I was asking you about the purpose of this. Do you think that this will be helpful to you, your mother or the relationship between the two of you..especially since your relationship is strained and you have been estranged so many years. I don't think she will GET IT. Will it help YOU to share with her or to identify this for her? I'm just feeling that this will get you nowhere and I'm wondering what you were thinking the purpose of such a conversation would be.

I see myself in you, Rin. Remember, PERFECT DAUGHTERS..trying to FIX IT..We can't FIX IT...We can't FIX THEM..Isn't that the FIRST STEP..Acknowledgement of your LACK OF POWER over the craziness from the alcoholic FOO...

Have you seen the movie, PRINCE OF TIDES or read the book? One of my favorite scenes is when Nick Nolte goes to CONFRONT his elderly father about how he was abused in childhood and the father COMPLETELY DENIES THAT IT HAPPENED...I think nine times out of ten that this is the case...

What's important is YOUR OWN HEALING...what you do with YOUR OWN LIFE NOW.....with your OWN FAMILY...

To idenitfy this behavior...and to make an O&H statement for myself...No, I don't think that she will get it...it's really for me.


Thank you for the reminder...I needed that.


I completely agree...I'm presently working to make a stand against the abuse in my own house, that FWH is doing...he likes to make threats and intimidate...

I don't think that this is happening because of me...it may be present in our lives right now for him...a dose of his own medicine sort to speak...I think God has a funny way of showing us the things that we need to learn...

Hi, believer...thank you for offering your advice...I do think that FWH is a big boy and this is just another consequence of his A that HE has to deal with...However, like you said I don't have to put up with her being disrespectful to him...

I wouldn't expect him to have to "just deal" with it and he wouldn't expect me to "just deal" with it from one of his family members.

It's not like I "have" to have her in my life...I have to have my DH, and kids.

This is kinda like saying, "I'm sorry you got hurt getting me my favourite (whatever), down at that ghetto store the other day. Here's a handgun. I wont think badly of you if you use it. Now go get me another one".


there are multiple things you can do.

For example, you can tell your husband (and optionally, her), that if she continues to give him a hard time against your wishes, she will no longer be welcome around you.

Whether or not you havent seen her in a long time, and whether or not you plan to do so in the future, is irrelevant. What will mean the most to him, is whether or not you choose to visibly stand up to your mother for him.

You've already asked your mother not to "speak her mind".. but your husband doesnt know that.


That is a set of statements that together say that you are choosing not to protect your husband.

If HE wished it to be only between the two of them, that's one thing. But sounds like you are not giving him that choice. You are making it yourself. You have not offered to stand by him. It sounds like you are only offering to stand back.

He does know that I've asked her not to speak her mind.

I've asked her once...she didn't listen the first time...why would she comply the second...

She have nothing to lose...she's met her grandkids only four or five times in their lives...in the thirteen years FHW and I have been together, I've seen her three maybe four...

FWH knows that I will stand up for him...he's the main reason why I don't talk to my parents...they don't like him because of his color...

Techie, I really appreciate your ideas and I understand what you are trying to say...regardless of my mom and her mouth...FWH and I will stick...I have given up alot in my life to be with him...that's not going to change.

Thank you so much for sharing with me...the most that I feel I can do with her is say: I ask you not to say anything to FWh and you did.

Sounds like a good solution to me...

Thank you, mimi!

I picked up FWH for lunch and I told him what was on my mind...the choices I felt that I had...FWH said at some point he can't even recall what she said.

I said "Oh, yeah, I think it's best that you didn't say anything because you would have been reacting instead of acting."

He said that he didn't see any point in saying something to her now; however, should she try to make a scene at the Christmas party he will speak up. He said that he wanted to say things like : "Where were you for your DD graduation from college, or the birth of her first and second child?"

Also, "I've been taking care of her!"

FWH asked me one question regarding when I told her. He asked if I have told her about my ONS...I said Yes, I did because I wasn't trying to hide anything and I felt that it was related.

FWH said that he wanted me to know that he did not plan for his A to happen, that he wasn't trying to get back at me for my ONS, and that he had no intentions of anything happening...it just did.

I said "thank you for telling me that, I really appreciate it" and left it at that.

For him to say that did mean alot to me...for him to bring it up was worth a weight of gold. It's a sign to me that we are on the right track...I can signs of remorse.

I feel that this has been a bonding experience and FWH said no matter how bad they (SD and MOM) doesn't want him with me that he's not going anywhere and that they will have to deal with it. Also, That they can't do anything to break us up.

Out of consideration for my DH, I will not say anything to my mother. He feels that things will take care of itself.

Needless to say, I'm feeling really great having spend my time with DH and talking the way we did!

Thanks to all of you who helped me figure out what i wanted to say to him which opened a gate for the two of us!

Hugs and Kisses to all! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Merry Christmas MiMi!

Merry Christmas Everyone! I hope that you all have a great holiday should I not talk to you between now and then!

I wish you all the merriest of days, that your mind is at peace from your troubles, that calmness blankets over you and your family. May God bless you and your's!

Happy holidays!

Rin,

Happy Holidays. Heck Happy holidays to all of you.

You have done great this year. I think you have done a wonderful job of growing as a person.

Just remember you are not perfect and you too can slip up. LOL. Do not be so hard on yourself for your missteps.

Each thing that is happening is happening for a reason. The stuff with the mom and the job and everything. There are reasons for them. I don't know them but there has to be a reason for them.

So go with them and have a great life as they are happening around you. I don't know if that makes sense or not.

I wish the best for you Rin in this New Year.

Happy New Year's Frog!

Thank you for all of your support...I really feel that the tools I have acquired this pass year have been priceless...

It's really funny that you mentioned my growth...I really got the chance to see how acting and not reacting make a different...and LOL...it came natural...

L almost spent the New year in the hospital...Thank God...we didn't have that to deal with...L and I spent the day enjoying each other's company, playing PS2 and watching football... (Our team won!) Looking forward to watching LSU Wed...LMAO...we bleed purple and gold here!

F is visiting MIL and we'll get him back this weekend...DH went ride his bike with...big surprise...the main boss of the company and a friend of our's...the boss called and invited DH to go...

I'm hopeful for this year...actually excited because of the way yesterday began...

DH came home and was telling me about his adventure and even said "This is an assumption but..." I was proud of him...

Communication is still diffucult sometimes but we're working on it...I have faith, given what I have seen so far...

Thanks for the encouragement...LMAO...and I'm not doing it today...MOF, I'm patting myself on the back today...but in the future should I start kicking myself...I'll know that I can count on you and others to help me recenter...

It's getting easier by the day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Happy New Year Rin!

Sounds like its going to be a good one for you and yours! Sending my best wishes...YOU ROCK! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Happy New Year Rin! It sounds like you and your husband are still making steady progress. That's great - keep it at. As BigKahuna has thumped into my brain many a time, recovery is a process.

I hope 2007 is the best year for you and yours yet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Right back at you guys! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yeap, I really got to see how my own expectations has ruined a situation...I got mad twice in the past few days and had to stop myself and ask "Why are you mad?"

Hidden expectations...sounding quietly in my own mind and not expressed to DH...I figured that there was no point in being mad...DH didn't know...I didn't say anything to him...

Situation was quickly resolved in my own mind...

Another time this past week, DH asked why I was wearing shorts and I quickly got mad and didn't answer him...about ten minutes later, I answered his question and had to explain that if I had answered his question then and there I would have been reacting to my own emotions and that wouldn't have been fair to him...

I can say that it FEELS great to be aware of little things like this...because all three times in the past, I would have started an argument...

I can say that I'm enjoying life SOOOO much now...before I didn't feel like I had one...I wasn't happy...I didn't stop to smell the flowers...I was mean, hateful, resentful...

I could go on but what's the point...can't change what I did, just what I'm doing...it's really refreshing...

To remember the despair and agony that an A can bring into your life...to Plan A...to fight for my M and come out feeling this good...

Not saying that there won't be bad days...it's just easier to get through them...being safe in the fact that no matter how my M or life turns out...I'm going to be okay...

I can even see some codependency between the two of us...there were a few times over the week where I felt like I couldn't do something I wanted to...not because DH said not to...I just felt in my mind that I couldn't because he was there...now the next time that happens, I hope that I'm aware of what I'm doing and investigate it more...


LMAO...perhaps we need to put that in our sig line...Kudos to bigkahuna!

I was wondering if this is a common in recovery:

I feel that I get along better with the kids than I do FWH...I mean I'm more comfortable with them than FWH...

I still feel that I have moments where I feel tension...it could be me...but I have felt like saying that to FWH: "I feel more comfortable around the kids than I do you!"

Just an O&H statement...

So, will the being more comfortable come with time...is there something that I can work on...

I know that there are some issues that FWH and I will disagree on...and that's okay...it's how to handle the feelings that go along with it I guess...

Should we leave the issues that we don't see eye to eye on alone...

This is part of the uncomfortable feeling...sometimes, I can't explain the reason for being uncomfortable...

Like I said in my earlier post...I quoted HB "recovery is a process." Is this part of the process...feeling closer to the kids than FWH...

We are still at the beginning...

Hi Rin!

Happy New Year, and thanks for checking in on me!

About the comfort level with FWH, well, I have found it most comforting to be around my DS. It's easy to relate to him, to talk to him, to be O&H with him, without worrying about some conflict to resolve. Also, love for you children is not exactly the same as love for a spouse, at least IMHO. I don't really know that the comment should be stated to WH, but maybe try to ask YOURSELF why it is true. Maybe try to incorporate how you communicate with your kids in how you speak to your WH. Mabye your level of respect is higher for them, or maybe you feel more respected BY them. I don't know, just questions to ask yourself.

Anyway, just my thoughts...

Be thankful that your children aren't teenagers or young adults who of course are MUCH SMARTER and KNOW SO MUCH MORE about life than their parents...

Mimi...glad to see her YS go back to college EARLY....

This middle-aged mom loves them but can only stomach small doses...

Openness and Honesty..with those knuckleheads??? You've got to be kidding?? Do you know how this would be used against me?....<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

ENJOY YOUR TIME, YOUNG LADIES!!!!

Thanks, SL...I think that you kinda hit on a part of it...


I do wonder if what I have to say is going to be refuted, my feelings or thoughts invalidated...he has been getting better...the other night I said that I had some things on my mind but I didn't want to talk about them because I wasn't comfortable telling him about it.

Well, yesterday, FWH asked me about it...I mentioned waht it was but I didn't go into detail...FWH didn't say a word...just listened...

I guess that it really bothers me that I know he doesn't accept some of my personal choices regarding SF (some things that I did and not refuse to do) and I want him to accept them...

LOL...sounds like a case of wanting what I want when I want it huh? Guess, I need to talk to myself and accept the fact that he may not ever accept my choices or understand why I'm choicing what I'm choicing...

I'm sure that it's a case of insecurity b/c once he said that if I didn't do it (A was still going on prior to D-day) that he would get it from somewhere else and this haunts me to be honest.

I keep telling myself that should he chose to do that, he knows what I will do, and he just has to live with it...

I feel as if he doesn't respect me in that department...but I feel that I didn't respect myself at the time and now I do. I once told him that I felt that he wasn't respect my chose to not this.

FWh has said that I needed to remember how I caught him...not recently of course...I feel like I need to say that he's just going to have to deal with it and if he can't he knows where the door is...

Then, I wonder if this was all WH talk and should I just forget about it...but then again...FWH made a comment at the NYE party...said that he was tired of maybe trying to convince me or fighting me...I don't really remember his words...but the commeent is sticking to my soul...

Yesterday, when I shared my comments...I made it known that my position on the subject hasn't changed...

I guess I'm worrying for no reason...that's not exactly focusing on the present, right?

Okay, I quit...I feel like I'm talking in circles...LOL

Rin,

Happy New Year. I think SL hit it on the head.

HI SL.

One thing that may also play into this though is the clearly defined roles and hierarchy within a parent child dynamic. That is not present in a M. If I tell my kids to take out the garbage they do. If I tell the FWW to take out the garbage she may tell me to put the garbage where the sun don't shine. Heck even when I am wrong or being unfair I am still the parent. That doesn't go over to well with the FWW.

You are the boss. LOL.

The other thing that I have come to use in my head is that I don't want the FWW and I to agree on everything or necessarily have the same thoughts etc.

I want us to work toward a common goal!!!!! Using our differences to find the best way to achieve that goal.

I again will recommend to you counseling. I can tell you personally it has helped a lot.

Good luck and Happy New Years.

HI, Frog...Happy New Year to you too!

I'm excited that you posted today! Thank you!

Something must have triggered me at lunch...I had to pass by the "store" and was looking to see if FWH's truck was there...I even made a point of passing that way on the way back to the house instead of going another direction.

I was SOOO relieved to see his truck in the driveway. It's the distrust coming to surface today. I even got back to work and checked the cell bill. Now, there has been NC since 10/28 and here I am.

I'm thinking that's the old brain feeling the same feelings...you know because time does not changes those feelings...

Plus, I am still dealing with a fear of abandonment and a result of the comments FWH stated about if you won't someone else will...I mentioned those in a earlier post...when said he was W then.

So, I guess I have to deal with my uneasy feelings today...there are no grounds for them...it has to be triggered by me passing that terrible place...I wasn't feeling like that before then...

Thanks for listening and being there for me...all of you really...