I took a long lunch break and had a few beers with my friend who told me much the same thing. Last night I told my WS that she could tell that b!tch that I was going to ruin her life and I think she probably conveyed the message cause the OW called me up.

I asked her what she wanted, and she said that she wanted to explain. I said I'm not interested nor do I care what her "explainations" were, and she could climb up the highest building and jump off for all it mattered to me. I told her that right now, I'm so pissed off that I fear for *her* life should I see her, and asked her what the f she wanted.

I said from the start she had been targeting my wife, knowing that she was married, and yet she went ahead. This drew the expected protest from her saying that she did NOT intend to get into her pants from the start and that things "just happened." She said she knows it was wrong and they were both caught up in it. She also said that if my wife were not married then it would be a different story altogether <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> but right now she was really trying to stay clear of my WS and to let us patch things up and that she was also hurting (boo hoo).

I told her I don't give a $hit what her motivations or reasons are, she has done more damage to my marriage that probably could never be repaired. Did she call up to gloat, or to apologize so she could feel better about herself?

She said no, and that she even told my WS that she was going to leave the company cause the boss wanted them to work more closely together and she didn't want to put more pressure on my WS. AGain I said I didn't give a f what her reasons were, I warned her to stay away from me and my WS as we try to rebuild our marriage. Even after either of them leaves the company, I told her that if she really cared for my WS, she would break off ALL contact with each other and leave us alone.

She ended up by saying she was sorry (I snorted in disgusst) and I said what do you want me to say? That I forgive her? I said too bad, I probably could never forgive her, just leave us the ****** alone. She then did some of the PR crap on me, and started to say that she respected me as a person and a friend. I cut her off telling her to cut the bull$****** and to just get out of my face. She said sorry again and hung up.

Looks like she's scared to death of exposure, which doesn't make it any easier for me to decide whether to writet that letter to her parents (I want to!). If she was really sorry and sincere why wait 3 weeks to call me up, and right after my wife told her I was going to "get even"?

Grrrrr... my friend told me to wait 2 days before I acted, to collect my thoughts and then decide. I can wait that long at least, and still be in time to ruin her Christmas (now that mine is totally ruined!)

Devestated,

Here's what we went through with the xom. He was much like your OW, having basically targeted me, much like the OW targeted your WW. Yes, we both made our own decisions to enter into the A, but we are repentant of our actions. The xom in our sitch assaulted my H on D-day, and was arrested. Now, we lived in military housing, so when the MPs came out, xom was arrested and due to that, his command filed charges, including adultery! The xom continued to try to talk to me, and my H told him, to his face, that we would request the charges be dropped if he would just leave us alone. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, his command refused, so then the xom continued his nastyness. The fortunate part was that it was taken out of our hands, the revenge part, and "justice was served". Now, it doesn't always happen in that way, but you really need to try to let it go, as far as you wanting to serve it up yourself. Let the ow quit her job, and find another one. You need to concentrate on rebuilding your foundation for your M so that in the years to come, you will have the beautiful M you hoped for. My H and I are 6 yrs post D-day and it is still work, what M isn't, but we are much happier now than we were before.

Let the revenge taking lay in the hands of God, and you work on restoring your M with your W. The OW doesn't deserve anything more from you, so just leave her in the dust. Is it fair that you and your W are the ones left picking up the pieces? No, but that's life, it's NEVER fair. But, what you make with the pieces can be beautiful, it won't be the same, but it can be beautiful.

I wish you and your W the best of luck, just know that it can be done, but it also takes a lot of work.

Devistated,

I think revenge is a good thing. If executed correctly.

You have to be careful to set it up right, though.

You don’t want to physically hurt OW, which could backfire on you. But you can indeed ruin her miserable existence.

The problem with revenge, as most people seem to see it, is it is done in the heat of passion, in a rage. Don’t do it that way. It’s not very satisfying. The rush does not last very long. You can't linger over it, you don't have the time to savor it.

Spend months, if not years, working this revenge out, in every detail. Dedicate your life to doing it right, in fact. Make it the perfect revenge. Yeah, the perfect revenge.

Perfect revenge takes a lot of time and effort and dedication.

And, it is better to hit them with it when they no longer expect it.

And make it such that it is obviously related it to the offense.

So, there is nothing wrong with a good revenge. Revenge can be sweet. But only if you take your time, plan it out, and execute flawlessly. Make it a cold, calculated and dispassionate revenge.

Anyone who says revenge is bad is afraid someone has a reason to plan revenge on them, IMO.

Er, wait. You are perfect aren’t you? No one wants any revenge on you for anything, right?

We don’t want you living the rest of your life looking over your shoulder, do we?

Planning a good revenge can make one rather paranoid. So you will have to accept that someone else is also making plans regarding you, and also waiting for the perfect moment.

So, you will have to pretty much dedicate your life to this revenge. But that's what you want to live for now, anyway.

And, you will find yourself spending your waking moments wondering when someone is about to hit you with their revenge. But you can live with that too, right?

Funny how revenge almost always costs so much more than you get in return.



OTOH, go ahead and send the letter you speak of. As long as it's just the truth. No harm in telling the truth. It may teach her something. It may help prevent her from targeting another married woman. Natural consequences are good too.

This is not revenge, and it could help clean up the world a bit. It just might.


Then forget about her.

With prayers,

Devastated, 2 suggestions -

Anger Management

and a

good punching bag

waaay too much victim mentality going on here and not enough personal responsibility.

Well, thanks guys for your views on my little revenge plot.. I've had 2 days to cool down, think and argue somemore with the WS.

I've basically gotten over most of the anger I felt the other day and now we're moving on to more serious issues -like whether we want to divorce or not.

She's saying that the affair with the OW is OVER, and she is even thankful to me for stopping it, as she knows it was the wrong thing to do and really is glad its stopped. But now, all she has for me is resentment, a lot of resentment, for the way the marriage was these 2 years, for the bad moods, neglect etc. She can only remember the bad times, and not a single good emotion from our marriage that makes her want to save it. She says she has learned that she can move on by herself (in her career), and has indicated that I'm only a burden who may slow her down from what she wants to achieve etc so she can't give me an answer on whether or not she wants to carry on.

I basically told her that she was basing everything on the assumption that I can't or wouldn't change. I told her, whether this marriage suceeds or not, I am a different person, not because I have to be to save this marriage, but because I want to be. I have looked back and I am ashamed at the way I let out marriage decline, but I told her that that I was wrong for the way the marriage was. BUT, the affair that resulted was entirely her fault, no doubt about that.

At this point I told her that as sure as she seem to think she was about the marriage, she was still in contact with the OW, and that plus the freshness of the pain pf withdrawal, all the arguments etc will probably have an effect on what she's feeling now. I wouldn't push her for an answer, but I made it clear that I'm committed to working on this marriage 100%, and a call for a divorce would have to come from her, not me, as I think that our marriage can still be saved, but only if SHE wanted to do it.

Anyway, I've bought Harley's 'His Needs, Her Needs' and 'Love Busters' and will be reading them. I will also look around for a good marriage counsellor, probably a church-affliated one as they tend to have a more no-divorce stand. I will continue to try and be a better husband, whether its appreciated or not, and I even told her, if she decided not to proceed, it would be her loss and not mine.

What more can I do? Thx

The day before, she seemed so sure that she was over the OW, she was so sure that she had so much resentment for me, she was so sure she could make it on her own, and she was undecided if the marriage was right for her etc.

Yesterday, I looked at her credit card bill (much to her annoyance) and saw that the Christmas present she bought for the OW cost US$42+ (including express shipping). SHe had aleady mentioned that she bought the CD for the OW before, but not that she had used this very seldom used (and hence seldom checked) credit card, or that it had cost so much? All she could say was that she "really wanted the OW to have it before Christmas" and that maybe treat it as a farewell present. She said, after all, they did not end of bad terms, and it was just a CD. This despite me telling her so many times that she should call or talk to me first before doing anything connected to the OW.

Worse still was that she ordered the CD online, over a week after they had 'broken up', after she had assured me everything was over etc. I asked her if that was the case, then when would it ever stop? They could both change jobs, but hey, maybe they could meet up 'just for lunch' or 'just for drinks'. So when would it all stop? I told her that she was so sure that it was over 2 days ago when she spoke to me, but asked her to be honest with herself: If things didn't go well with our marriage, would it be possible that she may go back to the OW? She said, well, maybe if she was vulnerable etc. So I told her that she had been trying to justify her act, and tried to do it by saying how much resentment etc she had for me, but had she really been honest with herself?

When I told her she didn't feel real remorse, I didn't mean that she should cry and beg for forgiveness, but that she may SAY it was wrong, she may SAY it was over and she may SAY that our marriage has nothing to do with the affair (that the problems was there before it), but she had not done a SINGLE thing to reaffirm her words. And the CD thing over a week after she had told me they had broken up and she was sure there was no going back only reaffirms this. And from being so sure the other day, she was now silent and thinking.

I said really want to trust her, and just when I start to think I can start to, something like this crops up that destroys any progress.

My only 'hope' is that she is in the 'fog' and that it will clear and she can look back and realize what she's doing. Her constant vaccilation between bring sure and being undecided is quite unnerving and somewhat annoying also.

We're heading out of the city for the weekened, back to my folk's place. Hopefully it will give her more time to think away from this environment and away from the OW. Strangely now, I'm the one feeling like I don't wanna do this anymore.. sheehs.. I need to take a nap before I do or say anything stupid again.

Anyway, Merry Christmas to all. God bless!