He knows because I met him with her once.

Exposure is sabotage to her and this is the issue.

A SIM card reader with the proper software reads messages that have already been deleted. Kind of like recovering lost files on a computer.

Of course exposure is sabotaging the affair. Exposure isn't going to kill your marriage, her affair is. Break up the affair, and your marriage can be restored.

well of course it is! its supposed to be!

you are sabotaging her affair...does she expect you to embrace it?????

you're buying into her manipulation. use your common sense.

DF --

get a grip. she is not entitled to an affair, even if you were the worst husband on the planet.

the right way to do things is to deal with the marriage -- before jumping into other relationships. so no matter what, she is wrong to be doing what she is doing.

now, you have only her word that its "friendly". you need to know what you are up against, and the only way to do that is to spy on her. its not your fault that she can't be trusted.

start with deciphering the text msgs. if you find content that proves the affair, then you will make exposure plans.

and yes, of course she will be angry that you wrecked her affair. so what? would you rather have a wife who was plotting the destruction of your marriage behind your back?

Yes, you do have a choice. And that is to not move. You don't need to be backed up, DF. It is a bad idea to move out to accommodate her affair. You can't work on the marriage if you are not there. She only wants you out so she can carry on her affair in peace, with no interference.

You have absolutely no reason to leave your home. If she wants to seperate, then SHE needs to be the one to move out. WITHOUT the children and without a stick of furniture. If she tries to take the children from their safe home, contact an attorney to get an order stopping her from dragging your kids into her sleazy affair.

DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE OF MOVING OUT!

What in the world does insecurity have to do with it? You are snooping because you know she is having an affair, not because you are "insecure!" What nonense! No one has the right to the privacy to have an affair, DF. Keep snooping!


EXACTLY!! Sabotage of the affair is the GOAL. Keep focused on that goal if you want to salvage your marriage.

Fasten your seatbelt it's a rough ride! DO NOT move out. Wayward or not if she is going to divorce you she may. You cann't stop her. You don't have to make it easy for her. Moving out gives her control of her afair, Your house and the kids. Even at her request it could and probably will be viewed as abandonment. Give her her cake on a silver plater, I think not.

My story is almost exact as yours. Wife even told me to move out. Only I have not discovered the an A. Through the last year I have been doing everything she wanted except move to another state or move out of our house. Everything I gave or gave in on did not bring her back into the relationship. She even told me she was not in it.

So she has brought us to the divorce phase. As I ask God to Grant me the Serenity to ACCEPT the things I can not change, and I do accept. Change the things I can, and be the best I can for my kids and my wife, but still accept the divorce, I don't really know what will happen to us but I know it is Gods plan. She almost seems like she will change her mind But then there are DJ's, Lies and AO's. I don't know what will happen but it's up to her to change In our relationship.

My advice to you is stay very close to the program. Most loss of obsession or spiritual experience does come right away. 6 months is just scratching the surface or a over cofident relaps for some. Fight for your marriage, but protect yourself as well. DO NOT move out.

Praying for you.

You know the drill. Thanks a bunch and I know with these thoughts and mindset you will get through it too.

Thanks again brother.

Thanks Melody, I have a scheduled appointment with a MC early next week. I'm staying put. I will continue to verify activities and am keeping to my program and increasing my efforts around the house since she will not let me into any other EN except domestic. I basically do most of the hosehold chores now (which was a biggie) and spend lots of time with the kids and are more consistent with them in my daily routine. They now come to me FIRST for support and daily needs/wants. I'm getting a rythem at home where I had none before.

Funny how it seems I'm elimination excuses. First it was the drinking, then lazyness, then now insecurity. Now I'm an insecure, suspicious H according to her.

Maybe this is true but I have a right to feel this way at this point in time.

She refuses to see any of my changes yet. She thinks I'm going to go back once I get some slack or affection from her.

18 days.

18 days is not a long time considering how long you've been NOT doing what she needed....

She was wrong for the affair, but show her you're the same man she married. SHe probably does think you'll go back to your old ways. You have to be patient and show her your changes are permanent.

It's hard to better myself when this is going on and refuses to break contact. Yes 18 days is a short period of time and I've given into my faults and do not deny what i've done in the past, which NEVER was I unfaithful to her emotionally or physically with another person.

I realize that I need to continue the progress while expecting nothing from her, and it's a tough pill to swallow.

Does anyone think I should expose the phone and text record at the MC appointment or just shut up and listen and tell the counselor I realize my faults and am moving forward with HER needs? THIS is my biggest issue on the list right now as she denies any affair and continues contact.

You need to expose to anyone in a position to put pressure on the affair, including your MC. She is in a position to talk with your WW, much like many people here try to get Dr. Harley to talk with their WW.

All of our parents know about my suspicion of affair and the 100 text messages over a 2 week period. I still have not seen the Nov-Dec bill yet, which I assume will have the same obssessive texting.

The parents have not spoken to her about it but she knows that my parents know, but thinks her parents do not.

You still need to find out more about OM and expose to his side. What is $50 and 30 minutes on the internet to save your marriage?

Well I just got the latest phone records. It's obsessive. It looks like she is in more proactive contact than he is. She called him last night according to ojline records for 24 minutes. Texting has maintained over 10x per day. Starts in the morning then another burst of texting at night when she visits the neighbor down the street.

I've been maintaining, asking for nothing and doing my work around the house. I do not mope or give of any sense of insecurity. She went out Saturday for 2 hours (work function) I believe.

We have been having sex a couple times a week. Why? I don't know.

I have the records printed out and ready to show the MC tomorrow. I cannot move forward until this stuff stops with this man. I'm shaking and don't know what to do! Should I just say f-it and get out and show her the records and let her know I play no second fiddle for anyone?....or wait until the session to bring up the obsessive contact. I can't picture getting through tonight w/o bringing it up which I know will cause a storm and maybe a cancellation of the appointment tomorrow.

I want to call the OM and fire off at him, but this is my wifes doing and I feel that call would only hurt our situation.

I now know why she is so distant. This affair is real and I have suspicions he went to meet her in Tahoe 2 weeks ago Friday.

I hope I am now breaking this thing up, the live conversations have gone downhill to him, but the texting is still constant.

Overview for tomorrow

1. NC ultimatum.
2. I need to know what her EM's are

Otherwise we will see where this goes. Do you think the MC will push for NC???

23 days still sober and improving. I fear it's too late though!

I just want you to know that ultimatums do not work with WSs. What happens is the WS either doesn't care is doesn't think you are serious and chooses the side that you don't want. Then usually you back off your ultimatum and seem weak.

Instead, I would state a boundary. This is how you should say it:

"The contact with the OM is inappropriate, it hurts my feelings, and I will not accept another man interfering with my marriage."

If she doesn't agree to NC, then you expose to everyone. No warning, just giving her consequences for violating your boundaries. Make it as difficult as possible for her to carry on her affair. If you pay the cell phone bill, I would disable the text message capabilities. If she calls him, I would cancel the service and make her pay for her own service. Let her know that this OM is not welcome in your marriage and you will not stand for it. Don't get angry and LB, but stand firm and stand up for yourself and your marriage. Find out all you can about OM, and expose to his side as well (spouse, family, etc.). This was particularly effective in my situation, and OM's parents were pretty strict and religious and really let their son have it.

I'd lay down the 'expectation' of NC. This is what you need to do in order to have any chance of recovering our marriage. If you're not going to do this, then it's clear that you're NOT working on the marriage.

My wife continued to violate NC for over a month after she didn't leave to live with OM (long story). She'd lie to the MC every week, telling her that she'd decided to stick with it...and then within a day or two of MC she'd have some kind of contact with OM.

It wasn't until I 'caught' her by snooping in her emails that she realized that I wasn't going to just let it go. It was a huge blowout between us...that resulted in her sending an NC letter to OM. She made one more attempt to violate NC after that...and OM happened to shut her down (he was probably pretty emotionally battered down by that time too, and just wanted it all to end).

How long will it be before you have 'further proof' if she does violate NC? If you'll know within a day or two, then you might consider holding off on exposure.

But if you won't know until the next wireless bill comes in, then I'd go ahead and expose now. Get the 'help' you need in ending the affair working with you NOW, rather than wait until you have 'proof' that NC isn't in effect. And make sure that the message you want to send in exposure is clearly heard: you're not doing this to 'punish' her, you're asking for their assistance in helping her to end the affair and rebuild your marriage. Make sure that they hear that...and that it's the same message your WS will eventually get too.

Remember, exposure isn't a tool to hurt anyone...the goal is to enlist the aid of those that she cares about in helping you to rebuild and repair your marriage.

I can only see dialed CALLS withing the last 2 days. The text details don't come until next month billing. I'd have no way of knowing right away.