My OS is in sixth grade. The homework has always been a problem this year is just different. Up until sixth grade we get a homework schedule. Most do it on the week. They put together all the homework due the week so you can see it.

Sixth grade they don't. So OS has liberties now that we can't see what needs to be done.

I am in a wonderful place and I am glad you are too. If you are not accepting crumbs you will get the cake. LOL.

I think the most important thing in you is that you are not pushing.

I think a wise person told you long, long ago to slow down and figure out what you want. Stop trying the quick fixes.

I forget who that was. Maybe it was hurtingless. But anyway I see that is the major difference. No overwhelming changes.

There is nothing wrong with change it just has to have a purpose.

As far as my schedule it will always be hectic. FWW has AA at least twice a week. With the move she hasn't been going but as soon as we are settled in she will start again. She talks to her sponsor at least 2 times a day.

I am coaching baseball this year for YS. So more comittment.

Things are going great. I see light at the end of the financial tunnel. I have already settled one of our outstanding debts. Went from 15k to 6k so I save 9k on it. Now beleive it or not the M problems will help me with the IRS. Our MC is writing a letter saying I had anxiety and depression. So that will help and I figure with the new job we will have everything paid off in less then a year.

The move is happening right now. FWW is handling it. Mostly as an ownership thing. She made the decesion to move 8 months ago and it turned out bad so she owned fixing it. I have helped but most of it went on her. I told her that is why I stayed out.

She has responded well to it. At times she has been a little irked.

So little by little it is getting to where I want it to be.

I see the same in you. Just remember the goal is not to be right and to have the perfect M. It is to be happy in your M.

I think you nailed it...like I has said I think I was trying hard to force a solution...

I am very happy at present and I think that H going back to nights was a wonderful thing...I mean we may not get a whole lot of time together but we are using the time we have to enjoy each other...

Like SL said...we forgot how to just have fun...

I do think it was HB that said that and LA from time to time...

LOL...How often did I hear stand still...breathe...let him caught up...

I was just SO fearful that I was going to lose him b/c I didn't want an "open" M...

I told him I know that you have probably said to me that you're fine with just me and you but it's not sticking in my head...well, I guess I was REALLY listening that time because I "heard" him and for me the world is so much brighter...

I feel understood just by him said that he knew there was a way for us to be happy but didn't know how to get there...I don't know any better than him but we have been doing SOOOO much better since that night.

I am so happy!!! Now, I told him that I would not pay the cell bill...H hasn't done anything about my contract since we both had to get new phones, the contract was renewed at the same time...upgrade [email]cr@p...[/email]

So, I thought when I see it in my email just saying "The cell bill ready to be paid." If anything is said from him about me paying it, I will say that if I pay it, I will look at the calls and see if you have been talking to OW...

I really don't think that he has with his behavior, but I could be wrong...

I've thought about it long and hard anyway...OW is trash and H said that she has nothing to offer him...I've watched and seen at the height of the A how many calls that was, Jesus! Since d-day C has become less and less...the A was dieing anyway when I found out about it...

She is of no threat to me at this point...

Frog, I think that we have talked about this...the curious he had is gone...and he knows what will happen should something like this happen again...

I remember the feelings that I had with someone new and how I got bore with that person...

I've made a lot of changes and have corrected some really bad behaviors with me...I've become a better wife and I am more aware of my actions...

OMG, there is such a difference with us not REACTING to each other...

Not taking on each other's mood...I mean we had our little moments but they are quickly handled...remember we would go for days over the littlest thing...then, it was a few hours...well, we're talking a few minutes or less...

Life is good...

Thank you Sir Frog and all the others that have been here for me... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Just a quick little update...H and I are still doing well...I seem to get an ILU everytime we talk along with a pet name of sorts...

Yesterday I did get mad at him...I went to work to give him dinner and the gate at work was shut and locked...so I called...he said that he didn't have an welders show up on account of the Chinees New year...so they knocked off...him and the guy that he was with stopped at a bar to have a beer...

I told him that I would have appreicated a call letting me know before I drove there to bring his food...L was sleeping...he was horrible at the parade's end so I left F to watch him for the few minutes that it took to run over there...I told H I left the kids at the house and why to bring him his supper...I was gone maybe fifteen minutes but I don't like leaving them here...

He apologized again and five minutes after I was home he walked throught the door...He asked what was wrong and I said that I was mad...He apologized again and told me the story...said that he didn't think I would be leaving that early to bring him dinner and thought he had some time, that he didn't even think to call...

I owned it and that mad me feel good, in the past I would have blamed my anger on something else, the kids, whatever was convenient...so big change for me...becoming more of a habit now...good deal!

Well, we spend last night putting some lights on his bike...team work by the end of the task...LOL...not at the beginning...H told me not to touch anything, we were having some trouble getting some parts off...so I sat down...well, he went to put a block use the kickstand and I said why don't you turn it the other way...he told me that I could help him that I saw that he was struggling...

LOL...to me, he looked like he was doing JUST fine, so I told him that he told me not to touch anything and that I couldn't read his mind...that he didn't ask for help...he went on saying that he wasn't trying to be an [censored] but I could have got up to give him a hand...

I waited a moment or two then said in my eyes I don't think that you struggle with much of anything...then I dropped the whole thing...I knew he was aggravated because of the bolt and not the right tools, blah, blah...He repeated I think twice more that he was trying to be an a$$ about it...

I was ready to go inside...no ill will or anything like that...we both behaved and ended up each working on a side and then checking out the other's to see how it ended up...all in all it was good...I did go to bed MUCH later than I wanted to b/c he was home...I wanted to be in bed for 10 and it was more like 1...

Now, you all remember that at one point I avoided SF b/c I felt like it was a chore and b/c H tried doing a something I wasn't comfortable with or I was scared he was going to try...well, we had SF THREE times yesterday...WOWBABY!

Twice in the morning and again that night...lol...I don't remember the last time that happened...now don't get me wrong it wasn't earth moving or anything like that but it was good...there was no goal of the O, like there once was, it didn't matter when he got his...it was just us being...together...

So, H was home with F today...no school till Thurs., and I brought L to the sitter...I pat wheather he going four days or five...so he goes...anyway, H and F rode the bike and stopped by work to see me and then I met them at home for lunch, napped with H for a few...no, really napped! I was really tired today...

Then my boss let me off work early today, so I picked up L, came home, and we went eat an early supper...H had to leave the restuarant b/f us but we got to spend a little time together...I'll bring him something to eat b/f the boys and I head out to the parade tonight...

I do have something that's on my mind that I want to ask H about that F said today...I think it's a guy thing with his boyz...whatever, ut am going to ask anyway...

F asked e why I was mad at dad today and I said that I wasn't why? F said that when I called H today they were visiting some of the guys from the other shop H worked at and H told the guys that I was pi$$ed because I knew him and F were riding around and they hadn' come by the office to see me...I don't understand why he lied like that...anyway, I told F that wasn't true that I called because I was the only one at the office and I was getting sleepy...

I knew that H wasn't busy and called to tlak to help stay awake...So, F repeated what his dad did and said...I just down get it...why make me look like the bad guy to his boyz...

Outside of some little things, I'm doing great and think that we are doing well...

Daddy says "Don't sweat the small stuff and everything's small!"

I don't know...it's good...just wonder about the trust issue and if I'll ever trust him without questioning him...today I did ask which bar they went too...

Time...progress not perfection!

I had a few moments today...one related to my trust issue with H...old behavior...but I didn't act on that behavior...so that's a plus...

I did yell at the kids tonight and then melted down and started saying stuff like I don't get any help around here...I bet H sits on his butt after he gets home and F replied "Yeap!"

That's about the time when I realized I was doing some old school stuff...I apologized to the kids, really F...I had asked him to sweep and that didn't get done today...so we did it together...just the kitchen...then I joked with him about folding clothes...I asked him if he knew how to fold towels...he said he knew how to fold anything...I told himt o watch his mouth or he would be folding everything...

He said I do...I said I didn't hear that...and we both laughed...I asked him to try to help me out a little more...He's a great kid...

Well, I have to call H and talk about that issue with his co-workers that bothering me...I thought for sure someone would have had a suggestion but I didn't come out and ask, so that's my fault...

Thanks for listening...hope everyone is doing well...

Rin,

Just wanted you to know that I'm here, reading along. I haven't gotten that spark of anything to contribute. I'm with you, though.

LA

Rin,

I did read your post. IMVHO I think the reason you didn't get a lot of response or thought on the issue is because the response would be a standard MB response.

Your H isn't respecting your boundries. I am sorry but if my FWW got off of work early and went out afterwards. You know what scratch that.

I am a BS, I am a considerate person. If I got off of work early and wanted to go have a beer with the guys I would call and tell my FWW of my plans.

It is common consideration. Not a big deal. I am sorry but you don't own being angry about this. You have a right to be upset at his inconsiderate behavior.

Now add to that he could have saved you a trip to his work well now that add's fuel to the fire.

I know as a man, no matter the shape of my M. No matter who did what. If I did that I would own I was inconsiderate to my W. I would be ticked if the roles were reversed.

So I don't know how to advise about it. I would normally say you need to enforce your boundries. This causes problems for your H in that he feels controlled when you do this and rebels.

So my answer would be for you to call him every time before you go down to make sure he is there. That way if he gets off of work early you don't make the trip for nothing.

LA _ thanks for chiming in and letting me know that you are still around for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I appreciate you being close!

Frog- I totally agree with you...H did apologize and said that he didn't think to call b/c I normally don't show up that early. Personally, I didn't think the time that I showed up matter...in my minds eyes it's a matter of common courtous. I think I will call before heading out there from no one.

I did talk to H about the other issue and F asking me why was I mad about him and his dad riding the bike the other day. H said that F didn't understand the joke, that he wouldn't make me out to be the b9tch. He was joking that I was at work and would rather be riding with him instead. Basically, I think it was an assumption on his part...H assumes alot.

We had something else come up this morning...H broke a tooth and needs to go to the dentist because it's hurting him. I asked him this morning what he has planned. He asked what did I mean, he had gotten undressed and was trying to go to sleep but that tooth was bothering him. I said well, I could call to make the appt. but last time I said that I would make your appt. anymore. He said well, then don't.

I asked him if he remember why but he didn't answer me, so I left it at that. I gave him a kiss before I left the house and said that I hoped he got that taken care of. So, he's a big boy and can find the number himself.

A little history, H had a root canal and he hasn't been back for the second part in well over a year. I called and made three separate appts. for him and had to cancel them. Well, i told him the last time that I cancelled the spt. from then on he could make his own appts. So, I'm going to hold to that boundary...it's not my tooth...it's not hurting me...and he's a big boy!

If I say that I think he was upset with me this morning for reminding him that I wasn't going to make any dentist appt. for him then I would be DJing right? Because he didn't say that to me? Frankly, if he was, I don't care...he needs to be more responsible for his stuff.

Also, I told him that I snapped the other night and said "You're dad probably comes in and sits on his butt when he gets home, and F's response." I told him that was old behavior and I stopped myself from going any further with it. I use to be really bad about stuff like that.

Yesterday, after the kids and I returned from the parades, H said that he missed it all. Well, my studip thinking sometimes said that he didn't miss anything. He said "Easy for you to say you were there!" I thought it was best not to say anything at that point. Later, on the way to his work, I thought about it and the boys when they caught something they really liked and realized H did miss alot.

So, when we arrived to give him his lunch, I said that I was wrong for saying that he didn't miss anything because he missed the kids. At that point, L had to show him the male doll with shorts that he caught.

H stood there and talked to us a little while and then told me that I needed to go home and get some rest. Said that he needed to go check on all these new guys that he just got.

I had the worse night's sleep, I dreamed about everything, nightmares...nothing about the A, thank God! And everything was SOOOO real, I even knew that I was sleeping...it was almost like being caught between sleep and being awake...Hellish! I think it may be related to this med the Dr. put me on to help me sleep. I started dreaming again when I started taking it...otherwise I wouldn't get to the dream state, I would wake up before I got to it.

I'm still waking several times a night but I think it may be a better quality sleep. Undetermined yet!

Well, thanks for hearing me out...I'm going to get this boundary thing down pat...lol...just a little slower than most. LOL

Hey Rinder... you seem mostly happy... I was wondering if you could (re)summarize what you are doing, and what your husband is doing, that is different from mb standards.

From what I gather so far, it seems to be:

- you are not "checking up' on your husband (at least as far as looking at phone bills... anything else?)
- you are "letting him be responsible for his actions".
one part of this, was letting him make his own appointments. but seemed to imply that he also has to deal with whether or not he contacts OW still?

- your husband may or may not still be in contact with OW, and you are choosing not to fight about this ... ?

Anything else non-standard you are doing?

Also, how far does the "He's gonna do what he's gonna do" attitude go? What are your limits, and what would you do if they were reached?
ie: what if he started *regularly* talking to OW again? or having a lunch or two with her a month?

Hey, techie...I just wrote about that on AmI thread in recovery...the topic came up and I want to make sure that my ducks are in a row for when the bill comes in...

I think the only think I'm doing different is not checking the cell bill for C...

Outside of this getting off work early thing the other day I know where he is...I can account for his time otherwise...

I was explaining on AmI's thread about my belief that I don't consider the A ongoing in my case if he's only talking to her...that was one of the problem in the beginning...I thought that I had to believe that the A was ongoing if there was C...

I can say that my A wasn't ongoing after I confessed to H...I still saw him from time to time and OM actually repulsed me...not my choice to see him either...

OW did some dirt, tried going home with his BF, contracted his BF about a week later and lied about it, H's main thing with my A was it was with one of his friends, so the fact that OW did this doesn't put her to high in his book...

Anyway, I will not tolerate him seeing her and I will process with a Plan B possibly Plan D...should I ever hear of another A, I will not R with H...I will cut my loses because I don't deserve to be treated that way....

I have fought long and hard to get to the point where it's just me and him...I have that right now...H admitted that he knew there was a way for the two of us to be together and be happy without OP...admitted he didn't know the way...

Much of my happiness stems from not being in an "OPen" R...H had said that to me several times but I just couldn't understand it...

So, really to answer your question...the cell phone bill...I think that's all! It's coming close to me crossing that road too...I should be giving the bill in my email soon...I plan to tell H that's it's in and that he needs to pay it...NC, I pay...I pay all of the bills...C, he pays...

Should he say that there's been NC and I look at the bill and there has been C, I don't pay it and if the phones get turned off...so be it! I don't need it...it's a luxury to me...I'm by a phone all day long...it's not a luxury to him...

Hope that helps sum up what I'm doing...I'm really just trying hard to work on my boundaries and what I will and will not accept...one day at a time...

Today, I remembered I said that I won't make anymore dentist appts. for him and today I have to stand by that b/c I almost screwed that up...I would have called and made the appt. for him...I would have...

So, as much as I would like to help him out I have to how that he can do this and if he doesn't it's not my fault. For that matter, he could have made the appt. Monday or the end of last week. Today, is a stepping stone for me.

I know that I should not be thinking about this but I was so here goes.

First, let me say that I just ordered the "Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. It was recommended to me, so what the heck, I may learn something!

Here's the deal:

I was thinking if I were yto make a list of all the things that I do in our M and a list of the things that H does in the M...IMO, he would have a very short list...

My S refers to herself as June Clever...lol...well, I am the average working mom, who pays the bills, cooks and cleans, cares for the kids, maintains the house, etc.

It appears to me that all H does is go to work, eat, sleep, clean his bike, cuts the grass, and I'm sure other things that aren't crossing my mind...alot of his time is consumed by his job...on the average 12 hours a day...sometimes 16 hours...

Things have been improving in some areas, we are getting along better these days...H has agreed on the outside at least about OP, the request for the ASF has been resolved, and I am setting boundaries slowly but surely...

I am sure that this arrangement is great for him...I understand that his job requires phy. and mental activity...alot of phy. activity TBH...

I would like more help...H has only once complained about the condition of the house a few months back and the comment was made to anger me...remember when he broke the glass in the entertainment center and I refused to clean it up...outside of that, H never says anything about stuff like that...

H does displince the kids, and from time to time will wash a batch of clothes or something...like Frog refers to it...it's crumbs from my POV...usually done when I don't expect it...

I guess my main question is How do I go about changing my actions in an effort to have more of an equal partnership? Not I can ask H to do something and he will agree but will not do it or it takes forever...

I have to say that there was a time when we would cook together, clean, go to the washatria (?) together...I think I can even pinpoint when this changed...I was PG for F in 98 and lost my job and couldn't get another b/c I was PG...of course, no one would say that...

So I stayed home and my life revolved around take care of him until F was born...then, H lost his job and I was already working...H found another job working offshore and was gone a large part of the time...I had to handle everything by myself for weeks on end...and it's been that way ever since...

H has been home almost every night as a result of work in over five years, but does work long hours...including weekends...

Am I asking for to much? I mean to help me...it's not all that bad TBH...I would just appreciate more...we do discuss decisions...I keep him up to date on what's being paid...what's going on with the kids...stuff with the house...we are really talking alot these days...I'm working on being open and honest...but I want to know when I'm being unreasonable...

I work 8 hours and go home...I have my busy days but for the most part, I'm behind a desk and if I don't feel like cooking well we go eat somewhere...no complains from him...

Well, thanks for letting me share...I apprecaite it...I hope that I portrayed a true picture here...

Well, I got home today and got a [email]cr@ppy[/email] a$$ kiss from H...he said that the CPU was running slow...

I went into the kitchen to begin cooking and when he got in there to gather his stuff for work he said that it was Ash Wed and I couldn't eat meat today...I said well, you have to eat (He's Baptist, I'm Catholic) and I don't have any seafood, I'll ask for forgivness later. Hecame to give me a kiss before he left and instead of planting it on the lips like he usually does...he kissed me on the side of my head...like temple...

And off to work he went...A little earlier I looked up lent and read about the no meat thing...So it said no beef or chicken...nothing about pork...so I TMed him that I would be okay, it's only beef or chicken that there wasn't any pork mention...not a word from him...

Don't know if he made an appt. for the dentist, nothing...he wasn't very talkative...

I did check the history on the computer...porn...well, just boobs...it's been that way for a while...almost everyday...well, I was cleaning his end table last night and he has a little book that he keeps passwords in and there's a list of boob sites...

I wrote that he had a problem and needed to face it under the last line.

So, he stopped looking at all naked woman and now just looks at topless woman...

OMG...LOL...do we consider that progress? I've been keeping an eye on him without saying anything for a while...deciding what I'm going to do next...

I'm working on one issue at a time...I can think of better things to do that look at porn...

I have made up my mind on this...should I ever decide that this M is no longer in my best interest, I will not announce it, talk about it, let him know that I'm having problems, or anything...he will just be served...plain and simple...done deal...

Well, enough negative stuff...I'm having a bad night...I'm tired for sure...and hungry...so I need to get something to eat...

Thank you all for letting my just type away...

((((Rind)))

Sorry you're having a sucky day too. I think that's a good idea to only work on one issue at a time....otherwise just to overwhelming.

Today I'm working on licking my wounds. And tomorrow is another day.

Still

I just lost my post and I'm am having such a bad night personally...

i was reading about verbal abuse and LA I had some stuff for you in there too and I lost it all...

I feel vulnerable for posting this and weak...and I believe that I am in a verbal and emotional abusive M...and that's really difficult to chew...

then I look at H and think that he treats me well...but can know that he doesn't sometimes...

I'm terrified of possibly having to change my future b/c the changes that I am/have made are good enough to make a difference in my M...

I am have a very weak night...I mean how can someone so weak be the lighthouse...

I'm just a mess tonight...I read about how the abuser will refuse counseling because there's nothing wrong with them.

I'm a mess...thank you all for supporting me...I really feel the need to run...just run away...no kids...nobody...just me...

Well, I had a much better pity party post...oh well!

Rinder, so sorry you are having a crappy night.

I'll be praying for you tonight.

You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.

Thanks E! I believe that...LOL...MOF, in my nightmares lasy night I had to call God to my side in my dream...I remember doing it several times...

Well, I just got off the phone with H...he called...not a very pleasant conversation IMO...

I got the "WHat's up with you today? You seem like you've had an attitude with me all day!" Which I replied I have been fine all day until I came back and started reading on verbal and emotional abuse...I told H what started it for me was the comment that I made to him yesterday about not missing anything at the parades...

I can tell my his comments that he thinks I'm wrong and is trying to make me felt guilt for not making his dentist appt. He asked me what he was working and why I had to cancel the appts. last year towhich I replied I didn't remember but I did remember the last time I called and cancelled that I told the receptionist that H could call and make his own appt. from now on...

H told me not to worry about his tooth that if it gets bad enough that he will call and make the appt. I told him that it wasn't because I didn't care about him and didn't want to do things for him. IMO, from my POV that he is taken care of very well especially now that he's working nights.

I mentioned to him that I knew I was verbally abusive to him and some of the things that were on the list...like refusing counseling becuase there was nothing wrong with him, and I said not him specifically that's what the list said...I mentioned forgetting...refuting what the OP says, thinks, and believes...

At the end of the conversation he said that he hopes that all my books and stuff help me. I feel that in itself was abusive.

I also asked him about why he holds me to my religion and he said if that's what you're going to teach them then you need to teach them everything. I asked him if he believed everything that his religion taught him. He replied No, I said well, I don't believe in alot of the things that my religion teaches us either and it's not like I can go out and start my own.

I feel that him pushing me to uphold the traditions of my religion is a means to control...especially when he throws in the kid thing.

Oh, I also said that another common thing with verbal abuse is the feeling that an issue had been talked about but nothing has been resolved. He agreed with that one. I told him that I have taken the quiz on being abusive and on being abused. That I scored abusive without realizing it and I did answer yes to two or more questions on being abused. I stated how I felt that it was a sap in the face to me that I can only try to be more aware of the things that I say.

He was very unsympathic and I got exactly what I expected from him as far as his statements and responses.

Of course, the conversation kept migrating back to that tooth and for me not to worry about it. I told him how I felt like the fool for setting up three appt. and having to call and cancel each one of them. How I thought this morning okay if I do call, what time should I set the appt for, what should I say when they ask me what's wrong with him...

I could tell that he didn't understand or refused to understand...he's so use to me handing everything over to him...just ready and waiting for him...I'm sick of being his puppet!

I told him that I thought he was trying to amke my feel guilty this morning when he told me not to worry about making the appt. I asked him what time did he go to sleep. He said he didn't know. I said what time did you wake up...he said that he woke up about one and was back up at, I don't know, 3 or so...I asked did you call and make an appt... H replied no, I asked why...his response...I didn't feel like it!

Now, he's been complaining about that tooth since last week...

I can official say that our win-win streak has come to an end ladies and gentlemen...why b/c I wouldn't make a damN call for him...he all but said it...

I can even tell you the things that he's going to say next time the subject is brought up...I don't care about him...it's all about me, me, me...Blah, blah, blah...

There was no loving ending to our conversation...no ILU's like we have been ending them with...it was him telling me to go to bed...and me saying have a good night...

What makes a mother want to give up her kids? Having to deal with a man like mine for the rest of their lives, that's what...YES, I'm JUST venting...up my kids but the thought has crossed my mind if it meant never having to deal with him again...

I was even thinking that I would rather live in an apt. rather than have to fight him over this house...I mean he)), he would rather burn it down than see another man in his house ever.

You know another characterist was feeling trapped...I do feel trapped sometimes...and wonder if it's by my own making...

I understand why some OP here say that sometimes there's too much water under the bridge...

It's so easy to fill my LB up and so quick to go red...

Sometimes I wonder if I should be sharing anything I think with him becuase I believe that when he wants to he'll use it against me...

I hope that all your books and stuff help you. What kinds of statement is that to make to your wife? Read between the lines, something's wrong with you...nothing wrong with me...

I'm ranting...You knwo I'm ranting...better to DJ here than to him right?

You know I actually entertained the thought today: He's getting his bonus Thurs./Fri. I could hide money and he would never know it.

I can hear LA telling me if you will DJ him in your mind you will DJ him in person...I hear my voice for you in my head...

I'm almost ready to accept that no matter WHAT "I" do it's not going to make my M any better...I could be the best lighthouse around and it's not going to be good enough...
I will not have the R/M that "I" need with this person...

Reading tonight on this abuse has so thrown me for a loop...

I'm sure in his eyes I was trying to teach him...not share what I learned...I almost told him your a big boy, you can make your own appts.

BEing a provider is not good enough for me...money it's everything...It's a love/hate relationship and I'm doomed if I don't pull myself together...I let him get the best of me...and I wonder why I still feel like I have to protect my books...

When things are great, they are great...when things are bad, they are bad...where's the middle ground here? There's no compimsing with him...

Okay, I have to stop right now or I will type all night, repeating myself, hating him more and more...I control me thoughts...

He tried to smooth things over about the appt I had to cancel, blaming it on work...asked me what hours he was working...like I remember what he worked last year...not like the dentist is open on the weekends...

Okay...I quit...I'm ranting and raving and it's really pointless, but it does kind of make me feel better...I KNOW I'M NOT CRAZY!

Rinder,

Sorry for the bad day. Try not to enter the BS fog. We have one to. Kind of sounds like you're starting to rationalize and justify actions that you havn't taken yet. I hope that book isn't the culprit. Did you feel this way before the book? Is that the reason you got it?

Hopefully in a few days H will be acting like he has been more recently and you can get past this. Try to stay positive.

Rind,

I'm having a hard time staying asleep... obviously (lol). I too feel that I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive M. I know I could be verbally abusive at time. And my WH could be both. I'm working on my end of this.
My WH doesn't think any of it was him.
Again sorry it was a bad day. Today is another.

Still

Morning! Cajun, I haven't got the book yet...I just ordered it!

Still...I'm sorry that you couldn't sleep...i was on the way to work this morning and am so sleepy...

MOF, I think I need to call the Dr. and let him know that this is the second time that we had tried this med...first time was for depression and this time he gave it to me for sleeping trouble. I know that I have been VERY agressive on it and I'm still waking several times a might, not to mention, so sleepy in the morning...

It's so hard to keep my eyes open...

I don't remember the last time I slept all night...

Last night was just a bad night...I admit I fell off the horse and revered back to old behaviors...I even woke up this morning thinking negative...H this and H that...

I have been doing so well...I'm actaully disappointed in myself...

I was just reading the list and having to admit that this is the way things are...H has refused counseling as you all know b/c there's nothing wrong with him...he's happy with himself...

I really feel that I'm the sick one and that he's the healthy one...I was thinking to myself this morning how he has said "according to who" when I tell him that I read this or that...it's almost like the P who write books are making everything up...

I wish I could get him to go to MC SO BAD...

I feel misunderstood and most of the time nothing is resolved.

It was just one big ranting and raving session for me last night...that's all it was...I want to move past it and forget it...

I even feel that I have to protect myself...I deleted only my MB history and left everything else up.

We, well, H wants to buy a camper in the next few months...I have been having my doubts...thinking that should our M not work out do I really want to be entangled with another bill...

I think that this is the main thing that started the whole episode is what he thinks about me not making the dentist appt.for him...I'm being selfish according to him in not so many words...that there were valid reasons for me having to cancel the appts. last time...I said well, i'm the one that ended up looking like the fool, same thing with MC...I made the appt. b/c you agreed and then had to cancel...

I told him that I would rather not put myself ina sitch where I would have to call and cancel...he doesn't understand that this is best for me...

Whats's up with this boundary thing? It's almost as hard as having to deal with the venom after exposure.

I'll make a point to get right today...I will do my best to get right in my head...I just don't know...I don't know where to turn right now!

Hey Rinder,

Just wanted to share this song with you. I feel so empowered myself whenever I hear it, and I heard it this morning on the way to work and thought of you since I prayed for you.


Voice of Trust by Casting Crowns

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Chorus:
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

(((RIN)))

I've been following your thread, but just never know what to say. I'm here for you. Wish I could make things better.

-AmI.