kiwibrit...Exposure is simply the MOST powerful weapon that a betrayed spouse has in their arsenal...It is a way to hasten the end of an affair...Affairs thrive in secrecy and exposure forces the infidels to see themselves through the eyes of others...which is NOT a pretty sight...Exposing bursts the fantasy that the affair exists in and forces reality into the situation...

Virtually every BS that comes here says what you did...that the WS would be so angry that the marriage would never stand a chance if they were to expose...But here's the thing, your marriage CAN survive your husband's anger, but it can NOT and will NOT survive an ongoing affair...You most assuredly need to expose this affair in order to kill it...

Mrs. W

KiwiBrit - you are dead wrong. Listen to MrsW - PLEASE.

My wife's affair ended within DAYS of being exposed. You are making a HUGH tactical error by keeping his sleazy affair secret.

Your marriage can survive his short term anger. It cannot survive his ongoing affair.

KB,
How is what you are doing now working for you?

Not very well as I see it.

So, why not give a tested and proved method a shot?

Expose to the Dean.

Sin, affairs included, flourish in the dark. Only by shining the light on them (exposure) will you have any chance of it stopping.

Doing what you are doing is simply enabling him to continue to have an adulturous relationship and allowing him to be a cake eater.

EXPOSE today.

You should call the respected friend and ask him to put pressure on the both of them- that is what exposure is for-to help you save your marriage.

kiwi, this is pretty hopeless if you don't expose. Yes, he will get angry, but your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it can't survive this affair. If you don't expose, you are more likely to lose your H. The very best thing you can do to ruin this affair is expose to the college, her parents, his parents. It may not kill the affair, but it will sure inflict a huge enough blow that it would cause great conflict in the affair.

There is no "dignity" in sitting by silently while your family is being destroyed, refusing to fight. That is very UNDIGNIFIED. Sitting by silently makes you an enabler, a contributor to your own demise.

Hi there Kiwi,

I'm sorry to hear about your pain.



I understand this. I think my M was similar a few years ago, and I also thought it was great to not be 'too needy'. I was kidding myself. That style of M had the result that we both filled our ENs elsewhere, whether through friends, work, hobbies, etc, and lacked a strong emotional bond that can only come through sharing vulnerability and needs.

Have you read any books about As? Have you read Surviving an A, His Needs her Needs, or anything by Shirley Glass or Peggy Vaughan? If you want to do a good Plan A, it may help to do the emotional needs questionaire for yourself and for him, filling it in as though you are him.

Its important to be clear and direct with him about how much pain you and your kids are in. He needs to know this information. State it plainly. You don't have to be a clinging, needy W. Just honest.

What kind of support do you have? Its really important for you to look after yourself as well as you possibly can. Do you have an IC? Can you talk to an MC? Do you have good friends you can confide in? What about physically looking after yourself... do you eat well, exercise, sleep well, relax enough?

If you want to have the best chance of saving your M, exposure will be very important. I would start with his boss, the HoD. Understand that this is very important and the uni would consider it your responsibility to tell them this kind of information. As Kiwi said, it may well be academic misconduct which is a very serious matter.

Have you read about the concept of 'fog'? Can you take ten steps back from your H and look at his behaviour right now in the big picture?
He is very confused. He is blaming you for his choices. He seems to have no concept of the pain he has caused. He is neglecting his kids. He doesn't know what he wants, except that he is running from pain, wherever he thinks 'pain' is. This is very much like an addict, be it a gambling addict, an alcoholic, a sex addict. You will benefit if you can accept everything he says right now with the same caution you would if it came from an addict.

For example, if you expose and he threatens that he is so angry there is now no chance he will return to the M... can you believe that there are many here who have heard those words before you, and they meant nothing? Please think about exposing. Please try and prepare your support group now. Look after yourself and those kids.

Thanks Smur, no I haven't read any books yet apart from one on Becoming Single which took a whole different slant on things. I don't want to become single.
I am trying to look after myself but I know that I often forget to eat ... I have lost 6 kg in the last few weeks and I'm not overweight. I am sleeping ok but find it just about impossible to relax. I am jumpy and can't concentrate. It isn't so bad when I know that he isn't going to be around for a few days but when he is around but not here it drives me a bit mad and I am on edge wondering if I should ring him or not and so on. I have to be VERY careful when I am driving as I know I am distracted and have had a couple of frights where I have made a bad move or just haven't noticed something. I now make an effort to really concentrate and not get 'into' my thoughts whilst driving.
I do have a very good friend who is a great support and my brother is here from the Uk at the moment. Both of them would be here at a moment's notice if I needed them and are good listeners.
I read about the fog and it really helps but sometimes the things he says are so unjust it just isn't funny ... then I find it hard not to rise to the bait.
At one stage I saw a text from OW to him asking whether staying with me was just the easy option .... now i think coming back is the hard option. It would be easier in the short term to keep running. It is going to take a lot of courage, strength and patience to come back and get our marriage back on track.
Exposure will wait until tomorrow and even then I don't have many people to expose to. His work... that's it. Family already know. I thought I knew her uncle's phone number (with whom she lives) but it turned out to be an ex-partner of hers who wouldn't care less.
I am so unsure of what to do because there are times when I think he is on the verge of ending the A and coming back. He is as stubborn as a mule at the best of times though so I think he will get himself a place and move out just to prove that he was right ... that that was what he needed to do all along.

I am wondering why I am bothering at all with this ... why would you want someone as a partner for life who is capable of treating you like this? I love him so much but at the moment all his bad points are glaring and his good points non-existent. I am trying to see it like a mental illness that he has little control over but it feels like I am cutting him so much slack I am being walked all over. I'm sure you have heard all this before and some of you have come out of the other end of it.

Why would you move out???

First off, it's tough to Plan A separated. Even if you only Plan A for a week or a month or two you should do a at least a little one.

Then when you Plan B...give him the proper letter and change the locks. It's much easier for him to go than you with the kids. Consider it.

Exposure tomorrow ....good to hear.

Mr. Wondering

No, I'm not even considering moving out (did I suggest that I was?).
He is the one who is looking for somewhere else. I don't want him to go because he becomes more cold and distant when he is away for any length of time and I think their relationship will get stronger and ours will get more difficult.

oops...my bad...misread

If and when he ever does move out...then you wait just a week or two and then Plan B. This is the typical order of things IF that happens.

Mr. W

Can WH prevent you from leaving NZ with his child???

R U stuck there if he does leave you and/or divorce you???

You may need to document like the men here just in case he EVER fights you for custody or tries to make you stay there. You must do this on the backside. He should not be aware you are doing this. Just keep a specific journal of all your activities and daily comings and goings versus his involvement. Without a contemporaneous journal he could just lie and make the whole case a he said/she said. Protect your legal interests just in case.

Mr. Wondering

Hi Kiwibrit,



I think almost everyone here has stories about the 'infidelity diet' and how much weight they lost. Its really important that you start to take care of yourself in every way you can. Great that your brother is there. Anyone who can help in practical ways, maybe to mind the kids for an hour while you go to the IC or for a jog or a coffee or whatever you do that is just for yourself... and of course if they can provide a non-judgemental, listening ear, that is very important right now.

If you don't have an IC please consider it seriously. Mine was a lifeline for me at a very difficult time ( I was also basically alone in a foreign country). They also know when to refer you to a doctor for anti-depressants if you happen to need them.

The books were a great help to me. I think they will give you some understanding of the background to As, which is basically the same for everyone. Understand that this has nothing to do with love, soulmates, romance...etc. It has everything to do with escape, addiction, ENs, immaturity, and a false sense of entitlement. The vast majority of As end within 2 years, and most end much, much sooner, as you will see if you read a lot on this site.

But you are right, if your H continues to treat you very badly, you will probably lose all love for him and not want him back once his A ends. This is what Plan B is designed for - to protect you from his bad choices, and preserve your love for him until he is recovered from the fog. If you think you are almost at the stage of giving up on your M, because you are rapidly losing love for him, consider going to Plan B fairly quickly. If you do want to go to Plan B, first read everything you can about it. Its important to do it when the time is right for you, and when you are sure you can follow through with it.

It sounds to me like this is all very new right now. The A has not been going long, and perhaps your H may be swayed by a good Plan A including exposure. Good luck with the exposure!

OK so the whole thing has turned to custard. (Is that an English saying?)
The good friend and colleague of my WH spoke to him about the A today. I'm not sure what was said but all my WH would say about it was that they had discussed what would need to happen next semester so that the OW could still do her course ... and that included going to the management to tell them about it. No one left to reveal to who would care too hoots.
WH came home happier than he has been for ages and was a good caring dad all evening whilst I was an emotional wreck. He told me that he has no interest in working on our relationship and that he just wants to pursue his relationship with the OW.
We started talking more after the children had gone to bed and I ended up doing some terrible LB. I just can't take him being so unfair in his accusations. I know I should have bitten my tongue, let him talk and just raged into my pillow later but I ended up telling him he was just a big waste of time...Bad move as he walked out.
I have had it really. I have no way of making things better between us when I feel so upset and hurt. I really am starting to wonder why on earth I am bothering.
(Just got a text as I was typing apologising for walking out and saying nasty things ... amazing, first time in ages he has initiated contact. I just says that he is fragile at the moment and can't cope with things I say to him.)
It might have to be plan B very soon, although he is going on a paddling trip for three weeks in Jan so he won't even notice! And then his parents will be here so that would make things very difficult for them.

This is so tiring! I was supposed to go out for a meal tonight with a group of mums from the Playcentre. I am the President so I was supposed to do speeches for people leaving. I turned up, handed the leaving cards to someone, and walked out in tears ...mmm excellent!
Tomorrow night I am supposed to be running a meeting but I just don't trust myself to hold it all together. I have been really good at hiding it for weeks now, but it all seems to be falling apart at the seams.

DON'T LET HIM SPIN IT!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU TELL THE DEAN TOMORROW!!!!

Please

kiwi, it is important that you expose this affair. Your H talking to a collegue is not exposure. The true facts need to come FROM YOU. After you expose to the dean, you might want to also call his collegue and give him the CORRECT STORY and ask him for his help in saving your family.

I also think it is very important that you expose this to her parents. If her parents are paying for her education, they might have a slight problem with this.

Kiwi,

Do you have the money to make an appt with Steve Harley? I strongly recommend you do so. Even one counseling appt with him will help you in formulating a solid plan.

I also agree with Melody, YOU need to expose. Having your husband talk to people is not exposure. It's him making justifications and placing a positive spin on his adultery. He probably tells folks that you and him are still friends and you're supporting his leaving you for an OW.

You have much more control of your situation than you are aware.

Jo

Speaking of money

What kind of handle to you have on your families financial situation???

Waywards blow through money

Waywards that think they are divorcing hide money

Do you have access???

BTW...this is how waywards expose:

"Well I'm kind of in a pickle, my marriage has been over for quite some time but we agreed to stay married for the kids and now I've met this great girl that I'm in love with. At first my wife was fine with it and now she's making a big stink about it. I fear she's just doing it to try to take the kids away from me (or to get more money). I wonder what I should do??"


You also have more power than you think. Your WH is a thrill seeker (Kayaker was my first tip). He is overlooking reality as he partakes in this thrill fantasy. If he considers it at all he just presumes YOU and the KIDS will be fine. Everyone will just get along and eventually at be happy with this outcome. He is so addicted to the thrill ride (being OW) that there is just no way "he can't not do it". However, when reality strikes, when he discovers you won't be friendly with him, you will take his money in support, you will expose him forever, he will be denied unfettered access to his kids, you will move back to
England with his children, and you won't even speak to him SOMETIMES such reality gets through the fog and the WH realizes he's not a little boy with no responsibilities. This happens slowly but as the reality slowly creeps in it disturbs the fantasy relationship and then the infidels begin to love bust each other. Their relationship has no foundation in reality so any lovebusting is big stuff for them. The insecurities come raging out. Especially the OW, any contact you have with her man is a threat cause she instinctively knows that WH could dump her at any second to run back home to his family.

Your job...bring reality home..the sooner the better...expose the affair in all it's ugly truth but with the stated intention that you are looking for any assistance you can to save your marriage. If you've got copies of cell phone and home phone bills perhaps the dean should be given a copy so he can investigate any improprieties (if WH racked up a ton of calls to OW during exam week that could look really bad). It will be nearly impossible to save your family/marriage with WH working at the school where OW is a student so getting him fired would be a huge bonus.

I'd also consider documenting that he can not go out for a 3 week paddling trip with OW and if he does he's abandoning you. If he still goes, might be time for Plan B. Pack up and take the kids back to England. Let him find an empty home and a Plan B letter when he returns. Geography has a way of busting up affairs big time. Even if they try to make a go of it, he is still going to want to visit his kids in England. He can be court ordered not to expose the OW to the kids so he'll come alone and that will drive OW nuts.

Your husband is fighting hard to make this all as normal as possible. Don't allow him to manipulate you and this situation. It IS wrong and his cavalier attitude can't change that. I suspect deep down he knows it too which is the reason he's trying to convince you so hard. The only way this works for him is if you believe him. Don't...this ain't over by a long shot but only YOU can save him and your family...maybe (but you'll feel good either way just for trying).

YOU will make it.

Mr. Wondering

My husband's 2 year "true love" affair ended THE DAY we exposed to OW's husband ...

EXPOSURE KILLS AFFAIR SECRECY

and without the secrecy ... affairs look shabby and taudry

please

EXPOSE to the university

today

Pep

Dear KB

I am gobsmacked by your hs sense of entitlement .He seems to expect the universe to circle around his wants and needs.Unfortunately universities are full of like minded narcissistic souls.

As far as a s are concerned tthere is a certain element of perceived sophistication about affairs and they can often be a source of status amongst contemporaries.

Tthe colleaguue and the best friend are” cool with it “probably flattered to be included in the secret and would seem to be enabling the situation to continue.

What appears to be happening is that the colleague is arranging things so that your h and ow are not in the same academic position they have been in this year.

It seems that he thinks that if it doesnt happen in the future that his a**e is covered. The fact that it has happened in the past I would think is still a factor .There must be some hard and fast rules relating to this matter somewhere and now is the time to find out what those rules are .

The relationship is a fact not an opinion and it is still inappropriate in that setting , now is the time to expose whilst next years timetables are being prepared

GOOD LUCK

Next year's timetables were prepared in September of this year.

It is my guess that this student is postgraduate and KB's H is her supervisor. If this was the case he means that by "telling management" he will ask for a different supervisor for this student (a reason can be made up eg he and the student are having "personality differences" or their research no longer tallies or he has too big a workload to continue supervising).

HOWEVER, if KB lets the Dean or the HOD know exactly what the reason is for the change of supervision that puts a very different slant on things.

If she's undergraduate, there's nothing to stop her enrolling whereever she wants. However, KB's H can ask that a different academic grade her papers.

Quick update. Apparently his colleague wasn't so happy about it as he told WH that if WH didn't go to the top with it ... he would have to. So, last night when WH came around to look after the children for a few hours he told me that he had sent an email to the boss as he had gone to see him but he wasn't in.
He is obviously very stressed and concerned about this. It is all my fault because i told the colleague in the first place. He left saying that if he loses his job he will be off. Not sure what he means by that but probably that he will go and live in a hovel by the sea which is apparently one of the dreams he and OW have. Good luck to them!
I dont' think he will lose his job but just the fact that he is having to talk to other people about it and try and justify himself is bound to put pressure on him.
I have worded a very supportive email to the boss making clear that I am not happy with the situation and am hoping for a reconciliation as there was no great problems within the marriage. I have outlined the extremely heavy workload WH has had this year and how I see that as a large factor in the situation. I haven't sent it yet ... sent it to my mum for a second opinion!
I have started talking with another woman who is going through a separation. Different in that her H is alcoholic and she has been through 2 years of MC etc to try to work things out. But similar in that we are both here away from our home countries and have young children. She is being a huge support by sending me emails reminding me how wonderful I am and how amazing my children are etc etc...

Thanks to all of you for your support. I know I am not doing things wonderfully well by MB standards but even just the reassurance that people do recover from As is great. The reminders not to LB ... all of it really, it is great to feel that I have some control because for a while there I felt completely out of control of the whole situation.
Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!