Techie,

Similar to this thread, the world is full of people and situations you can not control, this includes your wife.

Here comes a necessary cliche but, [color:"blue"]YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOU[/color]. Time to start that work.

I wish you the best and know what you're going thru is not easy. But, you have opportunities abound and can still turn things around.

Jo

When the person whose thread it is, asks me to keep off it, i'll keep off it.,

I've asked you to keep off mine. SO please do so.

Because they keep posting the same old stuff, and it's getting in the way of new stuff.
But apparently, it's useless to ask some people to respect my wishes, for my own threads.

Do you see a pattern of "Controlling Behavior" here, Techie?

1. Excessively emailing folks telling them to edit out things in their post that you don't want to hear

2. Creating a thread telling folks not to mention Plan B

Maybe if you create your own support website, make yourself the moderator and enforce strict rules for supporting Techie, maybe then you'll be happy. But I doubt it because eventually no one will be there to support you unless they are your clone.

But whats worse I fear is your marriage situation will pay the high price for your control issues.

Jo

Techie,

I was going to say tell you to start your own website, but Jo beat me to it. But if really if you want your own thread, why not start your own webiste and only invite people who tell you what you want to hear?

I'm a little confused as to why you keep asking the same questions expecting different answers.

If you are paying Steve Harley for advice and it differs from the advice you are getting here, you really need to choose who you are going to listen to and go with it. Do you doubt him? If not, listen to him and quit asking people here the same question.

You sound like a little boy who keeps playing his parents against one another and asking them questions over and over and hoping instead of disagreeing they'll finally agree with what he wants to hear.

Look we all know you are hurting. But you really need to quit being so spastic and get a plan and stick to it.

The same old stuff = What I don't want to hear because it makes me uncomfortable & not in alignment with how I want to control the situation

New stuff = Only what I want to hear

I am amazed by the number of people who claim to be following "the MB priciples by the harleys", yet fail to read/accept when the harleys themselves say something that contradicts their group-think notions.

The whole reason that the harleys do individual counselling, is because you cant give the samn exact advice, to every single person who has marriage problems. That's the "individual" part of "individual counselling", ya know?


No.. I'm asking DIFFERENT questions, but people keep giving me the same damn answer to the old question, instead of actually reading the new questions .



I HAVE a plan. I've even written my plan in my thread. probably multiple times by now!
but there are apparently too damn many people around here, who dont want actually READ individual situations, but just look for an opportunity to repeat their personal mantra.
"Go to plan B! When are you going to plan B?!"
even when it isnt apropriate, and has been recognized as not appropriate by both professional counsellors, and other people on this site now. arg. I cant believe people are so rude here.

I've been pushy, and confrontational, to other people in their threads, when it seemed like there was a truth they werent facing up to. But when they have asked me to stay out of an issue, I have done so. and I have never personally insulted them.


The rude people on here, seem to be justifying their actions, by claiming they are trying to "help" me.
But all they are trying to do, is hold up their Magic Bullet, and make themselves feel good that "This is the Solution to Everything!!!"

BUt they're afraid, "if it's not right for Techie... *gasp*.. maybe it ISNT the solution to everything! no, I cant accept that... Must attack Techie for his blasphemy!!!"



If it was the solution to every marital infidelity problem... there would be no need for the harleys to do individual counselling. They would just say, "ok, go read the forums, and follow their advice about "Do plan A for a while, then go to plan B". Ok there ya go, that'll be $200. NEXT!"

I would suggest that you follow the advice of your IC, and trust in that. If the ideas of the IC differ from those here, then tell the posters such and post different questions.

This is an OPEN forum, for MANY people so horrendously affected by infidelity, who really need a bit of guidance to pick themselves up and heal. If you have a plan and an IC, and can't deal with posters who've been there, giving you guidance, why continue posting here?

I guess I just don't understand all of the hub bub. Maybe finding a forum that better suits you is the answer; I know that there are others. There's really no need to attack people by calling them rude, and being disrespectful of people trying to help you. You seem terribly afraid of losing your M, as we all do or have, and have come here for help, just to mock those who are taking time out of their precious lives to talk to you, to help with what they have lived and learned. I think that is terribly rude.

I'm IN Plan B, and, you are right, it is not for everyone; you must be READY to enter this stage, and you do not seem there yet. It is a VERY big step, but one that I planned for. I have been crushed by my WH's behavior, and worked so hard to attempt to save that R, but I was ready for Plan B. I don't think the methods and the strategy are the problem; I believe that working this method saves some M's, but certainly saves the BS and their children. I believe that turning the mirror to oneself is the problem. It is very difficult to TRULY self examine. I find it draining, but have been able to see much more clearly lately. I have towering heaps of gratitude for those who have helped me here, even though I DIDN'T follow ALL of their advice. It's just advice, Techie.

techie -


The people on this forum follow the MB principles to the best of their individual abilities and understanding. It is not group-think. It is sharing what has worked in the vast majority of experiences within this collective group.


Simple solution. Ignore those posters who's advice you disagree with. They can post all they want on your thread, but you won't see the post.

I do wish you'd drop the Plan B mantra - this is not about you going to Plan B. This is about you manning up to be the head of your household and family in a manner that many here know from personal experience is the quickest way to beginning marital recovery.

You keep harping on SH being the professional. OK...I'll grant you that. He has probably heard hundreds of different stories from thousands of different couples.

But has he ever, personally, experienced the devestation of an affair?

On the other hand, nearly every poster on this forum has experienced the utter ****** of infidelity. Many have survived, becoming stronger. Some have not.

The point I'm driving at is simple. Why do you continue to discount the advice of people who have experienced this and come out the other side? In the 7 years I spent in the Navy, I never saw combat. However, had I seen it, I would much rather have had a Captain who had been in a scrap before than one who had simply studied a lot of history books and talked to a lot of people that had been in combat.

Both groups (the professionals like SH and the posters here on the forums) have their benefits. I have every confidence that SH is extremely confident and knowledgeable. But if you're going to continue to post here, I strongly urge you again to listen to what people are advising you before simply discounting the advice that doesn't match what you want.


[color:"red"]That, my friend, is a DJ. It was also rude, even if it wasn't directed at any one by name[/color].

There is no magic bullet. Trust me...every BS wants one.

You are close on one thing - there ISN'T one solution for everything. There are many solutions for everything. The question is, what outcome are you willing to accept?

Post deleted by b0b pure*

Techie, I'm not attacking, and for sure my sitch was not the same as yours, but by your own words, what you are doing is not working. How can it harm you to try something different? I didn't know anything about MB or MB principles when my FWW was into her LTA. But, I knew that I wasn't going to be a doormat. I went dark, and stayed that way...for a long time.

bendover49,

I'm interested to hear more about your sitch. I searched for your thread, but didn't find anything. Would you mind giving a synopsis of where you've been and how you are? Thanks

SL

SL, I don't want to hi-jack Techie's thread, but my recovery is going great, my wife was(is) very remorseful, and one hundred percent committed to our marriage. She has made making this up to me, a priority for her. Our marriage is better than ever for both of us, but even better for me.
But it was certainly not worth how we got here.

More later.

Ben_Dover

techie -

There's a great post about Plan A by that might be beneficial for you to look at. You can read it here.

Take a look and let us know what you think.

Techie-

I'm the guys who's been bugging you to let us know what your plan is all along.

I've gone back and reviewed your old thread...and I don't see it. There's nothing that spells out what you're going to do to reach your goals.

Can you please spell out that plan here in this thread, if this is going to be your thread moving forward?

I still don't understand how you're planning on recovering your marriage...help me out, so we can try to help you out.

I think we are getting Plan B'ed by techie on his "Plan B Free" thread! Gotta love the irony! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

I've given up on thinking most people here would be considerate and polite enough to respect my wishes, (not to mention respecting the counselling of Steve Harley), to make maintaining a "thread" here, anything I want to do any more. I have enough pain in my life trying to deal with unreasonable things from my wife, without having to deal with unreasonable people HERE, too. But for you, Owl, I'll reply:

My plan was to keep doing plan A, until I believed that my wife was comfortable enough with me, to actually see consistent positives in our relationship. At that point, to discuss with her (LIKE STEVE SAID) specifics of how we could recommit to each other, and turn that positive relationship, into a positive marriage. That would most likely be a long-drawn out multi-week process. but if we could come out at the end with a "yes, this kind of structure sounds like it would be good to both of us" result, then it would be time to talk about making actual plans for "how to get there from here". Which would involve further sessions with Steve, seeing as how he's the one with actual experience getting people from "thinking about" to "doing" actual marital recovery.

Things were progressing fairly well. it was looking like I would be able to start those talks with her mid-to-end december.
(As i wrote in my thread!) I had a plan, and I had a timeline for things.

Then something happened, she's not being clear as to what (but blowing smokey excuses my way and picking fights), and the previously partially open door, seems to have closed off. (who knows.. maybe because she came on here, read that I was planning to talk to her this month, and decided to sabotage progress that we had made <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> )



So... not sure any more. Probably will talk to steve again in a few days, but havent decided when to make the appointment from. Still kinda depressed from the whiplash, so trying to get my head to settle down a bit before talking to him again. Tryin to figure out other things to do with myself, too.

Good. There is something very attractive about people who have passions, or who are just plain passonate about life itself.

How often are you able to spend time with your boys? I bet they are a handful.

It is hard to start doing things on your own again after having been involved only in family things for so long. It takes time to find out what you like again and what you can do as a single unit.

This time would be very well spent learning about yourself, trying to picture that guy you would like to become and setting out to become him.

Techie,

Well, of course you know the first possible reason we'd all suspect...she's found someone else, either online or in person, and that creates the situation where she doesn't want you in the picture anymore. She's allowing them to meet those EN's that she WAS letting you meet.

The basic premise of your plan seems reasonable, as long as you applied BOTH sides of plan A in there...carrot AND stick. The flack you've been catching is that there's no stick in your plan A...she suffers no repercussions for continuing in marriage damaging behavior.

One other comment...another poster on another thread mentioned something that made sense. Plan A is intended to END THE AFFAIR. If there is no affair CURRENTLY going on...plan A doesn't apply. Plan B either, for that matter.

So it falls back to this...do you believe that she's back to being involved with OM, or some new OM?

If so, plan A/B as appropriate.

If not...it's a different premise to rebuild your marriage. But the same advice you've received from a number of people still apply...in order to rebuild her love in you, you have to become someone she can love and respect. I'm NOT talking plan B...I'm talking boundaries and personal self-respect and improvements.

Give that some thought. If there is no affair...wouldn't it make sense to make her WANT you in her life more? The most common way to do that is to back off...it forces the other person to come to you.

Let us know what's going on in your sitch as soon as you've got info.

I don't want to get caught up in the arguments here. Just thought I'd say something about Dr.Harley, who doesn't always give the same advice to all situations.

I talked to him about a month ago (not Steve, the Dr.) and told him that my lawyer says I should not leave my house because I could lose custody of my children. My wife won't leave either, so there is no way to do a Plan B unless I want to take a chance losing my children.

Even though I've been in Plan A for more than 6 months, Dr. Harley agreed that I should not leave. In fact he actually told to stay and try to wait it out for 2 years!

I have thought it over and I don't think I can do that, but that was his advice just the same. So he doesn't always follow the plans as outlined in Surviving an Affair.