Ok thanks for the advice, I guess I am still in plan A, but really emphasizing the stick. so it goes.
WS told me she broke up with OP. via email I know the words she used were " I need some space to deal with moving out on my own" she also said "you are the love of my life, I can't wait for our life together" so many contradictions. thank goodness for the keylogger!!!!!!!!!
focus is back to my plan B letter.

well, I have had quite a few weeks. I finally feel like I have been able to control myself. plan A going well. WS has been cuddling, sweet, wants to spend NYE together. (only because OP already has plans.)

but I had a tough xmas. on 12/24 I went to the garage to get a pump to inflate a toy, and found a bag of xmas presents to WS from OP. candle, love cards, monet picture, necklace from tiffany's. I practically died right on the spot. I knew they were together on sat, WS said she was going to a party, but I saw through it. WS didn't arrive home until 12am. Its just hit so hard again when i saw the gifts.

needless to say I had a restless night. I moved all her presents around and then the next morning she noticed someone had been in her stuff and said "now I know why you didn't sleep well" I asked her to remove all of these items from our home, I was very calm and controlled. she said she didn't want to hurt me, and I replied "too late for that"

I hate riding this wave, I feel so strong, then in a second I lose it all and get weak. I haven't let her see me cry in over 2 weeks though, thats good. feeling very weak today.

so, my problem is... she is finding it hard to get a job. no one wants to hire a nurse when they are in law school and employers know that it would be temporary. it doesn't help that she only applied for 1 job. states that it is the only one that will work for her school schedule.

she was supposed to get an apartment after the 1st of the year. she can't do that until she has a job secured.

so now what, she continues to see OP about 2x week, last night she left 5pm-12mn. these nights are so long for me. I end up spinning out. but not in front of her.

I want to plan B, but haven't figured out how. she has no where to go. every friend she has called for moral support has essentially told her to cut it out and crawl home before she screws up her life.

last time I asked her to go she said that it was her house too, and used the excuse to sleep at OP's when she wanted to, and sleep at home when she wanted. that was much worse.

I have day care lined up, but it would be hard to pay for without income from her. I just don't know what to do, I feel lost all over again.

I think you are about ready for Plan B. You will need to have a plan in place for support and care for the children. Please discuss that with your wife.

She will need to apply for more than one job if she wants her own apartment. Also she will probably have to quit school. Child support and an apartment are expensive. But I think it will help your situation, as she won't have so much time to lay in bed with OP.

FB,

I'm so sorry you are experiencing intense pain and betrayal right now. I promise you, it isn't forever. Believer may be correct...might be time for Plan B. I wanted to weigh in and ask you about your Plan A.

I see Plan A as being the reality bringer...where you state what is real because that keeps you grounded and into the routine of honesty, during the time when your whole world seems filled with fantasy.

What did you do with the bag of gifts? Did you put them in the street, with the garbage and state, "You have brought an attacker into our marriage (her AP), and you brought his stuff into our home. I am fighting for my marriage. I know you are choosing to attack our marriage through your choices."

Did you expose to everyone, including all of OM's family? WW's family?

Big kudos on realizing your LBs and controlling yourself...revoking permission for you to take out your stuff onto her stuff. Are you sharing, making Open and Honest (O&H) statements? Like when she comes home at midnight and you say, "I feel deep anger from pain of your betrayal. I cannot wrap my mind around who you are right now and the woman I have loved for 15 years."

Polite, direct and calmly. Simple statements. Your truth.

Bring reality and intimacy...which is knowing your stuff and sharing it...and stating the truth of actions.

This is how you break enmeshment...which is you not knowing where you end and she begins...where her thoughts are the truth instead of her truth...and yours are your own. The Truth are actions...choices we make...not what we feel, think, believe or perceive. Get solidly to where you can distinguish her stuff from reality, so you can stay in and state reality.

Do not choose based on response...nor on conditions. She CAN move out at anytime...she can move in with OP, homeless shelter, friends and family. Part of the consequences to an A is that she becomes an enemy of the marriage...her choice...and you must defend against enemies of your marriage.

Reinforce her power, her choices "I know you can move out at any moment. I know you are not staying here because you don't have options. I respect you're capable and conscious of what you're doing, which is breaking a family apart."

She may refute--saying different, contradictory stuff...repeat it back to her, for clarification...for you to get what she's saying and for her to hear what she's saying...not combative...you're listening to understand her stuff...not to change her stuff.

Plan A is the way to own your own stuff...live from your beliefs, not from your momentary feelings...takes a warrior, and you are one...you become one the moment you chose to follow your own goal to save your marriage. You can do this. Reality is the antidote to waywardness...don't get in the way of her consequences through not exposing, not sharing who you are right now, and not recognizing she is making choices, as are you.

Your pain is incredible right now...don't add to it through silence, which are like lies by omission. Your old way of letting loose wasn't productive or healthy...make your way into being honest all the time...because the more you state your stuff, the more you tell self that you are worth sharing. Eases pain and anger...lessens fear...no more spinning out...that comes from not being in control...and in Plan A, you really find out you were NEVER in control of more than your own self.

Read more...know you are choosing a difficult path...not more difficult than divorce, and not less...and you're choosing it for yourself, your marriage, and your children. What you're doing is far more important than daycare...their whole well being is in your hands...what you are exampling will last a lifetime for them, whether your marriage survives or not.

When she leaves on those evenings, state the truth. "I hear you saying you're going to a party. I know you are going to be with your affair partner."

This isn't confrontation...stating facts. Living in truth. First step in truly living as partners. I promise. You can do this.

Have you considered beginning MC and inviting her to participate...going yourself, even if she doesn't? Have you or are you reading Surviving an Affair?

You're not alone on this pain-filled road...and you're not crazy or wrong...please remember that as part of bringing reality...to your marriage and yourself.

LA

OK, so I have done some thinking. I can't stand the dates anymore. if WS can keep that under control, I can give more time for her to find job/ get apartment on her own. that really isn't plan B though, right?? I am reluctant to cut off all contact. I know it will be difficult for me, and I am not positive about it.

and the more restraints I put upon her, doesn't that just fire her need for her addiction more??
ie: last month I told her "no more sleep overs" she agreed and thus got an extended stay through xmas. the emails have gotten more desperate, "can't wait until we can be together forever, the distance is killing me"

now that xmas is done, I want to say "no more dating", I know they will talk and text. does this sound ridiculous?? and should I just get the balls to say "get out" ??????
I thought plan A was no demands. I have lost my clarity and focus.

Your wife is living in a fantasy world. Not making her work, and help support the children is enabling it.

The problem as I see it is that Plan A's need to be quite short. The more the "dating" and immature behavior goes on, the more you will start losing your love for her, and your self respect.

At that point, you will be the threat to your marriage.

I would quit coddling her, and start protecting your children. My first action would be to lovingly tell her that you cannot do this anymore, she is free to get an apartment, a job and be with her lover.

My second step would be filing for child support.

LA thanks so much for your words of wisdom.

my plan A has been mainly trying to pull back a little, gain some respect through boundaries. I have always smothered my WS. I have been trying to just spend time together without LB's. it seemed to be going well, but I have not continued to declare my feelings which was not good. thanks for pointing it out. I have not been honestly conveying the degree to which she has hurt me. I have been stiffling myself the past week, for fear of confrontation. we promised each other and the kids a peaceful xmas. and it seems I reverted back to my old doormat self.

of the gifts I rifled through, I removed am item, a picture of OP and dog. I have it hidden, I don't know why. I asked her to kindly remove the gifts from our house and keep them elsewhere. she complied and took them to OP's yesterday.

I am way past exposure/ it is done on both fronts, and has been good, every person: WS's 2 brothers, her BF from college, multiple close friends, her Mother. all are in support of M. all tell her to run back home and pray for forgiveness. I am finding that WS is now telling more and more people, I think in hopes of getting some support for her A, her happiness. but everytime she expresses frustration for everyone turning on her. "everyone makes me feel awful"

I am printing your post to reread through out today, and plan my responses for tonight. I am working late, but need to express myself to her later. thanks for your support.

Believer, thanks for your support as well. I think I am ready, I guess I am just scared, but you are so right, I feel like my hard won respect is slipping. I need to finally take a stand, and know that I can and will be able to stand alone on my own 2 feet

OK more thoughts. I just spoke to my MIL and she will watch the kids for me for 1 day a week , then i can work weekends, and WS will have to take the kids all weekend. my boss is flexible. the day care is taken care of. I was going to continue to pay her car payment and school bill until she gets a job, but is that wrong? I guess I can answer that myself. she will have more motivation to get a job if she knows I am not paying her bills!!!! I guess I have more to think about. I want to say anything to just get her to agree to go.

any ideas of responses. she usually hits me with these
"I own this house too, and I am not leaving" "I have no where to go" "I am not leaving my children" "if you are so miserable, why don't you leave?" my usual response is to negate her,"you can stay A,B or C. or to try to figure it out for her. I have no Idea how to mirror these statements.

I have already split my checking account, and have my own credit cards aligned, but have not moved my DD from our joint account. have been dragging my feet. should I get all this done prior to asking her to leave??

Plan B means you stop meeting your WW's ENs...

Financial Support is an IMPORTANT EN...you have to stop meeting it. Comes with partnership in your marriage...and shouldn't resume until she's committed to being a partner in your marriage, not in her affair.

No to car payment, school...nothing. She's choosing her life...to break apart your family. To do so legally, she'll have to file papers to get you to support her...let her do her own work. Don't volunteer. You know she's capable of supporting herself right now...using others, like OP, is right up her alley. He's meeting some of her needs, let him meet them ALL.

Exposure continues as long as the A continues...can't be way past it until you're way past contact.

You said you exposed on both fronts...who does OM have to expose to?

Is her car in your name or both of yours? She'll have to pay for gas and maintenance...you'll have to continue to pay insurance...her payment is her own...up to her to trade it in on something old, without a payment. Part of the consequences of her choices.

Remember, she's choosing this...to be in an affair and attack your marriage. You aren't. You are choosing your responses...which is equitable, respectful...fully acknowledging her choices are about her...not you. Don't feel discounted, trodden on or the cause, control or cure for ails her...she's choosing. You're not making her choose anything...you can't. You're human. You can't. You're not that powerful.

She owns the house, too? She's on the deed, the mortgage? If her name isn't on it, she doesn't own half the house. "I hear you believe you won half the house. This is our marital home. This property belongs to the marriage...not to you in an affair and your affair partner. You are breaking our home, marriage and family apart with your choice to violate your vows. I see you as being a hypocrite...putting your affair partner above your family and then claiming this family owes you...choosing to stay in this home as if you're married, going to be with OM and pretend you're not married. You are married. I know you are choosing to behave as if you are not. I know you are. I know you can be honorable and not live in hypocrisy. I know you to be genuine and I believe you will move in with OM so you can live honestly."

Until she gets a divorce (and I doubt very much she'll do anything of the sort), she doesn't own anything her name isn't on.

Any credit cards? Remove her from those accounts.

When she says "I'm not leaving my children." Say, "I hear you believe you will not leave your children. I see you leave them twice a week. Anyone in an affair leaves their children. They choose their AP over them."

Stop negating!!! Listen and repeat with choice. "If you're so miserable, you move out!" "I hear you believe if you feel miserable, you should leave. I believe differently. I can feel miserable, terrible pain and anger, and not act from my feelings. I believe in our marriage. I am fighting to save our marriage of two...hanging in until you decide to remove that third party you inserted into it. I am working on myself, studying and learning...I'm learning to live from my beliefs, not my emotions."

All these words I give you...only pick what you truly believe...this was me...and I believe you can bring a lot more reality before going to Plan B...so you don't LOOK like you're ditching the marriage. You can't control what you look like...just want you to have had a stellar Plan A week before Plan B.

LA

LA great responses, I will use what fits for me, need to work on it a little, and I agree with the stellar plan A before the B. gives me a chance to get the ducks in a row. thanks for your words of encouragement, needed it today:)

on exposure, OP family, mother and father, aunt all know, support OP, also I have spoken to OP's EXGF,and they are good friends. she is disgusted with both OP and WS and i suspect still in love with OP. yet when we talked she just rambled on and wasn't a very willing participant at collaboration. just mouthing off about the 2 of them. the EXGF causes jealousy in my WS, also I think it fuels the desire to catch the unattainable. keeps WS pursuing OP. but I don't know how else to use the EXGF any further. I thought exposure was complete. I have no ideas further than what I have done. also they are in law school together, exposure there is also done. classmates have been split some support, some outwardly tell her to dump OP. most are about 22-24yrs old though. don't want to get involved. I think there is great pressure on the A from the majority of people, yet this has not been enough.

car is her name, her name is on mortgage. she will have responsibility for those. I can handle the rest on my own. then wewill have to get into legal aspects further than that.

Look, I don;t believe that I have posted to you before but after spending all this time reading your thread and coming to the above made me jump in....

It saddens me to see BS act so meekly when they're being trampled upon. Look sir, your marriage is DEAD...you know it...you can mope around and let this insanity continue or you can set boundaries and stick to them.

No Contact is key to stopping the affair...allowing her back into whenever she please is enabling her....do NOTHING for her...you must get away from the madness...I would have taken those gifts and donated them to charity....do not be a door mat...standing up for yourself is not a LB...what she is doing is despicable....

Be her beacon...not a rug....

SMOMW,
thanks for your candor. I know what I should be doing. just been too afraid. thanks for the 2x4!!!!!!!!
I just sent her this email

J,
I am angry and hurt by your continued betrayal. I cannot wrap my mind around the difference between the person that is displayed before me and the person that I have loved for 15years. I know you have reservations about your actions. I know you can move out at any time. I know that the reasons for you staying here have less to do with your housing options, than your confusion and guilt for leaving your spouse and children. I respect that you are conscious of what you are doing, which is breaking a family apart. I have stiffled my emotions for the cause of having a peaceful Christmas. My reward is a bag full of emotional, heartfelt gifts left in out in plain view for me to stumble upon. “why did you do that?” you say to me as if I chose this. I don’t have to ask why you brought these items into my house, our house. I know the answer. You were thoughtless. Consumed only by your desire to feel those wonderful feelings she gives you. to get your fix of this love you have been so deprived of. You insult my intelligence by thinking that your presents will be kept secret. You insult my intelligence pretending to be at a party, when I know you are on a date. You insult me by acting as if it means nothing that you were in her arms for eight long hours last night. You insult me by acting surprised and even offended that I continue to be hurt by your affair. You may think that I am doing so well. thanks for the complement. i am getting good at concealing my emotions. I am getting good at controlling my outbursts. butI will not ignore my feelings any longer. You have caused me more pain than someone should ever have to bear. I am through pretending. everytime you step out on me, it hurts, but I cry a little less every time. last night, I didn't cry at all. I am getting good at this. too good at taking the pain that you hand out on a weekly basis.

I know you have concerns regarding your job and living arrangements. I know that these responsibilities are yours and not mine. I know that I have allowed you to behave in such a way that hurts me, in such a way that hurts the children. You tell me “I am not leaving, I want to be with my children” Yet you leave them often. When you leave 2 nights a week, the children ask where you are, when you will be home. “I don’t know” is my response. I no longer wish to cover for you. To make excuses as to why you sleep on the couch on the nights that you have a date. Your children want parents that are committed to each other and to them. That commitment gives them the security to relax and be who they are. That security allows them to grow and learn in a safe environment. This is not an environment that our child ren can thrive in. they are confused, they are scared, and they are sad. You have a responsibility to them. You are choosing to spend time with OP instead of your children. You are choosing to tuck her in at night, when your daughter asks me why she can’t cuddle with mommy tonight. And your son asks why you have so much school work to do when school is over. I am the one who is here those nights, I am the one answering these impossible questions on those long nights.

You asked me the other day “why everyone makes you feel so bad?” are you telling me that you feel bad about what you are doing? are you feeling that your affair has removed you from being a participant in numerous relationships? every other relationship in your life is beginning to change. the ones with your children, your wife, your family and friends. and even the one with OP.

In the past few months, I have learned so much about myself. I have learned that I am stronger than I ever had imagined. I learned that my love for you is pure and honest and true. I realize now that I no longer need you. But I want to love you. Out of my own choice. I chose to love you. Until now I chose to give you the power to stomp on my heart. Over and over again. I chose to hope that you would somehow see the love that we still have in our possession. You chose to disregard, to ignore, to insult and to trample that love. I will continue to choose you. I will continue to love you. I can see through my misery, pain, anger, and not act on my feelings. And not judge you for your mistakes. I am a strong enough person to believe in us. But I cannot, will not do this alone. I no longer wish to carry this load for you. I will carry my part of it. But you are responsible for your half. you need to think long and hard about the choices you have laid before you. I am completely and utterly out of patience. I love you with all my heart, but I love and respect myself now more than ever. and I will not continue to live and love in this environment.

I just wanted to say, I was a WW in my first marriage and if my exH would have written me a letter like that, I would probably still be married to him.

Some others can weigh in here and let you know what they think about the letter but to me it sounded great.

Ask yourself...

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

Great letter. Don't know about the "you insult me when"...you feel insulted. That's your truth. The way you say it is a DJ...there are others. Is this your Plan B letter? I don't see the way home. I don't see the third party intermediary.

If this is you sharing, let's work out those attacks and insert more ownership, to make it stronger and true.

What do you think?

LA

Great letter FB.

HI everyone, thanks for checking in.
thanks for the input. But I may not have another chance. had a very bad night and even worse morning. I came home to talk, trying to mirror, practiced all day. she shut down. I told her I couldn't do it anymore(live like this). then she just got angry and started with all her "I have no where to go, why don't you go, if you are so miserable?" I did pretty well at keeping calm. I agreed with her that she was in a scary place having to leave our home, but that she would have to make the move sooner rather than later. I was honest about my feelings "this is hurting me more than you can see" and I told her I was miserable but I didn't want to run away, I would stick by her through this if she could give it a chance. we went to sleep angry, and then started again this morning.

I probably didn't behave well, lots of DJ's. we started discussing her apathy with the job search, (I did not call her apathetic though). she started talking defeated "there is nothing out there" I suggested that she might need to stop looking for "the perfect job" and try to just find something to pay the bills. this made her angry. she needs a low key job so she can spend time on school. then I said " you may decide that school might have to wait. I calmly suggested that we all have to make sacrifices for the ones that we love. and that WS may have to make sacrifices for OP if this is what she truly wants. reminded her that I do want her to be happy, but could not handle her behavior any longer. she agreed that I was not being unreasonable.

then she accused me of reading her email, I didn't conceal my surprise well enough and she new it was true, so I confessed. I then went to the computer and checked her mail in front of her. sure enough a message about her plans with OP tonight. I told WS that I was finished, that if she was leaving tonight she had better pack a bag and not come home EVER. WS of course, stated that she would be going, but would be back in the morning, as it was her house too. I flipped, I was shaking so bad, and in a very low voice said to "get the **** out of my house right now, and don't come back."

I called a mutual friend of the marriage who offered to mediate. then we sat down and WS told my 8 yr old son we may be getting a divorce. this was not planned out well, we both just went with our emotions. handled ourselves pretty well. my 8 yrs old is upset but I have stuck close to him all day. I have 2 toddlers who don't know anything.

now I am an utter mess. I know WS will try to come back home this weekend, as I know OP has other plans. our friend L is trying to help mediate and said she woud help get WS established in some kind of living arrangement tomorrow, while I am at work.

LA, I did not intend that to be my plan B letter. I have often written letters to WS before as a way to express my self in a nonjudgemental manner(they were probably full ofDJ's though), WS always has had a problem when I discuss issues face to face, this medium has worked for us in the past, so I thought I would just get out some of my pent up emotions out from the past week.

any advice from here, so much for planning. can I still do a plan B letter. I just know she will be back on my doorstep in a day or 2.

LA If I weren't so afraid , I would pack my kids up and leave town for the weekend, maybe that would be a good idea, she wouldn't be able to just waltz back in after her dates.

Good job. Stay the course. I know you are upset today, but you did very well. Settle down, and remain calm.

Your wife has lots of choices - she can end the affair, for instance, or she can get a job, and live how she wants to. You are not being unfair. She would prefer to have her sleazy affair, have you support it, AND her children, AND her education.

I do suggest you spend the $185. for one phone call to the Harleys. It will give you more confidence in how to do this.

Hmmm...make a trip to the hardware store on the way home, and have fun changing the locks when she shows up tonite. Perhaps even be a sweetheart and have her stuff packed and on the front driveway so she understands that you're not joking?

When she throws a fit and the cops show up, be a calm, reasonable adult who's trying to save his children from a crazed wife having an affair...be calm, polite, and blunt with the police about what's going on. Would be a great way to document the situation for the courts if this all gets that far.

Thoughts anyone?

I would have a friend there. I'm a bit worried that FB may end up with a protection order against him........ Hope he is seeking legal advice.