My wife and i have been married for four years and have a lovely daughter of three and half. We have been going through a difficult time in our relationship for the past year. we have spent all our time concentrating our love on our daughter at the expense of our marriage, i don't help out as much as i should do around the house, we are both from totally different cultures i am western europe and my wife is south pacific. In november a stupid argument broke out, regarding my wifes lack of affection towards me, and things degenerated from a standard argument into one where i pinned my wife up against the wall screaming at her to shut up and listen. I am so aashamed by what i did that night, understandably my wife and i are now seperated and my daughter is with her at the other end of the country. I have contacted a counselling organisation here in the UK for men that are abusive towards there partners, i am so ashamed that i have become what i detested as a child, and obviously my wife doesn;t exactly have a high regard of me. I love my wife and daughter very much, i know that my actions are not exactly in keeping with that perspective, but i am lost without them. I have tried explaining to her stuff that i have studied here in the time since this all blew up, i realise that both parties are to blame for how far this developed, but i am the one responsible for the end result. If a man gets help and is willing to do anything to save his marriage, can the change save the marriage or is the trust and love gone and the marriage is just a sham.

Welcome, Muttly...to MarriageBuilders...what a great place you have found to save your marriage...

No marriage is a sham...it is what you put into it...and seeing it as you, your wife and The Marriage.

First, find out where your focus is...if it's on her, you have no control. If it's on your child, in reality, you have no control. If it's on yourself...bingo...that's where you only have control, responsibility. All of your stuff, not just what you do, but feel, think, believe and perceive...is yours. Yours alone.

Take that night and your actions...go underneath what you did to why...if it is from not feeling heard, acknowledged, go underneath that, too...to finding out what gives you the perception you are being heard, acknowledged, validated.

Once you get to that answer...then act from your knowledge. Since you can only control yourself, listen, acknowledge and validate when others speak. Hear to know, not to judge. Repeat to clarify before you react. Choose to act, not react.

Read all you can on this website...Basic Concepts, Love Busters (LBs), Emotional Needs (ENs)...get to understand how humans relate, our own dynamics...and understand that reactive marriages fall apart...active ones don't.

In your post there is a love buster present, a Disrespectful Judgment (DJ)...where you say, "obviously my wife doesn't"...get rid of your DJs...they bring you great pain and great pain to others. What you know and think of yourself defines you...others don't. You have no control over her stuff...her feelings, thoughts, beliefs or perceptions...get to respect that you are separate and equal...all of us are...check and see if this belief resonates inside you, so you can seat it firmly in your center and choose to act from it, rather than react to her stuff.

Set your boundaries around your own behavior...and make them two-way...listen and repeat to know...not to judge...and do so inside yourself. Learn about boundary enforcements, amends and you'll have the redemption you seek.

You can thrive.

When you have a list of your own goals...and prioritize them, then you can present these to your wife and ask for a timeline for the separation...getting help is usually the first, and you're doing that. Sounds like you have realized that the marriage comes first in healthy families, before the children...because our marriage is the most intimate and healthy gift we give them...without that, there is no family...kudos on realizing this priority.

Lots of books to read, another goal for you, which you can measure and demonstrate to yourself...all of Harley's books are terrific; I also recommend, in addition, Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend; Healing the Shame That Binds Us by John Bradshaw; and a huge one (and short!) is "Between Parent and Child" by Eincott. In reference to your belief that you have become what you most detested...please read "Getting The Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix...be open and gentle with yourself to speed your recovery...it's from a lifetime...won't be all at once...rely on your true goal to aid you through the slower growth times...

Set your goals down in writing...keep posting and know you are not alone, not defective...you are whole and complete, made marvelously, as all humans are...getting back to the way you were made, knowing all of yourself.

You can do this...so many others here have...I was an abuser...you're not alone...others have recovered after abuse, infidelity, addictions...please know there is possibility, and as long as you are reaching, you will be reached for. Stay aware so you can see it.

Welcome.

LA

Thanks for the welcome, i admit i feared the worst when i posted the above letter, i felt i was going to be pre judged found guilty and led to the firing line. i was petrified that people would have pre conceived views about what i had done, without knowing the real me. My wife has even said that at times i'm so nice and at other times its like there is a demon inside of me. The demon has been inside of me for a while, i served in my countrys army and took part in the first gulf war at the age of 18 and saw things there that i still see at night, i am not justifying my actions with the above, i'm trying to explain where the demon came from. I don't enjoy being this way, i don;t want to even entertain the thought of my daughter seeing what i am becoming if i don't get help.

You feared and posted anyway. You know you are brave.

Define your demon inside...it's part of you. Where did it come from? What permissions did you give yourself?

What changes are you willing to make physically...can you move back in with her...or to where she and your DD are living?

Have you written out all you've learned and owned about yourself and your choices and mailed her an ownership letter?

LA

The demon came from experiences i had when i was younger in the gulf and Northern Ireland. when we came back from our second tour in Ireland myself and a few others were sent to the Army hospital for counselling in relation to things that were troubling us..we were diagnosed as Suffering from PTSD, from things that we had experienced. I suffer from flashbacks and overwhelming feelings of guilt. I admit that alonmg with the guilt at times i can feel anger bubbling just under the surface. The problem is i realise that the anger is unchanneled....and so i lash out at the nearest object when i'm suffering. I am willing to make any changes trust me i never wanted to be this way....its weird looking back at the past seeing how i've changed, i guess the best way of describing me at the moment is Dr Jekyll with MR Hyde lurking underneath, and i don;t want to be this way anymore....I have tried describing all i've learnt both from here and other resources, and i'm doing everything in my power to try and stop being this way. I just want the normal life.