestly believe that your best chance at putting the M back together is following MB principles. I truly believe that all affairs eventually crash and burn. The key is really whether or not you will want your WH at the end.

That's really what Plan B is all about. Removing yourself from the day-to-day worry and craziness so that you can preserve the feelings you have left for the time when the A is over.

I can tell you that staying connected to my WH, even though I now believe the A is over but the contact is not, has destroyed my love for him. I know more than I wish I knew. I know what a consumate liar he is. I now question everything he has ever told me.

For me, there's really no going back. It's down to me taking that final deep breath and then pushing forward w/the settlement agreement and D. For me, Plan D is the only recourse. Too much has happened to go back.

Just hang in there. If you still love your H and really want to make it work, keep posting and following the advice given. Good luck and God Bless...........

Merry Christmas and God's peace to you.

Hi catgirl,

Just dropping in for some support. Hang in there for your session with Steve Harley; he will be able to guide you, and maybe give you more of a sense of purpose in this stage. You will probably at least get some relief from your overbearing thoughts (assumptions about WH) and be given very sound advice on how to proceed.

I hope for you to find some peace.