Okay guys, I'm here to answer ML's question about whether or not I enjoy pleasing my husband, the back rub thing, etc.

Of course I do.

However, I personally am not turned on when his approach isn't honest. When his approach is one in which he pretends to offer a giving event - the back rub - and what he really wants is a taking event - which is sex FOR HIMSELF. You see, that was his style. He wasn't romantic, he wasn't in it for the BOTH of us. His style was more like.....I can't describe it any better than the back rub example. He would want sex every day, any day, any time. He would literally pretend to rub my neck for maybe one second, and the next thing I knew he was groping. There isn't a seduction there!!!!!

Personally, not a turn-on.

Early on in our relationship, he was quite romantic, willing to spend the time. But as our years together have gone on, things have changed.

So the question isn't whether or not I want to please him or share with him or make love with him. The question is more in the approach. Be honest with me, and make sure that the giver is there - that it's not all on me to do all of the pleasing. This is supposed to be a two-way street.

Now, if you ask him, he would say that he does his part. And truthfully, he does in the "climax" dept for me. But the approach, the sharing, the foreplay, the romance, we are a work in progress. Better since his A.

For my part, I too have learned - and you are preaching to the choir on the idea that SF is a legitimate EN. I understand that. Because this thing is timing me out, read next post. There is a lot to be said here that you must know. My life is too hard, and there are things that you must hear, because if one person can know my lesson and not learn what I learned the way I have had to learn it, then it will be worth my pain.
SB

My lesson:

About three weeks before d-day in November 2005, my husband had a PSA test that came back too high. The doctor had recommended a biopsy of the prostate, but my husband refused. I could not figure out why. We had a big fight about this, and I could not understand his reluctance, actually outright refusal, to go in for a biopsy for his prostate.

My oldest daughter begged him to get the biopsy. The also argued - it was the only argument I can remember that they ever had.

At one point during his affair, I complained to him that our sexual frequency was very low, and that I was concerned that I was not meeting his needs - you see, I DO understand about this EN, and had concerns prior to knowing about his affair. When I told him that I couldn't understand why he had turned me down when I initiated sex (actually he did this several times!), he told me, "I really don't need sex much anymore. I just don't have the needs that I used to have." This should have been my clue, but I just could not figure it out. When the PSA test came back, I was worried then - but there had not been "problems" in the sex department except for the new lack of interest IN ME.

Then, d-day came. I remember so clearly saying to him, "Oh God. If you have cancer, my life will now be that history...I'm condemned to be the wife who never gave you enough sex. So you left me to have an affair, and the last sex you will ever know will have been HER. Not me, HER. Because if you have cancer, and you have to have surgery, we may never have sex again."

I was absolutely devastated.

You see, this affair not only devastated our marriage, the cancer devastated our sexual relationship - just two short months after d-day.

He finally agreed to the biopsy, which he had about one week after d-day. It came back positive for cancer.

His prostate was removed in January 2006.

Slowly, his ability to have sex is returning.......

I look back now, and beat myself up for each and every time that I said "no". I wish I could take back working late, and being tired. You see, I really was tired. I work a very hard job, and really am tired. So if he only helped me clean the house, give the kids a bath, maybe by 10 o'clock I wouldn't have been exhausted. Maybe I would have felt like giving of myself just that one more time. Maybe if my stupid priorities and his stupid priorities had not been so stupid all along.

Maybe if we hadn't been so HUMAN.

Maybe if I had a crystal ball and knew that I might never be able to share making love all night with him again....
or even just ONE MORE TIME.



So you see, I really do understand how important sex is.

That's my lesson. I don't know what others may learn from it. I know what I learned.

schoolbus, thanks for sharing your background. Just like you, I learned the hard way how important meeting emotional needs really is and setting realistic priorities. Here I am on husband #3. At least you have the same H and have the opportunity to set your priorities straight and make up for your misses in the past. With me, my H #3 gets the benefit of all those hard learned lessons.

Like you, I have a very demanding career which leaves me exhausted, but my husband is a priority in my life, so instead of spending time cleaning my house, I hire a lady to clean. Or I let it go. Either way, it does not precede my H on my priority list. I will never make that mistake again. The one thing I know for sure is that *I* am responsible for establishing my priorities because I will get out of my marriage exactly what I put into it.

ML,

I learned that the house can be dirty.

My husband won't live forever.

He will have an affair, and it will devastate our lives.

Sex is very important, for BOTH of us - and that women are not in tune with this!!!!

Women neglect this aspect of themselves. I think because they do see it as a "giving" event - and this is a perspective that we need to change. When men and women BOTH change that perspective - then they will both see things become a lot nicer IMHO in this dept.

Think about it - if women were to think that they will be "receiving" sex, wouldn't they be more willing to sign up for it?

I think of it as a matter of perspective.

So, if men were to also change their angle of approach a little, to .... "Hey, honey, let me GIVE you some loving tonight." And really go after their wives from the GIVING perspective, how much of a chance would you give them of scoring that particular night? I think a little better than the approach of the taker. Just a guess, but I think so. I think the guys might find it worth a shot, anyway - it worked for my husband (back when he was able). It also made me more willing to initiate, too, because I liked to even the score.

This isn't a fun lesson to learn. Didn't realize you were on #3. At least you know what you need to know!



Youngest daughter, who is a songwriter, has some lyrics that tell you that the only moment we have is right now. She's right about that - when I lose perspective on my priorities, I ask myself what the priority would be if I knew that the next month wasn't coming. Makes the answer pretty easy. The answer has yet to be "clean the house"!!!!

By the way, I read your posts all the time. You've helped me through some dark days. Thanks.



BTW - If anyone whips out a wanger around me and goes to spanking it, my job requirements have so much documentation involved that I am pretty sure there is some sort of form that I would have to fill out for it, in triplicate - so please, until I find that durn form, let's not have any more wanger-spankin' talk!

SB

Gee, this thread has gone right into the toilet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

you ain't seen nothing yet, hunny! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the warning, Chica. I'll be sure to steer clear.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

nooooooooo, you must keep reading!!!

Did someone mention toilets? That also requires documentation. Plus a schedule.

Please, if you plan on taking this thread in that direction, make sure you have the chart handy, the triplicate forms ready, and the "wanger" report form prepared!

Let's see, has anyone counted the number of times the word "wanger" has been thrown around?

I'm coming to like that term.





SB

"the wanger report???" bwahahaaa <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mel<---learnt that naughty word from MrsW! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Somebody has been smokin' some of that bad crack she's been yammerin' on about!!! I would NEVER use such language!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W<~~~adjusting her halo <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

**thud**

Wanger? As opposed to "Wankster" which describes a wanger owner?

Just askin. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Don't be gettin' all technical on us! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hush .... you are not the boss of me.

hey, dats my line!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Pun intended??? LMAO!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Is this a juvenile deliquent convention??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mel<---head delinquent!

*thud*

nother damned pun...did me in

OMG!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />