Hi all,

Just to get some opinions and views from those who gone through this, either as the person who committed the affair, or the victim of the affair.

Supposing the WS ends the affair after it being discovered and is accepted back by the wounded spouse to try and rebuild the marriage -do they ever feel remorse for what they have done? Will the one day 'wake up' and go "What the heck was I thinking??"

Right now, I'm in the early stages after discovering my wife's affair with a female co-worker. She has said they've ended the relationship, but they still see each other at work, as they work closely together (she says she is sure she wants it to be over and is looking for another job).

But although I detect some regret on my wife's part for the affair, I really don't think she feels deep remorse, even knowing that she has caused me and our marriage so much hurt. We're talking, we're trying to be as honest as possible, but I just don't feel like she's at that stage where she is truly sorrowful and regretful for cheating on the marriage, more of a regret that she knows the relationship with the other woman cannot go on, and not so much that she's damaged our marriage and hurt me.

Question is, will she ever 'wake up' to the reality of the actions? Is she just in the withdrawal stages of the affair that she can't feel the 'proper' remorse for what she did, or is it a permanant state of mind that the regret was more for loss of the affair? Because I think I can be strong and wait for her if it was the former, but I probably couldn't carry on if she never reaches the level of regret for US rather than for her lover.

Any opinions or experiences? Thx


They say that an affair is like an addiction. The lover meets the emotional needs that the spouse has not been meeting, thus sparking off infidelity. Deep down, the WS knows that what they're doing is wrong, but even after ending the affair, they are unable to feel true remorse

My Squid crashed a burned after about 3 months of poper recovery. Her shame was total and paralysing. Still is in fact.

She certainly woke up to the reality of her actions. And that after a lot of justification and entitlement from her.

I pray that happens to your W too.

Hi bob,

Thanks for sharing. I guess I just needed to hear that there IS light at the end of the tunnel, that I will get back the loving, affectionate and honest woman that I married if we manage to overcome these obstacles.

Right now 3 months sounds pretty long to me, I pray it will be shorter for us before she comes to that stage. I've told her as much, that she probably can't or won't be able to feel true remorse for what she's done, but that I will continue to be here for her.

Can you share how YOU stayed strong, being there for her for 3 months without getting anything back in return?? Thanks!

18 months out, and no sign of that "crash" from my FWW, though there have been one or two dips. Maybe I missed it.
She says that she's sorry and feels remorse etc, for her A. Well, I can say that I'm the queen of England, but you're likely not to go by just my words alone either...

After DD, nothing changed for my FWW. She continued with her job and nothing changed since she saw her lover daily at work. Our recovery never started until she quit her job. Once she quit her job and had absolute NC with her OM, withdrawal happened and recovery started. It took a few months after that for her to feel remorseful and to truely apologize.

It takes a couple of years for the BS to completely get over it and as a result of the affair, my WS seems to think I now am having affairs with co-workers, but I am not. Her own past actions now work against her.

TooSoon

Its difficult. When I speak to her, sometimes it seems like I'm talking to a stranger, so alien are her responses and facial expressions. She told me last night "Baby I'm sorry" in the same tone as though she was saying "Baby we're out of milk..."

And she's out late for company dinners which she CAN'T (I see it as WON'T) excuse herself from earlier, or miss completely to come home and be with me.

You're absolutely right, she may say it, but her body language and behaviour do not back her words up. I just pray I'm as strong as you guys to wait so long for it.

Hi,

I'm in the same situation. But tell me, after DD, did the affair continue until she changed jobs??

My wife is still in the same job, says she has nothing left that she is sure of but her career at this point and will not give it up on impulse, but will take the time to find another job. She's told me the affair is over, but they continue to see each other at work.

Sigh, looks like I've got a long battle ahead of me...

Hi devastated,

I'm in a different situation than you, my marriage ended with no admission of an affair, but there are similarities.

ex worked & continues to work with his gf. She is who I suspect he was having an affair with when married to me. The WS working with the affair partner simply can't exist if you want no contact between the two & to rebuild your marriage.

ex made a comment to me when he'd decided after a year a false recover to go ahead with a divorce that has stuck with me. When he said he was going ahead with the D I said I didn't think he'd done all he could to recover the marriage. He said I had no idea what he had "given up" to stay for a year & try to recover. What I took that to mean was that he limited contact with his gf in order to try recovery. I may be wrong. Keep in mind he never admitted to an affair & I had only circumstantial evidence, no proof, of an affair.

Why that can't work is obvious & I'm sure you know the reasons. It boils down to this: Your WW must have NC with her affair partner. If they work together he or she must leave their jobs or your marriage will not stand a chance of real recovery.

As for "waking up". ex has not. He has never admitted there was an affair & his version of re-written history was very complete so his feelings of entitlement may never let him see what he's lost, the destruction he's caused or what he's done to our family.

I forgot to add this: The fact that your WW was involved with another woman would, IMHO, be a huge impediment to recovery. You can not compete with a woman. Your WW may just be discovering she is a lesbian or at least bi-sexual. I don't know how you could possibly continue a marriage if those are the circumstances.

Makea LARGE pot of coffee,and read this mess! Click here

Theres some wonderful advice in there I got from the vets about " loving detachment" and "locking up my taker" that may be helpful.

Stay strong. You CAN do this ! Even I managed ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks bob.

While my BIG pot of coffee is brewing, I have a question:

Plan A involves exposing the affair "to the light of day". In my WS's case, if the affair is over and she said she will take steps to change jobs, wouldn't exposing it to her colleagues, family and friends be seen as a betrayal and sabotage any progress or trust that we are trying to put together again?

WS always hate exposure. HATE It.

Exposure is a very good way of enforcing NC on BOTH sides of the affair.

In my case OM was trying DESPERATELY to keet the A going until I exposed with proof. Then he dropped Squid like a hot bolt.

Then OM's GF and I exchanged details for a while to police NC. I would go so far as to say I'd be divorced right now if I didn't expose.

Squid told me ASSURED me INDIGNANTLY that her A was over then I discovered her secret mobile phone she bought to stay in touch with OM.

I would not trust a WS or a recent FWS to stay in NC without exposure, but its yourdecision. read my stuff in the toolkit about exposure and see what you think.

Then read upon Suzet's situation on here and how the lack of exposure probably allowed a near fatal breach of NC.

All blessings

Thanks guys, you've been amazing and a great pillar of support. It really helps knowing that you are not alone, though I wish none of us have to go through this horrible, horrible experience.

Tonight I almost got another knife through my heart...

After work she had gone for this big company dinner. Arrived at the restaurant with a colleague around 6pm. I was at home and I was telling myself I need to pull myself together and such. Then I started missing her at around 8pm, fought the urge to call her to ask when she was coming home until I lost about 9pm and called her. She said dinner was over and that they were having drinks with the bunch of vendors and other clients and that she was going to stay a while more. I then messaged her at 920pm, asking her if the drinks were THAT important and that I needed her to be home (I know, pathetic, but I was really missing not seeing her the entire day). She replied saying that she was coming home. So I waited.... and waited...

After about 40 minutes just as I was about to call her, she messaged me saying "Sorry, just left. Coming back now". I called her back and asked her why she was so late. She hesitated and said that she had sent the OW from the dinner to her car (OW parked further away) and that they then talked for a while, but then she quiclly reassured me that nothing had happened. At that point I was quite numb, thinking "Oh Lord... its over!". In a broken voice I told her to come home and we'd talk about it.

That 15 minutes waiting for her to come home was a hurricane of emotions for me. Divorce, unfaithfullness, doubt all crossed my mind and I was just numb. When she walked in, I had my head in my hands and she told me "Lets talk"... I sat down and she explained:

The OW had drunk quite a bit (as was usual of her) and my wife offered to send her to the car down the street. When they got into the car, the OW tried to embrace my wife, saying how much she missed her, and how she realized just how much she had fallen in love with my wife.

But, my wife said she gently pushed her back and told her that she didn't want to carry on, that she couldn't do it anymore, the lies, the hurt. She said that up until that point, all week she was feeling like as though if it came to this exact situation that she would feel longing for the OW, that it would hurt so much from missing her, but strangely, all she felt was more akin to concern for a *friend*, not really any feelings of missing her, nor or wanting to continue with the relationship. She said she what she felt for the OW was more pity for her than of any feelings of longing, remarking that she probably missed the attention that was shown her, the feeling of being cared for, rather than for the person itself. ;D

The OW just nodded the whole time, and my wife finally told her to go home, sleep and not think so much. She said that when the OW finally got out of the car, instead of feeling a sense of loss and loneliness like she thought she would seeing her go, all she felt was a sense of relief...

When she told me that, the knife eased out of my heart, and it felt good. She said she was being totally honest with me, she was tired of the lies and would not lie to me any more cause she knows it hurts me so much. Deep down, I believe her, that what she said was true.

She remarked that when they were walking to the car, the OW mentioned that "See, wasn't I very attentive to your needs?" and at that instant, she remembered what I had told her about the way some lesbians operate -going all out to get the girl/conquest. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, she's far from feeling any kind of real remorse still, but the fact that she's slowly severing emotional ties from the OW is a great sign. She wants to just fill up her time doing ANYTHING to take her mind off this whole issue, hoping that as time passes everything will go away. I think she's slowly 'waking up' but I have more motivation to stay strong! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What do you guys think??

I can respond from a different point of view, since I'm the FWW. My A lasted 7 months. My BH started questioning me about a month into it. I wish he would have exposed what he suspected. Instead, he asked me and I lied my way out of it and he believed me. There were numerous times he'd ask me about things but always believed me. Anyway, I finally saw the light during the A and tried to end it 3 times (each time xOM would leave me alone for a couple of days and then come back with some pathetic line and I'd go right back). My BH didn't read MB but if he had, he would have won the "best plan A" award. He changed so much and really won me back. Finally, I confessed to my BH.

Believe me, a FWW CAN feel a great deal of remorse and hate for what they've done. Once I woke up and realized what I was doing and how many people I was hurting, I confessed, went to IC and MC, was put on AD's, etc. I absolutely hated myself.

I still apologize to my BH daily. I still thank him every single day for staying with me. I've contacted xOMW twice to apologize. My BH has now forgiven me and is rebuilding trust. I don't know how he did it. I was so horrible to him and he has been able to forgive me and has chosen to stay with me. I'm pretty lucky! But, he has also commented that he was able to forgive me so quickly (2 1/2 months after I confessed) because I was showing so much remorse and resentment for what I had done. If I hadn't done that, he probably would have left me.

That I was able to see all the damage, hurt, devastation, I had caused BH.

Now, in my case my "excuse" for the A was that my marriage was OVER as BH and I pretty much were room mates at the time the A started. However, even after D-DAY I still did not believe that I had hurt BH in any way. Despite his tears, pleads and heartfelt words to me, I was so blind it didn't make me feel sorry for what I had done or for BH, all I knew was that I was "in love" and that my M was over and I just wanted to get on with my life (with OM of course!).

BH can tell you to this day, it was like talking to the air. Nothing was getting through. Finally after a few months of counseling and all, I agreed to work things out but in my mind I knew it wasn't going to work out because I didn't WANT it to work out! I wanted OM and not BH period!

Once BH was doing Plan A (his version as we didn't know about MB at that time) and I could see lots of changes in him, I started to doubt things and I started to wonder if perhaps I should give my M a try. Still, it took weeks before I could "commit to recommit" as my counselor called it. However, even at that time, I was feeling very much "in love" with OM and I didn't know how could I reconnect with my BH. It was very hard at that time to even allow BH to touch me. It didn't help that I too worked closely with OM and saw him just about eveery day.

This is where NC becomes crucial. Another thing that has helped me is that OM stopped being a "fantasy" once the reality of a our situation became clear. Once I saw OM as the broken human being he really is and not this perfect man in my head, was that I was able to really COMMIT to NC and my M.

Not sure if this helps.... there is tons more to my story of course....

Becca

dev01,

I think most WS have no FREAKIN' idea what they have done to the BS. Unless it happens to them, they will not ever know the depth of anger/grief/pain/etc/etc we feel.

So they are sorry and get weepy, but there is no EMPATHY on their part.

And that is what you miss from your WW.

Also, remember that it takes a rather selfish self-centered type to break their vows and seek another. So the degree of remorse is tempered by their self, or ego, if you will.

IMHO

krk

D01:

Yes, even though my wife swore the affair was over, the affair continued on. She lied daily to me to protect her affair. She pretended she was rebuilding the marriage but she remained disconnected from me. There was no emotion from her at all other than she despised me for exposing her affair.

The strawbreaker was the day her and I were going to see our MC and her lover pulls into the driveway of the MC's parking lot and moved slowly in front of my car and staired at me. He was in my face so I would know he is still in the picture and he was not going away. We had our hour talk with the MC and it was then I gave her the last ultimadum. She agreed to give her employer her two weeks notice to quit.

You must understand, I told her in front of the MC, I was going to her employer and I was going to destroy her reputation, his reputation, and his carreer. I then told her I was going to her mother's house and then to her entire family's house to fully expose her actions to everyone that was important to her. The price of further exposure was too great and she agreed to quit the job and quit seeing her lover. That was the beginning of a very long and painful recovery period. NC is 100% necessary to give you a chance to save your marriage.

Don't give up hope. We are back to normal in our house and our family is intact.

TooSoon

Hi TooSoon,

Thanks for sharing that. At this point, I think I really believe her about what she told me happened last night, how she felt that she didnt feel the longing for the OW when they met last night, how she said she felt that she probably missed the care and attention and the romantic dinners, and not so much the person itself. I didn't detect any deciet, or feel like she was trying to cover up, and my instincts didn't say that she was lying.

At this point I'm willing to go on and try to be a stronger person, for myself first and for our marriage second. I will continue to give her the space she needs to come to grips with she has done, as long as I know that she has loosen the emotional ties to the OW. Its hard trying to bend over backwards and to meet her needs, when my being screams at me that she should be the one trying to atone for her wrongdoing, but I'll try. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't think exposing the affair to her family, colleagues and friends would do any good, because I am convinced that she is getting over it. It would cause her to resent me and I would lose her forever. Honestly, exposing her affair at this point would make ME feel good about myself, to be able to punish her back for what she has done to me, but I would end up losing the war, that is, to win her back. If she ever gets back together with the OW again, I think that somehow I would know, and then it will be the time for revelation.

Dev,

Please believe this.

~ Marsh

I agree on all parts.

I have been VERY lucky that my FWH has been broken. He's begged forgiveness and shown changes. But he will never EVER comprehend the depth of the pain he caused me. EVER. For him, yes, it is over, but the door is shut and he doesn't think about it. It's done because he got to have all the good, too... and it came to closure eventually for him.

For me: I was an innocent victim. Blindly going about my life and had no idea that my world was caving in. And all I did was love my husband. FOr that, I was betrayed at the deepest level by the person who I thought would NEVER cheat on me.

So, no. The FWS will never get what they did. They will never fully understand how their selfish actions affected everyone around them, not just their spouses and children.

My FWH is coming to terms with the fact that his A affected not only his marriage, but OW's, and his friendships at work. Those at work... he had lied to them... and they felt a deep sense of betrayal as well. He's slowly seeing how MANY he hurt, but I doubt he'll ever understand the full depth. But he knows that he hurt me more than anyone has. Even worse than my first husband (who'd also cheated...). This was a million times worse than that.

They may scratch the surface, but rarely do they feel and realize what they've done hurts as badly as it does.

Hi Marsh,

Yes I believe it. I think that as long as she has contact, even if its only at work there's always a chance of relapse. The OW may not give up so easily, after going to all the lengths to make it happen, and incidents like the one last night where she continued to probe for a chance is not acceptable.

I will be firm on this, I have told my wife that yes, she must leave the job ASAP, but that I understand that she doesn't want to just resign and flush her future (career-wise) down the toilet. I will help her work on her resume, and we shall browse through the recruitment pages together. However, this being the year end, there will not be many positions available.

At this point the NC is probably to help her come to her senses and to want to rebuild the marriage, and not so much that I'm afraid that she'll go back to the OW. I really do pray that her changed feelings for the OW last night will continue and that she will at least know 100% that she doesn;t want to resume the A.