DM, SAA is the best book to read right now. But that comes after you get back in the house. You don't have to read it before you go home.

Yes, you should expose the truth to all concerned, starting with her parents. Make sure they have the true story so they can support you in saving your marriage.

Exposing the affair forces her to see herself through the eyes of others and makes it embarrassing and difficult to carry on an affair. It ruins the fantasy aspect of the affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy, so when this is removed, the affair dies much faster.

Look- stop- take a deep breath.
Read all the info that has been given to you on this thread.


Now,
You need to read surviving an affair

You need to expose the truth to her parents

You need to expose to anyone else who has an influence with her

You need to go home and stay there

You need to tell her that no other man is welcome in YOUR home

If she brings another man home, you have every right to kick him out.

You said on an earlier post you were both supposed to go to the comedy club. Why don't you go with her and plan A while you are there. It would also put a damper on her picking up another man.

have you read the carrot and the stick of Plan A?

Are you doing all of that?

Get up and get busy- you have a lot to do.

DM, you can ask all the questions you want, but I will not hesitate to point out when they are foggy, and that was very high on the foggy meter. That was off the charts. Even if we were nuts and told you to allow some bum from the Comedy Club to come into your marital home, surely you wouldn't have the poor judgement to allow it? I know you know better than that.

Here is a good summarization of Plan A by Pepperband to make things easier:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Yes but what will it matter anyway if she doesn't do it now she could do it next week when I am at work. I could be home tonight and get in the house but when I go to work Monday they could be changed.

QUIT WHINING and what-ifing and get on with PLAN A!

What have you go to lose by followign Plan A?

You really like the idea of getting a divorce and lkiving seperately?

Seems to me you would give it your best shot before laying down and playing dead.

Please go tell your in-laws the truth. Let them know it is now their choice who they will believe. You had nothing to lose by telling them the truth. It will be hard for them NOT to believe their own daughter but if they do what is right, they will support you. Either way you need t/d the right thing.

L.

OK. Maybe I should have re-worded it. I would not allow that to happen but do I just say get out and if not act violently or to I call the cops at that point. THis is where I know what I need to do but what is the proper way to do it?

As far as the infidelity goes. It is a little grey as she points out that I had an affair as well. Meaning that she had the lesbian affair with her best friend and then borught it into our marriage. It is an affair right? So how can I justify that? It seems like the arguement that a lie is a lie is a lie, whether it is a white lie or a big lie right?

DM, yes, but you dont live there now, you left. It is much easier to KEEP YOU out when you don't live there than it is to KICK you out when you do live there. And most WS' are reluctant to do the latter because most police will not stand for that.

On the other hand, we have instances where the police have asked the BS to leave to keep the peace after he tried to get back in after he had LEFT. After you have moved out, your leverage and access to that house goes down.

Either way, waiting only gives her opportunities she didn't have if you had just gone home and that can cause you some unneeded obstacles and headaches.

I have nothing to lose in following Plan A. What I am concerned about is the vengeful retirbutions of doing some things that may follow after Plan A. FOr instance I am about marriage and am willing to fight for the marriage and will try to be consistent in this. How long I have I don't know because it depends on how long it takes for her to fill out the paperwork and proceed with this. And even then I understand that it is 90 days of seperation which I am unclear if that means I can still be in the house. In any case she can chooe to take me to the cleaners if I do certain things in Plan A whcih could be something I pay for the several years. But I have learned that I will not be bullied and will do what is right even if it means I have to pay for it later on.

Just use your best judgement.

And that is what I am doing but if I go back today and Monday she tries to change the locks how either way is hse going to prove that I don't live there? THe cops come by and she could just say he doesn't live here and they take her word? My car isn't there obviously because I am at work but I still have a lot of stuff there.

Can I make a suggestion? Stop worrying about "what if, what if, what if," and start focusing on WHAT IS? You have enough to worry about right now, without adding hypotheticals that will likely never happen anyway.

Talk is cheap with a WS. It is meaningless. You should liken it to talkng to a falling down drunk. You can only go by her actions. Her moods will change from day to day about your marriage. You must not allow yourself to be at the mercy of them or you will lose SEVERELY.

She will make numerous threats to get her way. But that is all they usually are. They huff and puff and blow alot of smoke onto the field of battle. You can't allow yourself to react. WHEN AND IF you get divorce papers, you respond. Until then, you don't worry about them. Instead you focus on doing the right thing for your marriage.

Your main focus cannot be on fear of her reactions, hut on doing the essential things necessary to save your marriage. And yes, some of those things may enrage her. But her rage will blow over. What you have to worry about is appeasing her. Because if you are appeasing someone who is he11bent on destroying your marriage, then you are CONTRIBUTING TO YOUR OWN DEMISE.

So, ignore her moods, stop fretting over what if's and stay completely focused on Plan A. That is what will save your marriage becasue it will be ruinous to her affair. Your marriage can survive her anger, it cannot survive an affair.

And that is what I am doing but if I go back today and Monday she tries to change the locks how either way is hse going to prove that I don't live there? THe cops come by and she could just say he doesn't live here and they take her word? My car isn't there obviously because I am at work but I still have a lot of stuff there. [/quote]

You are wasting my time with this.

THis is good. OK. Thanks.

Soldier on, DM!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The in laws have been told. They did not understand how me moving back into the house would be a good environment for the kids and help the kids and the marriage. Especially in light of "Growing Kids Gods Way". Any input? I told them everything and they said I am not sure we need to know this and then got into trying to focus on me and what I am doing and not taking sides. So I kind of felt awkward telling them but I told them the truth needed to be told and revealed. Oh there will be crap to pay for this I am sure as the things that will spew out are "relationships have been ruined", "how is this loving", "you make a big mistake now" etc. etc.

Do you not think it is God's way to have the mom and dad together?


Were you worried about growing them God's way when you were swinging with your wife's best friend?

I seriously do not remember the ok with that being in the Bible.

Anybody have an example leter I can send to the manager of the the drum place where the teacher teaches?

It is Gods way to have the mom and dad together but is it good that when they are together that the relationship is not right? Trust me I am not looking for reasons not to go back. I am going back. THis is for ammo for me.

No it wasn't Gods way when I was swinging with her best friend. Now keep in mind that the swinging was done first with her and then it was brought into our marriage. Not an excuse as I ask for forgiveness for that every day. And an affair is an affair. I did not go out and find her int was brought into the marriage but I allowed it to happen.