romero1976
Junior Member


Reged: 12/03/06
Posts: 4

I just found out that my wife...
#3147144 - 12/11/06 02:06 AM
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Is/was having an affair. We have been married for about a year and a half.

I am devistated, don't know what to think or feel. We have had our problems and have been in counseling. It has just happened in the last couple of weeks.

A fellow student asked her out about 2 months ago and then they became friends. Around thanksgiving she started to have feeling for him. She didn't tell me this then.

Things became physical about two weeks ago, and she has slept with him on several ocasions within the past week and a half. In our home. The first time she slept with him was the day after I left on a buisness trip. I am still on travel and am not scheduled to get back home until then end of the week. (15 Dec).

I don't know how to feel or what to do. I spoke with her and she is sorry and she loves me.

I spoke with my brother and he says to leave her, that is what my head is saying too, my heart can't cope with that.

I love her.

Thanks for reading,
-Jason

If he doesn't have kids, I would advise him to cut his losses and move on. She is cheating on him after only a year and a half. That is a sign of things to come.

If he does want to save his marriage, he is going to have to get a job that doesn't require him traveling so much. He doesn't have the time to meet her ENs, so she has found someone that will. He will have to get evidence, confront her, and if she doesn't end the affair, he will have to expose her to all family and friends. If you continue with her, she must have NC with this OM ever again. That means no classes together, and she probably should go to another school so she doesn't run into him because the chances of the affair resuming if there is continued contact is very high. Fill out the EN questionnaires, LB questionnaires, and get some good MC (talk to Dr. Harley if possible).

romero

Dr Harley would advise that you cut your losses as such an early betrayal is hardly an indicator of high success in your long future marriage.

What he also advises is that we should not make life-changing choices while temporarily traumatised.

So, sir, I suggest that FIRSTLY you visit your doctor to consider antidepressents. These can really help stabilise the rollercoaster at this devastating time for you. It is no weakness to use them.

Then, read the basic concepts on this site, and if you can read "Surviving an affair" by Willard Harley. This will give you an insight into the dynamics behind your WWs decision to have an affair, and its likely effects on you.

Also to make you feel less alone CLICK HERE to read my experiences as a BS and to read some of the wonderful advice I received from the kind angels here.

I GUARANTEE your life will have improved by two months time. this devastation is not so raw always as it is now. I know this.

By then you may have the information you need to make a decision whether to attept recovery and trust your early-cheating wife again, or whether to cut your losses and divorce.

You don't have to decide that right now.

All blessings.

I updated on JFO too marcus

Thanks guys

I am flying home tomorrow. I don't know if I am going to stay in our apartment tomorrow night. I have agood friend in the area I may stay with.

We have an apointment on Thursday and on Monday with the counselor we were seeing early on.

I am going to see my doctor about anti-depressants and something to help me sleep. I didn't sleep last night and I don't think I am going to sleep tonight.

Thank you for your help and advise.

-Jason

I am in the Navy, and unfortunatly getting another job is not a possibility. She says the affair is over, I only have her word. I believe her. She promised NC, I believe that also.

I just don't know what to do. It doesn't seem fair that her actions have put me in a place where I am the one to decide about the future of our life.

-Jason

Romero,

Hang in there. This often claimed to be THE WORST time in all of this. You have been given great advice by the others. Read, learn, and have patience with yourself. Frankly, you need to know why she decided to violate HER vows, HER boundaries, and herself. She needs to figure this out before any decisions can be made.

Just remember and remind her, that you had no part in her decision to violate HERSELF as she did. You did have a role in the state of the marriage. Accept that, but NOT her affair.

If you can get her to do anything, it is for her to explain to you WHY she violated HERSELF as she did.

Have you noticed I didn't say violate YOUR marriage, or you? That is for a reason. She can justify that. All WS's can offer you lots of justification for cheating on YOU, but what you need is why she did it to herself. This is truly more important because vows are really made to ourselves, and if we cannot keep them, no one else can make us.

I am sorry for your pain. You have heard from some very experienced and good people. Listen to them, I have sure learned a lot from them.

Hang in there and give this a lot of TIME and PATIENCE.

God Bless,

JL

once again guys a Big Thanks!

JL,

Thank you for your words, I don't know what I am going to do about the Holidays. I talked with my brother and I don't feel like I should have, he is looking out for my well being. But to him there is only one answer. I don't want him to judge me or her. I have been doing a lot of reading and I am just so confused.

-Jason

Jason,

Just remember, it's not just a simple case of whether or not to take her back. If you do decide to stay together certain conditions must be met. You must change, and she must change. This infidelity did not occur without reason. If you just decide to get back together without meaningful changes in the relationship, this will just happen again. I see it all too often on these boards. A BS will rejoice that his WS's affair is finally over, and thinks that things will go back to normal now. That BS is only setting himself up for failure further down the road. If you do stay together use Marriage Builders as a roadmap on how to maintain a healthy marriage. Throw everything you've learned previously about relationships out the door and start anew here. What you were doing before obviously wasn't working. Read up on this website. There is more free information here than any other site I've ever visited. Most marriage counselors on the internet are just interested in selling you something. Dr. Harley is interested in helping people, and his system works. Make sure you get a firm commitment out of your WW to follow MB principles before you take her back (if you do).

Awsome advice from JL. I had not seen it put like this before but it makes so much sense.

I'm afraid this may not be the MB opinion but w/out kids involved and since you've only been married a short while, you have to ask yourself - will this M be sustainable, fulfilling and loving for both of us in the long term? If I was in your shoes, and after the dust settled some, I'd be inclined to think not. I'm speaking for my relationship, if it had developed that way, I have no idea about yours and don't mean any disrespect.

I'm also in the mil and the lifestyle is tough (as you know), some people can't handle it and turn elsewhere to full their ENs. Can your W be strong enough not to have another A; or say you get out to save your M, many jobs are very demanding, can she remain a person of strength and integrity when you may have to travel for some other job? Are you capable of forgiveness and be able to not bring up her mistake and use it against her during future disagreements that happen in every marriage, good and bad?

Tough questions but you are in the right place to ask advice and reflect on what others offer.


V/r,
No way

Hi Jason,

I replied on your JFO thread...

FYI - I was in the military too when I found out about my W's "first" A.

You've gotten some great advice. I would caution you about telling too many details to your family. I was fortunate in that my family all said that they supported me in whatever decision I made. I've seen instances here where the BS will confide in a family member, then reconcile and start to work on their M, only to have their family but into the rebuilding process.

Please let us know how you're doing.

Semper Fi,
RIF

Bumping up for Jason...

Thanks everyone.

I got back into town on tuesday night. I was afraid of how I would feel when I saw her for the first time at the airport. I was afraid that I would hate her. It was hard but I think it was good to see her.

We didn't go back to our home, we went to a hotel and have checked if for a while. We have done a lot of talking. I have seen a doctor and been prescribed Paxil and some ambien to help me sleep.

I also went a saw a pastor at a friends church. Need all the help I can get. We have an appointment with our counselor today at 5.

A agree about telling my family, I told my brother and I think that I shouldn't have told him.

We were supposed to go back to Colorado for the holidays to spend christmas with my family. I don't know if I should go alone, bring her, not go. I just don't know, i am going to ask our conselor today.

One day at a time.

-Jason

Hi Jason,

Good to hear from you... I think you are doing very well to take things slow. Try not make any quick decisions.

I'd have a talk with your brother before I made a decision on going home for the holidays... if he's talked with the family, it might put your W in an uncomfortable position, especially if you two are trying to work things out. If you've decided to work things out, then it might be best that you skip the trip home this year and focus on your M.

Hope your counseling sessions go well and that you will take some time before you make your final decision. Please let us know how you're doing...

Semper Fi,
RIF

RIF,

Our counseling session was pretty rough, she still harbored a lot of anger from past lies that I told her about past relationships. I never cheated while we were dating or married but I did lie to her. It was rough, to go through all of those past wrongs I had thought that she had forgiven me. It was difficult to hear her talk about the affair. And the uncertainty that she had in everything. This site did help because I remember reading that the WS would be confused and would probably miss the OM. Just because I know it, doesn't make it easier.

We talked about the session quite a bit afterword, it was difficult. We then proceeded to have a very good evening. We laughed and smiled and enjoyed eachother's company.

It really looks like she is commiting to NC. She told me that she was going to look at withdrawing from college and applying to a nursing program at a local hospital. It meant a lot to me that she decided on that herself and I didn't ask her. It is hard to let go of the doubt that she actually will go through with it. I am very tenative.

Another day, the sun came up and I can still breath.

-Jason

Hi Jason,

Glad to hear that your counseling session went well. One of the hardest things for me to grasp was the fact that I had to take responsibility for my actions within the M... I wasn't responsible for my W's A's, but I was responsible for creating the condition in the M that allowed her to decide to have her A's.

Rebuilding a M is tough, painful work, but the rewards are well worth the effort. Keep reading and learning and keep going to MC... From what you've described, it sounds like you and your W have passed the biggest hurdel in all of this in that you are both committed to rebuilding your M.

Semper Fi,
RIF

It sounds like both of you want to make this work. However, you need to address the reason that this happened if you don't want it to happen again. It sounds to me that you weren't meeting her ENs of conversation and affection because you were out of town so much. I understand that you are in the Navy, but you need to spend AT LEAST 15 hours a week together meeting each others ENs, otherwise you run the risk of falling out of love and engaging in an affair. You need to use the POJA to figure out a solution for this dilemma, otherwise you are setting yourself up for problems down the road.

Listen to me Jason, the policy of undivided attention is mandatory for having a good, affair-proof marriage. You need to address this. Even if your wife does not commit future infidelity, she will be unhappy. This is the cause of your marital problems. What are you going to do to fix it? If you are not going to address this issue, I would walk away from the marriage and cut your losses because you are not currently able to maintain a healthy marriage.

Jason, I am not trying to blame you or attack you. I'm trying to look out for you in the future. Please think about what I said.