It's been a while since I've visited this board. I took somewhat of a reprieve because I wasn't sure where I fit. But I have recently entered into a committed relationship, and am now facing some of the issues that you just can't address until you reach this point. I'll try to keep this as minimally wordy as possible <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Started dating someone at the end of March. We have known each other for a while, but neither of us were in a place where we were ready to date. Anywho...started dating, and about 3 months ago, decided to make it 'official' and 'committed'.

Important to note that neither of us look for this relationship to evolve into marriage - mainly because he already has an older child, and does not want another - while I would like to have a child of my own. But, both of us are enjoying each other, having fun, and happy with what we have for the now.

That being said, we have encountered a problem (very familiar to me from my past M) - and need to come to some sort of POJA on it. Problem is, neither of us is able to come up with much of a solution......

A week after my D, I had the unfortunate experience of meeting my exH's new girlfriend - completely by accident, and even to his admission "not how he would have liked it to happen." This was also when we had been talking about possibly reconciling after the D.

I was really hurt, surprised, and feeling idiotic (for believing we could have a chance)....and it probably didn't help that I had been drinking as well....but a man hit on me, and I slept with him. Completely out of the norm for me, but I did it, I admit it, and I own it. Wouldn't recommend it ....

While any sexual activity ended there, we did start 'hanging out' together. Watch TV, go to the movies, shop, etc. Not as dating, but just as companions. Gradually, the frequency has lessened, but we were and are still friends - at least on somewhat of a superficial level. I am a very emotional person, while he is not. We get along well together, but there is and never was any intellectual or emotional stimulation.

My new BF is feeling insecure with this relationship. And I completely understand. The friend and I usually will email or text once or twice a day saying "so what's going on?" or just saying what we did the night before. I have not hidden anything from BF, and am completely honest.

So now I'm not sure what to do. I really don't believe in the idea of giving up friends just because you have a boyfriend. In particular since we don't see this relationship evolving into M. And I've been very upfront with BF about how my relationship with him is intellectually, emotionally, physically, and socially stimulating - far above what my friendship with this other friend involves. Yet I still understand how that one time could 'haunt' BF. And that if we can't resolve this, how it may come to 'choosing'.

But he still feels insecure (and claims it is his own problem) - he has now asked me not to speak to him about this particular friend. I really don't feel comfortable with that, since it feels like I would be 'hiding' something.

So, aside from cutting all ties with this friend (which IS an option), does anyone know of a creative solution to working through this situation?

Again, sorry so long. Just not very talented with brevity! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thank you to all!

Hi L.I.T.!

Why do you want to be in a committed relationship with someone you both have decided there is no future in?

I don't get it.

I am a firm believer in the motto "find yourself a friend you haven't slept with". Emailing and texting a former lover, once or twice a day, is totally inappropriate if you are in a committed relationship, IMO.

And thinking that you are being "honest" by keeping your boyfriend updated on the life of your lover is circuitous logic as well. It is a little stab to your boyfriend every time you bring up the lover's name - I am not surprised he asked you to not mention the guy anymore.

As always, put yourself in his shoes - how would you like it if kept in daily contact with a former lover, and constantly kept you up to date on her life? It'd be weird, at the very least.

I dunno how you should POJA it (I think losing contact with the lover is the right option, personally). If I were the BF, I would probably look at it as a "him or me" type of deal. But that's just me.

AGG

If your plans with new BF included marriage my advice would be to end the friendship.

But, since you both acknowledge its not that type of relationship -- then I think I would just honor his request to not discuss the daily aspects of this friendship.

I don't feel that you're "hiding" anything -- if asked I'm sure you would be willing to share, right?
You've proven that you're open and honest -- it just seems that he doesn't need this level of detail and wants to avoid the trigger. Makes sense.

L.I.T.

How are you going to meet the guy who is your future husband, and the one you can have a baby with if you are in a committed relationship already?

I'm so baffled. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I agree with weaver - I could understand a relationship not leading to marriage if neither person is interested in marriage in general - but if you are interested in a marriage and in having kids, then why are you preempting the opportunity of meeting the right guy to marry and have a child with by being in a commited relationship with a guy who cannot give you that? As they say, every day you spend in a relationship with the wrong person, you are missing the possible opportunity of meeting the right person.

AGG

I've found myself in situations that I knew wouldn't end in marriage, and didn't get out for different reasons.
I enjoyed it for what it was.

I've been in some transitory relationships because I knew my timeframe for any serious relationship was years in the future. And I prefer the routine of a relationship rather than continuous dating and searching.
So I intentionally was avoiding meeting the right person -- because I wasn't ready to.

However, I've never had that biological clock ticking away...

in a rush - job interview to go to....

But a couple of answers....

Perhaps I need to redefine the semantics of the 'committed relationship' - we have been dating, we enjoy each other, we do not wish to see other people at this time.

I believe that there is a middle ground between 'dating' and 'engagement' - to me, this is a relationship. Right now we do not see a future in this relationship. The child factor being one sustaining issue. One of the others is that he is moving to another state in a year or so. Perhaps feelings can change, but we are both on the same page right now.

I'll be honest. I'm not ready for marriage yet. I'm not ready to move in with someone, share laundry, get a dog, buy a house, and have 2.5 children yet. I am, however, ready to enjoy and maybe love someone....without wanting to see anyone else.

That is what I mean by committed relationship. How will I find the love of my life who I wish to marry? After this relationship ends. I'm not ready for marriage, but I am willing and ready to enter into a relationship, and work on knowing what I want, like, don't want, and how to handle relationship issues.

I kind of had a feeling this issue would take precedence over the other, though.

I do feel it only fair to mention that he also has friends that he has been intimate with in the past. I will concede that they do not communicate as often, but contrary to my situation, they used to have emotional connections.

AGG, I want to clarify that my friend was NEVER a 'lover'. That choice of words is poor for my situation. It was sex - and as crude and ugly and disgusting as it was, there was no emotion involved.

I do agree with you that it is a painful fact to deal with. Sometimes I feel insecure about his friends. So how does one deal with that? Do we all just give up our friendships because at one time they involved sexual interaction? Maybe that's the answer? I don't know. That's why I'm asking here.

I also want to say that I don't think there's any 'logic' involved with my saying I'm being honest. I don't make it a point to tell BF every time we send a one sentence e-mail. But I don't lie if the friend calls or texts, and BF is either around or asks about it. Friend knows I am seeing AND am committed to BF as well.

I am asking - for either now, or even in a future relationship, how DOES one address this issue with a boyfriend - I know how to address it with a fiancee - or someone I think I will marry - or a spouse.

Is it all or nothing in a we-like-each-other-and-are-not-wanting-to-see-anyone-else-at-this-time relationship?

To me a committed relationship means that you are committed to the relationship and to that person, so having a friendship that is uncomfortable for him wuold in effect be "bad" for the relationship and hurtful to him.

Anything less would be more of a "we have chosen to not sleep with anyone else until it is no longer beneficial to be in this relationship", but don't ask me to give up anything to make you comfortable, or to protect you, or to protect our relationship because I am not really committed to us or to you.

That is the way I see it L.I.T. but it could be just that I am in a different place than you and cannot fully understand.


L.I.T. the fact that you did have sex with this guy after you started dating your current BF (it was after wasn't it, or was it before) probably has made it impossible for him to be comfortable with it. Even if it had been after you met BF, it probably is going to be very hard for him to accept and might start to fracture your relationship. I'd just end it if I were you and if you do care about this man you are seeing at all and your R with him.

It's a personal choice. If you ask me (or Harley), the answer would be "yes". Don't bring a person into a relationship who is harmful to the relationship. When you take that extreme view of "well, I am not going to give up my friendships just because my partner wants me to", that is your prerogative, but you should be aware that your choices have consequences, one of which is damage to the relationship, if your partner does not approve of your friendship.

Again, it does not matter what we think - you shouldn't POJA with us, but with your BF. If you look for support for you being in close contact with your ONS despite it bothering your BF, I can't give you that. I think the BF relationship should trump the other one. But again, it is between you ad your BF to decide and POJA.

AGG

ok, write this on the calendar as it does not happen often, but....

I AGREE WITH AGG 150%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

perfectly worded and my sentiments exactly.
thank you agg...

mlhb

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Me too, mlhb, but in my case I'd add 'as (almost!) always' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Weaver,

Just to clarify....this was most definitely NOT after I started dating BF. This was almost a year before. Back then, BF and I knew each other, but were friends - I had actually told him about it at the time, how upset I was with myself, how I regretted it, and how there was no redeeming aspect to it. BF was also aware of how the other friend's and my connection became a friendship. So it is old news for the BF...just in a new context since we became committed.

And just for the record, we do care about each other and the relationship. If we didn't, I wouldn't be here addressing the issue - I would have told him to accept it or leave. And I'm not doing that.

AGG and all - perhaps you are right, and the friendship needs to end. I wasn't trying to POJA here - I have been trying with BF. What I have been doing here is trying to see what the options were, if there indeed were any. I had offered already to sever the friendship, and he had said he would feel worse if I did that.

Then I posted here. I brought up again today, the idea of relinquishing the friendship, and he said quote "I really don't think that with the kind of relationship you two have, that it would be right to end it."

So having trouble POJA-ing - or at least reading 'male'.

Also, then would he have to never speak to any of his established friends that he might have had some sexual contact with?

I have no inappropriate emotional or sexual feelings toward my friend. Nor does he to his. But should we, in the interest of protection, go ahead an sever all ties with our established friends anyhow?

That may be the answer. But darned if I can't get him to 'enthusiastically agree'

Lexxy, this is very much where we both are. And I'm not so worried about my biological clock <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> I have absolutely no intentions of purposefully going out to 'find' the right man just so I can have a child. I would like a child in the future, but would rather have a good and solid M before I even seriously consider the little ones. If I don't end up having them, then I can accept that as well. There are also a lot of other options. But I KNOW for certain I'm not ready for marriage yet.



AGG - again, maybe my stance should be not to keep a person who could be harmful in the relationship. And like I said....I'm not against that as an appropriate step.

Nor have I ever said here that my view was that I wouldn't give them up because I didn't want to. I have been bantering about it because I need to understand how this works. Does it only work one way? When it bothers someone? What about his that don't bother me? In my old M, it became imbalanced that way, and ended up protecting my H, but not my M. And again, what do I do when he does not agree that I should end the friendship....but it still bothers him? End it anyway?

Just talking it out. No excuses, rationalizations, decisions. Just working on it. And never have I asked for any type of support to keep my friend in the relationship. But I will ask questions as to why, and if there are any particular beliefs by different people. Understanding, at least for me, is key to doing something because it is truly heartfelt and understood - not just because some people told me it was what I needed to do.

How sweet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I figured I better quote you, before you changed your mind and edited your post <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.


Awwww, thanks pal <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I feel so special today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, no - you just ended the POJA process mid-stream <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. So he told you what solution he does not want - for you to sever the friendship. So the next step is to ask him what would make him enthisiastic - less frequent contact, you simply not mentioning this person, etc - it is up to you to brainstorm. Him saying what he does NOT want is not enough - he needs to tell you what would make him enthusiastic.


Nah, that would be scorekeeping. If his friendships do not bother you, then there should not be an automatic quid pro quo. But you know that your relationship with the ONS bothers him - so focus on that. Don't add the flipside to the mix, than can be done later. This is not a bargaining or scorekeeping exercise, it is an effort to make both of you enthusiastic <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

hi L.I.T. for me a guy, I normally would cut off or have very very lil contact with my past lovers, or ONS. It just ain't right anymore.. esp when they're married or in a relationship. But women, it seem to me, almost always would like to maintain a relationship, as friends, even after a breakup. I guess it depends on how the breakup is(good or bad, or ugly) but no matter what, to me.. one person will be hurt.. bad. I just don't see the reasoning behind it.. anyone care to explain? Sorry dun mean to hijack your thread, but I keep hearing this from female friends or companions. Don't they realize that sometimes, its better to be cruel.., than to lead a guy on and on? That this is much gentler on him actually? to be cruel in order to help somone to move on.. faster, and not leadiong the guy for months on end.. until finally he gets the message. She just wanna be friends? Just wanna be friends, the 4 most hurtful words,... for someone who actually loves you. or has fallen for u. Sorry I am afraid I am babling again.

Almost...we are at a 'stall' in the POJA. The first time I said I would cut off contact was when he said he would feel worse if I did that....and his request was that I not talk to him about the friend anymore. Problem with that was that I was not enthusiastic about that. I don't talk 'about' him even now...but if he texts or calls, I don't feel comfortable hiding that. It reminds me too much of the 'red flags' of an A.

We discussed again last night....and he says he is fine now. That there are just moments where he becomes insecure and that it is his problem to deal with. But I notice that even as sparcely as it might happen, it is recurrent, and I don't want to avoid the issue.

So I guess for now we are 'stalled.'


I think this sets off a trigger for me from my M. Before my A, and even before the M, exH was always so uncomfortable with everything. In an effort to 'protect', I stopped all male friendships, stopped going to a happy hour once a week with a girlfriend, stopped having girls days or nights - I couldn't go swimming, had to get my bathing suits approved, couldn't wear certain clothes, ugh.....all because he was 'uncomfortable'.

He felt it was threatening our marriage because whenever I would go out, he said men would 'look' at me. I never required the same of him becaust it didn't bother me. But what DID bother me was how I felt controlled, but he could do anything that he wanted. Something for me to think about.

Anyhow, I don't want a 'tit for tat' thing. But I also don't want to begin the inequality thing. I tend to get resentful from it, and that's one of the things that helped to destroy my M....and also one of the things that probably contributed to my choice to have an A. I want to stay as far away as possible from that situation.

My BF has a female friend he has had for years, no sexual history though.

And I told him that I would not ask him to give up a friendship for our relationship because I just wasn't comfortable in being responsible for the ending of this friendship.

I value my friends too LIT, but I don't have any friends I have slept with, at least not to the point of talking to them on the phone or emailing with them, although I used to. And for the guy I am with now, I would definately let them go by the wayside to protect his feelings and our R. But I don't think I would put it on him to have to be the bad guy and ask me to.

Anyway, I think my BF's friendship with this girl will die a natural death or parting, not an abrupt kind of forced ending, as we become more of a couple.

Maybe that is what your BF wants as well, to not be responsible in asking you to end it, but for it to die out naturally. And maybe you should just let it, as you and your BF become more and more involved.

Oh I posted before I read your latest post.

This is hard stuff. I am myself just trying to figure out how to stay who I am as an individual, and yet not so much of an individual that my relationship fails.

How to be separate and yet joined. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />