Well it really stinks that I have to be here but I really need some help!

My hus has left about 7 weeks ago to move in ow. We have been married a little over a year and have no children. Relationship had some problems like all do but I never thought that I would be here.

Let me tell you a little about what happened and maybe you can help me understand what I need to do from here on out. My hus and I both have been married before him 11 years me 7. We dated for eight months and then got married. We did the counciling and all that hoo-ha. I always kept my husband at arms length and was very negative. If we got into a fight I would say lets split up knowing what I wanted him to say was no I love you and want to be with you. Witch is what he did until a couple months ago. See there was this girl at his work that was having problems with her boyfriend and he was having problems with me. From what I understand she had started flirting with him and telling him how hot he is and that she would love to do him. So that had going on for about a month. My hus told me about her and let me know that he was struggling but instead of me putting in love deposits I Love Busted I became really insecure. Evrey day I would ask him did you see have you talked to her and as far as I know he was honest and said yes but not inappropriatley.
He went to mens retreat at our church and told some of the guys that he was struggling and that he did not want to be with anybody but me. Fast foward a weekl. He comes home and we get into a huge arguement and then he tells me maybe we are incompatable and we should be happy and always have that in love feeling. I believe these are words from ow because he never talked that way before. He said he needed space and thats when they hooked up.I asked why he did it he said he wanted to hurt me before I hurt him. See his x cheated on him at evrey job she was at. My boss hit on me I
told him that I loved my hus. and that it would not be tolerated. Well I talked to my hus about b/c I felt more important at work then I did at home. He assumed that I would do it to him so he decided he would do it to me first Later he told me that they had been planning this for about a week. They had been talking about a month. I came home from church looked at him and knew something horriable had happened. He would not tell me at first and then just started crying uncontrolably and told me what happened. He told me he was so sorry and how could he do this to me and so on. So we go to church and we are at the alter crying together and beliving that God can fix this. We made love that night. For me it was a way to say I forgive you lets move on. The next day he talked about how he would always love me to me that said he was done. I did not know about withdrawl. So I told him he needed to leave. Hence ow let my husband move in an she kicked her bf out. She has three kids. Is a cashier and from what I understand looks hung out to dry. Me I am 34 years old have fitness and figure competions plus modeling and am very successful at what I do.
My husband in the begining had not talked for 10 days and when we did I asked him do you love me still Yes Do you miss me Yes Do you think about me All the time. And then we talked about how we could not continue our marriage the way it was. So that excited. Well I Love Busted all over the place after that I called him constinatly at work asking him if he was going to get a divorce. He says he leaning that way because he is afraid that we will not be able to get past this.
What do I do from here? Please help me.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It sounds like you both brought emotional baggage from your previous marriages to this marriage.

I hope you read the Love Busters and Disrespectful Judgments parts. Start in Plan A, showing him what a wonderful, calm and cheerful wife you can be. Make your home warm and welcoming.

He will never last in an affair with a woman with 3 kids.

Hey Mimi or Orchid, can you help this Anika?????? She really needs some insight....Glad you posted Anika....

Hey Believer...can we bump this up?

Please help guys. I feel like I want to die. How did I get here. Can it be fixed? Will he come back? I am so confused. Do I want this Marriage? Will I ever be able to trust again? He says he does not love but really likes her that she makes him feel good. How do I plan A when he has asked me to give him space. I know in previous post that I talked about looks I know that is not what is most important I just do not understand why he choose who he chose He knows that she is known as the store sleeze but he wants her Why?! I do not get it. Is it over?

He says he still loves me and his mom says that he was staring at our wedding picture and looked really sad. He also says he thinks about me all the time. Real words or crap? I really want my marriage to work out. He has not said it is over but he has not said that he wants to work it out.

Please, anybody can you Help me?

His family also wants nothing to do with her. They do not want to meet her or have anything to do with her family. In work almost evreybody is giving them a hard time. How long do these things really last? Do couples get past this when one spouce says he does not want to talk to other one right now? I have not seen him in almost two months. Is there hope.

obviously she attracted your husband by filling some of his needs



these are the most important ENs .... and everyone ranks them according to personal preference


affection
sexual fulfillment
recreational companionship
honesty & openness
physical attractiveness
financial support
domestic support
family commitment
admiration

I am guessing you consistently failed to meet one or more of your husband's top 5 needs

not only that ... but you might have been thinking you were meeting certain needs of his
but you were trying to meet his needs in ways that YOU would want that need met, and not in ways HE would (understand the difference?)

add to this .... the fact that you have a love-busting mouth on you .... you say what you want to say as an emotional release ... and doing so has hurt him and thus damaged your marriage

actually, if you play this smart, you have a darn good chance of attracting your husband back to the marriage

read the Harley site information about ENs and lovebusters (these are lovebusters)

selfish demands
disrespectful judgments
angry outbursts
annoying habits
independent behavior
dishonesty

and take self-inventory
honestly grade yourself as to how you have failed as a wife (but also how you have had success)

fix the areas in yourself that are not so good-looking (you may be beautiful, but if you are not warm and loving ... it's not enough for a man who has admiration as one of his top 3 ENs)

read/think/and then make adjustments without expectations of an immediate turn around

by the way ... did you and H begin seeing each other before both of you were legally divorced?



[color:"red"]PLEASE be aware, that lack of EN fulfillment is NO EXCUSE for an affair ... there is NO EXCUSE for an affair .... your H had an affair because he failed to protect his weaknesses .... [/color]

but you must play this smart if you want to attract him back for good

Pep

Pep, very good advice...I am replying, on behalf of Anika as she does not have access to a computer but she and I speak on the phone every day...She said that they were both legally divorced before they started to see each other...I have told Anika, over and over again, to stop calling him and to let him be. I think she needs to hear from quite a few people on here. She is really in a dark dark place right now and really needs a "pick up"...

anti-depressants are probably necessary for her

most of us betrayed required some chemical help out of the infidelity-depression

pass that along

Pep

ok, i will do it

What do you mean if I play it right can you let me know. I really would like a chance to do this right

I think she means if you do a good plan A, and following the MB principles.

Have you read Surviving an Affair?

Do they work together?

If so, then you need to expose to their supervisors.

You need to expose to anyone who has influence with the adulturers.

Did you look at Pep's list to see if you can figure out his top emotional needs?

Yes I looked at Peps list and his emotional need is affirmation or me letting him know he is important. I screwed this up so bad. How can I plan A when he says he wants some space? Yes I talked to his boss their is no guideline for work place affairs.

Since he is living with her, you have a lot of work to do on yourself. You can't make him do anything.

I would stay in good shape, dress nicely, have a clean and welcoming home. Spend your efforts on making a nice life for you, and hopefully he will join you.

what company is this?

is it small and local?

If not, go up and up to the ceo.

Work place affairs leave the company wide open for sexual harrassment charges.

Do you guys think that this relationship is going to work out between them? From what I understand 95% affairs do not last.
Am I reading into what he is saying when he says he still loves me thinks of me misses me afraid to face what he has done. How do I meet needs when he will not talk? They work at Home Depot.

No, it will not work out.

What are you doing NOW, to make your life better?

I am working out I am in coounciling and I am trying to figure out what my part in this marriage is. I am focusing on my son on my job and my God. I feel like all I do is think about this like it is always there. Do you think I destroyed this beyond repair? with both in 2nd marriages and only being married a little over a year Do you think we can do it

The H in him misses you and his family. The WS in him wants the A to continue.

Do you know which one you are dealing with and how to adapt to helping only your real H vs being used by the WS?

L.